TMIT 13: Compassion

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Welcome to The Most Important
Thing.

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I'm Danielle DeMarco Neufeld.
And I'm Greg Neufeld, and

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together we're exploring how
ambitious busy families can

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build culture at home.
Because after all, family is the

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most important thing.
Welcome back, everybody.

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Hi, Greg.
Hey, Danielle, welcome back.

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I'm.
Excited to talk today about

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compassion.
This is the fourth episode in

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our series on wholehearted
parenting.

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That's right.
And so the line today is we will

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teach you compassion by
practicing compassion with

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ourselves first, then with each
other.

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So really this episode today is
on self compassion.

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Self compassion.
That's right.

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How often do you think about
self compassion?

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I think about it a lot.
I'm surprised to hear that.

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Please tell us.
I think about it a lot and I

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practice it very poorly.
OK.

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That's my personal assessment
before we took any assessment.

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Understood.
Yeah, the idea of permanence is

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a big one for me, where when
something is going on, I'm like,

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oh, this is going to be this
way.

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Forever my favorite three PS
Martin Seligman's three PS.

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That's right.
Permanence, personalization and

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pervasiveness.
Yeah, something for another

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time.
Cool.

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Understood.
And so how does that relate to

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self compassion then, that it's
going to be this way forever?

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Because it's not OK.
And when I'm going through it,

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whether it's a difficult problem
with work, we're solving, a

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problem that I just haven't
solved yet, or not feeling my

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best, I think that every time I
encounter one of these, I can't

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see before it or after it.
I can only see what I'm in.

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Interesting.
Already out of the gate.

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That's so helpful for me to
understand because something

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that I know about you is you
really don't like not feeling

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your best.
I do not like not feeling my

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best.
I think that I'm a little bit

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better at that.
I attribute that to being a

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woman and having a cycle and
they're just days where I feel

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like crap and they typically
come monthly.

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And between pregnancies and
having a cycle, I think that I'm

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much more in acceptance around
not feeling my best.

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But I didn't know that it really
had to do with this idea of

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permanence for you, that it's
maybe of concern that it's never

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going to change.
That's right.

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And so that's why it feels so
intensely bad.

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Yeah, and most everything that I
encounter feels it effects my

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mind.
It's not if my body was sore or

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tired or I wasn't able to do
something in the gym, that's not

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going to bother me as much.
But if there's something that is

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particularly, you know,
delivering brain fog or a

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feeling of just lethargy that to
me, I cannot get out of and I

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will be there endlessly
previously Googling, now ChatGPT

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ING or grokking or Redditing to
try to get to the other side of

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it.
It's the troubleshooter in me.

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And I want instant results.
And if I'm not getting instant

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results, then I think, oh, wow,
this is what life is like

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forever more.
I will be feeling this way.

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And then the next morning I'll
wake up and I'll be like, oh,

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that changed.
Or an hour later.

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That sounds tough.
I am excited to talk through

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self compassion and maybe we can
find some tools to help with

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that.
I would love that.

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Cool.
OK.

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You know, for me, I want to
raise compassionate kids.

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And it wasn't until a couple of
years ago that I realized what

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Brene is saying is so true that
it has to start with me and that

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if I'm not kinder to myself, I'm
never going to be able to raise

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children that are kind to
themselves and therefore kind to

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other people.
One of the statements, I don't

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even know what you would call
it, one of the statements that

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really stuck with me over the
past couple of years is how you

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speak to your child will become
their inner voice.

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And at first, I was like really
jarring to me on multiple

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levels.
One, because I do think that a

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lot of my inner critic and
negative self talk comes from my

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parents or other adults in my
life.

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And then also recognizing that I
need to be really careful with

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my words, with my own children
and how tough I am on them or

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how negative or critical I can
be because I already see it

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starting to equate to self talk
for them.

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So this just really makes me
want to double down on this

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road, this journey of self
compassion, because I think that

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it really is intergenerational.
Well, do you want to break the

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cycle or you just want to help
our kids see the cycle?

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No, I want to break the cycle
for sure.

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I mean, even just the.
So we're going to take a test

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today that I took last week, but
I also took five years ago.

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And I'm excited to share that
I've meaningfully progressed

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when it comes to self
compassion.

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There's still a lot of work to
do, but I have focused on

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deliberate practice in this area
and I am seeing results.

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So that's huge.
Yeah.

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It is my hope that changing the
way that we talk to ourselves

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can have a ripple effect
throughout our family.

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Yeah, so Renee's working
definition of compassion comes

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from her latest book, Atlas of
the Heart.

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It is the daily practice of
recognizing and accepting our

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shared humanity so that we treat
ourselves and others with loving

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kindness and take action in the
face of suffering.

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It is a practice of doing, not
just feeling, and it is based on

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the beauty and pain of shared
humanity.

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It's a lot there and a lot to
unpack.

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Most of her definition comes
from the work, at least in my

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understanding.
Most of her definition comes

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from the work of Kristin Neff,
who's one of the world's leading

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researchers on self compassion.
And she breaks it down into 3

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core elements that are echoed in
Renee's definition.

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The 1st is self kindness,
treating yourself like you would

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a friend.
The second is common humanity.

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Remembering that struggle is
part of being human.

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Again.
Call back to family stories,

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right?
How important it is to build

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this understanding of common
humanity for yourself and for

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your whole family.
And three, mindfulness, noticing

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your pain without getting swept
away by it.

