July 20, 2025
TMIT 19: Belonging
🎙️ Episode 19: Belonging
From the Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto:
“We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other no matter what. You will always belong here.”
In this episode of The Most Important Thing, we dive into one of the most fundamental human needs: belonging.
We unpack the tension between raising kids with a strong family identity while also giving them the space to become their own people.
Along the way, we explore:
- The difference between fitting in and belonging (thanks, Brené + 8th graders!).
- What it looks like to foster individuation at any age.
- How childhood wounds around belonging shape us as adults.
- The risk of a strong family culture becoming unwelcoming.
- Why tolerance, trust, and dialogue are essential as kids absorb outside influences.
- What we’ve been doing—versus what we might experiment with—when a child comes home with “someone else’s energy.”
TMIT about Belonging is that our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self‑acceptance.
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Welcome to The Most Important
Thing.
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I'm Danielle DeMarco Neufeld.
And I'm Greg Neufeld, and
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together we're exploring how
ambitious busy families can
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build culture at home.
Because after all, family is the
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most important thing.
Hi everybody, and welcome back
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to episode 19 on belonging.
We are continuing with our
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wholehearted parenting
manifesto, which I'm sure you
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know by now.
And the line today is we will
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always have permission to be
ourselves with each other.
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No matter what, you will always
belong here.
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Belonging is a real tough
cookie.
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OK.
It's like the most important
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thing and yet so hard to nail
down, I think, and to really
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feel right in Maslow's hierarchy
of needs, it's the very bottom
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of the pyramid.
Love and belonging is like the
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base need of human, of the human
condition.
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Yeah, and there's lots of
different types of belonging,
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right?
Brene, who, you know, she's a
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shame researcher, but I think
the belonging is inextricably
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linked to the shame in the human
experience.
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And so she says we have to
belong to ourselves as much as
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we need to belong to others.
When I read that, I was thinking
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about you.
And so we've touched upon the
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idea that you are a four on the
Enneagram, which is defined as
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the terminally unique.
And like most personality tests,
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the Enneagram is not everything.
But I do think it's a pretty
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informative.
Before that I would have called
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myself maybe a chameleon.
OK, so I agree with the
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assessment that I I do feel
terminally unique and through my
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whole life I have done a lot of
intentional work to blend in
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wherever my surroundings brought
me.
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Interesting.
Yeah.
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Because you know, in Brene
Brown's Atlas of the Heart, she
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has this great illustration that
comes from one of her times
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speaking with 8th graders about
fitting in versus belonging.
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And they gave some beautiful
definitions, if I will, if you
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don't mind if I go through them
and maybe maybe you can talk
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about some of them resonating or
not with you.
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So the first says belonging is
being somewhere where you want
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to be and they want you versus
fitting in as being somewhere
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you want to be, but they don't
care one way or another.
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That really hits home.
Yeah, I I would have never, I
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would have thought the two were
interchangeable and that
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definition just.
I don't know if this is hitting
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any of you as hard as it's
hitting us, but like, that is
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high school in a nutshell for
me.
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Yeah.
This whole middle.
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School.
Elementary school.
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Being somewhere you want to be,
but they don't care one way or
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another.
Oh, that is something.
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This is a very profoundly wise
13 year old.
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I'd said that.
Can I give you some of the other
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ones?
Belonging is being accepted for
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you.
Fitting in is being accepted for
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being like everyone else.
Yep.
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And then the third one says, if
I get to be me, I belong.
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If I have to be like you, I fit
in.
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I think that one is the one that
is most directly applicable to
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our family and maybe to all
family cultures, which is this
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how to have a strong family
culture and value system of this
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is what it means to be a new
Feld.
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This is what it means to be part
of our family while still making
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space for everyone's individual
preferences and idiosyncrasies,
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and making sure that they know
that they will always belong in
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this family and they don't need
to fit in.
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Absolutely.
I hope that we're modeling that
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for them.
I think the trickier 1 is how to
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model belonging in the broader
sense.
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Yeah, but let's stay in the
family for a.
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Little bit.
So if we if we stay within the
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family, because I don't know if
it's really the trickier one,
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because we have really like the
first eight episodes of this
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podcast have really given us a
foundation for creating routines
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and rituals that set family
culture, family meetings, family
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meals, family movement,
etcetera, right.
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That it really defines what to
belong to.
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Yes, and making space to for
everyone to show up.
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And I do think that our children
really like being Neufelds right
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now.
Like Jayden Hunter and I spoke
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about this on our walk yesterday
and they Hunter even said, you
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know, another thing we could do
is we could all take family
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walks together.
Like they really like being a
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part of our family.
And so, so far, I think we're
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doing OK, but they're going to
grow.
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And I, I do there's this idea, I
guess it's a young Yan idea as
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well called individuation, which
is really separating from your,
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from your family, from your
parents.
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And it is a lifelong process,
but obviously it shows up in
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adolescence most strongly.
And so I think part of this is
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trying.
We are obviously we have a bunch
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of pre adolescence in our
family.
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We are not quite there yet, but
creating this spaciousness for
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healthy individuation is
something that I would really
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like to create practices sooner
rather than later.
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And so when I was looking in the
research as far as what that is,
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and you know, it really is a
continuation of the way that we
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are that we parented our
toddlers and that we still do
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today with with a lot of
autonomy.
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So, you know, do you want to
wear the blue shirt or the red
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shirt?
Do you want to go to the
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bathroom and then brush your
teeth or brush your teeth and
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then go to the bathroom kind of
thing like building just a
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continuation of that.
Everything from those tiny micro
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choices up to, you know, yes,
you can go to that party, but
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please call me when you get
there or please text me when you
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get there, Right.
And so thinking about, I feel
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like there's a lot of literature
out there about how to give
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children autonomy zero to three
at least I certainly have
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experienced have been immersed
in that literature.
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I don't know how much there
really is about 3 to preteen.
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Dr. Becky comes to mind as
someone who can help you with
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skill building, but that still I
don't.
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I mean, I love Doctor Becky, but
I'm not sure that that still, at
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least for me, is giving me
enough of a framework for how to
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allow them to take steps in
individuation and what I'm
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supposed to do to support that
while still maintaining some
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level of authority as the
parent.
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Yeah.
Is the individuation component
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and the lack of resources that
you speak of, is that something
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that is currently showing up
right now where you're looking
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for something proactively
because you're noticing
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something maybe in Hunter and
even Jade as they spend more
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time with friends and pick up
idiosyncratic personality
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characteristics.
I think that's what you pick up.
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Absolutely.
Yeah.
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I just noticed the gap like I, I
don't feel maybe some of our
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listeners can help me with some
guidance because I love a good
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book, right?
And I love a good framework
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around, you know, let's call it
ages 3 to 10.
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If I think that there's, you
know, Heimgennot and Magda
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Gerber and a ton of different
books around kind of the
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toddler, like zero to three
years and how to foster autonomy
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and respect for the individual.
And then I'm already learning
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about things in adolescence.
Like Doctor Lisa Damore comes up
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as someone who is really
focused.
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And I think we we talked about
her in our fear episode as well
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as someone who really is help
helping to manage this idea that
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kids don't need to be happy all
the time, but they do need to
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feel anchored.
But what's in between?
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I think that you, you did
mention friendships and you
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know, let's call it drop off
play dates.
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Yeah, I think the concern for me
is, and this is definitely some
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projection here, I growing up I
did one thing with my family and
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another thing with my friends.
And let's say, you know, we
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didn't have a family culture
practice the way that we do here
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in the Neufeld household.
But I could see the culture
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stopping as soon as our child
hits the playground and then
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comes home and acts one way, a
chameleon, so to speak.
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And isn't upholding the culture
and values in order to fit it.
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Like that's, that's the worry
that I would would have for our
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children.
OK.
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Can you, can you be more
specific like from your
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experience perhaps?
Sure.
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So if a friend of one of our
children is lying or stealing
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or, you know, doing something to
get attention and our child
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thinks that's pretty cool and
they start lying or stealing or
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cheating in school to befriend
that person.
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That doesn't mean that they
believe that those things are
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necessarily good or in line with
their values.
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But they might overweight the
importance of that friendship in
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order to gain trust of that
person versus sticking within
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the guidelines of being noble
and, you know, unbothered and
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really determined to be their
best self in the Newfeld way.
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And that's my fear is that they
show up at school in one way in
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order to gain friends and win
friends and influence people.
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And then they come home and they
are still active, willing
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participants in the Newfeld
family culture.
