April 27, 2026
TMIT 49: Why We Started Teasing Our Kids
If your family over-indexes on earnest, disciplined learning, playful banter can actually feel incredibly uncomfortable. But what if raising emotionally resilient kids requires teaching them how to take—and make—a joke?
We realized our family had a massive blind spot when it came to levity. Our kids were starting to view every social nudge as a threat, and we knew we needed to intentionally build more playfulness into our home. In Episode 49, we explore the psychology behind banter and exactly why we are actively teaching our kids how to tease.
We break down the critical difference between teasing (saying something true playfully) and sarcasm (saying something untrue to imply the opposite). Sarcasm developmentally fails with young kids, leaving them feeling evaluated and insecure. Healthy teasing, on the other hand, actively strengthens bonds, signals safety, and builds emotional resilience.
We share Greg’s "Level One" framework for teaching kids self-deprecation (the "I'm sure you're shocked" method) and break down our three new family guardrails for bantering safely:
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We only tease about competencies and strengths.
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The person being teased gets to decide whether or not it is funny.
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If a joke misses the mark, we immediately celebrate the repair.
Listen to TMIT 49 wherever you get your podcasts.
The healthiest families know how to lean into their strengths, learn from their mistakes, and playfully laugh at themselves along the way.
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One thing I was thinking about
is if we took a job at a company
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and the company was like day
one, introduce yourself and give
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us ways to tease you.
I think that would be pretty
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cool, right?
What would you say?
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Well, we've been talking about
this for the past couple of days
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and so now I know that from you.
It's great to tease people about
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their strengths or things that
they are, I'll say, consciously
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competent in, right?
So for me would probably be the
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something people do tease me
about is just the juxtaposition
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of me being this like heady,
academic, thoughtful person who
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is absolutely obsessed with
Bravo and like the only thing
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you'll see on my Instagram, like
I actually got Instagram just so
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that I could check what's going
on in the Bravo sphere.
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So you'd be like, hey guys, I'm
Danielle.
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I'm a walking contradiction, but
the two things that you might
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find me reading about are Young
in psychology and what's
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happening on Summer House.
Exactly.
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Yes, I like that.
I like that.
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That's a, that's a, that's a
good one to introduce yourself
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with.
It's, it shows your strengths.
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And I think that's what teasing
is actually all about.
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It's about building connection
and finding a way for us to.
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I'm laughing because the other
thing is just, you know, the
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thing that the kids tease me
about, that I tease myself
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about, that the kids love to
tease me about too, is just like
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when I'm such a control freak.
Like, do you remember when we
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were in Arizona and we were on a
run?
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I can't.
And we were like a block from
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home and we had water bottles
and I was like, Nope, we are not
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allowed to take a water break.
We do not have time for a water
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break.
And I was just, like, having
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such a controlling moment, you
know, that I can laugh later.
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Like, that's so ridiculous.
We're, like in the middle of the
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Arizona desert.
Like let our kids drink some
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water.
Yeah.
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So it's like, hey, I'm Danielle.
I am all about collaboration,
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but I've probably come up with
the answer.
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I.
Already knew that.
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Yeah, right.
Exactly.
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Yeah.
We have a friend that says that.
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Often that always says, I
already thought of that.
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I think for me, I'd probably
introduce myself as hey, I'm
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Greg.
And no matter the no matter the
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circumstance, no matter the
mood, I have a pill in my bag
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for that.
That's true, right?
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That's true.
I always, I haven't really
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thought of a specific example,
but I always lightheartedly talk
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about how you're fancy.
Yeah, 'cause you are alarmingly
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fancy sometimes, right in your I
mean, I think you have taste and
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we have a wonderful life, but
then there are certain things
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that you just don't like to get
your hands dirty with.
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Yes, I would agree with that.
So I know we just jumped in
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here, but today we we're talking
about teasing right and and how
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did this come up?
I've I've I'm trying to
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remember.
I know exactly how it came up.
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I was listening to one of my new
favorite podcasts just because
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of who's in it, not because it's
good.
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Yet.
Adam Grant and Brené Brown have
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started a podcast called The
Curiosity Shop and they were
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bantering and he and Adam
mentioned that there are
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numerous pro social benefits to
playful teasing.
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And I was like, uh huh, come
again?
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What, like tell me more numerous
pro social benefits?
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I mean, anything that finished
that sentence from Adam Grant, I
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was going to be my interest was
piqued right.
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And then teasing is such well,
it's a tricky one for me because
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in theory, like I love it, but I
am I have no experience at it.
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I'm terrible at it and so I
immediately dug into the
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research and I was so happy to
see that it's what they call
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like a high skill social tool
because I definitely am low
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skill in teasing.
And that is trickling down to
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our family because when we
talked about it at family
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meeting this week after we kind
of explained and talked like
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very low stakes what we're
thinking about experimenting
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with, Hunter said.
Mom, this is not fun and it is
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too hard and I don't want to do
it and I'm like, that's exactly
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why we're going to do it because
I'm sorry that I've made you
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this way.
And I don't even know how we got
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here, honestly, because my
parents tell stories about epic
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April Fool's jokes that they've
epic April Fool's pranks that
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have happened in our family.
But somewhere along the way we
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kind of like lost that joke, I
guess, or at least it didn't
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trickle down to me.
But even in can I say this?
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But I told you this before that
like even in high school, like
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there was a boy that used to
tease me all the time and in
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college a different 1.
And I loved it.
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Like it felt so connecting and
it felt like our secret thing,
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do you know?
What I mean?
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Not even secret, but like our
thing.
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And I adored that about both of
these people.
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And you tease me too, right?
And so like always, it's been
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and not to make it only flirty
and romantic, but like my
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closest friends tease me and I
feel safe and I feel like they
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see me when they tease me.
Yeah, right.
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Your.
Your closest mom friends for
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sure, like your closest friends
that I know from New York.
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They didn't tease you so.
That's not true some of them.
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Like a little bit.
Some of them.
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But they're really good here.
I know, I know they are in the
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best way.
Like I'm so happy about it, but
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it feels like to be teased feels
like you see me.
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And I think that I'm a person
that if people misconstrue me,
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they misconstrue me as someone
who's so rigid and serious.
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And so the people that playfully
tease me knock that down
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immediately.
And I'm like, oh, thank God.
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Like I can breathe because you
don't, even though I can get, I
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can be very articulate and I can
be very persuasive.
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I'm I'm still just a girl at the
end of the day that wants to
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have fun.
Totally.
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Yeah.
I I love that you know that
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about yourself that yeah, I love
it that the more that people can
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put you off the pedestal.
Yes, please.
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And put and put you in a place
where they're able to see you
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for your strengths and for those
strengths also being sometimes
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overpowering and a lot.
And annoying, yeah.
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It's great when they when it
also shows that they're secure
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in who they are.
Right, right.
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And that's, you know, that's
honestly what I'm learning is
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that teasing can really
strengthen feelings of
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connection and belonging like
that kind of in Group when the
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relationship is secure.
So I think a solid foundation is
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necessary.
It's you shouldn't go tease just
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anyone, but if you have a strong
relationship, teasing can only
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make it that much stronger,
which is so cute.