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So Kristen, I've created a self
compassion test to help people

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see specifically where they are
hard on themselves across these

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three layers and where they are
already strong.

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So we've linked to it in the
show notes and Greg and I each

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took the test and I'd love to
talk about our results.

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Yeah, let's do it.
OK, great.

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Let's talk about your results
first.

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OK sounds good.
So my overall score I got a

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2.56.
OK, so that's like right on the

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border of what they would call
moderate self compassion.

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You're just getting started, but
you're not down in the dumps.

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That's right.
So that's your overall score.

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And then as far as the sub
skills are concerned, self

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compassion involves higher
levels of positive self

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responding and lower levels of
negative self responding.

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So ideally when you look at
this, you would have positive

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levels in like high numbers
close to five in self kindness,

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common humanity and mindfulness
and lower numbers in self

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judgement, isolation or over
identification, right?

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So with that baseline, what what
comes up for you?

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What sticks out for you across
these different parameters?

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I have low scores in common
humanity and self kindness and I

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have higher scores in over
identification and self

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judgement and my mindfulness
score is actually pretty good.

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OK, so let's just talk about
what I took away from common

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humanity.
Would love to hear.

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It doesn't help me to know that
other people struggle.

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I love that.
That's so honest.

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Does not help me whatsoever.
OK, I do not care.

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OK, so fast that's.
Fascinating to me.

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OK.
Yeah, good to know.

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Because I have a a really good
sense of how I should be

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operating.
You guys, he's a #4 on the

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Enneagram, which is the
terminally unique and I am just

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seeing so much 4 coming up right
now.

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I have a good sense of how I
should be operating and and when

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I'm not operating at that level
I can usually diagnose why.

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It's the when I'm not able to
diagnose why that really bothers

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me.
I'll call my situation to be a

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neuro atypical levels of
depression where it's very well

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managed but it still shows up.
And what I mean by depression is

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a feeling of depression like I
am pressed down, like it is low

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energy.
And when I can't figure out why

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I'm having low energy, it is
truly a story of troubleshooting

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the device and operating system
that I'm working with and not

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knowing how to troubleshoot.
Any device, a computer, a phone

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or my body bothers me to know
it.

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Drives you nuts.
Yeah, no, I can.

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I can understand that.
I have not dealt with depression

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in my life, but I have dealt
with anxiety, and that is also a

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very isolating feeling, yeah,
where it doesn't matter to me

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that anybody is going through it
or has gone through it before.

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It feels like I'm the only one
in that moment.

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Yeah.
Now if I think about it, on the

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flip side, when I'm feeling
really, really great, I'm not

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like, oh man, I'm feeling so
great that nobody else can touch

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me and I am just feeling better
than anyone else out there.

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I probably should be thinking
about that because the other

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side of this coin is that I get
lots of energy when I'm self

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optimized.
So what what you're saying is

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that no one else like explain
that one more time you are

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thinking about other.
People, when you feel good or

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you're not, no.
Of course, not so on either end

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of the spectrum.
But I probably should be

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thinking about wow.
I'm, you know, I'm so lucky to

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be able to be.
It's like if I'm going to be

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taking the good of wow, I feel
so great when I'm self optimized

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with the bad sometimes because I
can't self optimize 100% of the

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time, I'm going to feel lousy.
I should be a little bit more

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grateful for the times when I
have that.

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I hear you, no shoulds, but it's
a great notice and maybe one

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that deserves further
reflection.

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Yes.
OK, So what else?

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What else jumps?
Out of you so so.

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And you, you gave these results
to GPT and yeah, I did and.

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GPT suggestion was to join a
peer community and also to share

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selectively when I'm struggling.
I haven't found either of those

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that like the Reddit stuff that
I do.

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Searching online for answers
like that actually is what I see

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in a peer community.
And if I see other people that

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are like, yeah, this is going on
for me, then that usually does

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make me feel better.
So I don't disagree with that.

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Quite.
Yeah, that feels like common

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humanity.
Yeah, I want to move on to self

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kindness because I do know that
I would benefit from practicing

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more self kindness, OK?
And GPT had this really nice

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reframe that I liked a lot.
And it says strength isn't the

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absence of slip UPS, it's the
ability to repair with warmth.

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So let me talk about that one
for a second.

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When I'm feeling not myself, I
know after a couple of minutes

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of deep thinking that this too
shall pass, right?

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And that usually does help me.
But repairing with warmth is a

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really nice way to frame it
where I can give myself certain

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things that I need extra sleep,
limiting my eating window so

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that I can fast or pushing it a
little bit harder on the

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exercise to sweat it out.
And that is the warmth that I

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need to give myself.
So I do like that reframe.

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So I'm done with that.
And in moments of overwhelm, say

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out loud, this is hard, I'm
here, I've got me.

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Maybe this is something you got
too, but it says to make a

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kindness kit.
Now I don't think I'm going to

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do this, but it's pretty cute to
make a pre written note to

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yourself, a favorite scent, A
grounding object, and use it

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when you notice you're
spiraling.

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Sounds like my pause pass.
That's exactly what I came up

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with yesterday.
Yes.

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Interesting.
I I really like this quote.

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It actually reminds me of last
episode on courage and embracing

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mistakes and life as one big
learning opportunity.