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But it doesn't carry over.
Where do you think that fear
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comes from?
From me doing it.
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OK, Can you talk a little bit
about that fear then 'cause
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it's, it's funny, like I'll just
tell you that I, I think this
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goes back to this like rebel and
upholder thing too, that like I,
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well, maybe not, I don't know.
I can just tell you that that is
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not something I think I fell
into much as a child.
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Sure.
So let's just use these two
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terms, fitting in and belonging,
OK?
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Fitting in and belonging feel
very similar as a child or felt
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very similar as a child to me.
Even though now listening to
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that definition, I was like,
wow, I was not belonging.
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I was just fitting in.
And the person that was driving
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that negative culture in my
friend group that I was trying
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to follow couldn't have cared
less whether or not I was a
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participant or not.
I cared.
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And so I thought that I was
belonging at home.
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I felt like I was belonging
already.
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And So what work do I need to do
to put in here?
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I belong here.
I don't belong there.
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I need to do the work to belong
over there.
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That's what I think a lot of
children are faced with when
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they have to choose between
eating lunch alone or eating
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lunch with a group of peers that
they don't necessarily see
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themselves as being aligned with
socially.
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Like hey, I can I can be a a
good person and eat at the
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loser's table where I can be a
bad person and eat with the cool
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kids.
That's like really black and
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white.
Is that really how you felt?
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100%.
Interesting.
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I mean, it's it, it wasn't just
how I felt.
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It's it's how it was.
Yeah.
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I guess question for you.
So though those kids at the cool
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table, do you think that any of
them would say that they really
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felt that they belonged in high
school with their peer group or,
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or even in middle school?
Or do you think that everybody
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I, I don't know.
Oh I I I truly think that this
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goes back to not feeling like
they belonged at home.
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Oh.
So it's a point of view that I
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have no perspective on because I
always felt like I belonged at
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home.
But when I hear stories of
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entrepreneurs that were shunned
by their father, you know, who
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had a drinking problem or a
gambling problem or, you know,
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left the family or had a second
family, this idea of chips on
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shoulders put chips in pockets,
I think coined by Josh Wolf.
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It, it really rings true to me.
I don't have any experience with
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that.
That was not me.
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Interesting.
But I do believe that some of
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those stories were mirrors of
the kids that I spent time with
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at the cool kids table.
Yeah, OK.
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Yeah, because the second part of
Brene Brown's, you know, 8th
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grader post it note illustration
is all about not belonging at
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home.
And so I'd love to read you some
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of these because I think these
are, you know, we're actively
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making space for family culture
right now.
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But I do think that these are
telling potential blind spots
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and something that we should
that we could look out for.
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So let me let.
Me and and by the way, before
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you do that, remember that
anyone who's not belonging at
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home is going to try to find
belonging somewhere, right
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because.
It's a foundational need.
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Because it's a foundational
need.
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And so the fear that I have for
our children is that that
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becomes attractive just as as
much as it was attractive to me.
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And that they don't have tools
for integrating, for bringing
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that back to us and saying, hey,
I really think that this is an
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interesting perspective on life.
And don't tell me that this
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person's bad because I want to
be their friend, but do tell me
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how I can go to sleep at night
and uphold the Neufeld family
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values while also seeing and
exploring this perspective that
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this person has on life that is
new and interesting and
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different and and kind of
attractive to me.
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And I didn't have that.
I had a black and white.
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It was like, OK, you can be
friends with that person, but
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that's a bad kid.
Yeah, and I fear that we may
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pass that along.
Bingo.
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I think that the flip side of
having such an intentional
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family culture is that we may
create walls and that, you know,
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may look like walls with
extended family or other
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families in the neighborhood,
but it also may look like walls
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that our children, when they
want to spend time with peers,
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feel like they can't come back
inside of.
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And so I think our work to do
and we have time.
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Our kids are 7, five and three.
We have we have time.
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They still look up to us and
think everything that we say is
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great for the most part.
But this is this is kind of the
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stuff that I've been, I think
beating around the Bush about
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now that I'm thinking about some
of my worries.
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And it's what's rubbing off on
our kids elsewhere that they're
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bringing into the home that
right now we can correct and
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they understand.
And giving giving them some
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space from it allows them to
reintegrate, but as they get
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older they don't want to correct
those things.
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Yeah.
I think that we've been a bit
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critical around like, oh, you're
at this camp and when you come
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home, you need to shake off that
energy because that energy is
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not acceptable in our home,
right.
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So, yeah, I think that we have
some work to do here because we
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are very frequently saying
things like you need to shake
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off that energy from camp
because you're hanging around
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with kids that are more fill in
the blank than you and that's
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not how you behave.
So you need to come back and be
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Hunter and be part of the
Neufeld family, right?
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And so that's already we're it's
like a we're giving her no space
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to integrate things from
outside.
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And here, on the one hand, we're
saying that we want family as a
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democracy and we want to be able
to set the culture as a family
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of five individuals.
But on the other hand, when our
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kids are going out and exploring
other energies, let's just say
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we are not receptive to it
coming back so far.
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And I think we need to change
that.
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Yeah.
And in conversations with
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friends that have older kids,
you know, I've been trying to
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00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:30,120
put myself in the kids shoes
when I'm listening to the parent
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talk about some of the some of
the firm rules that they put
283
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around topics that I think are
were put around me and that I
284
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evaded seamlessly, right.
It's so interesting because when
285
00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:43,840
you talk to your friends you put
yourself in the kids seat
286
00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:46,960
exactly, but then somehow you
become your parent when it's our
287
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:48,200
kids at home.
Totally.
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00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:52,320
And so I see this as a blind
spot and I don't want history to
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00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:56,400
repeat itself where we have a
wonderful family culture and one
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00:16:56,400 --> 00:17:00,840
of our children, probably one or
two, not all three in this case.
291
00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:03,840
But I do think that we're at
risk of one or two of our kids
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00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:07,960
for sure to repeat exactly the
same behavior that I did.
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00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:12,000
And more importantly, for us to
repeat the same behavior that my
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parents did, which was to not
ignore it, but almost like act
295
00:17:18,319 --> 00:17:21,319
as if it was a phase or just say
you need to shake off that
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00:17:21,319 --> 00:17:25,880
energy or just, you know, try to
try to pull me back in when the
297
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:29,520
school year was over.
So some work to do.
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00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:32,640
Here, absolutely.
So what I am hearing is that
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there's something here wrapped
up in belonging about tolerance,
300
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:43,640
and I think that we could work
on accepting differences while
301
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:46,320
still maintaining connection.
Definitely.
302
00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:51,760
And yeah, I think that that's
part of our work to do with our
303
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:56,320
bridges from this island.
To continue the metaphor, 'cause
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00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:59,200
it's, you know, it's within our
community, it's within our
305
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:01,560
extended family.
Because we were talking to a
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00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:04,120
friend the other day and he said
something that really made me
307
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:06,360
think.
And he said, you know, we're so
308
00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:09,400
intentional about creating our
family culture that it is
309
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:13,400
creating my words like knock on
effects within our extended
310
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:17,040
family and, you know, maybe
changing, like changing the
311
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,720
boundaries in the way that we
that we interact with them.
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00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:24,160
But a thing that we think about
a lot is what are we ultimately
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00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:31,400
teaching our children about how
to tolerate differences if we
314
00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:35,200
kind of keep ourselves in a
bubble and don't allow
315
00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:38,720
connection to people that have
different values than we do?
316
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:43,800
And that really hit me because I
think that, you know, boundaries
317
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:48,640
are important to keep ourselves
safe and connected, but there
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00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:53,600
are often opportunities to
practice tolerance of
319
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:56,400
differences in other people that
are perfectly safe, differences
320
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,760
that we can accept.
And to really, I guess this
321
00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:02,920
comes back to making the
implicit explicit again, and to
322
00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:08,000
look for opportunities to talk
about differences that we do
323
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:12,800
observe and and can tolerate and
still feel safe.
324
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:18,160
Yeah, I've, I've always gone to
this like being grateful for the
325
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:22,000
global society that our kids are
growing up in where you and I
326
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:27,440
have access to resources and
connections and people and we're
327
00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:31,240
just relatively resourceful
ourselves at finding more like
328
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:34,480
minded folks.
Like Hunter going to theater
329
00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:38,000
camp is an amazing exploration
for her.
330
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:42,720
How do I had a broader horizon
where didn't necessarily need to
331
00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:48,080
associate with the same 110 kids
for my entire K through 12
332
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:50,680
school?
