TMIT 47: Adolescent Academy (Creating a Modern Rite of Passage for Our Kids)

0:00 Hi, everybody. Welcome back to The Most Important Thing. I'm Danielle. And I'm Greg, and together we're exploring family, culture, and leadership at home. And today I want to welcome everyone to Adolescent Academy. That's right. Today we're going to talk about something that I would say is research informed and that the wisdom is pretty ancient, but we are going out on a limb and experimenting this Neufeld family, creating something that, yes, we're calling Adolescent Academy. And so we wanted to invite you into an active, ongoing experiment in the Neufeld home today. This is kind of like a brainchild of yours. I would say that that you that you've started ruminating on really ever since this one day when we were getting passports, right.

0:52 Well, I think it started way before that, but this is really my way of putting everything into a nice little box as I do, and making the implicit explicit around so many of the things that I have read from David Yeager's book 10 to 25 to Gordon Neufeld and Gaboormatte is Hold On to Your Kids, to The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Height. Like everybody is talking about the adolescent mental health crisis, right? And also failure to launch and kids on their couches at 25. And then I also have perceived, and this is I think is less talked about, this would all call hyper individualization of children at a very young age. So on the one hand, we have adults who aren't adulting, and on the other hand we have children who are being asked to pick up a sport, enjoy a hobby, really have a unique identity from a very early age.

2:00 And as a student of history, I think about how for much of life, for much of humanity, there was much more of a shared identity and collective purpose, really, like throughout life, right, but especially during the early childhood years. And this idea of achievement and individualization at a young age is a modern invention. And so I've started to get curious around that aspect of things combined with the complete lack in our secular Society of rites of passage today. So where, you know, young boys would go out into the wilderness, stay there for an experience five to seven nights, have to go through a series of challenges and come back and be welcomed into the tribe as men or young girls would enter the Red Tent when they first got their periods right. And so these.

3:03 Very different rites of passage. I, I feel badly for the for the women back then. I think that one thing that we've done is catch women up and have them have more of a sense of identity. But I totally take your point that like the rites of passage is absolutely missing. I don't think that we need to go back to the Red Tent. I love the red tent. I have no problem with the red tent. I mean, I think it's really more about, you know, stepping into your masculinity as a man and stepping into your femininity as a woman. So, you know, from being outgoing in the masculine sense and achieving to being more receptive and looking inward, right. A lot of a lot of a young woman's, I think feminine journey is around looking inward and focusing on reception. But you know, that's not what we're here to talk about today. What we're here to talk about today is why couple weeks ago at the passport office, when all three of our children were being rambunctious because it was really hard to sit around and wait.

4:00 I was irate at Hunter for doing a cartwheel and yelling about how bored she was. I did not have the same feeling at all about Jaden Maverick. And what I'm realizing and what I think you and I have come to realize and she has come to realize over the past couple of months is that there has been a step change. Something has significantly shifted in the way that she's interacting with the world and the way that the world perceives her both in and outside this family. And so, rather than continue to berate her for expectations of her that are new to me but that I haven't yet named, we decided to sit down as a family and have a ceremony of sorts to initiate Hunter into something that we are calling Adolescent Academy. It's a cool concept here and there's a lot of precedent for it even in the books that our kids are reading. So I think that it's pretty been pretty easy to name and they're getting excited about it because they can relate to some of the stories, whether it's Star Wars or Warriors, about these really these journeys that kids with special powers have to go through in order to get to their mastery. Right.

5:26 Yeah. It's kind of ironic that the things that the kids are gravitating towards have all of these rites of passage, even Pokémon. We found out today that like these little Pokémon will have different arrows of their lives, right where they're seen as youngling to apprentice to master, and yet it's completely gone in today's society. They're thrust out into the world at 18 or 25 or whatever it is, and they have no idea how to operate other than as a kid where we were the concierge and the finance financier. Right. And so the first thing that we did, we did this at family meeting, the first thing we did was we laid the groundwork.

6:09 Now, you know, this is a big experiment for us, Greg. And I don't know where we're going either, but we know like the next three steps, right? So, and I also know that, you know, something that was really very formative for me is when I graduated college, my dad gave me a graduation check and he said congratulations and my work here is done. You are now officially off my payroll. And I knew that that was coming, but it was also so clear and so a little scary, but mostly super validating that I was now ready to be on my own. And so that's kind of like that ultimate space that I hope to find our children in, right?