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Can you read the quote again
about slippage?

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00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:11,040
Strength isn't the absence of
slip UPS, it's the ability to

229
00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:12,440
repair with warmth.
Yeah.

230
00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:15,080
That's great.
And it come to me that also

231
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:19,480
says, like, you know, accepting
failures as part of the process

232
00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:22,240
and focusing on continuous
improvement.

233
00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:26,040
Yeah, with warmth, with warmth,
with warmth, without judgement.

234
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:30,080
And then this is I guess a sub
bullet there, but treat recovery

235
00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:33,560
from low energy days as a sacred
part of my rhythm, not a

236
00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:38,640
disruption to be pushed through.
Oh yeah, I like that a lot.

237
00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:41,760
I do too.
That's a good one, yeah.

238
00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:47,800
So I'm going to resolve to just
refer back to this on those

239
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:52,040
days, I'll set a little reminder
and see how it how it shows up

240
00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:57,000
when I can think about repairing
with warmth as opposed to not

241
00:12:57,000 --> 00:13:00,200
being so nice to myself.
So that's self kindness.

242
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:04,240
I love that sometimes I think I
secretly encouraged us to start

243
00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:06,440
this podcast so that I could get
you to take all the quizzes that

244
00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:10,360
I want.
And have you been so

245
00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:12,400
introspective?
It's definitely a bonus.

246
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,120
This is an elaborate scheme, I
said.

247
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,640
The other day.
To figure out how to post photos

248
00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:20,840
of our children online.
The new Fetos are pretty cute.

249
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:21,800
They.
Are so cute.

250
00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:23,120
They are.
Well, you know, I think we're a

251
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:25,600
little biased in that respect,
but yeah, should we talk about

252
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:26,640
mine?
Yeah, absolutely.

253
00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:31,040
OK.
So my results I got a 3.48 which

254
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:33,160
is just at that.
So I'm still in the same like

255
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:37,600
level 2 as you with moderate
self compassion but closer to

256
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:40,880
enlightenment that.
Feels, that feels like a very

257
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:41,520
high score.
Oh.

258
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:44,080
Yeah, well, like I said, I I
really have put in a lot of work

259
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:48,440
on this over the past couple of
years and I've been aware of my

260
00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:50,720
inner voice.
And so the thing that really

261
00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:53,800
jumps out for me is that I got
high scores in self kindness and

262
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:57,440
self judgement.
So while I know how to be

263
00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:00,320
compassionate to myself, my
inner critic is also very

264
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:02,600
strong.
This really resonates with me

265
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:06,320
because inside my brain there
really is a lot of cacophony

266
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:09,320
where it's like all these nice
things being said and I'm going

267
00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:12,000
through the motions and
listening to myself and my

268
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:14,200
higher power and sharing
affirmations.

269
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,960
And then there's also this
really loud inner critic that is

270
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:21,240
not very kind and very
controlling and it can come out

271
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:25,320
of nowhere.
So it says you may swing between

272
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:27,280
kindness and criticism,
especially when you feel

273
00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:29,960
responsible for others.
Hello, parenting.

274
00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:31,880
That's right, Right.
My goodness.

275
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:34,000
Yeah.
I, I think that the my I'm

276
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:37,440
definitely my go to nature when
it comes to parenting in moments

277
00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:39,640
of stress is control.
Absolutely.

278
00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:44,160
And that inner critic can come
up really harshly after moments

279
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:48,760
of control with the kids.
And so as far as there are two

280
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:53,680
things that I really like as far
as suggestions for how to make

281
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:56,240
them less balanced and maybe
strengthen the kindness part and

282
00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:59,840
reduce the judgement part.
And the first one is when you

283
00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:01,440
have that judgement, pair it
with kindness.

284
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:05,600
So I messed that up and I'm
allowed to mess that up.

285
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:09,000
I'm learning, right?
And then the second one, which I

286
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:12,360
really love and I'm going to
remember is to practice fierce

287
00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:15,400
self compassion.
So Kristen Neff differentiates

288
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:19,240
between tender self compassion,
which is that being with

289
00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:21,920
ourselves in a compassionate
way, like the way that a friend

290
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:26,200
would, and then fierce self
compassion, which is acting in

291
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:29,360
the world, protecting,
motivating myself and setting

292
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:31,800
boundaries.
Boundaries will be our next

293
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:35,200
episode, so we will definitely
meet focusing on that then.

294
00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:40,400
But this idea of fierce
compassion takes it a step.

295
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,200
I think it's actually like the
thing that's going to tip the

296
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:47,160
scales in favor of self kindness
because if you think about my

297
00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:49,280
head, you know, the, the
positive things and the negative

298
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:53,920
things, kind of fighting with
one another to kind of drop the

299
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:58,160
bomb, if you will, with the
fierce self compassion is really

300
00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:01,040
that third element that I think
I'm looking for to tip the

301
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:06,960
scales in favor of kindness.
So taking action and setting

302
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:10,720
boundaries for myself in a
compassionate way.

303
00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:16,720
Yeah, I I wonder we're making
this podcast for ambitious

304
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:19,400
families.
I imagine that part of the other

305
00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:21,680
side of ambition is low self
compassion.

306
00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:26,200
So I hope that I, I think that
what we're sharing here is

307
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:29,600
relevant or should be relevant
to to everybody, not just to the

308
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:30,920
two of us.
That's my sense.