Like maybe I would have leaned
333
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:53,480
into some of those things as
opposed to pull pulling back.
334
00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:56,880
Like I definitely pulled back
academically.
335
00:19:57,280 --> 00:20:00,800
I definitely pulled back in in
extracurriculars.
336
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:05,480
I definitely tried to play
sports that I had no business or
337
00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:08,720
no interest in playing.
It's just one of those things.
338
00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:11,400
And like, I just think the world
is so much bigger as opposed to
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00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:14,560
us having to deal with basically
the bullying that comes out of
340
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:19,200
small town politics.
Just expand the horizons and go
341
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:22,400
where it's warm.
OK, so how do you make that
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00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:27,200
actionable though, Like because
a lot of people do live in.
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00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:29,800
I mean, there's Jenny who like
gets to live half the year in
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Rome, which is amazing and I
think a real bonus for her kids,
345
00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:35,200
as we talked about on the team
at teammates episode.
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But I do think most of us spend
12 months of the year in one
347
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area in community and there's a
lot of benefits to community.
348
00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:48,680
But how do so I, I guess what
I'm trying to say is like, I
349
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:52,760
don't know if the right action
is to, for us is to kind of
350
00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:55,720
throw the baby out with the
bathwater and not lean into
351
00:20:55,720 --> 00:21:00,720
community.
But it is I, I don't, I don't
352
00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:03,600
know exactly how.
I think we're just going to have
353
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:06,720
to take it a day at a time and
just recognize how to be more
354
00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:10,640
tolerant when our children are
coming home with other people's
355
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:14,280
energy.
Honestly, I'm thinking about how
356
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:19,920
we talk about shaking off other
people's energy because we've
357
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:25,520
always seen that as not the real
hunter, let's say, but maybe it
358
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:30,480
actually is the real hunter when
she is not with you and me, like
359
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:34,760
when she is with other people.
And we, it would be a great
360
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:39,000
opportunity or experiment for us
to kind of allow more of.
361
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:42,440
And what do we really mean when
we talk about other people's
362
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:44,440
energy?
We're talking about more
363
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:49,600
theatrical behavior, sometimes
more aggressive behavior.
364
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:54,720
What else?
There's just mannerisms and
365
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:57,400
sayings and tones and
intonations.
366
00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:00,000
Yeah, that's that's true.
And it's it's a lot of parroting
367
00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:03,360
of other.
But I wanna believe that she's
368
00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:06,640
not, that she's navigating, that
she's finding her way and that
369
00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:09,960
she's experimenting as opposed
to this becoming like, I think
370
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:13,400
you and I are really quick to
like that Sounds like name
371
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:15,920
insert ex friend.
It doesn't sound like you and
372
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,400
maybe, you know, our work to do
is to be a bit more tolerant of
373
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:22,240
that as she navigates, not we
really operating from a space of
374
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:26,680
trust and love as opposed to a
place of fear, worrying that
375
00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:30,600
she's, you know, not going to
uphold our values in some way.
376
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:34,080
I don't know.
I'm I'm, I'm wondering if this
377
00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:40,080
you belong here no matter what
is the right vibe like not that
378
00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:44,680
it's the wrong vibe, but is it
the right one because the you
379
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:47,120
needs to be defined a little bit
more.
380
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:50,200
I don't know, can we talk about
what these 8th graders said
381
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:52,840
about their homes?
Because I think that this is
382
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,360
what we really have to luck out
for.
383
00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:58,080
So, you know, we talked about
belonging versus fitting in, but
384
00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:01,160
then the things that they said
are also not belonging at school
385
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:04,320
is really hard, but it's nothing
compared to what it feels like
386
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:07,040
when you don't belong at home.
And then they give some
387
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:08,560
examples.
Different kids say different
388
00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:11,000
things.
Not living up to your parents
389
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:15,520
expectations.
Not being as cool or popular as
390
00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:20,000
your parents want you to be.
Not being good at the same
391
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:21,720
things your parents were good
at.
392
00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:26,320
Your parents being embarrassed
because you don't have enough
393
00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:29,600
friends or you're not an athlete
or a cheerleader.
394
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:36,880
Your parents not liking who you
are and what you like to do when
395
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:39,800
your parents don't pay attention
to your life.
396
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:44,840
Those are some really deep
wounds.
397
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:50,000
Really deep wounds.
And I think that we we brush up
398
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:54,080
against those honestly sometimes
in our in our drive to be
399
00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:57,920
intentional and create this
container that is our family
400
00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:01,360
culture.
I do think that we have been
401
00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:06,560
less tolerant of what shapes our
children outside of this family.
402
00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:11,560
Whoops.
Yeah, I'd agree.
403
00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:17,000
So what can we do?
Pause and be silent when they
404
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:21,280
express things that are clearly
not from the Newfeld household.
405
00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:27,160
I like the the saying of be a
scientist, not a sports fan.
406
00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:31,160
OK.
Where we're not necessarily
407
00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:34,080
rooting for an outcome here,
we're here to observe.
408
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:38,560
And when we have the data that
shows that something isn't
409
00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:42,320
working for us and our family,
we present that data as opposed
410
00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:47,640
to, you know, it's the same as
it's the same as we would with
411
00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:50,840
Maverick.
We redirect now and we correct
412
00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:55,960
later, right?
Like, we observe and write down
413
00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:59,000
what we're seeing, and then we
present our findings in a
414
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:01,240
discussion in.
A curious way.
415
00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:04,200
In a curious way.
Yeah, OK.
416
00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:06,880
What I'm thinking of is this
framework that I really like of
417
00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:10,480
awareness, acceptance, action.
So I think this conversation is
418
00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:13,440
giving me a new level of
awareness to kind of how
419
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:16,880
intolerant of differences we can
be.
420
00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:20,320
And I want to work on acceptance
there.
421
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:22,880
They say acceptance is the step
that typically takes the longest
422
00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:25,640
and I don't want to jump
straight to action, I guess like
423
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:29,520
that's my natural go to.
But I think it probably we've
424
00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:34,640
explored some today around why
we might want to foster this
425
00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:37,680
strong sense of belonging.
I think a lot of it really, I'm
426
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:39,440
kind of a blank slate.
I have to tell you.
427
00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:44,440
Like I, I don't really have that
many like memories around
428
00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:48,920
belonging in this age.
So I, I'm kind of, I'm allowing
429
00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:51,520
you to not allowing, I'm asking
you to take the lead.
430
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:53,720
And I do think that just
naturally, because I don't have
431
00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:56,600
a strong feeling on this topic,
which is shocking.
432
00:25:56,600 --> 00:26:00,040
I have strong feelings on
everything that I do think that
433
00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:05,040
your experiences have really
shaped the way that we think
434
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:07,400
about peers and people outside
this home.
435
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:12,520
Is that fair to say?
And so I think we have more
436
00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:16,720
awareness now on where that's
coming from and perhaps we can
437
00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:21,400
work to accept it in the sense
that like make peace with it, if
438
00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:23,000
you will.
And make sure kind of what Jen
439
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:25,320
was talking about and team
teammates the other day of just
440
00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:30,480
like, what is my stuff and what
is what my child is actually
441
00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:32,960
presenting.
And just make sure that we are
442
00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:36,720
working with the here and now
and what is actually being
443
00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:38,680
presented.
And that we work on our own
444
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:42,840
stuff separately, 'cause I do
think this is as Hunter is
445
00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:45,320
getting older, she's the oldest
and she's the one that getting
446
00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:48,440
older.
This is the time where you may
447
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:52,680
start to have a lot of feelings
about how she interacts with the
448
00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:56,080
world and then comes back home
to the family.
449
00:26:56,480 --> 00:27:00,960
Yeah, I'm just aware of the
relationship between
450
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:02,960
responsibilities and belonging
at home.
451
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:07,560
I feel like growing up, I didn't
have nearly as many
452
00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:10,200
responsibilities as Hunter does
at 7.
453
00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:13,200
I probably didn't have as many
at 17 as she does at 7.
454
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:17,800
And I think that the
responsibilities are a Canary in
455
00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:19,520
the coal mine.
They're directionally correct in
456
00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:23,560
terms of how well those are
getting managed versus the whole
457
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:25,280
of herself.
Do you want to talk about her
458
00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:27,160
responsibilities?
Just to be specific for the
459
00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:28,200
audience.
Yeah, sure.
