May 26, 2025
TMIT 10: Loved & Lovable
Loved & Lovable ❤️💗
As a kid, you likely knew you were loved. But did you also know that you were lovable no matter what?
We didn’t always get that message growing up, as we’ve since learned about one another. But we are all worthy of love, just as we are. So how do we internalize this as adults, and pass along the right message to our kids?
With our tenth episode, Loved & Lovable , we’re introducing a new arc at The Most Important Thing , using Brené Brown’s Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto as our compass.
"Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable. You will learn this from my words and actions — the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself."
So, how might we distinguish between loved and lovable within our family?
❤️
Loved
= the feeling that someone is deeply here for you.
It’s love coming toward you—through care, protection, and presence.
- “I love you, and I’ll hold your hand at the doctor.”
- “I love you, and I believe in you, even when you’re scared.”
It’s not just words—it’s follow-through, especially when things are messy.
💗
Lovable
= the belief that you are worthy of love, just as you are.
It’s not earned through behavior, helpfulness, or performance—it’s part of a wholehearted identity.
🎙️ In this episode
We talk about what it means to “know that you are lovable” and play around with some language experiments—
- Replacing “I love you, but…” with “I love you, therefore…”
- Being more descriptive with how we express love
We also explore presence, repair, and what it means to be a family that doesn’t just feel loved—but where each member believes they’re lovable.
This one’s softer, slower, and full of heart. Thanks for being here with us.
With so much love,
Danielle + Greg
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Above all else, I want you to
know that you are loved and
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lovable.
You will learn this from my
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words and actions.
The lessons on love are in how I
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treat you and how I treat
myself.
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I want you to engage with the
world from a place of
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worthiness.
You will learn that you are
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worthy of love, belonging, and
joy every time you see me.
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Practice self compassion and
embrace my own imperfections.
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We will practice courage in our
family by showing up, letting
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ourselves be seen, and honoring
vulnerability.
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We will share our stories of
struggle and strength.
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There will always be room in our
house for both.
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We will teach you compassion by
practicing compassion with
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ourselves first, then with each
other.
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We will set and respect
boundaries.
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We will honor hard work, hope,
and perseverance.
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Rest and play will be family
values as well as family
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practices.
You will learn accountability
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and respect by watching me make
mistakes and make amends, and by
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watching how I ask for what I
need and talk about how I feel.
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I want you to know joy, so
together we will practice
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gratitude.
I want you to feel joy, so
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together we will learn how to be
vulnerable.
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When uncertainty and scarcity
visit, you will be able to draw
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from the spirit that is a part
of our everyday life.
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Together we will cry and face
fear and grief.
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I will want to take away your
pain, but instead I will sit
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with you and teach you how to
feel it.
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We will laugh and sing and dance
and create.
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We will always have permission
to be ourselves with each other.
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No matter what, you will always
belong here.
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As you begin your wholehearted
journey, the greatest gift that
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I can give to you is to live and
love with my whole heart and to
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dare greatly.
I will not teach or love or show
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you anything perfectly, but I
will let you see me, and I will
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always hold sacred the gift of
seeing you.
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Truly, deeply seeing you.
Welcome to the most important
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thing.
I'm Danielle DeMarco Neufeld.
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And I'm Greg Neufeld, and
together we're exploring how
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ambitious busy families can
build culture at home.
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Because after all, family is the
most important thing.
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Well, that was something new.
Yeah, cold open as you like to
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call.
It love me a cold open.
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So what we just read?
The Wholehearted Parenting
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Manifesto by Brené Brown.
Pretty cool, a lot of stuff in
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there.
Wow.
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Yeah, so she is a household name
around here, and maybe some of
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you know her from her books or
her Ted talk on vulnerability,
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but she's a grounded theory
researcher who I love.
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And this manifesto is her
personal commitment to parenting
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with intention.
It's also an invitation to us
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all to reflect on how our
behavior and self treatment
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influence others understanding
of love and belonging in our
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home.