309
00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:32,520
Is that yours too?
Yeah, I think so.

310
00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:34,640
I mean, I don't hate my inner
critic.

311
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:39,240
I guess my inner critic has
driven a lot of discipline and a

312
00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:42,600
lot of positive outcomes in my
life.

313
00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:49,240
But I wonder especially I'm 39,
I have an established career, I

314
00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,600
have my husband and my children
and we're like kind of the

315
00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:56,680
things that are I've made-up the
pie, if that makes sense.

316
00:16:57,040 --> 00:17:01,200
I've made-up the I've built out
what I would like to build out

317
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:05,400
in my life.
And now I wonder if I can learn

318
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:11,040
to do that in a more kind,
positive and and graceful

319
00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:14,400
manner.
If before I really like white

320
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,400
knuckled the 1st 35 years of my
life.

321
00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:20,359
Right.
But no matter how kind and

322
00:17:20,359 --> 00:17:25,000
graceful and let's say
enlightened you achieve on this

323
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:28,200
scale, I don't think they would
ever pull back from your

324
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:29,880
ambition.
Like I don't think it's possible

325
00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:32,440
to score, you know, perfectly on
this test.

326
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:36,800
And I think that's scoring
perfectly on this test doesn't

327
00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:39,400
mean that you've pulled back on
in terms of ambition or you

328
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,320
know, that you don't have
anything driving you anymore,

329
00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:43,160
right?
You're not taking mental health

330
00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:45,280
days left and right and being
like, oh, self-care.

331
00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:48,000
No, no.
But maybe doing it for a higher

332
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:51,520
purpose, maybe this feeling of
common humanity, perhaps you are

333
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:55,760
seeing yourself and your work as
a vessel, Right.

334
00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:57,000
So you're seeing yourself as a
vessel.

335
00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:00,600
You are doing the work to have
reverberations throughout the

336
00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:02,880
world.
Could be that I'm very.

337
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,080
I'm not there yet, but I've
heard other people talk about it

338
00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:05,680
like that.
Yeah.

339
00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:09,600
So this is interesting because
we have a scenario here where

340
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:13,680
we've both taken this quiz for
the purposes of sharing on

341
00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:19,360
podcast, but ideally at at home,
people would be taking this quiz

342
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:21,280
to share with one another and
talk about how they can support

343
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:23,280
one another.
So we should probably talk about

344
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:26,440
that too.
How can I support you in any of

345
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,440
these areas that that you're
feeling like you, you want more

346
00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:31,400
and you're capable of more, but
you're just not getting it out

347
00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:33,480
of yourself.
Thanks for asking.

348
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,880
Two things come to mind.
One, help me figure out how to

349
00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:39,880
sleep through the night because
my inner critic is so harsh at

350
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:43,520
3:00 AM and I've really had
trouble not falling asleep but

351
00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:46,560
staying asleep lately.
And there's just a lot of

352
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:51,240
unnecessary nonsense that goes
through my brain at that time of

353
00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:54,120
night that I find when I am
lucky enough to sleep through

354
00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:57,320
the night, it's just not there.
So that's one.

355
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:01,760
And then the other is support me
in my latest endeavor that I

356
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:05,840
came up with yesterday, which is
in my skirt right now, called my

357
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:09,080
then I'm calling my pause pass.
It's my little laminated

358
00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:12,680
reminder that has a bunch of
affirmations on it.

359
00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:15,400
But I also told everyone in our
family that when I take it out

360
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:18,520
and hold it up, it's almost like
a referee in a soccer game

361
00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:22,640
giving out like a yellow card
saying this is my replacement

362
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:25,160
for another intergenerational
term.

363
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:27,400
I'm done.
Which is the thing that I say

364
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:30,360
over and over when I'm just
totally tapped out with the

365
00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:33,720
children or with you when
there's screaming and music and

366
00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:39,840
requests and all of the things.
So this is both a physical

367
00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:42,400
reminder for me and a reminder
to our family.

368
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:46,680
But on the back of it, it are
affirmations and statements that

369
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:49,080
I can say like I am feeling
overwhelmed right now.

370
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:51,600
I need a moment to calm down
instead of I'm done.

371
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:55,560
And reminders to myself for
different breaths that I can do

372
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:58,480
like a hand on heart and belly
breath or a double inhale breath

373
00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:01,440
and a reminder that I'm not
shutting down.

374
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:04,760
I am resetting.
I mean, it's so cool that you

375
00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:06,240
know that about yourself and
that you can.

376
00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:09,640
Well, let's see, it's only been
24 hours, but I can tell you,

377
00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:12,240
and I told you this already,
that like, I feel so powerful

378
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:16,920
having this in my pocket.
It almost reminds me of like in

379
00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:21,360
elementary school when the
teacher would just like shut off

380
00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:23,240
the lights.
You know what I mean?

381
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:29,280
Like to stop the madness And you
have your, your sensory

382
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:33,320
processing is very heightened,
especially when it comes to

383
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:37,640
things like high pitched voices,
music, loud noises, anything

384
00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:41,680
that is startling or jarring.
So in a way that pass, we should

385
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:44,480
also turn out the lights when
that comes out, you know, or

386
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:46,080
whatever the equivalent of that
is.