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And we kind of, I think we
intuitively know that.
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Yeah, which is why it's
important to teach our kids
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young not just about humor, but
about self humor, a little self
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deprecation.
Because showing up with self
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deprecation is way more
welcoming and warm than showing
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up with I know all the answers
or I'm too shy to chime in or,
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you know, I'm not going to raise
my hand because I'm afraid of
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what people are going to say
when I have the right answer or
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the wrong answer.
Teaching our kids about humor
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and about how to joke amongst
themselves and and make fun of
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themselves is such an important
skill.
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It is, but to do it well, I
think there's a reason why it is
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called this like high skill
social tool, because it can
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easily go wrong even with people
that you have secure connections
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with.
And so I do want to talk about
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for, you know, the novices in
teasing like me.
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I, I want to break it down a
little bit more.
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So, and before preparing for
this episode, when we thought
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about teasing, we talked about
teasing.
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I often thought about friends
who are extremely witty and
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sarcastic and the way that I
feel around them, which in all
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honesty is like, often times
highly uncomfortable and like, I
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can't keep up.
And so I do want to break down
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the difference between teasing
and sarcasm and then we can get
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into it a little bit more as far
as what the research shows and
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the dynamics.
So teasing is saying something
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true in a playful way.
Like, we're going to make an
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episode about teasing and you're
going to break it down into a
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framework.
Yes, exactly.
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I know guys, but I think it's
important.
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I can't be the only one that
doesn't that wants to understand
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more about teasing.
Of course not.
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So I I'm, I love having a
framework.
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I just wanted to make sure that
we kept it a little light.
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Yeah.
Because it's like.
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And here's the three things you
need to know about Teasing 123.
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OK, Thank you.
Join us next time.
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Try it at home.
See how it works for you?
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See you next time you can laugh
into the mic.
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I'm dying, OK Ha ha ha.
I'm going to meme that one.
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OK, so OK, here we go.
So teasing is saying something
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true in a playful way.
Oh my gosh, I'm tearing it.
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Sarcasm is saying something
untrue to imply the opposite,
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right?
Two very different things.
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And I think even
developmentally, while they both
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require like they're both in the
category of what psychologists
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would call ambiguous
communication, which is when the
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meaning is not fully in the
words.
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So you have to really understand
the content, the context and the
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tone.
But sarcasm is not is something
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that the vast majority of humans
do not understand at all until
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age 7 or 8.
And even then they can grasp,
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oh, that is sarcasm.
And this is what we're seeing
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with Hunter and even a little
bit with Jade right now.
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But they don't necessarily get
what we mean, right?
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They're like, oh, are you being
sarcastic?
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Right.
But the meaning behind it is
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still a little bit lost.
And just to make another note is
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that we have, so it seems
neurotypical children,
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neurodivergent.
Many neurodivergent children
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will never understand sarcasm or
teasing because it's a it
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because of that ambiguous
communication piece, right?
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And like take it very literally.
I shouldn't say never
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understand, but it's going to
take some true even deeper skill
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building is my understanding.
So we're talking about this from
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a neurotypical dynamic right
now.
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I think that sarcasm and teasing
sometimes go hand in hand, and I
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don't think that it's
appropriate to bring the two
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together at home, at least to
start.
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For sure, like we are going to
have to start with the babiest
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of baby steps and teasing and I
don't even know like it seems
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like sarcasm is a an advanced
skill above and beyond like
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well.
It's also a big megging skill,
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so.
So here's here's two ways of
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being excited that somebody
cleaned up their room.
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Let's say Hunter cleaned her
room and she is notoriously
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messy, which she's not.
But we let's just pretend here
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we could say, hey, Hunter, Oh my
God, you cleaned up your room.
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It only took eight years.
That doesn't feel so good
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because that's seeing her as
doing a good thing, but delaying
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so long to have done that.
And it's kind of bringing her
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down a notch, right?
Whereas to say to her walking,
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Oh my God, this room, it's so
clean, who are you and what have
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you done with my child?
That's a really positive way of
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making it exciting that they've
done something out of the norm
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and celebrating by teasing them
that they are not the person
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that usually doesn't clean their
room.
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Or that you notice something
about them, right?
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Yeah.
So I think it's just like these
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little examples of making sure
that we don't hit sarcasm at
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home when we think of teasing.
Which by the way, I've I've
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00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:56,640
already like done that fallen
off the wire like I'm I'm
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trying, but I'm, you know, I'm
continuously reminding myself
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only tease competencies, right?
But even if I I don't even think
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we're there yet, where we really
are is only make light of a
220
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situation like, Oh my gosh, I
see the shoes on the floor
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exhibit is back in the laundry
room this week, You know, like
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00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:24,720
how exciting or myself, right,
which that's kind of what our
223
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:29,000
sharing the mistake of the day
has turned into, which is kind
224
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of a moment where everybody
makes fun of me, which is fine,
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which is fine.
And I think your examples were
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very clear.
However, I just want to give you
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the language behind it too.
So from the research, when
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teasing is done well, it makes
you feel included.
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00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:51,160
Sarcasm can make you feel
evaluated, as in, there's
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something implied here that I
need to figure out, right?
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00:13:54,760 --> 00:14:02,520
And so personally, like I have,
I never feel less equipped and
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more on the outside than when
I'm in a situation which happens
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sometimes, particularly with in
at work, like with Co workers
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where people are bantering and
being very witty.
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And I don't know if I, I don't
even know how to jump in.
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00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:22,400
I, I often times think about
double Dutch a lot, I guess
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because I did it a lot in
elementary school.
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And I'm like, this is like when
you're doing double Dutch with
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00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:30,400
three or four ropes and it's
going so fast and there's just
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no way that I'm going to break
in.
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00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:37,280
That's a good analogy.
I couldn't do it with one rope.
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00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:41,040
Well, you can't really double
Dutch, but you certainly can
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banter.
Yes, yes, I can hang.
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00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:47,760
I attribute that to watching
every episode of The Simpsons
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growing up, and I'm trying to
open that up to our kids, too.
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I think you could learn
everything about humor and life
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by watching The Simpsons.
Yeah, so basically if our home
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TV catalog right now is The Real
Housewives of Beverly Hills for
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some social emotional dynamics
and lifestyle.
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Lots of teasing in there.
Yeah, it was so funny.
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It's so funny.
The Simpsons and Full House.
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Yeah, those are the three things
the trifecta children are
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watching right now.
It is.
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I think it's a great I couldn't
trifecta.
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I really could not be prouder.
It's true though, yeah, yeah,
256
00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:28,720
yeah.
I would love to just nail for
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00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:30,840
you the benefits of teasing
'cause I did look into the
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00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:34,680
research and there are a few
folks that really have looked
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00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:39,000
into this, but Dakhler Kelter
from UC Berkeley is the one that
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I found has the most salient
research for what we're talking
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00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:45,680
about today.
And so the two things are that,
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one, teasing really strengthens
bonds when it signals like we're
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safe.
So it can increase feelings of
264
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:57,040
affiliation and closeness like
we've talked about before.