6:50 Where I can say like it's not just financial, but you are off my payroll, you are climbing your own mountains, right? And So what we did, though, at family meeting was really chart out what we think this journey might look like. And this is where the Star Wars lore came in really handy because at first they are younglings, and then they become Padawans. And So what we're really talking about here with Adolescent Academy is the Padawan experience, right? This series of changes and changes in your own expectations, things you're noticing and challenges to become a Jedi. Yeah. And it's not as straightforward as going into a cave and coming back with a crystal and making your lightsaber. There's going to be a bunch of different things and steps along the way.

7:35 But our goal here is to make the implicit explicit and name them to Hunter and name them eventually to Jade and Maverick. That this is what it looks like. This is your path. And so when you get that last check or whatever you know that that final ritual is, not only are you expecting it, but you knew that that was coming and you're ready for it. And so it is our hope that they can each Co create this path with us. Because what one of the things that I think we really both started to notice about Hunter is her movement from kind of this imaginary or fairy tale world to starting to have what developmental psychologist would call like theory of mind and really starting to feel more grounded in reality and reason and noticing how people are experiencing her. Right, right.

8:32 And. The awareness of being more than just a little kid. Right and alongside of that is that she wants to contribute like she wants to contribute in her friend group. You know, just this past week, she was like, mom, we were on the tin can phone and so and so didn't know that I was sitting next to them and it was almost like I wasn't there. And so she's starting to have these experiences in groups through at group activities where she's reflecting on how she showed up or didn't. She's definitely holding herself more accountable. Like her heart repair has had a step change as well as far as what she's able to apologize for and how she's showing how she's showing up. And so, you know, these are these, there are numerous examples, but we wanted to take advantage of of the opportunity when she's perfectly willing to contribute and she still cares what we think.

9:25 I think if we had delayed this conversation until she did have her first period, she'd be a full-fledged teenager at that point, right? And this would feel more like punishment right now. We're really trying to put a positive spin on it. Yeah, earning things as she is ready rather than having to ask for them when she is past the point feels like the right way to encourage her to grow up. Yeah. So if you happen to have a kid who's in the process of a step change at any point along this adolescence, we today are going to share with you how we framed the conversation. And you know, it doesn't have to be some big grand gesture. It doesn't even have to be, you know, the nine boxes that I'm going to lay out for you, but to have to really take the initiative to make the implicit explicit. And if you are starting to have different expectations of your child, chances are they're noticing. And so how can we, instead of having a, you know, you are older now and here's what I expect of you conversation, turn that into coming from a place of competence, using more of an asset orientation and talking about how these changes present a new opportunity for our child and the whole family. That's right.

10:50 The the one thing I would I just realized is that we talked a lot about and and looked into the ages at which these kind of things generally happen in different cultures. And being non denominational is comes at a structural disadvantage in a case like this because we don't have a communion or any kind of ceremony that typically happens around this age 789. So basically we have to come up with it. And so that's what we're doing. Yes, this is this is a secular First Holy Communion, but it really is. OK. So here's how we framed the conversation. 3 concentric circles of myself within my family and within my community.

11:36 And then we started talking about for each, what are you noticing, What are the expectations, and what are some challenges that we can have fun with that will inspire you to work through this level and eventually get to the next one? Yeah, absolutely. So so at family meeting the whiteboard boxes, but really the conversation is pretty simple. It's hey, we see you and here's how we think that we can structure more responsibility and you growing up. Yep. And how do you see yourself, Right? I think we did a pretty good job of holding her, holding our tongues actually, until she was done. So as far as like the things that she's noticed about herself is that she's showering alone.

12:22 She's starting to take more accountability and things like heart repair and admitting her mistakes and that she's starting to reflect more. Like, I've never actually heard Hunter say you're the best mommy in the world until like the past three months. Because when I do something nice for her, a couple hours later, she actually comes back and thanks me for it and tells me how much that meant to her. That is. That's new. That's a really new thing. And I want to take advantage of that, you know? And then we noticed that she's staying up later than her siblings and she's eye rolling, right? Rolling your eyes a lot more at things that we say. And writing in her diary. She's been on like a a real writing and diary Sprint. Yeah. She's like a reflection machine these days. Yeah.