460
00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:33,480
So today she's responsible for
taking the lead on making
461
00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:36,920
breakfast for her and her
brother and sister, for emptying
462
00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:40,240
the dishwasher, for getting
dressed, for cleaning up her
463
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:43,760
room, for making her bed, for
supervising her brother and
464
00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:46,680
sister's evening routine of
getting ready for bed.
465
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:49,520
What else?
Feeding Winston.
466
00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:53,920
Feeding Winston and and taking a
look at the daily checklist just
467
00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:57,600
to make sure that everybody is
on top of their tasks.
468
00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:02,960
I'm throwing in a couple of new
things as they show up for me
469
00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:07,480
because around her age, maybe a
little bit older, I wanted to
470
00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:14,120
have my own money and cash Today
is kind of silly to for a child
471
00:28:14,120 --> 00:28:16,920
to hold onto.
Easy to get lost, hard to keep
472
00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:20,560
track of.
So I got her a credit card and
473
00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:25,360
it's a easy thing to change the
setting in the Robin Hood credit
474
00:28:25,360 --> 00:28:28,760
card app to give her $63 that
she has 'cause.
475
00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:30,360
That's what she earned in her
pet.
476
00:28:30,440 --> 00:28:32,600
Care business 'cause that's what
she earned in her pet care
477
00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:38,120
business on that card and I want
to keep giving her these little
478
00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:42,280
responsibilities that show that
we trust her, but also that give
479
00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:46,000
us the ability to monitor and
make sure that that trust is
480
00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:49,520
deserved, right.
So like, I'm a big proponent of
481
00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:51,960
what Uber's doing with their
Uber teen accounts.
482
00:28:52,320 --> 00:28:54,360
Like she'll be the first to have
it of her friends.
483
00:28:55,360 --> 00:29:00,360
I just want for our kids to know
that they belong and that those
484
00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:04,040
responsibilities that they have
are not just to us, but to
485
00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:07,120
themselves.
Because if we see some of those
486
00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:11,120
going, I do believe that's a
sign of a bigger problem.
487
00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:14,360
Absolutely.
It is like there are days when
488
00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:17,360
she resists her chores there,
There are days when she is
489
00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:21,240
joyful about her chores and she
goes about them like Cinderella,
490
00:29:21,800 --> 00:29:24,400
and then there are days where
she kicks and screams against
491
00:29:24,440 --> 00:29:25,080
them.
They all do.
492
00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:27,400
They all do.
I mean, Maverick in particular,
493
00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:29,400
he has like just a few chores to
do.
494
00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:33,680
And many times I actually think
it's too few because he really
495
00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:36,640
fights against them.
And that really says a lot about
496
00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:40,240
what is going on in his brain as
opposed to the actual putting
497
00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:41,680
the plates in the dishwasher.
Yeah.
498
00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:46,600
So we've talked a lot about
belonging and what I'm really
499
00:29:47,400 --> 00:29:50,960
what I'm cautious of is in order
for it to be true belonging, I
500
00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:53,560
think we might need to be a
little bit less strict with our
501
00:29:53,560 --> 00:29:57,920
definitions of what it means to
be a part of this family.
502
00:29:58,680 --> 00:30:00,920
Because I do believe that the
most important thing about
503
00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:05,320
belonging is that we have to
belong to ourselves as much as
504
00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:10,760
we need to belong to others.
And so I want us to caution
505
00:30:10,760 --> 00:30:14,560
ourselves against this idea that
we've created such a strong
506
00:30:14,560 --> 00:30:16,640
culture between the two of us
'cause you and I are very
507
00:30:16,640 --> 00:30:20,880
simpatico that the children have
to fit in and adhere to our
508
00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:24,440
expectations in order to belong
in this family.
509
00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:28,840
Yeah, belonging should be a
dialogue about what it means to
510
00:30:28,840 --> 00:30:31,280
belong.
It's not our way or the highway.
511
00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:36,200
We have a lot of grounded
believability when it comes to
512
00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:40,080
certain topics, but I don't know
what's going on in the school
513
00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:44,960
and I don't know what is going
to happen as our kids enter
514
00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:49,440
those formative years.
But I want to know and I didn't
515
00:30:49,440 --> 00:30:51,000
tell my parents what was going
on.
516
00:30:51,560 --> 00:30:53,960
I'm raising my hand 'cause I
have AI have a burning desire
517
00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:56,520
over here.
Please family stories, can you
518
00:30:56,760 --> 00:31:01,440
like proactively just like start
telling them about what you
519
00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:05,240
experienced in adolescence and
pre adolescence 'cause this
520
00:31:05,240 --> 00:31:07,280
would be a great way to kind of
get ahead of it and like name
521
00:31:07,280 --> 00:31:09,600
your fears in through story.
Absolutely.
522
00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:12,760
And just share kind of what you
understand what I'm saying,
523
00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:17,960
share your experience and kind
of how you felt and maybe what
524
00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:22,000
you would do differently or just
what happened and what it means
525
00:31:22,000 --> 00:31:23,880
to you, right for my family
stories episode.
526
00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:25,040
So don't just share what
happened.
527
00:31:25,280 --> 00:31:30,160
Share the meaning behind it.
And that is, I think a great way
528
00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:35,120
to make the implicit explicit
and name this this tension, this
529
00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:37,720
fear that you have about our
children.
530
00:31:37,720 --> 00:31:40,640
I mean, I share too, but that
really comes up for you about
531
00:31:40,640 --> 00:31:42,240
how our children are going to
navigate.
532
00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:45,480
Yeah, inside and outside of this
family.
533
00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:49,480
Yeah, either that or I'm going
to dress up like Steve Buscemi
534
00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:53,680
did in 30 Rock and show up at
high school and be like, hey,
535
00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:55,560
kids.
Oh my God, no.
536
00:31:56,880 --> 00:31:58,080
Just talked.
Just talk.
537
00:31:58,360 --> 00:32:00,600
Just just talk to our kids.
Yeah.
538
00:32:01,640 --> 00:32:03,400
OK.
I think it's a lot, it's a lot
539
00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:08,280
of stuff.
It's AI feel seen in a well,
540
00:32:08,280 --> 00:32:12,120
like uncomfortable, Yeah, and I
feel seen in a there's some work
541
00:32:12,120 --> 00:32:14,080
to do here kind of way me.
Too.
542
00:32:14,520 --> 00:32:16,400
Which is good.
Which is.
543
00:32:16,800 --> 00:32:19,400
Progress.
Which is progress.
544
00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:20,200
Yeah.
OK.
545
00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:21,760
All right.
Belonging.
546
00:32:22,520 --> 00:32:25,200
I'm grateful that you have
always made me feel like I
547
00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:27,360
belong.
Right back at you.
548
00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:30,960
Now we have to figure out how to
make sure that the new Fetos
549
00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:33,080
feel that way as well.
Indeed.
550
00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:34,960
Great love you goosey love.
You goosey.
551
00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:40,720
Hey guys, if you're still here,
you're definitely our kind of
552
00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:42,880
person.
Thanks for spending this time
553
00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:44,480
with us on The Most Important
Thing.
554
00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:48,400
If this episode resonated with
you, we'd love for you to follow
555
00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:50,800
us wherever you get your
podcasts and share it with
556
00:32:50,800 --> 00:32:52,560
someone else.
Building family culture on
557
00:32:52,560 --> 00:32:53,080
purpose.
00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:01,600
Welcome to The Most Important
Thing.
2
00:00:01,720 --> 00:00:04,600
I'm Danielle DeMarco Neufeld.
And I'm Greg Neufeld, and
3
00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:07,360
together we're exploring how
ambitious busy families can
4
00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:10,360
build culture at home.
Because after all, family is the
5
00:00:10,360 --> 00:00:14,160
most important thing.
Hi everybody, and welcome back
6
00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:19,720
to episode 19 on belonging.
We are continuing with our
7
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:22,800
wholehearted parenting
manifesto, which I'm sure you
8
00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:27,040
know by now.
And the line today is we will
9
00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:29,920
always have permission to be
ourselves with each other.
10
00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:33,320
No matter what, you will always
belong here.
11
00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:37,600
Belonging is a real tough
cookie.
12
00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:40,720
OK.
It's like the most important
13
00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:45,280
thing and yet so hard to nail
down, I think, and to really
14
00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:49,560
feel right in Maslow's hierarchy
of needs, it's the very bottom
15
00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:51,960
of the pyramid.
Love and belonging is like the
16
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:54,640
base need of human, of the human
condition.