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00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:01,080
And there's even like this
overlap here, which makes sense
266
00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:03,840
if you think about it around
attachment theory and
267
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:08,960
playfulness, that secure
relationships can tolerate more
268
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:14,040
ambiguity or friction when it's
done playfully, right?
269
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:18,080
And teasing can even signal
you're safe here, you're part of
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this group as opposed to some
type of threat or danger.
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And that's where I think it's so
important to double down on
272
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:30,280
teasing competencies or
strengths because just this past
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00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:33,840
week, as you know, I've gotten
myself in a bit of hot water
274
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:38,000
accidentally teasing Jade for
things that are not
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00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,240
competencies, actually things
that we're working on.
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00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:43,560
And I felt so bad afterwards.
I'm like, you missed the golden
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00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:45,440
rule, Danielle.
Well, but it's OK.
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00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:48,040
I'm, you know, I'm learning.
I I apologize.
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00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:49,720
Part of teaching teasing is
teaching repair.
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00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:51,680
Right, exactly.
And so let's get to that.
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And so so teething teasing
strengthens bonds, number one.
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00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:59,400
And then two, teasing builds
discernment and social
283
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:02,480
calibration.
So going back to our, the other
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skill that I need to learn,
which is reading the room.
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00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:10,040
And so if we can teach them some
type of discernment in reading
286
00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:14,160
the room as well as just
emotional resilience in social
287
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:18,240
situations, right?
So not every social nudge is a
288
00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:21,480
threat, which currently is how
our children perceive them,
289
00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:23,440
right?
And I would say particularly
290
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:28,240
with Hunter in this kind of
upper elementary prepubescent
291
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:33,080
age, it does feel like, you
know, we, we moms of these
292
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:35,680
children have been talking a lot
about how they need to be
293
00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:40,360
judgmental and evaluatory so
that they can hone those skills
294
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:43,920
into being discerning.
But right now it just feels like
295
00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:47,520
everything they say is a zinger
and they just can't let anything
296
00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:50,680
go or be unbothered about any of
it.
297
00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:53,720
And they're really harsh with
their words, right?
298
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,360
And so a lot.
More like the Housewives than it
299
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:59,080
is like The Simpsons right now.
Yes, right.
300
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:03,160
Part of me feels like some of
the folks on Bravo are
301
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,720
emotionally immature and that's
why they are.
302
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,840
So entertained.
On reality TV, right?
303
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:12,680
So yeah, it's, it's actually
great for us to see.
304
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:18,480
But I do I do see how if we can
learn to have a very strongly
305
00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:23,600
connected and attached family
that is able to joke and and
306
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:27,800
poke fun at one another in a
light hearted way, that can
307
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:33,480
really help them outside of our
family in staying unbothered and
308
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:37,200
learning how to be playful
without being cruel.
309
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:43,760
Yeah, I, I still believe that as
Maverick becomes of age and as
310
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:47,600
Jade kind of leans into the self
teasing a little bit and can see
311
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:52,400
herself outside of herself, we
can have some sessions where we
312
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:54,960
just practice teasing ourselves,
right?
313
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:57,400
Showing up with a couple of
strengths and naming what those
314
00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:01,760
are and then making fun of them.
But you only get to make fun of
315
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:03,800
your your own self.
And I think that's a really.
316
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,880
Good way to laughing at yourself
is a great skill.
317
00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:06,840
Such a great.
Skill.
318
00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:09,920
And it's actually really fun.
Yeah, exactly right.
319
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:14,000
OK, cool.
And then just some guardrails
320
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,440
though, because teasing can be
harmful, right?
321
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:19,760
It's not as high stakes as
sarcasm, but teasing can be
322
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:22,640
harmful in certain situations.
And I'm sure you already know
323
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:24,320
this intuitively.
But again, for me, I have to
324
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:26,480
make it explicit.
So when there's a, a power
325
00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:29,640
imbalance, So sometimes like an
older sibling or a parent
326
00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:35,560
without warmth, if the target of
the teasing can't respond or opt
327
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:40,600
out, if it hits at something
that you're working on or are
328
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:43,400
vulnerable about.
And finally, if there's no
329
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:48,240
repair after discomfort, right,
there's no repair.
330
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:52,200
So if, if there's teasing gone
wrong and it hasn't been
331
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:55,560
repaired, that is another place
where it can actually do some
332
00:19:55,560 --> 00:20:01,440
harm, right?
So then I ask us, how do we stay
333
00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:04,640
above the line when it comes to
teasing and reap all of these
334
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:09,000
pro social benefits that Adam
Grant is talking about and that
335
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:14,320
fun feeling of of cohesion as a
family without getting our
336
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,920
feelings hurt or it being too
hard as Hunter said.
337
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:21,080
Yeah, I mean, that's starting
with starting small, right?
338
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:24,920
Starting with teasing ourselves
about our strengths, then other
339
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:28,480
people teasing us about our
strengths, then we can work on
340
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:31,720
some of the things that we long
for in other people.
341
00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:34,440
And when they show up with those
characteristics, we can tease
342
00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:37,400
that too.
Like that idea of, oh, who's
343
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:39,680
this child?
It can't be my child because the
344
00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:42,960
room is clean, right?
That's a little more advanced
345
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:48,240
than just saying, oh, you know,
so and so showed up with X.
346
00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:50,720
Of course they did.
And so one thing that I want our
347
00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:54,720
kids to learn, and maybe this is
helpful for all kids out there,
348
00:20:55,160 --> 00:21:00,680
is to say something that they
did and then just repeat the
349
00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:03,840
words.
I'm sure you're shocked after
350
00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:08,200
that, just because it's an easy
tease that applies to just about
351
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:12,000
everything, right?
Like I got my lightsaber out.
352
00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:15,720
I'm sure you're shocked.
You know, Maverick, right?
353
00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:19,600
Jade being like, I'm going to
wear long sleeves today.
354
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:21,480
I'm sure you're you're shocked,
right?
355
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:25,640
That's a good one.
And hunter being like, I haven't
356
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:28,280
brushed my teeth yet.
I'm sure you're shocked, right,
357
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:30,960
because that works for strains,
weaknesses, anything.
358
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:33,680
And that's just really playful.
So I, I thought about that as
359
00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:37,000
one that I just want to bring
home the I'm sure you're shocked
360
00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:40,840
and like that's level 1.
OK, I like it.
361
00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:43,560
I like it a lot.
And a family meeting this week,
362
00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:46,520
we did come up with three
guiding principles, which, you
363
00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:50,440
know, I pulled from the research
and who just knew intuitively.
364
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:53,160
So I'm going to share them in
Greg's kind of intuitive way,
365
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:57,320
which is #1 only tease about
strengths, as we've talked about
366
00:21:57,640 --> 00:22:01,240
#2 the other person gets to
decide whether or not it's
367
00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:03,600
funny.
So the person being teased gets
368
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,120
to decide whether or not it's
funny.
369
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:09,360
And #3 we celebrate those
moments where someone had a had
370
00:22:09,360 --> 00:22:14,520
a good one and the other person
adjusted, softened, or if it
371
00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:17,200
didn't go well, we celebrate the
repair.