13:03 And so we're taking advantage of it. So, you know, for some kids it might happen at 7. For some 9. Hunter is 8 and 1/4, and this is the time within the family she has started taking on like higher order morning tasks. So she's the only one that can successfully fill up the water bottles, add electrolytes without knocking things over. But by the way, she still still does sometimes. But like, you know, she's got like a 90% rate on that, right? And so she is doing those things now and I can rely on her. Before it had to be me, right? And then also, you know, participating in some of our adult conversations, like we, all of the kids at Maverick School, have been climbing one of the trees, the moringa tree, higher than they're supposed to. And one of the teachers and I were talking about it the other day, and Hunter came right up.

13:54 And she said, you know, at my school, we have a nest where we're not allowed to go past the nest. So maybe you guys could put like a marker or some kind of rope that can tell the kids where not to go higher. And now they're doing that. That's great. So like really starting to participate in adult conversations and chatting with moms at play dates, which I think is like so cute now. So if Jade or Maverick have a play date and I'm talking to the mom like she will, rather than go play with the kids, she wants to sit with us and chat. Yeah. And then with society the other day, we had like an all three kid play date and we thought we were going to do like a pajama party.

14:37 And I have never seen Hunter more uncomfortable then should she. Shouldn't she wear pajamas? She did not want to have her friend see her in her pajamas. She was worried that her friend wasn't going to show up in pajamas. And when it was time to walk Winston, she had to change. She's like, I don't want any stranger seeing me in my pajamas. The other two kids could care less, of course, right? And so these are the things that she and we have really noticed that laid the foundation for how she thinks expectations should change given all of these new capabilities that she's experiencing. Yeah, she's she's ready for the path. She's ready for the path.

15:25 So we framed it as this is the initiation orientation. You're in level 1 of Adolescent Academy. I don't know how many levels there are. Maybe there are three, maybe there are 8. We'll figure it out. But I know for sure that she's in level 1, the beginning of level 1. And so then we moved from from what she's noticing, what we're all noticing to how our expectations are changing. And this was really my opportunity to get creative around letting her come up with the ways that the expectation should change because I certainly have noticed that a lot of the standards that I hold her to are evolving, right?

16:07 And so her suggestions were to finish what I start at a steady pace and to get fewer reminders to brush my teeth and do my other morning chores. And with the family, it's to continue looking for opportunities to take a lead on higher order tasks. Like this past couple of weeks, she sewed her sister's shorts that she wears every day. So taking on taking initiative to support Jaden Maverick and contribute to our family in a way she hasn't before. And then with society. This is when we talked about the passport office and how quite frankly, I don't think it's acceptable for her to do cartwheels inside anymore or to express how bored she is in public and what she could do instead. Because this is where I'm not going to like, if you know that we're going to the passport office, you can bring a book like I'm, I don't think of I need to pack a bag of tricks for you anymore.

17:07 Yeah, what I said to her as we were reflecting on what went wrong is she came along for the ride not understanding what we were doing, where we were going, and she didn't show up with any questions or get curious while we were there. She was just, she regressed, as maybe society does when we go to the passport office or the DMV or anything like that. Right. I. Mean it's not. Yeah, it's not the most exciting place for sure. And there's a there's a lot of energy there that is just like, pretty depressing. It's not so bad in Florida. It's way better than in Manhattan. For sure, you know, at the end of the day, I would have loved to have a conversation.

17:49 It was a teaching moment. Like what is a passport? You know, what are we doing here? Why do we need these things? Like, and I want to encourage her to ask these questions to get curious herself, not wait for us to have these teaching moments and to like give her the syllabus of every moment, you know, that she's out of her comfort zone. Yeah, I mean, listen, sure, it was an opportunity for us to like do all the right parenting techniques, like prepare the child for what to expect and why do we need to get passports and you can pack a bag of tricks. But I guess what I wanted to make clear to her is that there's I'm not always going to remember and when I don't over prepare for something that's annoying, I expect you to manage yourself to maintain composure even when I haven't prepared.