17
00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:58,160
Yeah, and there's lots of
different types of belonging,
18
00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:01,360
right?
Brene, who, you know, she's a
19
00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:05,680
shame researcher, but I think
the belonging is inextricably
20
00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:07,920
linked to the shame in the human
experience.
21
00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:13,320
And so she says we have to
belong to ourselves as much as
22
00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:16,840
we need to belong to others.
When I read that, I was thinking
23
00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:20,000
about you.
And so we've touched upon the
24
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:24,680
idea that you are a four on the
Enneagram, which is defined as
25
00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:28,760
the terminally unique.
And like most personality tests,
26
00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:31,800
the Enneagram is not everything.
But I do think it's a pretty
27
00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,840
informative.
Before that I would have called
28
00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:38,960
myself maybe a chameleon.
OK, so I agree with the
29
00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:43,280
assessment that I I do feel
terminally unique and through my
30
00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:48,480
whole life I have done a lot of
intentional work to blend in
31
00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:51,000
wherever my surroundings brought
me.
32
00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:52,960
Interesting.
Yeah.
33
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:55,920
Because you know, in Brene
Brown's Atlas of the Heart, she
34
00:01:55,920 --> 00:02:00,840
has this great illustration that
comes from one of her times
35
00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:05,000
speaking with 8th graders about
fitting in versus belonging.
36
00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:09,759
And they gave some beautiful
definitions, if I will, if you
37
00:02:09,759 --> 00:02:12,480
don't mind if I go through them
and maybe maybe you can talk
38
00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:15,680
about some of them resonating or
not with you.
39
00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:19,720
So the first says belonging is
being somewhere where you want
40
00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:24,480
to be and they want you versus
fitting in as being somewhere
41
00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:27,480
you want to be, but they don't
care one way or another.
42
00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:34,400
That really hits home.
Yeah, I I would have never, I
43
00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:37,280
would have thought the two were
interchangeable and that
44
00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:42,040
definition just.
I don't know if this is hitting
45
00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:44,720
any of you as hard as it's
hitting us, but like, that is
46
00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:46,720
high school in a nutshell for
me.
47
00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:50,000
Yeah.
This whole middle.
48
00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:51,280
School.
Elementary school.
49
00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:55,960
Being somewhere you want to be,
but they don't care one way or
50
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:59,960
another.
Oh, that is something.
51
00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:05,520
This is a very profoundly wise
13 year old.
52
00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:07,600
I'd said that.
Can I give you some of the other
53
00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:10,560
ones?
Belonging is being accepted for
54
00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:13,040
you.
Fitting in is being accepted for
55
00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:15,800
being like everyone else.
Yep.
56
00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:21,400
And then the third one says, if
I get to be me, I belong.
57
00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:24,800
If I have to be like you, I fit
in.
58
00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:33,120
I think that one is the one that
is most directly applicable to
59
00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:36,800
our family and maybe to all
family cultures, which is this
60
00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:42,960
how to have a strong family
culture and value system of this
61
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:44,960
is what it means to be a new
Feld.
62
00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:50,120
This is what it means to be part
of our family while still making
63
00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:55,000
space for everyone's individual
preferences and idiosyncrasies,
64
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:58,440
and making sure that they know
that they will always belong in
65
00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:01,520
this family and they don't need
to fit in.
66
00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:06,320
Absolutely.
I hope that we're modeling that
67
00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:10,600
for them.
I think the trickier 1 is how to
68
00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:13,920
model belonging in the broader
sense.
69
00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:16,839
Yeah, but let's stay in the
family for a.
70
00:04:17,079 --> 00:04:19,880
Little bit.
So if we if we stay within the
71
00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:24,280
family, because I don't know if
it's really the trickier one,
72
00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:28,000
because we have really like the
first eight episodes of this
73
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:33,840
podcast have really given us a
foundation for creating routines
74
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:36,960
and rituals that set family
culture, family meetings, family
75
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:40,120
meals, family movement,
etcetera, right.
76
00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:43,440
That it really defines what to
belong to.
77
00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:47,560
Yes, and making space to for
everyone to show up.
78
00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:52,640
And I do think that our children
really like being Neufelds right
79
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,600
now.
Like Jayden Hunter and I spoke
80
00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:57,920
about this on our walk yesterday
and they Hunter even said, you
81
00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,080
know, another thing we could do
is we could all take family
82
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,680
walks together.
Like they really like being a
83
00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:06,440
part of our family.
And so, so far, I think we're
84
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:10,480
doing OK, but they're going to
grow.
85
00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:14,320
And I, I do there's this idea, I
guess it's a young Yan idea as
86
00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:18,640
well called individuation, which
is really separating from your,
87
00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:20,200
from your family, from your
parents.
88
00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:25,280
And it is a lifelong process,
but obviously it shows up in
89
00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:29,720
adolescence most strongly.
And so I think part of this is
90
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:31,280
trying.
We are obviously we have a bunch
91
00:05:31,280 --> 00:05:33,480
of pre adolescence in our
family.
92
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:40,160
We are not quite there yet, but
creating this spaciousness for
93
00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:44,000
healthy individuation is
something that I would really
94
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:50,000
like to create practices sooner
rather than later.
95
00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:55,320
And so when I was looking in the
research as far as what that is,
96
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:58,120
and you know, it really is a
continuation of the way that we
97
00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:00,560
are that we parented our
toddlers and that we still do
98
00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:02,480
today with with a lot of
autonomy.
99
00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:05,840
So, you know, do you want to
wear the blue shirt or the red
100
00:06:05,840 --> 00:06:07,640
shirt?
Do you want to go to the
101
00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:10,000
bathroom and then brush your
teeth or brush your teeth and
102
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:13,240
then go to the bathroom kind of
thing like building just a
103
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:16,440
continuation of that.
Everything from those tiny micro
104
00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:21,480
choices up to, you know, yes,
you can go to that party, but
105
00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:24,520
please call me when you get
there or please text me when you
106
00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:28,560
get there, Right.
And so thinking about, I feel
107
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:32,840
like there's a lot of literature
out there about how to give
108
00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:37,480
children autonomy zero to three
at least I certainly have
109
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:40,200
experienced have been immersed
in that literature.
110
00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:48,040
I don't know how much there
really is about 3 to preteen.
111
00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:52,120
Dr. Becky comes to mind as
someone who can help you with
112
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:56,240
skill building, but that still I
don't.
113
00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:59,160
I mean, I love Doctor Becky, but
I'm not sure that that still, at
114
00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:05,280
least for me, is giving me
enough of a framework for how to
115
00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:08,240
allow them to take steps in
individuation and what I'm
116
00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:12,000
supposed to do to support that
while still maintaining some
117
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:15,040
level of authority as the
parent.
118
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Yeah.
Is the individuation component
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and the lack of resources that
you speak of, is that something
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that is currently showing up
right now where you're looking
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for something proactively
because you're noticing
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something maybe in Hunter and
even Jade as they spend more
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time with friends and pick up
idiosyncratic personality
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characteristics.
I think that's what you pick up.
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Absolutely.
Yeah.
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I just noticed the gap like I, I
don't feel maybe some of our
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listeners can help me with some
guidance because I love a good
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book, right?
And I love a good framework
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around, you know, let's call it
ages 3 to 10.
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If I think that there's, you
know, Heimgennot and Magda
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Gerber and a ton of different
books around kind of the
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toddler, like zero to three
years and how to foster autonomy
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and respect for the individual.
And then I'm already learning
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about things in adolescence.
Like Doctor Lisa Damore comes up
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as someone who is really
focused.
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And I think we we talked about
her in our fear episode as well
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as someone who really is help
helping to manage this idea that
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kids don't need to be happy all
the time, but they do need to
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feel anchored.
But what's in between?
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I think that you, you did
mention friendships and you
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know, let's call it drop off
play dates.
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Yeah, I think the concern for me
is, and this is definitely some
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projection here, I growing up I
did one thing with my family and
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another thing with my friends.
And let's say, you know, we
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didn't have a family culture
practice the way that we do here
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in the Neufeld household.
But I could see the culture
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stopping as soon as our child
hits the playground and then
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comes home and acts one way, a
chameleon, so to speak.
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And isn't upholding the culture
and values in order to fit it.
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Like that's, that's the worry
that I would would have for our
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children.
OK.
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Can you, can you be more
specific like from your
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experience perhaps?
Sure.