387
00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,040
Because I think that's what
you're naming too, is that like

388
00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:51,320
it's not just you're done and
that you need to go and take

389
00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:54,640
some space from it, but it's
also like, please respect me and

390
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:56,240
make the space.
Help me make the space for

391
00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:57,080
myself.
Yeah.

392
00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:59,720
And I think that that is, it's a
help me allow.

393
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:03,400
So help me practice self
compassion, if you will.

394
00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:06,480
I don't really need help from
you or from the kids to give

395
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:10,440
myself to give myself grace.
As we've discussed, I'm pretty

396
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:13,240
high in the, in the loving
kindness or the self kindness

397
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:16,720
aspect.
I need to pause.

398
00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:25,120
I need to stop the high
frequency, the the cacophony.

399
00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:27,680
I don't even know what else to
call it the guy I need to to

400
00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:31,000
stop like my sense, I get
sensory overload and then I get

401
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:34,680
very controlling and rigid.
And that's not great for our

402
00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:37,000
family, but it's also really not
great for me because I beat

403
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:38,800
myself up on it about it
afterwards.

404
00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:42,000
And so let's see how this works.
But this is my experiment.

405
00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:45,360
It has to do with self
compassion, which is having this

406
00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:47,240
little laminated card in my
pocket.

407
00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:51,080
That's one a reminder of things
that I can do to practice self

408
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:53,840
compassion.
But 2 Something where when I am

409
00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:58,200
not necessarily able to verbally
tell you all what I need to just

410
00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:00,720
take it out and hopefully that
you can respect me.

411
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:05,280
No, that's great.
I I think it's I think we can

412
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:09,000
all use that as a the signal for
for what it is.

413
00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:11,680
Yeah, I mean immediately Hunter
and Jade and Maverick asked for

414
00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:13,600
one too, so I made one for each
of them.

415
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:16,320
I haven't made one for you yet.
Maybe you you would like one as

416
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:18,840
well.
Maybe I'm thinking that the

417
00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:23,440
experiment that I need is to
build in public the work to

418
00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:29,120
performance in public.
So, you know, when in baseball a

419
00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:31,480
pitcher is throwing a perfect
game and like, no one's supposed

420
00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:33,960
to talk about it, Yes.
Yeah, that stresses me out just

421
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:37,000
talking, just thinking about it.
Well, I kind of need the

422
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:40,320
opposite of that because the the
days without an incident or the

423
00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:42,800
days without feeling low or
whatever, like I want the

424
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,640
encouragement to keep it up.
And I also want the

425
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:48,120
encouragement to, to say, Hey,
Greg, like it's great that you

426
00:22:48,120 --> 00:22:50,720
are feeling so good, but you're
also, I noticed, you know,

427
00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:54,600
getting a little bit too rigid
when it comes to how you snapped

428
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:56,480
at the kids this morning or
something like that.

429
00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:57,960
And like, those are good notices
too.

430
00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:01,640
Because that's the trade off for
me in in, in my life is I can

431
00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:07,080
feel really good and not have as
much, let's call it it's not

432
00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:11,760
fun, but it's like
extracurriculars, you know?

433
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:13,880
I like to call it coloring
outside the lines.

434
00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:15,840
Coloring outside the line.
Yeah, I'd love for you to

435
00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:17,840
reframe that thought of fun
because I think that there are

436
00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:20,120
ways that you can have fun
without.

437
00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:21,960
We're not talking about alcohol
here, right?

438
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:24,880
We're usually talking about just
like eating dessert with the

439
00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:31,800
kids, but where you can not have
a hangover, right, Not having a

440
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:36,880
physical hangover.
I'm sorry if I'm being too

441
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:38,760
pushy, you can tell me.
You can tell me if I'm being too

442
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:40,240
pushy.
But do you think that there is

443
00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:43,960
an opportunity for you to work
on acceptance when you are in

444
00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:46,800
those stages as well of?
Course, but acceptance doesn't,

445
00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:51,680
acceptance doesn't teach me the
lesson that I feel like I still

446
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:56,880
need to be taught because
acceptance is not interpreting

447
00:23:56,880 --> 00:24:00,360
any of the causes.
And so being a scientist and

448
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:04,840
like still working towards
'cause when you and I met, like

449
00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:09,400
I didn't have this, this
knowledge and awareness of, of

450
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:10,960
what works for me and what
doesn't.

451
00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:13,920
And I built it up over the 10
years and I still build it like

452
00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:16,400
everyday.
I'm still learning what works

453
00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:18,720
and what doesn't.
And now I'm, I'm, I think I'm

454
00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:23,280
able to have more fun as a
member of this family and still

455
00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:25,800
and color outside of the lines
there without coloring outside

456
00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:28,280
of the lines by like eating
dessert with the kids, because

457
00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:31,200
that's going to make me feel not
so good in the morning, right?

458
00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:35,400
And so I want to learn to do the
coloring here outside the lines

459
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:37,920
and keep it over here so that
I'm able to color outside the

460
00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:40,200
lines with the kids, you know,
and with you.

461
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:42,720
And that's the, that's the
thing.

462
00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:46,040
It's like, I'm all or nothing.
I go really ham on it all.

463
00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:48,320
I'll have a day where it's like,
oh, it's Saturday, I'm going to

464
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:52,400
eat 4000 calories and you know,
like make the kids smoothies and

465
00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:54,400
drink half of that too.
And then I'm going to make some

466
00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:56,280
other concoction.
And then, you know, I'm going to

467
00:24:56,440 --> 00:25:00,040
like drink 2 pots of coffee and
stay up late and work on this.