18:42 Yep. And I think that this was kind of the point was like, this is what we expect of you in Level 1 about adolescent Academy is to start showing up as a curious neufeld, like in the same way that you go and talk to the moms at a play date. Like that's kind of the energy that we want you to bring everywhere. Yep, and the reason why she's going to be in level 1 for a while is because all of these are skills that we are happy to scaffold right now, right? And I think we are. That's what this level is all about is I love the heuristic that I heard once from Wellness Mama of I do it, we do it, you do it. And so much of what we're talking about here in level 1 is we do it.

19:22 And when she's ready to graduate to level 2, it will be because she has been able to take on a lot of those things. And so now it's a you do it hunter yourself. Yeah, we're moving from concierge to mentor and eventually to consultants. Yeah, yes, I like the move from concierge to mentor. I'm not sure. I'm not ready to move to. Consultant. Consultant is when she's like 18 or 25 right? That was actually, you know, Jade started crying when we had this initial conversation about the path and about what Adolescent Academy means, and she was just really scared that it meant Hunter would leave us. And then Hunter drew like a big circle like her one her contribution to the map that I drew. Was by kind of Xing Xing out the part that says climb your own mountains and saying we're really drawing a dotted line around the part that says climb your own mountains. And she wrote not right now.

20:24 And so, you know, this is probably just me always wanting to futurecast so much that like they are very, very focused on staying with us for as long as possible. Like the idea of going to college really scares them, which is fine. They are 8 and six years old. And so all we're really trying to say to her right now is that we are now in a Co creation phase. Whereas, I mean, it's true. It's so true though, that like just in the past couple of months, she started to do things that I can't do. Everything from like curling your tongue to climbing a rope to solving some of our logic puzzles. That's new.

21:09 I used to be able to do everything better. Yeah, the app that we had for when the kids were little, the Wonder Weeks that said all the leaps that they were going through does not go through age 18, but she definitely went through a leap. She definitely went through a leap and so therefore it's our job as leaders of our family to notice that and to not reprimand without explaining, right, But to really say, OK, you're ready. It is time that we start Co creating what your adolescence looks like. I'm not outsourcing it to you. I intend to be fully involved your primary attachment for this entire period of time.

21:51 But you're noticing change. And so it makes sense for us to start doing this together. And then the third piece, so we talked about notices and expectations is really what we're calling challenges. And this is where we are trying to have fun with it, right? And so, you know, we are going on spring break and one of her challenges, they'll probably be quite a few, right? But one of her challenges will be ordering off the menu at the restaurant and talking to the waitress herself. Another will be packing her own suitcase after we Co create her packing list. And the graduation level challenge, the getting your kyber crystal from The Cave and making your own lightsaber will be can you wake up, get yourself dressed as she does now, but then go about your entire morning routine and get out the door without anyone reminding her or asking her or helping her with anything? Yeah, I mean, that will be a real self indicator, right, that she has, that she has made change. But I love that.

22:58 I don't see that happening for a long time. No, but I love that she has something to think about and work up to. Yeah. It's one of them, right? Yeah, of course. I think there's probably one for herself, one for at least one for herself, one for society and one for, you know, with her peers. And her family. Yeah, right. As it relates to the things though that I would like to support her with or it is really things that I, I want to start edging towards this idea of mentor from concierge. And so that actually looks like things that we need to stop doing for ourselves, right? Like stop ourselves. From So what you're talking about is something that I haven't thought about until you mentioned it to me this week, which is Danielle, how should we change right, given that and in the way that we interact with her? Well, yes, given how, how should we change in the way that we interact with her?

23:49 And then more broadly, what is this bring up for us in terms of how we change in our like as the next phase of adults, right. Because I, I believe a lot of this individuation of children is caused by a lack of identity in the parents for anything more than a mom to a little kid or a dad to a little kid. And therefore we're taking care of these children because that's the, that's the last major change that happened in our lives, right? Whether we change jobs or, you know, move houses or whatever, like that's not really changing our identity as much as having a child is. And so when we have a child, we're, we don't have adult Academy that moves out of this baby phase and into the adolescence. So like it's right that we need to stop doing things like we need to look at for what we need to stop doing in order to challenge ourselves around this personal growth opportunity. It's a great point.

24:43 So how do you think that we should be challenging ourselves? Well, I think in society is the main one that that comes up for me, which is in any kind of like conflict or opportunity to build connection, which are kind of two sides of the same coin. We need to stand there and be a mentor versus like nudging her or getting involved in the situation and challenging ourselves to do less of the things that she should be doing more of on her own. So some of the things that we could do now would be like start to get a little less involved in the coordination of conflict resolution and be more of the guide on the side, right? So stop solving and start advising. Sure.