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So if a friend of one of our
children is lying or stealing
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or, you know, doing something to
get attention and our child
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thinks that's pretty cool and
they start lying or stealing or
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cheating in school to befriend
that person.
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That doesn't mean that they
believe that those things are
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necessarily good or in line with
their values.
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But they might overweight the
importance of that friendship in
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order to gain trust of that
person versus sticking within
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the guidelines of being noble
and, you know, unbothered and
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really determined to be their
best self in the Newfeld way.
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And that's my fear is that they
show up at school in one way in
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order to gain friends and win
friends and influence people.
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And then they come home and they
are still active, willing
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participants in the Newfeld
family culture.
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But it doesn't carry over.
Where do you think that fear
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comes from?
From me doing it.
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OK, Can you talk a little bit
about that fear then 'cause
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it's, it's funny, like I'll just
tell you that I, I think this
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goes back to this like rebel and
upholder thing too, that like I,
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well, maybe not, I don't know.
I can just tell you that that is
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not something I think I fell
into much as a child.
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Sure.
So let's just use these two
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terms, fitting in and belonging,
OK?
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Fitting in and belonging feel
very similar as a child or felt
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very similar as a child to me.
Even though now listening to
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that definition, I was like,
wow, I was not belonging.
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I was just fitting in.
And the person that was driving
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that negative culture in my
friend group that I was trying
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to follow couldn't have cared
less whether or not I was a
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participant or not.
I cared.
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And so I thought that I was
belonging at home.
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I felt like I was belonging
already.
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And So what work do I need to do
to put in here?
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I belong here.
I don't belong there.
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I need to do the work to belong
over there.
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That's what I think a lot of
children are faced with when
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they have to choose between
eating lunch alone or eating
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lunch with a group of peers that
they don't necessarily see
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themselves as being aligned with
socially.
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Like hey, I can I can be a a
good person and eat at the
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loser's table where I can be a
bad person and eat with the cool
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kids.
That's like really black and
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white.
Is that really how you felt?
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00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:47,400
100%.
Interesting.
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00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:49,960
I mean, it's it, it wasn't just
how I felt.
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It's it's how it was.
Yeah.
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I guess question for you.
So though those kids at the cool
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table, do you think that any of
them would say that they really
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felt that they belonged in high
school with their peer group or,
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or even in middle school?
Or do you think that everybody
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I, I don't know.
Oh I I I truly think that this
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goes back to not feeling like
they belonged at home.
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Oh.
So it's a point of view that I
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have no perspective on because I
always felt like I belonged at
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home.
But when I hear stories of
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00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:27,840
entrepreneurs that were shunned
by their father, you know, who
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had a drinking problem or a
gambling problem or, you know,
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left the family or had a second
family, this idea of chips on
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00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:38,600
shoulders put chips in pockets,
I think coined by Josh Wolf.
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00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:43,440
It, it really rings true to me.
I don't have any experience with
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00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:44,960
that.
That was not me.
215
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:47,400
Interesting.
But I do believe that some of
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those stories were mirrors of
the kids that I spent time with
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at the cool kids table.
Yeah, OK.
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Yeah, because the second part of
Brene Brown's, you know, 8th
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00:12:57,080 --> 00:13:01,480
grader post it note illustration
is all about not belonging at
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home.
And so I'd love to read you some
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of these because I think these
are, you know, we're actively
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making space for family culture
right now.
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But I do think that these are
telling potential blind spots
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and something that we should
that we could look out for.
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So let me let.
Me and and by the way, before
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you do that, remember that
anyone who's not belonging at
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home is going to try to find
belonging somewhere, right
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because.
It's a foundational need.
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Because it's a foundational
need.
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00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:33,240
And so the fear that I have for
our children is that that
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becomes attractive just as as
much as it was attractive to me.
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And that they don't have tools
for integrating, for bringing
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that back to us and saying, hey,
I really think that this is an
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interesting perspective on life.
And don't tell me that this
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person's bad because I want to
be their friend, but do tell me
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how I can go to sleep at night
and uphold the Neufeld family
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values while also seeing and
exploring this perspective that
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00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:05,560
this person has on life that is
new and interesting and
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00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:08,080
different and and kind of
attractive to me.
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00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:12,040
And I didn't have that.
I had a black and white.
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00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:15,720
It was like, OK, you can be
friends with that person, but
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that's a bad kid.
Yeah, and I fear that we may
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pass that along.
Bingo.
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00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:27,360
I think that the flip side of
having such an intentional
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00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:31,920
family culture is that we may
create walls and that, you know,
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00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:35,400
may look like walls with
extended family or other
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00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:38,720
families in the neighborhood,
but it also may look like walls
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00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:42,000
that our children, when they
want to spend time with peers,
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feel like they can't come back
inside of.
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00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:48,160
And so I think our work to do
and we have time.
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Our kids are 7, five and three.
We have we have time.
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They still look up to us and
think everything that we say is
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great for the most part.
But this is this is kind of the
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00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:58,960
stuff that I've been, I think
beating around the Bush about
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00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:02,160
now that I'm thinking about some
of my worries.
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And it's what's rubbing off on
our kids elsewhere that they're
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bringing into the home that
right now we can correct and
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they understand.
And giving giving them some
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space from it allows them to
reintegrate, but as they get
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older they don't want to correct
those things.
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00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:19,560
Yeah.
I think that we've been a bit
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critical around like, oh, you're
at this camp and when you come
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00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:28,320
home, you need to shake off that
energy because that energy is
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00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:30,960
not acceptable in our home,
right.
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00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:35,480
So, yeah, I think that we have
some work to do here because we
266
00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:40,080
are very frequently saying
things like you need to shake
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off that energy from camp
because you're hanging around
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with kids that are more fill in
the blank than you and that's
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not how you behave.
So you need to come back and be
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Hunter and be part of the
Neufeld family, right?
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00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:59,400
And so that's already we're it's
like a we're giving her no space
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00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:01,680
to integrate things from
outside.
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And here, on the one hand, we're
saying that we want family as a
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00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:08,960
democracy and we want to be able
to set the culture as a family
275
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of five individuals.
But on the other hand, when our
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00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:15,400
kids are going out and exploring
other energies, let's just say
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we are not receptive to it
coming back so far.
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And I think we need to change
that.
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00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:23,040
Yeah.
And in conversations with
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friends that have older kids,
you know, I've been trying to
281
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:30,120
put myself in the kids shoes
when I'm listening to the parent
282
00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:33,360
talk about some of the some of
the firm rules that they put
283
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:36,920
around topics that I think are
were put around me and that I
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evaded seamlessly, right.
It's so interesting because when
285
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you talk to your friends you put
yourself in the kids seat
286
00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:46,960
exactly, but then somehow you
become your parent when it's our
287
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:48,200
kids at home.
Totally.
288
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:52,320
And so I see this as a blind
spot and I don't want history to
289
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:56,400
repeat itself where we have a
wonderful family culture and one
290
00:16:56,400 --> 00:17:00,840
of our children, probably one or
two, not all three in this case.
291
00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:03,840
But I do think that we're at
risk of one or two of our kids
292
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for sure to repeat exactly the
same behavior that I did.
293
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:12,000
And more importantly, for us to
repeat the same behavior that my
294
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parents did, which was to not
ignore it, but almost like act
295
00:17:18,319 --> 00:17:21,319
as if it was a phase or just say
you need to shake off that
296
00:17:21,319 --> 00:17:25,880
energy or just, you know, try to
try to pull me back in when the
297
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:29,520
school year was over.
So some work to do.
298
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:32,640
Here, absolutely.
So what I am hearing is that
299
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there's something here wrapped
up in belonging about tolerance,
300
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and I think that we could work
on accepting differences while
301
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still maintaining connection.
Definitely.
302
00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:51,760
And yeah, I think that that's
part of our work to do with our
303
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bridges from this island.
To continue the metaphor, 'cause
304
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it's, you know, it's within our
community, it's within our
305
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extended family.
Because we were talking to a
306
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:04,120
friend the other day and he said
something that really made me
307
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:06,360
think.
And he said, you know, we're so
308
00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:09,400
intentional about creating our
family culture that it is
309
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:13,400
creating my words like knock on
effects within our extended
310
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family and, you know, maybe
changing, like changing the
311
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boundaries in the way that we
that we interact with them.
312
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:24,160
But a thing that we think about
a lot is what are we ultimately
313
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teaching our children about how
to tolerate differences if we
314
00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:35,200
kind of keep ourselves in a
bubble and don't allow
315
00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:38,720
connection to people that have
different values than we do?