372
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:19,720
Yeah, immediate repair.
So it's just closing that.
373
00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:23,160
Feedback loop.
You know, this is where I love
374
00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:25,760
thinking about the Citadel
global equities portfolio
375
00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:29,320
managers or Roger Federer only
being right 54% of the time.
376
00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:32,640
I'd be shocked if we had that
high of a hit ratio.
377
00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:35,240
But is there always a feedback
loop?
378
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,080
Right, that's what I actually
care about.
379
00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:39,560
So if we missed the mark, let's
repair.
380
00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:42,840
If it was actually a funny joke,
let's all just relish in the
381
00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:45,520
laughter a bit.
And I also.
382
00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:49,040
Think that as far as a family
experiment, sharing our own
383
00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:54,760
mistakes of the day is actually
a wonderful way to be playful
384
00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:57,040
about this.
Because on the one hand, you
385
00:22:57,040 --> 00:22:59,720
know, going back to like our
courage episode in the teens,
386
00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:02,560
right?
Learning from making sure that
387
00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:07,480
we learn from mistakes, right is
a wonderful skill.
388
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:12,640
But if we can actually get to
humor and be not just learn from
389
00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:17,080
our mistakes, but laugh at them
and be playful with them, I
390
00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:23,400
think that's truly a master
class in this process oriented
391
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:25,440
learning.
Yeah, it's so.
392
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:29,320
Good to show up with mistakes.
It brings us to a place where
393
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:32,640
we're relatable, where people
know that it's it opens the door
394
00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:38,080
to playful teasing and also
teaches that you're not in the
395
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:40,560
game if you're not making
mistakes, right?
396
00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:43,400
Yes, and I want to.
Be in the game like that's The
397
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:49,920
thing is I want our family.
We are so good at the family
398
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:54,640
learning, if you will, right
like the very straight down the
399
00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:58,920
fairway learning these core
skills of things like discipline
400
00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:02,400
equals freedom and talent sets
the floor, character sets the
401
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:04,640
ceiling.
All of these really what I'll
402
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:09,640
call earnest skills to a great
life We're.
403
00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:10,480
Almost a year into.
This.
404
00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:16,000
Now I really want to be playful.
Me too and I.
405
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:21,000
Want to break the 4th wall for a
second and and say like any
406
00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:26,960
perception that we have it all
together is completely off base.
407
00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:30,200
It could not be further from the
truth.
408
00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:36,640
Like we F up all the time with
our kids on a daily basis.
409
00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:42,240
There is screaming, there is
yelling, there is slam doors,
410
00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:45,400
there's fighting.
There's a lot of crap going on
411
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,440
here.
This is not like this is our
412
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:49,640
peaceful time when the kids are
at school, right?
413
00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:51,920
And we're talking about and we
reflect and we.
414
00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:55,680
Reflect and talk.
About what we can do to bolster
415
00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:58,240
the good moments and have more
of them.
416
00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:01,280
But there are so many bad ones
and that is part of being a
417
00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:03,080
parent.
Yes, 100%.
418
00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:05,080
Right.
And I also think that, you know,
419
00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:09,840
we're I guess 8 1/2 years into
being parents, I don't expect to
420
00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:12,320
have 100% hit ratio all the
time, right?
421
00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:16,680
Like I now know that if I can
have a slightly better than
422
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:20,840
worse interaction type of day,
that is a real win, right?
423
00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:26,400
Also the.
The losses don't get remembered
424
00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:32,480
really like when they're so
fleeting, it's like, oh so and
425
00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:36,000
so had a blow up or I yelled at
this kid because they did
426
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:38,800
something or like the repair is
so easy.
427
00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:46,760
It is a place to scaffold from.
We remember the winds like
428
00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:49,440
forever.
Like I I go to bed every night
429
00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:53,720
thinking about one to two really
great connecting moments through
430
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,440
in our family from the day.
I've never thought about
431
00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:59,880
anything like, you know, that
that didn't go my way.
432
00:25:59,880 --> 00:26:01,080
Oh, well, that's good.
I.
433
00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:04,040
Certainly think about those too.
But it's OK.
434
00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:07,960
I just so to sum up what Greg
started to say, there is just a
435
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:12,920
lot of lost points here, a lot
of unforced errors and a lot of
436
00:26:12,920 --> 00:26:15,440
lost points and that's OK.
That's totally.
437
00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:18,000
OK, that's to be expected what
we're talking.
438
00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,480
About here.
Is how to build a culture that
439
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:24,680
is uniquely ours and how to lead
into that culture so that it
440
00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:29,080
doesn't get created without our
oversight, without us being
441
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:32,640
intentional.
And that doesn't mean create a
442
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:35,760
bunch of goody 2 shoes.
That doesn't mean create a
443
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:39,200
household that is, you know,
waking up and singing songs
444
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:42,840
together day in day out like,
well, we do that sometimes.
445
00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:48,640
We, we really do believe that
we're just trying to amplify the
446
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:53,160
winds 54%.
I definitely think that we are
447
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:56,480
always going to lean into our
strengths, which for me is being
448
00:26:56,760 --> 00:27:00,440
very earnest and disciplined,
but not only.
449
00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:04,000
I'm so glad that we've started
to explore the shadow side of
450
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:10,000
things and now turning ourselves
towards more levity and
451
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:11,000
playfulness.
Totally.
452
00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:13,440
It's the.
Perfect season for it and it
453
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:14,920
helps for.
Me that there's lots of research
454
00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:18,160
that says it's a good thing and
tells me how to do it well,
455
00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:20,040
that's the guiding.
Principle right if research says
456
00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:21,920
it's good then we have to talk
about I mean for sure well
457
00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:22,960
there's.
Research and there's lived
458
00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:25,560
experience, right?
And so I'm now going to share,
459
00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:27,720
we will report back on our lived
experience.
460
00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:31,240
Yep, Yep.
So if you guys.
461
00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:33,720
Have any good Simpsons episodes
that you'd like to recommend?
462
00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:35,560
Let us know.
You don't need to.
463
00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:42,080
Recommend them to me.
We didn't do an.
464
00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:44,280
Opening though, well, that.
That was the idea.
465
00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:47,320
So I'm actually, I think I'm
going to take us away from doing
466
00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:50,800
an opening because this is the
show.
467
00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:57,240
This is not the show.
If we are saying welcome, then
468
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:59,720
we invite other people into the
conversation right away and it
469
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:02,160
becomes stiff until we're able
to connect back here.
470
00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:07,440
So this has been another episode
of The Most Important Thing.
471
00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:10,440
Are you gonna Do like?
A an intro then like just didn't
472
00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:12,320
we record it?
Maybe not, maybe maybe not.
473
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:15,840
OK, some of my favorite podcasts
have 0 intro these days.
474
00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:18,520
They just know what they're
getting, OK?
475
00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:19,720
And if they don't know what
they're.
476
00:28:19,720 --> 00:28:22,240
Getting They will be so happy
that they listened.
477
00:28:22,240 --> 00:28:25,320
Woop woop.
Playful.
478
00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:28,800
Love you goosey.
Love you, goosey.