And it's also been in our home
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for about 5 years now on the
refrigerator.
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But I think this is the first
time that I've truly inspected
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this piece of work, and I'm so
glad that you're bringing us
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here.
Can you talk some more about
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where we're going?
Yeah, absolutely.
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So our last episode was called
back to base camp, and there we
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talked about the emotional
wiring of a home.
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And in thinking about it
further, this manifesto to me is
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exactly that.
It's not exhaustive, but it
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needs so many of these invisible
systems that make our family
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feel safe, seen, and worthy.
So while not perfect, I do
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believe that Brene is impeccable
with her words and I would like
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to propose that we break down
this manifesto together, one
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element at a time, starting with
today's episode on Loved and
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Lovable to better understand how
we can help each member of our
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family to feel safe, seen and
worthy in our home.
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What do you think?
It's a beautiful mission.
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I'm totally on board.
This is a great juxtaposition
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too, I think from our first
eight episodes, which are very
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crisp and have defined edges in
terms of experimentation and
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opportunities to connect through
action.
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I think we might find ourselves
sitting in feeling and
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observation.
But I think it's going to be
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worth it, and I'm excited to
take the plunge here as we enter
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what feels like our second set
of episodes.
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Yeah, let's see how it works
out.
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But in the last episode, I asked
us this question, what flows
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through the walls of our home.
And I do think that Renee says
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it well.
So we might as well start here.
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That's right.
Shall we dig in?
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Let's dig in.
OK great.
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So the first statements above
all else, I want you to know
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that you are loved and lovable.
You will learn this from my
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words and actions.
The lessons on love are in how I
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treat you and how I treat
myself.
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So at the outset, the first
thing that I hear is it's not
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just about how we treat one
another, but that it really does
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start with how we treat
ourselves.
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That's right, kids are are
mirrors and typically when we're
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seeing something we don't like
in them, it's something that we
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don't like in us.
So showing the world, especially
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our children, that we are loved
and lovable and believing that
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is a real opportunity.
Absolutely.
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I believe that she was specific
in her distinction between being
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loved and being lovable, and so
I would love to unpack that.
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I don't think anyone's ever
asked her the difference, but I
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did some contemplating and
researching on the difference
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and I've come up with something
that I'd love for us to
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consider.
So what this idea of being loved
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speaks to a feeling of something
done to you that the members of
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your family love you.
And I would never try to
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encapsulate the word love.
We'll leave that to the poets.
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But I do think that when it
comes to our family and we tell
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each other and our family, we
say we love each other all the
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time, maybe even too much,
honestly, maybe.
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But when I think about what I
mean by that, I think that it
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really is about nurturing one
another, protecting and caring
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for one another.
And I think that it would
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behoove us as a family to make
the implicit explicit here and
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to follow up with the words that
we say all the time, like I love
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you and say I love you.
Therefore, I promise when you're
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at the orthodontist today to
hold your hand.
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True story.
True story.
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Jade was a champ today.
I like where you're going with
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this.
It helps unpack on both sides
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what that emotion really means
in the moment.
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Yeah, I think that love is a
very complex thing.
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And so there's absolutely this
feeling of love that one can
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embody or that one can
experience from their family
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members.
Today I asked Jade.
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I said, do you know that I love
you?
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And she said yes.
And I said, do you love me?
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She said yeah.
And then I said, do you know
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what it means that I love you?
And she said no.
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And I said, well, what do you
mean when you say you love me?
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She said, I don't know.
And while on the one hand, I
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think that that's just fine
because we know we love each
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other deeply, you know, but I
think that it could be really
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helpful.
I guess I want to be more
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specific when I use the term I
love you because something that
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has come up for me as I've been
researching and reflecting upon
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this episode is that I often say
I love you when I just give
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someone a squeeze.
But I will also say I love you,
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but please don't touch that.