316
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:43,800
And that really hit me because I
think that, you know, boundaries
317
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:48,640
are important to keep ourselves
safe and connected, but there
318
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:53,600
are often opportunities to
practice tolerance of
319
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:56,400
differences in other people that
are perfectly safe, differences
320
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,760
that we can accept.
And to really, I guess this
321
00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:02,920
comes back to making the
implicit explicit again, and to
322
00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:08,000
look for opportunities to talk
about differences that we do
323
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:12,800
observe and and can tolerate and
still feel safe.
324
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:18,160
Yeah, I've, I've always gone to
this like being grateful for the
325
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:22,000
global society that our kids are
growing up in where you and I
326
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:27,440
have access to resources and
connections and people and we're
327
00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:31,240
just relatively resourceful
ourselves at finding more like
328
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:34,480
minded folks.
Like Hunter going to theater
329
00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:38,000
camp is an amazing exploration
for her.
330
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:42,720
How do I had a broader horizon
where didn't necessarily need to
331
00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:48,080
associate with the same 110 kids
for my entire K through 12
332
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:50,680
school?
Like maybe I would have leaned
333
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:53,480
into some of those things as
opposed to pull pulling back.
334
00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:56,880
Like I definitely pulled back
academically.
335
00:19:57,280 --> 00:20:00,800
I definitely pulled back in in
extracurriculars.
336
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:05,480
I definitely tried to play
sports that I had no business or
337
00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:08,720
no interest in playing.
It's just one of those things.
338
00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:11,400
And like, I just think the world
is so much bigger as opposed to
339
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:14,560
us having to deal with basically
the bullying that comes out of
340
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:19,200
small town politics.
Just expand the horizons and go
341
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:22,400
where it's warm.
OK, so how do you make that
342
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:27,200
actionable though, Like because
a lot of people do live in.
343
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:29,800
I mean, there's Jenny who like
gets to live half the year in
344
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:33,080
Rome, which is amazing and I
think a real bonus for her kids,
345
00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:35,200
as we talked about on the team
at teammates episode.
346
00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:39,520
But I do think most of us spend
12 months of the year in one
347
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:44,200
area in community and there's a
lot of benefits to community.
348
00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:48,680
But how do so I, I guess what
I'm trying to say is like, I
349
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:52,760
don't know if the right action
is to, for us is to kind of
350
00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:55,720
throw the baby out with the
bathwater and not lean into
351
00:20:55,720 --> 00:21:00,720
community.
But it is I, I don't, I don't
352
00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:03,600
know exactly how.
I think we're just going to have
353
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:06,720
to take it a day at a time and
just recognize how to be more
354
00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:10,640
tolerant when our children are
coming home with other people's
355
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:14,280
energy.
Honestly, I'm thinking about how
356
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:19,920
we talk about shaking off other
people's energy because we've
357
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:25,520
always seen that as not the real
hunter, let's say, but maybe it
358
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:30,480
actually is the real hunter when
she is not with you and me, like
359
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:34,760
when she is with other people.
And we, it would be a great
360
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:39,000
opportunity or experiment for us
to kind of allow more of.
361
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:42,440
And what do we really mean when
we talk about other people's
362
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:44,440
energy?
We're talking about more
363
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:49,600
theatrical behavior, sometimes
more aggressive behavior.
364
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:54,720
What else?
There's just mannerisms and
365
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:57,400
sayings and tones and
intonations.
366
00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:00,000
Yeah, that's that's true.
And it's it's a lot of parroting
367
00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:03,360
of other.
But I wanna believe that she's
368
00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:06,640
not, that she's navigating, that
she's finding her way and that
369
00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:09,960
she's experimenting as opposed
to this becoming like, I think
370
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:13,400
you and I are really quick to
like that Sounds like name
371
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:15,920
insert ex friend.
It doesn't sound like you and
372
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,400
maybe, you know, our work to do
is to be a bit more tolerant of
373
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:22,240
that as she navigates, not we
really operating from a space of
374
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:26,680
trust and love as opposed to a
place of fear, worrying that
375
00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:30,600
she's, you know, not going to
uphold our values in some way.
376
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:34,080
I don't know.
I'm I'm, I'm wondering if this
377
00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:40,080
you belong here no matter what
is the right vibe like not that
378
00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:44,680
it's the wrong vibe, but is it
the right one because the you
379
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:47,120
needs to be defined a little bit
more.
380
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:50,200
I don't know, can we talk about
what these 8th graders said
381
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:52,840
about their homes?
Because I think that this is
382
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,360
what we really have to luck out
for.
383
00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:58,080
So, you know, we talked about
belonging versus fitting in, but
384
00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:01,160
then the things that they said
are also not belonging at school
385
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:04,320
is really hard, but it's nothing
compared to what it feels like
386
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:07,040
when you don't belong at home.
And then they give some
387
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:08,560
examples.
Different kids say different
388
00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:11,000
things.
Not living up to your parents
389
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:15,520
expectations.
Not being as cool or popular as
390
00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:20,000
your parents want you to be.
Not being good at the same
391
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:21,720
things your parents were good
at.
392
00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:26,320
Your parents being embarrassed
because you don't have enough
393
00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:29,600
friends or you're not an athlete
or a cheerleader.
394
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:36,880
Your parents not liking who you
are and what you like to do when
395
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:39,800
your parents don't pay attention
to your life.
396
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:44,840
Those are some really deep
wounds.
397
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:50,000
Really deep wounds.
And I think that we we brush up
398
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:54,080
against those honestly sometimes
in our in our drive to be
399
00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:57,920
intentional and create this
container that is our family
400
00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:01,360
culture.
I do think that we have been
401
00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:06,560
less tolerant of what shapes our
children outside of this family.
402
00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:11,560
Whoops.
Yeah, I'd agree.
403
00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:17,000
So what can we do?
Pause and be silent when they
404
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:21,280
express things that are clearly
not from the Newfeld household.
405
00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:27,160
I like the the saying of be a
scientist, not a sports fan.
406
00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:31,160
OK.
Where we're not necessarily
407
00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:34,080
rooting for an outcome here,
we're here to observe.
408
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:38,560
And when we have the data that
shows that something isn't
409
00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:42,320
working for us and our family,
we present that data as opposed
410
00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:47,640
to, you know, it's the same as
it's the same as we would with
411
00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:50,840
Maverick.
We redirect now and we correct
412
00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:55,960
later, right?
Like, we observe and write down
413
00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:59,000
what we're seeing, and then we
present our findings in a
414
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:01,240
discussion in.
A curious way.
415
00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:04,200
In a curious way.
Yeah, OK.
416
00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:06,880
What I'm thinking of is this
framework that I really like of
417
00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:10,480
awareness, acceptance, action.
So I think this conversation is
418
00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:13,440
giving me a new level of
awareness to kind of how
419
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:16,880
intolerant of differences we can
be.
420
00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:20,320
And I want to work on acceptance
there.
421
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:22,880
They say acceptance is the step
that typically takes the longest
422
00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:25,640
and I don't want to jump
straight to action, I guess like
423
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:29,520
that's my natural go to.
But I think it probably we've
424
00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:34,640
explored some today around why
we might want to foster this
425
00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:37,680
strong sense of belonging.
I think a lot of it really, I'm
426
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:39,440
kind of a blank slate.
I have to tell you.
427
00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:44,440
Like I, I don't really have that
many like memories around
428
00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:48,920
belonging in this age.
So I, I'm kind of, I'm allowing
429
00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:51,520
you to not allowing, I'm asking
you to take the lead.
430
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:53,720
And I do think that just
naturally, because I don't have
431
00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:56,600
a strong feeling on this topic,
which is shocking.
432
00:25:56,600 --> 00:26:00,040
I have strong feelings on
everything that I do think that
433
00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:05,040
your experiences have really
shaped the way that we think
434
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:07,400
about peers and people outside
this home.
435
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:12,520
Is that fair to say?
And so I think we have more
436
00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:16,720
awareness now on where that's
coming from and perhaps we can
437
00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:21,400
work to accept it in the sense
that like make peace with it, if
438
00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:23,000
you will.
And make sure kind of what Jen
439
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:25,320
was talking about and team
teammates the other day of just
440
00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:30,480
like, what is my stuff and what
is what my child is actually
441
00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:32,960
presenting.
And just make sure that we are
442
00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:36,720
working with the here and now
and what is actually being
443
00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:38,680
presented.