00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:03,920
One thing I was thinking about
is if we took a job at a company
2
00:00:04,200 --> 00:00:08,240
and the company was like day
one, introduce yourself and give
3
00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:11,080
us ways to tease you.
I think that would be pretty
4
00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:13,440
cool, right?
What would you say?
5
00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:16,960
Well, we've been talking about
this for the past couple of days
6
00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:22,440
and so now I know that from you.
It's great to tease people about
7
00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:25,960
their strengths or things that
they are, I'll say, consciously
8
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:32,119
competent in, right?
So for me would probably be the
9
00:00:33,440 --> 00:00:36,360
something people do tease me
about is just the juxtaposition
10
00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:40,960
of me being this like heady,
academic, thoughtful person who
11
00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:46,400
is absolutely obsessed with
Bravo and like the only thing
12
00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:49,480
you'll see on my Instagram, like
I actually got Instagram just so
13
00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:52,080
that I could check what's going
on in the Bravo sphere.
14
00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:54,800
So you'd be like, hey guys, I'm
Danielle.
15
00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:58,360
I'm a walking contradiction, but
the two things that you might
16
00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:02,160
find me reading about are Young
in psychology and what's
17
00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:03,360
happening on Summer House.
Exactly.
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00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:06,480
Yes, I like that.
I like that.
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00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:09,840
That's a, that's a, that's a
good one to introduce yourself
20
00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:13,360
with.
It's, it shows your strengths.
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00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:16,080
And I think that's what teasing
is actually all about.
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00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:19,840
It's about building connection
and finding a way for us to.
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00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:22,680
I'm laughing because the other
thing is just, you know, the
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00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:25,840
thing that the kids tease me
about, that I tease myself
25
00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:28,800
about, that the kids love to
tease me about too, is just like
26
00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:32,680
when I'm such a control freak.
Like, do you remember when we
27
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,000
were in Arizona and we were on a
run?
28
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:39,880
I can't.
And we were like a block from
29
00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:44,040
home and we had water bottles
and I was like, Nope, we are not
30
00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:46,560
allowed to take a water break.
We do not have time for a water
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00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:49,160
break.
And I was just, like, having
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00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:53,200
such a controlling moment, you
know, that I can laugh later.
33
00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:55,440
Like, that's so ridiculous.
We're, like in the middle of the
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00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:57,720
Arizona desert.
Like let our kids drink some
35
00:01:57,720 --> 00:01:58,640
water.
Yeah.
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00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:06,560
So it's like, hey, I'm Danielle.
I am all about collaboration,
37
00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:08,440
but I've probably come up with
the answer.
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00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:10,400
I.
Already knew that.
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00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:11,320
Yeah, right.
Exactly.
40
00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:15,640
Yeah.
We have a friend that says that.
41
00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:19,600
Often that always says, I
already thought of that.
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00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:25,320
I think for me, I'd probably
introduce myself as hey, I'm
43
00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:31,120
Greg.
And no matter the no matter the
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00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:35,000
circumstance, no matter the
mood, I have a pill in my bag
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00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:37,200
for that.
That's true, right?
46
00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:42,040
That's true.
I always, I haven't really
47
00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:45,000
thought of a specific example,
but I always lightheartedly talk
48
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:51,000
about how you're fancy.
Yeah, 'cause you are alarmingly
49
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:56,560
fancy sometimes, right in your I
mean, I think you have taste and
50
00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:59,200
we have a wonderful life, but
then there are certain things
51
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:01,920
that you just don't like to get
your hands dirty with.
52
00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:09,040
Yes, I would agree with that.
So I know we just jumped in
53
00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:13,000
here, but today we we're talking
about teasing right and and how
54
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:15,160
did this come up?
I've I've I'm trying to
55
00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:17,040
remember.
I know exactly how it came up.
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00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:21,480
I was listening to one of my new
favorite podcasts just because
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00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:23,400
of who's in it, not because it's
good.
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00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:26,600
Yet.
Adam Grant and Brené Brown have
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00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:29,280
started a podcast called The
Curiosity Shop and they were
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00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:33,640
bantering and he and Adam
mentioned that there are
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numerous pro social benefits to
playful teasing.
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And I was like, uh huh, come
again?
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00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:44,960
What, like tell me more numerous
pro social benefits?
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00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:47,680
I mean, anything that finished
that sentence from Adam Grant, I
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00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:49,840
was going to be my interest was
piqued right.
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00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:57,120
And then teasing is such well,
it's a tricky one for me because
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in theory, like I love it, but I
am I have no experience at it.
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00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:04,360
I'm terrible at it and so I
immediately dug into the
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00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:07,840
research and I was so happy to
see that it's what they call
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00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:12,320
like a high skill social tool
because I definitely am low
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00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:17,360
skill in teasing.
And that is trickling down to
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00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:20,079
our family because when we
talked about it at family
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00:04:20,079 --> 00:04:23,280
meeting this week after we kind
of explained and talked like
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00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:25,560
very low stakes what we're
thinking about experimenting
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00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:29,680
with, Hunter said.
Mom, this is not fun and it is
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00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:33,280
too hard and I don't want to do
it and I'm like, that's exactly
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00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:35,800
why we're going to do it because
I'm sorry that I've made you
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00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:39,440
this way.
And I don't even know how we got
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00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:44,760
here, honestly, because my
parents tell stories about epic
80
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:49,440
April Fool's jokes that they've
epic April Fool's pranks that
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00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:51,880
have happened in our family.
But somewhere along the way we
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00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:55,840
kind of like lost that joke, I
guess, or at least it didn't
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00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:59,920
trickle down to me.
But even in can I say this?
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00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,240
But I told you this before that
like even in high school, like
85
00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:08,160
there was a boy that used to
tease me all the time and in
86
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:10,400
college a different 1.
And I loved it.
87
00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:15,960
Like it felt so connecting and
it felt like our secret thing,
88
00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:16,960
do you know?
What I mean?
89
00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:19,360
Not even secret, but like our
thing.
90
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:22,320
And I adored that about both of
these people.
91
00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:26,280
And you tease me too, right?
And so like always, it's been
92
00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:32,360
and not to make it only flirty
and romantic, but like my
93
00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:37,960
closest friends tease me and I
feel safe and I feel like they
94
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:41,680
see me when they tease me.
Yeah, right.
95
00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:44,280
Your.
Your closest mom friends for
96
00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:47,040
sure, like your closest friends
that I know from New York.
97
00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:50,560
They didn't tease you so.
That's not true some of them.
98
00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:52,000
Like a little bit.
Some of them.
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00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:56,760
But they're really good here.
I know, I know they are in the
100
00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:58,480
best way.
Like I'm so happy about it, but
101
00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:04,720
it feels like to be teased feels
like you see me.
102
00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:09,840
And I think that I'm a person
that if people misconstrue me,
103
00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:13,560
they misconstrue me as someone
who's so rigid and serious.
104
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:19,160
And so the people that playfully
tease me knock that down
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00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:21,240
immediately.
And I'm like, oh, thank God.
106
00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:25,280
Like I can breathe because you
don't, even though I can get, I
107
00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:28,440
can be very articulate and I can
be very persuasive.