468
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:01,800
And then I go to bed and I wake
up and I'm like, that was a

469
00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:03,640
horrible idea.
Why couldn't I have just like

470
00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:06,480
played on the Slack line with
the kids and like had my normal

471
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:10,920
day of food?
Yeah, I hear you.

472
00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:17,960
I also hope so dearly for you
that you can learn that that's

473
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:21,760
just part of you and it's not
necessarily something that you

474
00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:24,560
need to change.
Like you're not going to be a

475
00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:29,160
better human if you have 100 day
streak of perfect eating.

476
00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:33,240
I I mean, I guess let me let me
try to let me try that again.

477
00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:40,200
I think it is unrealistic to
think that you will never have a

478
00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:44,160
day of feeling not so great ever
again, of course.

479
00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:51,520
And so I want to encourage you
to be open to acceptance of

480
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:57,080
those days as opposed to I'm
going to learn from this day and

481
00:25:57,080 --> 00:26:00,200
I'm going to try to have as many
days in a row of feeling good

482
00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:01,680
before I have another one of
these days, so.

483
00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:03,040
That's not actually what I'm
saying.

484
00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:06,160
What what I'm saying is the the
part that I need help with is

485
00:26:06,600 --> 00:26:09,920
not like taking out the coloring
book and just like shredding

486
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:13,600
through all 90 pages at once.
Like leaving a little bit on the

487
00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:15,120
table for tomorrow.
Yeah.

488
00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:16,600
How can I help you in those
moments?

489
00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:18,880
Because yeah, I mean I, I.
Just need to name it out loud

490
00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:20,600
what I'm doing and what my goal
is for the day.

491
00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:23,360
Like you don't notice because
you don't know if I'm if I'm

492
00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:24,960
like eating a ton of food or
not.

493
00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:27,400
You have no idea.
And I'll be like, Oh my God, I

494
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:29,920
slept like, you know, so hot
last night, this and that.

495
00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:31,200
And like, why did I eat like
that?

496
00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:32,440
And you're like, what are you
talking about?

497
00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:34,760
Like I didn't even notice.
So I just need to name that.

498
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:37,800
The thing that I need to do for
myself is when I'm in my

499
00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:42,160
feelings see that as an
opportunity for a warm on ramp.

500
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:44,800
Yeah back as opposed to yelling
at myself.

501
00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:47,520
Yeah that's that's that's the
opportunity for self compassion.

502
00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:50,440
So there's the building in
public, which is like, hey, like

503
00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:52,680
I'm having a lot of fun today.
I feel like I'm a little bit at

504
00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:54,840
risk of going off the rails.
Can you help me make sure that

505
00:26:55,120 --> 00:26:57,000
you know I'm just naming it out
loud?

506
00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:58,560
Like can you make the?
Kids, can you?

507
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:01,240
Make the kids smoothie today so
that I don't end up drinking

508
00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:02,800
half of it.
Uh huh, I understand.

509
00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:06,440
And then and that's I think
that's the building public part.

510
00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:10,520
And then the self compassion is
when when I inevitably, you

511
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:12,840
know, wake up one day and I'm
not feeling my best, just be

512
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:16,600
like, OK, the data reset data
like warm back into, you know,

513
00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:20,400
ease back into the to the place
of being good, like no problem,

514
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:23,080
no problem.
That sounds beautiful.

515
00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:27,040
Cool, yes, I wonder.
So for me, I would just have

516
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:31,320
like a little body movement,
like boop, I'm gonna like hop

517
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:32,880
back in the I'm gonna hop back
in.

518
00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:34,720
Yeah, I'm starting to color
outside the line.

519
00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:37,240
So I'm just gonna help me hop
back in, right?

520
00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:40,000
You know, like a little signal
like that.

521
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:41,960
But I don't know.
That's that's where my brain

522
00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:43,240
goes.
I like it.

523
00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:44,640
I like to hop back.
In Yeah.

524
00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:47,400
OK, cool.
I'm happy to hold your hand

525
00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:49,080
while you hop back.
In and I have all the tools to,

526
00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:51,680
you know, perform at my best no
matter what.

527
00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:54,480
It's it's more about beating
myself up that when I have to

528
00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:56,400
use some of those tools that I
don't like to use.

529
00:27:57,080 --> 00:28:00,080
I understand there's not a
perfect cure, right?

530
00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:03,920
Everything comes with, it's with
it's, it's a list of pros and

531
00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:05,200
cons, right?
There are drawbacks.

532
00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:09,080
Yeah, who?
Modeled self compassion for you

533
00:28:09,120 --> 00:28:12,960
or did not growing up?
My mom was very good at self

534
00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:16,080
compassion.
I'm just reflecting at both my

535
00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:19,640
parents games on the tennis
court and my dad tried to hold

536
00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:24,120
back the frustration when he
would get frustrated, but he

537
00:28:24,120 --> 00:28:27,040
inevitably would and would like
talk to himself and like cursing

538
00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:29,080
himself, like under his breath
and things like that.

539
00:28:29,080 --> 00:28:33,200
And my mom be like, oh, Barbara.
And it was so cute.