And that we work on our own
444
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:42,840
stuff separately, 'cause I do
think this is as Hunter is
445
00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:45,320
getting older, she's the oldest
and she's the one that getting
446
00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:48,440
older.
This is the time where you may
447
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:52,680
start to have a lot of feelings
about how she interacts with the
448
00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:56,080
world and then comes back home
to the family.
449
00:26:56,480 --> 00:27:00,960
Yeah, I'm just aware of the
relationship between
450
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:02,960
responsibilities and belonging
at home.
451
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:07,560
I feel like growing up, I didn't
have nearly as many
452
00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:10,200
responsibilities as Hunter does
at 7.
453
00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:13,200
I probably didn't have as many
at 17 as she does at 7.
454
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:17,800
And I think that the
responsibilities are a Canary in
455
00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:19,520
the coal mine.
They're directionally correct in
456
00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:23,560
terms of how well those are
getting managed versus the whole
457
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:25,280
of herself.
Do you want to talk about her
458
00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:27,160
responsibilities?
Just to be specific for the
459
00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:28,200
audience.
Yeah, sure.
460
00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:33,480
So today she's responsible for
taking the lead on making
461
00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:36,920
breakfast for her and her
brother and sister, for emptying
462
00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:40,240
the dishwasher, for getting
dressed, for cleaning up her
463
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:43,760
room, for making her bed, for
supervising her brother and
464
00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:46,680
sister's evening routine of
getting ready for bed.
465
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:49,520
What else?
Feeding Winston.
466
00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:53,920
Feeding Winston and and taking a
look at the daily checklist just
467
00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:57,600
to make sure that everybody is
on top of their tasks.
468
00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:02,960
I'm throwing in a couple of new
things as they show up for me
469
00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:07,480
because around her age, maybe a
little bit older, I wanted to
470
00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:14,120
have my own money and cash Today
is kind of silly to for a child
471
00:28:14,120 --> 00:28:16,920
to hold onto.
Easy to get lost, hard to keep
472
00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:20,560
track of.
So I got her a credit card and
473
00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:25,360
it's a easy thing to change the
setting in the Robin Hood credit
474
00:28:25,360 --> 00:28:28,760
card app to give her $63 that
she has 'cause.
475
00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:30,360
That's what she earned in her
pet.
476
00:28:30,440 --> 00:28:32,600
Care business 'cause that's what
she earned in her pet care
477
00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:38,120
business on that card and I want
to keep giving her these little
478
00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:42,280
responsibilities that show that
we trust her, but also that give
479
00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:46,000
us the ability to monitor and
make sure that that trust is
480
00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:49,520
deserved, right.
So like, I'm a big proponent of
481
00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:51,960
what Uber's doing with their
Uber teen accounts.
482
00:28:52,320 --> 00:28:54,360
Like she'll be the first to have
it of her friends.
483
00:28:55,360 --> 00:29:00,360
I just want for our kids to know
that they belong and that those
484
00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:04,040
responsibilities that they have
are not just to us, but to
485
00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:07,120
themselves.
Because if we see some of those
486
00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:11,120
going, I do believe that's a
sign of a bigger problem.
487
00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:14,360
Absolutely.
It is like there are days when
488
00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:17,360
she resists her chores there,
There are days when she is
489
00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:21,240
joyful about her chores and she
goes about them like Cinderella,
490
00:29:21,800 --> 00:29:24,400
and then there are days where
she kicks and screams against
491
00:29:24,440 --> 00:29:25,080
them.
They all do.
492
00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:27,400
They all do.
I mean, Maverick in particular,
493
00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:29,400
he has like just a few chores to
do.
494
00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:33,680
And many times I actually think
it's too few because he really
495
00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:36,640
fights against them.
And that really says a lot about
496
00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:40,240
what is going on in his brain as
opposed to the actual putting
497
00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:41,680
the plates in the dishwasher.
Yeah.
498
00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:46,600
So we've talked a lot about
belonging and what I'm really
499
00:29:47,400 --> 00:29:50,960
what I'm cautious of is in order
for it to be true belonging, I
500
00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:53,560
think we might need to be a
little bit less strict with our
501
00:29:53,560 --> 00:29:57,920
definitions of what it means to
be a part of this family.
502
00:29:58,680 --> 00:30:00,920
Because I do believe that the
most important thing about
503
00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:05,320
belonging is that we have to
belong to ourselves as much as
504
00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:10,760
we need to belong to others.
And so I want us to caution
505
00:30:10,760 --> 00:30:14,560
ourselves against this idea that
we've created such a strong
506
00:30:14,560 --> 00:30:16,640
culture between the two of us
'cause you and I are very
507
00:30:16,640 --> 00:30:20,880
simpatico that the children have
to fit in and adhere to our
508
00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:24,440
expectations in order to belong
in this family.
509
00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:28,840
Yeah, belonging should be a
dialogue about what it means to
510
00:30:28,840 --> 00:30:31,280
belong.
It's not our way or the highway.
511
00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:36,200
We have a lot of grounded
believability when it comes to
512
00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:40,080
certain topics, but I don't know
what's going on in the school
513
00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:44,960
and I don't know what is going
to happen as our kids enter
514
00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:49,440
those formative years.
But I want to know and I didn't
515
00:30:49,440 --> 00:30:51,000
tell my parents what was going
on.
516
00:30:51,560 --> 00:30:53,960
I'm raising my hand 'cause I
have AI have a burning desire
517
00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:56,520
over here.
Please family stories, can you
518
00:30:56,760 --> 00:31:01,440
like proactively just like start
telling them about what you
519
00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:05,240
experienced in adolescence and
pre adolescence 'cause this
520
00:31:05,240 --> 00:31:07,280
would be a great way to kind of
get ahead of it and like name
521
00:31:07,280 --> 00:31:09,600
your fears in through story.
Absolutely.
522
00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:12,760
And just share kind of what you
understand what I'm saying,
523
00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:17,960
share your experience and kind
of how you felt and maybe what
524
00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:22,000
you would do differently or just
what happened and what it means
525
00:31:22,000 --> 00:31:23,880
to you, right for my family
stories episode.
526
00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:25,040
So don't just share what
happened.
527
00:31:25,280 --> 00:31:30,160
Share the meaning behind it.
And that is, I think a great way
528
00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:35,120
to make the implicit explicit
and name this this tension, this
529
00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:37,720
fear that you have about our
children.
530
00:31:37,720 --> 00:31:40,640
I mean, I share too, but that
really comes up for you about
531
00:31:40,640 --> 00:31:42,240
how our children are going to
navigate.
532
00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:45,480
Yeah, inside and outside of this
family.
533
00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:49,480
Yeah, either that or I'm going
to dress up like Steve Buscemi
534
00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:53,680
did in 30 Rock and show up at
high school and be like, hey,
535
00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:55,560
kids.
Oh my God, no.
536
00:31:56,880 --> 00:31:58,080
Just talked.
Just talk.
537
00:31:58,360 --> 00:32:00,600
Just just talk to our kids.
Yeah.
538
00:32:01,640 --> 00:32:03,400
OK.
I think it's a lot, it's a lot
539
00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:08,280
of stuff.
It's AI feel seen in a well,
540
00:32:08,280 --> 00:32:12,120
like uncomfortable, Yeah, and I
feel seen in a there's some work
541
00:32:12,120 --> 00:32:14,080
to do here kind of way me.
Too.
542
00:32:14,520 --> 00:32:16,400
Which is good.
Which is.
543
00:32:16,800 --> 00:32:19,400
Progress.
Which is progress.
544
00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:20,200
Yeah.
OK.
545
00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:21,760
All right.
Belonging.
546
00:32:22,520 --> 00:32:25,200
I'm grateful that you have
always made me feel like I
547
00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:27,360
belong.
Right back at you.
548
00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:30,960
Now we have to figure out how to
make sure that the new Fetos
549
00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:33,080
feel that way as well.
Indeed.
550
00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:34,960
Great love you goosey love.
You goosey.
551
00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:40,720
Hey guys, if you're still here,
you're definitely our kind of
552
00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:42,880
person.
Thanks for spending this time
553
00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:44,480
with us on The Most Important
Thing.
554
00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:48,400
If this episode resonated with
you, we'd love for you to follow
555
00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:50,800
us wherever you get your
podcasts and share it with
556
00:32:50,800 --> 00:32:52,560
someone else.
Building family culture on
557
00:32:52,560 --> 00:32:53,080
purpose.