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00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:32,600
I'm I'm still just a girl at the
end of the day that wants to
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00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:33,760
have fun.
Totally.
110
00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:35,680
Yeah.
I I love that you know that
111
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:39,920
about yourself that yeah, I love
it that the more that people can
112
00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:44,680
put you off the pedestal.
Yes, please.
113
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:48,520
And put and put you in a place
where they're able to see you
114
00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:52,120
for your strengths and for those
strengths also being sometimes
115
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,360
overpowering and a lot.
And annoying, yeah.
116
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,400
It's great when they when it
also shows that they're secure
117
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:01,160
in who they are.
Right, right.
118
00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:03,800
And that's, you know, that's
honestly what I'm learning is
119
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:07,640
that teasing can really
strengthen feelings of
120
00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:12,840
connection and belonging like
that kind of in Group when the
121
00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:17,440
relationship is secure.
So I think a solid foundation is
122
00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:19,840
necessary.
It's you shouldn't go tease just
123
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:24,160
anyone, but if you have a strong
relationship, teasing can only
124
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:26,240
make it that much stronger,
which is so cute.
125
00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:29,440
And we kind of, I think we
intuitively know that.
126
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:32,720
Yeah, which is why it's
important to teach our kids
127
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:37,520
young not just about humor, but
about self humor, a little self
128
00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:39,200
deprecation.
Because showing up with self
129
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:43,840
deprecation is way more
welcoming and warm than showing
130
00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:49,200
up with I know all the answers
or I'm too shy to chime in or,
131
00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:51,560
you know, I'm not going to raise
my hand because I'm afraid of
132
00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:54,040
what people are going to say
when I have the right answer or
133
00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:57,200
the wrong answer.
Teaching our kids about humor
134
00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:01,720
and about how to joke amongst
themselves and and make fun of
135
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:03,920
themselves is such an important
skill.
136
00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:07,600
It is, but to do it well, I
think there's a reason why it is
137
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:11,360
called this like high skill
social tool, because it can
138
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:14,880
easily go wrong even with people
that you have secure connections
139
00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:16,880
with.
And so I do want to talk about
140
00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:20,120
for, you know, the novices in
teasing like me.
141
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:21,920
I, I want to break it down a
little bit more.
142
00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:26,800
So, and before preparing for
this episode, when we thought
143
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,880
about teasing, we talked about
teasing.
144
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:33,600
I often thought about friends
who are extremely witty and
145
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:38,400
sarcastic and the way that I
feel around them, which in all
146
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:41,840
honesty is like, often times
highly uncomfortable and like, I
147
00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:44,440
can't keep up.
And so I do want to break down
148
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:48,560
the difference between teasing
and sarcasm and then we can get
149
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:51,640
into it a little bit more as far
as what the research shows and
150
00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:55,120
the dynamics.
So teasing is saying something
151
00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:58,920
true in a playful way.
Like, we're going to make an
152
00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:01,040
episode about teasing and you're
going to break it down into a
153
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:03,120
framework.
Yes, exactly.
154
00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:06,000
I know guys, but I think it's
important.
155
00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:09,720
I can't be the only one that
doesn't that wants to understand
156
00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:11,240
more about teasing.
Of course not.
157
00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:13,640
So I I'm, I love having a
framework.
158
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,640
I just wanted to make sure that
we kept it a little light.
159
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:16,560
Yeah.
Because it's like.
160
00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:20,720
And here's the three things you
need to know about Teasing 123.
161
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:22,920
OK, Thank you.
Join us next time.
162
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:28,080
Try it at home.
See how it works for you?
163
00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:38,880
See you next time you can laugh
into the mic.
164
00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:47,640
I'm dying, OK Ha ha ha.
I'm going to meme that one.
165
00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:59,400
OK, so OK, here we go.
So teasing is saying something
166
00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:01,440
true in a playful way.
Oh my gosh, I'm tearing it.
167
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:06,720
Sarcasm is saying something
untrue to imply the opposite,
168
00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:08,840
right?
Two very different things.
169
00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:12,320
And I think even
developmentally, while they both
170
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:15,880
require like they're both in the
category of what psychologists
171
00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:20,040
would call ambiguous
communication, which is when the
172
00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:21,760
meaning is not fully in the
words.
173
00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:25,760
So you have to really understand
the content, the context and the
174
00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:29,480
tone.
But sarcasm is not is something
175
00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:34,200
that the vast majority of humans
do not understand at all until
176
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:39,360
age 7 or 8.
And even then they can grasp,
177
00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:41,680
oh, that is sarcasm.
And this is what we're seeing
178
00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:43,880
with Hunter and even a little
bit with Jade right now.
179
00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:49,000
But they don't necessarily get
what we mean, right?
180
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:50,720
They're like, oh, are you being
sarcastic?
181
00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:52,760
Right.
But the meaning behind it is
182
00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:56,640
still a little bit lost.
And just to make another note is
183
00:10:56,640 --> 00:11:01,320
that we have, so it seems
neurotypical children,
184
00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:04,880
neurodivergent.
Many neurodivergent children
185
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will never understand sarcasm or
teasing because it's a it
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because of that ambiguous
communication piece, right?
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And like take it very literally.
I shouldn't say never
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understand, but it's going to
take some true even deeper skill
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building is my understanding.
So we're talking about this from
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a neurotypical dynamic right
now.
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I think that sarcasm and teasing
sometimes go hand in hand, and I
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don't think that it's
appropriate to bring the two
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together at home, at least to
start.
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For sure, like we are going to
have to start with the babiest
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of baby steps and teasing and I
don't even know like it seems
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like sarcasm is a an advanced
skill above and beyond like
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well.
It's also a big megging skill,
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so.
So here's here's two ways of
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being excited that somebody
cleaned up their room.
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Let's say Hunter cleaned her
room and she is notoriously
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messy, which she's not.
But we let's just pretend here
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we could say, hey, Hunter, Oh my
God, you cleaned up your room.
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It only took eight years.
That doesn't feel so good
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because that's seeing her as
doing a good thing, but delaying
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so long to have done that.
And it's kind of bringing her
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down a notch, right?
Whereas to say to her walking,
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Oh my God, this room, it's so
clean, who are you and what have
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you done with my child?
That's a really positive way of
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making it exciting that they've
done something out of the norm
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and celebrating by teasing them
that they are not the person
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that usually doesn't clean their
room.
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Or that you notice something
about them, right?
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Yeah.
So I think it's just like these
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little examples of making sure
that we don't hit sarcasm at
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home when we think of teasing.
Which by the way, I've I've
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already like done that fallen
off the wire like I'm I'm
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trying, but I'm, you know, I'm
continuously reminding myself
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only tease competencies, right?
But even if I I don't even think
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we're there yet, where we really
are is only make light of a
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situation like, Oh my gosh, I
see the shoes on the floor
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exhibit is back in the laundry
room this week, You know, like
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how exciting or myself, right,
which that's kind of what our
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sharing the mistake of the day
has turned into, which is kind
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of a moment where everybody
makes fun of me, which is fine,
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which is fine.
And I think your examples were
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very clear.