540
00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:35,800
And that's great.
Yeah, and and, you know, even if

541
00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:38,000
she was like, damn it, you know,
or threw, threw something out

542
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:39,440
like that, she never lost her
cool.

543
00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:41,360
She never threw a racket.
She was such a good sportsman

544
00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:44,240
with, you know, with the team.
She would be apologetic to her

545
00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:46,960
teammate if she was playing
double S, but never would like

546
00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:48,880
feel like she was letting
anybody down.

547
00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:50,880
I just thought that she was
really good about that.

548
00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:53,520
And she's a person that I
probably should have modeled

549
00:28:53,720 --> 00:28:57,120
more from earlier in life.
She was always focused on going

550
00:28:57,120 --> 00:28:59,800
to bed early and getting good
sleep and eating well.

551
00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:03,600
And, you know, my dad was in
great shape, but he would go to

552
00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:05,880
bed late and he would eat ice
cream right before bed.

553
00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:10,200
And he would, you know,
definitely, definitely wasn't

554
00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:12,280
the person that I wanted to that
I realized in my side I should

555
00:29:12,280 --> 00:29:14,840
have modeled after.
But I did because he was, he was

556
00:29:14,880 --> 00:29:16,120
the dad.
He was the man.

557
00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:18,600
And I was growing up to be a
mini version of him.

558
00:29:18,600 --> 00:29:24,080
So it's a good, it's a good
lesson to to look for the, you

559
00:29:24,080 --> 00:29:28,360
know, both genders and their
pros and cons, no matter what

560
00:29:28,360 --> 00:29:30,960
the child is.
I like it.

561
00:29:31,040 --> 00:29:32,720
Well, it's not too late.
How about for you to be like

562
00:29:32,720 --> 00:29:33,880
Barbara?
Yeah, that's right.

563
00:29:34,240 --> 00:29:35,600
I got to think about that.
Yeah, that's good.

564
00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:38,600
What about for you?
But sure, we want to go there.

565
00:29:39,440 --> 00:29:41,800
Gigi.
Yeah, for sure.

566
00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:45,880
My grandmother was a very kind
and simple woman, right?

567
00:29:46,720 --> 00:29:48,600
She was so compassionate.
I don't, I don't think she was

568
00:29:48,600 --> 00:29:50,200
necessarily too self
compassionate though.

569
00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:56,080
For me, I would say that it's
something my mom struggles with

570
00:29:56,360 --> 00:29:58,520
and it's probably something that
her mom struggled with.

571
00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:02,400
Again, back to the
intergenerational stuff, my dad

572
00:30:02,400 --> 00:30:05,480
is definitely more of a self
compassionate person I would

573
00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:07,920
say, but a quietly self
compassionate 1.

574
00:30:10,040 --> 00:30:11,280
Yeah.
When you talk about your mom,

575
00:30:11,280 --> 00:30:14,800
and when I think about my dad, I
think of them both as having a

576
00:30:14,800 --> 00:30:19,200
playful nature and kind of like
a childlike curiosity, a fun

577
00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:22,160
loving nature if you will, which
is our family value of the

578
00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:25,000
month, right?
And so I think there's something

579
00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:26,920
to that.
I think there's something to

580
00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:30,520
this idea of playfulness and
having self compassion, not

581
00:30:30,520 --> 00:30:34,000
taking life too seriously and
being kind to ourselves.

582
00:30:34,480 --> 00:30:37,360
Yeah, I agree.
So moving on, moving on.

583
00:30:37,360 --> 00:30:40,040
As far as experiments, it sounds
like we're committing to quite a

584
00:30:40,040 --> 00:30:42,240
few things already.
I'm going to keep using my pause

585
00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:45,720
pass and I'm going to help you
hop back in the lines.

586
00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:51,760
And I'm going to name when I'm
having a a wild and crazy day

587
00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:58,480
and that I want to have a little
bit of Co accountability just to

588
00:30:58,480 --> 00:31:02,480
make sure I don't go to ham.
And when you do go?

589
00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:07,360
And when I do go ham, just warm
right back into that place where

590
00:31:07,560 --> 00:31:11,760
I can ease myself back into my
normal course of business

591
00:31:11,760 --> 00:31:15,440
without the permanence of it's
going to last forever.

592
00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:20,360
And I'm going to work on my fear
self compassion, not just

593
00:31:20,360 --> 00:31:22,960
stopping with this balance of
self kindness and self

594
00:31:22,960 --> 00:31:27,240
judgement, but really tipping
the scales into self kindness by

595
00:31:27,760 --> 00:31:30,520
taking action and setting
boundaries appropriately.

596
00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:33,520
I like it.
Yeah, One thing I heard for the

597
00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:36,600
kids, well really for all of us
that I thought could be

598
00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:38,760
interesting also is naming the
inner critic.

599
00:31:39,320 --> 00:31:42,520
So Destructo Danielle or
something like that.

600
00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:47,160
You know, like practicing
modeling that ourselves, this

601
00:31:47,160 --> 00:31:49,880
really comes down, it comes from
IFS into integrated family

602
00:31:49,880 --> 00:31:52,960
systems, which is a terrible
name for a wonderful practice.

603
00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:55,840
But just talking about the
separate parts of us and the

604
00:31:55,840 --> 00:31:57,880
inner critic can be one of those
parts, right?

605
00:31:57,880 --> 00:32:01,520
But it is not the highest self
that we hold.