25:32 Yeah. So I guess in my words, I would say like I've been a facilitator of a lot of the conflict resolution and now I want her to take initiative. Like we can talk at home about how she might resolve a conflict, but the initiative has to come from her. Yeah, I think that giving her small opportunities to succeed or fail, I don't know exactly what those are, but I really like this idea that at age 8, failure is very cheap tuition. I love this idea of becoming a mentor. I'm tired of being a concierge. Yeah, right. I really AM. Well, we've got a couple more kids to concierge for a little. Bit I know.

26:12 But maybe Hunter can can contribute, yeah. That's true. And then the other thing that we did, what she was really excited about, is because they all play this Warriors game at school, which is about a bunch of different cat clans, she decided that her name is going to be Blue Paw. And so I've referred to her as Blue Paw a couple of times more recently. And she just lights up every time. So apparently in Warrior's lore, for those of us who don't know, when cats are born, they are kits. So she went from Blue Kit to Blue Paw, which is the youngest of young apprentices. OK. That's great. I mean, anything that gives the that makes it a little bit more of a game, I think is amazing.

26:55 Agreed, agreed. And so that's it. So this has been Level 1 of Adolescent Academy. We just wanted to share with you this experiment because personally, I really believe that we as leaders need to create opportunities for high standards and high support for our children while allowing them to contribute to both ourselves and the broader community. And so there's been a bit of an absence in in that more recently. And I think, you know, Jonathan Rothwell shared an article last week on Jonathan Heights Substack about how the Gallup polls show that parents are as warm as ever, but increasingly less demanding. And so if we can make sure that we are explicit with our demands, I'll call them expectations, that we are explicit with our high standards of our children as they are nurtured through adolescence.

28:04 It is my hope that they will one have less adolescent mental health challenge and to really become capable prepared adults. Yeah. And to make this a milestone to to make this impactful, we have this conversation, right? And I feel like that was the signal of the step change that she's going through. But I also think that it would be nice. And we talked about doing some little ritual, some something so that there's a before ceremony and then there's the after time where like she's now in level 1. Right, right. So when we go to Sedona, which is supposed to be a energy vortex, right, which she loves the idea of, we said that we could get her a crystal and have some type of ceremony there just to really clearly demarcate that she is has been initiated into adolescent Academy.

28:57 And when she returns from Sedona, she will be in it. Yeah. Yeah, and I think it, you know, that eye contact in a firm handshake is in order there as well. Like that feels like something we don't do with our kids. And so we can make that a moment. Sure, and it goes right alongside reading American Girl books about friendship troubles and getting your tin can phone. Yep, exactly. So it's all happening. What a fun. It's great to be 8. I guess. Part of me wishes that I would have had this. As well. Yeah, same here. Just just a naming and way to have fun with some of the changes that we're starting to see and normalizing it as something that all Jedi or all warriors go through.

29:39 Totally. And you know, to leave a little thought here, like for all of us that were peer oriented like myself and looked to the older kids or were in classes with older kids and things like that, maybe having a path and charting that path to what these graduation levels look like. We'll keep more focus on the family and on the self then on trying to do what everyone else is doing because there is no named explicit path. So that's kind of an interesting thing that I don't know if there's any science behind that, but I'm very excited to see how Adolescent Academy unfolds. Yeah, I think that Hunter is really excited to be the first one going through this within our family, and she sees herself as being Blue Paw as part of the larger Neufeld clan.

30:32 Very cool. So family is a team. Family is a team. What's we're going to keep at? I think we need some cool names too. Oh, she named me. I am. I am Eurastar because I love iridescence. And so she actually did decide that I'm the leader of our clan and you're my deputy. OK, so I think there's a different name for you. So I think that means you have to name me. OK, stay tuned. Yeah. All right, so this has been our episode about Adolescent Academy. We're so excited about it. We would love to hear if you are starting to notice changes in your young adolescence or if you maybe had something crazy like this in your family growing up, because family is the most important team that we will ever build and we're really excited to be building it alongside of you. We sure are.

31:23 See you next time. Love you cousy. Love you cousy.