However, I just want to give you
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the language behind it too.
So from the research, when
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teasing is done well, it makes
you feel included.
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Sarcasm can make you feel
evaluated, as in, there's
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something implied here that I
need to figure out, right?
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And so personally, like I have,
I never feel less equipped and
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more on the outside than when
I'm in a situation which happens
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sometimes, particularly with in
at work, like with Co workers
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where people are bantering and
being very witty.
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And I don't know if I, I don't
even know how to jump in.
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I, I often times think about
double Dutch a lot, I guess
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because I did it a lot in
elementary school.
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And I'm like, this is like when
you're doing double Dutch with
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three or four ropes and it's
going so fast and there's just
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no way that I'm going to break
in.
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That's a good analogy.
I couldn't do it with one rope.
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Well, you can't really double
Dutch, but you certainly can
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banter.
Yes, yes, I can hang.
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I attribute that to watching
every episode of The Simpsons
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growing up, and I'm trying to
open that up to our kids, too.
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I think you could learn
everything about humor and life
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by watching The Simpsons.
Yeah, so basically if our home
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TV catalog right now is The Real
Housewives of Beverly Hills for
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some social emotional dynamics
and lifestyle.
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Lots of teasing in there.
Yeah, it was so funny.
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It's so funny.
The Simpsons and Full House.
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Yeah, those are the three things
the trifecta children are
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watching right now.
It is.
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I think it's a great I couldn't
trifecta.
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I really could not be prouder.
It's true though, yeah, yeah,
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yeah.
I would love to just nail for
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you the benefits of teasing
'cause I did look into the
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research and there are a few
folks that really have looked
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into this, but Dakhler Kelter
from UC Berkeley is the one that
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I found has the most salient
research for what we're talking
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about today.
And so the two things are that,
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one, teasing really strengthens
bonds when it signals like we're
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safe.
So it can increase feelings of
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affiliation and closeness like
we've talked about before.
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And there's even like this
overlap here, which makes sense
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if you think about it around
attachment theory and
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playfulness, that secure
relationships can tolerate more
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ambiguity or friction when it's
done playfully, right?
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And teasing can even signal
you're safe here, you're part of
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this group as opposed to some
type of threat or danger.
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And that's where I think it's so
important to double down on
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teasing competencies or
strengths because just this past
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week, as you know, I've gotten
myself in a bit of hot water
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accidentally teasing Jade for
things that are not
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competencies, actually things
that we're working on.
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And I felt so bad afterwards.
I'm like, you missed the golden
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rule, Danielle.
Well, but it's OK.
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I'm, you know, I'm learning.
I I apologize.
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Part of teaching teasing is
teaching repair.
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Right, exactly.
And so let's get to that.
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And so so teething teasing
strengthens bonds, number one.
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And then two, teasing builds
discernment and social
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calibration.
So going back to our, the other
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skill that I need to learn,
which is reading the room.
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And so if we can teach them some
type of discernment in reading
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the room as well as just
emotional resilience in social
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situations, right?
So not every social nudge is a
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threat, which currently is how
our children perceive them,
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right?
And I would say particularly
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with Hunter in this kind of
upper elementary prepubescent
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age, it does feel like, you
know, we, we moms of these
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children have been talking a lot
about how they need to be
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judgmental and evaluatory so
that they can hone those skills
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into being discerning.
But right now it just feels like
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everything they say is a zinger
and they just can't let anything
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go or be unbothered about any of
it.
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And they're really harsh with
their words, right?
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And so a lot.
More like the Housewives than it
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is like The Simpsons right now.
Yes, right.
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Part of me feels like some of
the folks on Bravo are
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emotionally immature and that's
why they are.
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So entertained.
On reality TV, right?
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So yeah, it's, it's actually
great for us to see.
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But I do I do see how if we can
learn to have a very strongly
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connected and attached family
that is able to joke and and
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poke fun at one another in a
light hearted way, that can
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really help them outside of our
family in staying unbothered and
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learning how to be playful
without being cruel.
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Yeah, I, I still believe that as
Maverick becomes of age and as
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Jade kind of leans into the self
teasing a little bit and can see
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herself outside of herself, we
can have some sessions where we
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just practice teasing ourselves,
right?
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Showing up with a couple of
strengths and naming what those
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are and then making fun of them.
But you only get to make fun of
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your your own self.
And I think that's a really.
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Good way to laughing at yourself
is a great skill.
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Such a great.
Skill.
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And it's actually really fun.
Yeah, exactly right.
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OK, cool.
And then just some guardrails
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though, because teasing can be
harmful, right?
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It's not as high stakes as
sarcasm, but teasing can be
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harmful in certain situations.
And I'm sure you already know
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this intuitively.
But again, for me, I have to
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make it explicit.
So when there's a, a power
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imbalance, So sometimes like an
older sibling or a parent
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without warmth, if the target of
the teasing can't respond or opt
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out, if it hits at something
that you're working on or are
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vulnerable about.
And finally, if there's no
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repair after discomfort, right,
there's no repair.
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So if, if there's teasing gone
wrong and it hasn't been
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repaired, that is another place
where it can actually do some
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harm, right?
So then I ask us, how do we stay
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above the line when it comes to
teasing and reap all of these
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00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:09,000
pro social benefits that Adam
Grant is talking about and that
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00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:14,320
fun feeling of of cohesion as a
family without getting our
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feelings hurt or it being too
hard as Hunter said.
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Yeah, I mean, that's starting
with starting small, right?
338
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Starting with teasing ourselves
about our strengths, then other
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00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:28,480
people teasing us about our
strengths, then we can work on
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some of the things that we long
for in other people.
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And when they show up with those
characteristics, we can tease
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that too.
Like that idea of, oh, who's
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this child?
It can't be my child because the
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room is clean, right?
That's a little more advanced
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than just saying, oh, you know,
so and so showed up with X.
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Of course they did.
And so one thing that I want our
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kids to learn, and maybe this is
helpful for all kids out there,
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is to say something that they
did and then just repeat the
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words.
I'm sure you're shocked after
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that, just because it's an easy
tease that applies to just about
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00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:12,000
everything, right?
Like I got my lightsaber out.
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00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:15,720
I'm sure you're shocked.
You know, Maverick, right?
353
00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:19,600
Jade being like, I'm going to
wear long sleeves today.
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00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:21,480
I'm sure you're you're shocked,
right?
355
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:25,640
That's a good one.
And hunter being like, I haven't
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brushed my teeth yet.
I'm sure you're shocked, right,
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because that works for strains,
weaknesses, anything.
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And that's just really playful.
So I, I thought about that as
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one that I just want to bring
home the I'm sure you're shocked
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and like that's level 1.
OK, I like it.
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I like it a lot.
And a family meeting this week,
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we did come up with three
guiding principles, which, you
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know, I pulled from the research
and who just knew intuitively.
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So I'm going to share them in
Greg's kind of intuitive way,
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00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:57,320
which is #1 only tease about
strengths, as we've talked about
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#2 the other person gets to
decide whether or not it's
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funny.
So the person being teased gets
368
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to decide whether or not it's
funny.