606
00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:06,480
And so naming it can give us
some distance from it and could

607
00:32:06,520 --> 00:32:09,160
help with that pervasiveness.
One of the other piece, right?

608
00:32:09,440 --> 00:32:12,360
Knowing that maybe the inner
critic is part of me, but it is

609
00:32:12,360 --> 00:32:15,560
not all of me.
And so we can play around with

610
00:32:16,240 --> 00:32:20,360
some type of naming it when it
comes up for ourselves and any

611
00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:21,840
of the children.
Yeah.

612
00:32:22,360 --> 00:32:25,760
Are there any examples of our
children exhibiting some of the

613
00:32:25,760 --> 00:32:28,240
things that we don't love about
ourselves that we just want to

614
00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:30,600
name out as well when those show
up?

615
00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:34,920
You know, it's hard for me, I
don't know that they are stating

616
00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:38,440
outwardly their harshness on
their on themselves.

617
00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:40,000
Like I can.
I can definitely think about

618
00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:43,280
Jade and the way that she
sometimes interacts with the

619
00:32:43,280 --> 00:32:46,880
world, like making herself
small, that it seems like her

620
00:32:46,880 --> 00:32:49,640
inner critic is coming up and
maybe we can get curious about

621
00:32:49,640 --> 00:32:52,480
that looking at it through a
self compassion lens.

622
00:32:53,320 --> 00:32:57,800
And then, you know, when I made
Hunter a pause pass, she changed

623
00:32:57,800 --> 00:33:00,200
all of hers.
So she changed all the things on

624
00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:02,560
the back of of hers as far as
like the different things that

625
00:33:02,560 --> 00:33:07,120
she wanted it to say.
And so I think that she has a

626
00:33:07,120 --> 00:33:13,240
pretty good idea actually of
what helps her feel calm and

627
00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:14,280
self compassionate.
It's.

628
00:33:15,200 --> 00:33:17,680
Wonderful.
Yeah, one of them, I told you

629
00:33:17,680 --> 00:33:21,480
that she said I wanted to say I
am loved and I am lovable.

630
00:33:21,520 --> 00:33:23,160
And I said, Hunter, what does
lovable mean?

631
00:33:23,560 --> 00:33:27,840
And she said it means that
people can love me, not like boy

632
00:33:27,840 --> 00:33:31,360
love, but that like people in my
family, like I can have that

633
00:33:31,360 --> 00:33:33,640
love.
I thought that was really cute.

634
00:33:33,880 --> 00:33:35,640
Yeah.
She's picking it up somehow.

635
00:33:36,160 --> 00:33:38,440
Yeah.
Do you think that we could post

636
00:33:38,440 --> 00:33:41,080
a template of a pause pass for
anyone who wants to?

637
00:33:41,080 --> 00:33:42,160
Make it sure.
I don't know if it's.

638
00:33:42,320 --> 00:33:43,400
It seems like it's a silly
little.

639
00:33:43,400 --> 00:33:45,480
Thing a silly little thing, but
I think you know just a template

640
00:33:45,480 --> 00:33:47,640
of change your image, change
your words, here you go.

641
00:33:47,760 --> 00:33:49,960
Sure I can.
I can post a video too of like a

642
00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:52,480
little of what it looks like.
I laminated them, yeah.

643
00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:55,400
Because why not?
I know I like to laminate.

644
00:33:55,760 --> 00:33:57,200
It's much more serious when it's
laminated.

645
00:33:57,400 --> 00:33:59,040
Can't pull out a pause pass if
it's not laminated.

646
00:33:59,040 --> 00:34:00,440
I agree.
It's great.

647
00:34:01,320 --> 00:34:02,920
OK.
I think I'm excited.

648
00:34:02,920 --> 00:34:06,720
I think that this is a it's a
really important practice and it

649
00:34:06,720 --> 00:34:09,520
starts with us.
And the the most important thing

650
00:34:09,520 --> 00:34:11,480
is that we model it.
That's right.

651
00:34:12,159 --> 00:34:15,080
Yep.
I think that the most important

652
00:34:15,080 --> 00:34:19,800
thing about compassion is that
it has to start with us, because

653
00:34:19,800 --> 00:34:21,199
you cannot pour from an empty
cup.

654
00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:25,000
OK, well.
So fill your cup.

655
00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:28,440
Fill your cup but not too full
and if it if you go back for

656
00:34:28,440 --> 00:34:30,600
refills.
If it's overflowing, you need a

657
00:34:30,600 --> 00:34:32,880
pause pass or to hop back inside
the lines I'd.

658
00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:35,679
Say, Danielle, I'm going back
for a second.

659
00:34:37,840 --> 00:34:39,960
Yes, OK, great.
Love you, goosey love.

660
00:34:40,080 --> 00:34:44,320
You goosey.
Hey guys, if you're still here,

661
00:34:44,320 --> 00:34:46,040
you're definitely our kind of
person.

662
00:34:46,520 --> 00:34:49,040
Thanks for spending this time
with us on The Most Important

663
00:34:49,040 --> 00:34:51,560
Thing.
If this episode resonated with

664
00:34:51,560 --> 00:34:54,000
you, we'd love for you to follow
us wherever you get your

665
00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:56,199
podcasts and share it with
someone else.

666
00:34:56,199 --> 00:34:57,920
Building family culture on
purpose.