369
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:09,360
And #3 we celebrate those
moments where someone had a had
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a good one and the other person
adjusted, softened, or if it
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didn't go well, we celebrate the
repair.
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Yeah, immediate repair.
So it's just closing that.
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Feedback loop.
You know, this is where I love
374
00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:25,760
thinking about the Citadel
global equities portfolio
375
00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:29,320
managers or Roger Federer only
being right 54% of the time.
376
00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:32,640
I'd be shocked if we had that
high of a hit ratio.
377
00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:35,240
But is there always a feedback
loop?
378
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,080
Right, that's what I actually
care about.
379
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So if we missed the mark, let's
repair.
380
00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:42,840
If it was actually a funny joke,
let's all just relish in the
381
00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:45,520
laughter a bit.
And I also.
382
00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:49,040
Think that as far as a family
experiment, sharing our own
383
00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:54,760
mistakes of the day is actually
a wonderful way to be playful
384
00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:57,040
about this.
Because on the one hand, you
385
00:22:57,040 --> 00:22:59,720
know, going back to like our
courage episode in the teens,
386
00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:02,560
right?
Learning from making sure that
387
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we learn from mistakes, right is
a wonderful skill.
388
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:12,640
But if we can actually get to
humor and be not just learn from
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our mistakes, but laugh at them
and be playful with them, I
390
00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:23,400
think that's truly a master
class in this process oriented
391
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:25,440
learning.
Yeah, it's so.
392
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:29,320
Good to show up with mistakes.
It brings us to a place where
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we're relatable, where people
know that it's it opens the door
394
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to playful teasing and also
teaches that you're not in the
395
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:40,560
game if you're not making
mistakes, right?
396
00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:43,400
Yes, and I want to.
Be in the game like that's The
397
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:49,920
thing is I want our family.
We are so good at the family
398
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:54,640
learning, if you will, right
like the very straight down the
399
00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:58,920
fairway learning these core
skills of things like discipline
400
00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:02,400
equals freedom and talent sets
the floor, character sets the
401
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:04,640
ceiling.
All of these really what I'll
402
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:09,640
call earnest skills to a great
life We're.
403
00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:10,480
Almost a year into.
This.
404
00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:16,000
Now I really want to be playful.
Me too and I.
405
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:21,000
Want to break the 4th wall for a
second and and say like any
406
00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:26,960
perception that we have it all
together is completely off base.
407
00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:30,200
It could not be further from the
truth.
408
00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:36,640
Like we F up all the time with
our kids on a daily basis.
409
00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:42,240
There is screaming, there is
yelling, there is slam doors,
410
00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:45,400
there's fighting.
There's a lot of crap going on
411
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,440
here.
This is not like this is our
412
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:49,640
peaceful time when the kids are
at school, right?
413
00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:51,920
And we're talking about and we
reflect and we.
414
00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:55,680
Reflect and talk.
About what we can do to bolster
415
00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:58,240
the good moments and have more
of them.
416
00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:01,280
But there are so many bad ones
and that is part of being a
417
00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:03,080
parent.
Yes, 100%.
418
00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:05,080
Right.
And I also think that, you know,
419
00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:09,840
we're I guess 8 1/2 years into
being parents, I don't expect to
420
00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:12,320
have 100% hit ratio all the
time, right?
421
00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:16,680
Like I now know that if I can
have a slightly better than
422
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:20,840
worse interaction type of day,
that is a real win, right?
423
00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:26,400
Also the.
The losses don't get remembered
424
00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:32,480
really like when they're so
fleeting, it's like, oh so and
425
00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:36,000
so had a blow up or I yelled at
this kid because they did
426
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:38,800
something or like the repair is
so easy.
427
00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:46,760
It is a place to scaffold from.
We remember the winds like
428
00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:49,440
forever.
Like I I go to bed every night
429
00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:53,720
thinking about one to two really
great connecting moments through
430
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,440
in our family from the day.
I've never thought about
431
00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:59,880
anything like, you know, that
that didn't go my way.
432
00:25:59,880 --> 00:26:01,080
Oh, well, that's good.
I.
433
00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:04,040
Certainly think about those too.
But it's OK.
434
00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:07,960
I just so to sum up what Greg
started to say, there is just a
435
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:12,920
lot of lost points here, a lot
of unforced errors and a lot of
436
00:26:12,920 --> 00:26:15,440
lost points and that's OK.
That's totally.
437
00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:18,000
OK, that's to be expected what
we're talking.
438
00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,480
About here.
Is how to build a culture that
439
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:24,680
is uniquely ours and how to lead
into that culture so that it
440
00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:29,080
doesn't get created without our
oversight, without us being
441
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:32,640
intentional.
And that doesn't mean create a
442
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:35,760
bunch of goody 2 shoes.
That doesn't mean create a
443
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:39,200
household that is, you know,
waking up and singing songs
444
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:42,840
together day in day out like,
well, we do that sometimes.
445
00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:48,640
We, we really do believe that
we're just trying to amplify the
446
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:53,160
winds 54%.
I definitely think that we are
447
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:56,480
always going to lean into our
strengths, which for me is being
448
00:26:56,760 --> 00:27:00,440
very earnest and disciplined,
but not only.
449
00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:04,000
I'm so glad that we've started
to explore the shadow side of
450
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:10,000
things and now turning ourselves
towards more levity and
451
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:11,000
playfulness.
Totally.
452
00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:13,440
It's the.
Perfect season for it and it
453
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:14,920
helps for.
Me that there's lots of research
454
00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:18,160
that says it's a good thing and
tells me how to do it well,
455
00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:20,040
that's the guiding.
Principle right if research says
456
00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:21,920
it's good then we have to talk
about I mean for sure well
457
00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:22,960
there's.
Research and there's lived
458
00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:25,560
experience, right?
And so I'm now going to share,
459
00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:27,720
we will report back on our lived
experience.
460
00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:31,240
Yep, Yep.
So if you guys.
461
00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:33,720
Have any good Simpsons episodes
that you'd like to recommend?
462
00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:35,560
Let us know.
You don't need to.
463
00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:42,080
Recommend them to me.
We didn't do an.
464
00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:44,280
Opening though, well, that.
That was the idea.
465
00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:47,320
So I'm actually, I think I'm
going to take us away from doing
466
00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:50,800
an opening because this is the
show.
467
00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:57,240
This is not the show.
If we are saying welcome, then
468
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:59,720
we invite other people into the
conversation right away and it
469
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:02,160
becomes stiff until we're able
to connect back here.
470
00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:07,440
So this has been another episode
of The Most Important Thing.
471
00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:10,440
Are you gonna Do like?
A an intro then like just didn't
472
00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:12,320
we record it?
Maybe not, maybe maybe not.
473
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:15,840
OK, some of my favorite podcasts
have 0 intro these days.
474
00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:18,520
They just know what they're
getting, OK?
475
00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:19,720
And if they don't know what
they're.
476
00:28:19,720 --> 00:28:22,240
Getting They will be so happy
that they listened.
477
00:28:22,240 --> 00:28:25,320
Woop woop.
Playful.
478
00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:28,800
Love you goosey.
Love you, goosey.