I love you, but please stop
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dancing when you're supposed to
be getting dressed.
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And I think I need a better term
for that.
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But until I come up with a
better term for that, I just
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want to stop saying I love you.
But it's.
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A great notice.
Thank you and I think that it
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will help me if I can start
saying I love you and therefore
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I promise to care for you in
this way.
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Sure.
When you think about the ways
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that you love our children, what
what comes up for you as far as
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promises like I love you,
therefore I promise to.
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Therefore, I promise to keep you
safe.
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I promise to keep your evolving
needs in mind as a parent.
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I promise to see you and who you
are, not who I impose on you or
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project on you.
I love you and I'm present here
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listening to you.
Not I love you, meaning I'll
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love you later, but right now I
can't love you or right now I
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can't devote attention to you.
So I think it's that open
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chested stance, you know, arms
out, bent down at their level.
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That's what I'm trying to
convey.
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That's what I think of.
So your presence and your
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openness, Yeah, that's
beautiful.
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What about you?
I think it's not dissimilar.
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I would say that I want our
children to know that actually,
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I want our children and you to
know that I love you and
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therefore I promise to take care
of you.
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I promise to support you, and
even though inevitably we will
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have misunderstandings and hurt
feelings, I promise to
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acknowledge them and repair with
you.
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I love that this family is a
base camp and we're all climbing
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our own individual mountains,
but each of us have improved
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outcomes because of us being
together.
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So true.
So, so true.
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OK, great.
So that's loved.
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And I would bet that if you're
listening to this podcast, you
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are crushing it when it comes to
love.
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Crushing it.
So I don't think we have to say
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too much more about that.
Let's talk about being lovable.
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So the distinction here, from
what I understand, is that being
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lovable is part of your
identity.
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It is what you believe about
yourself.
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There's a quote from one of my
favorite books, The Road Less
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Traveled by M Scott Peck, where
he says ultimately love is
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everything.
The feeling of I am a valuable
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person is essential to mental
health and is a cornerstone of
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self-discipline.
So this idea of being lovable is
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one that to contrast it with
being loved, which is the way
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that those that care for you
show you how you are cared for.
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Being lovable is a belief that
you hold, a core belief about
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your identity, that you are
worthy of love.
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And I think this is a really
important message to play the
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tape all the way through because
it is.
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You are worthy of being loved
unconditionally.
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It's not about how you look on
the outside or what you perform,
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but it's about after you've had
a tantrum, or if you've made a
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mistake or if you've lost a
spelling bee, that you are a
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whole person worthy of our love.
It's beautiful.
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There's something that I heard
from Wellness Mama on this
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topic.
So she has, I think, 5 or 6
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kids.
She says that she tells her
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children, I love you
unconditionally.
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There is nothing that you ever
have to do to earn that and
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there is nothing you ever could
do to take that away.
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I really like that.
I think that's a pretty crisp,
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developmentally appropriate
statement that can help children
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understand that no matter how
they behave, they are worthy of
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love.
Yeah, which is a really hard
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thing for a lot of people, a lot
of adults.
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Yeah, I don't think that this is
a message that I got honestly
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growing up.
How about you?
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I got that I was loved by my
family for sure, but when it
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comes to lovable from the
outside world, I think that was
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day by day.
Like some days I felt it, some
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days I didn't.
And it's kind of noteworthy.
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I'm not a a very religious
person or even all that
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spiritual, but every night
before I go to bed, I don't know
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why I say this, but I say to the
universe.
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I say thank you for loving me,
for trusting me, and for
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believing in me.
I love, trust and believe in you
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and that is what I say.
And being lovable is really a
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thing that I've always needed to
tell myself.
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And once I saw it with this
family, I finally felt like I
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was lovable.
That's beautiful, Greg.
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Thank you for sharing.
Yeah, I'm here for it.
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Yeah, I think I struggle with
the concept of being lovable,
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honestly.
I was absolutely and still am
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loved growing up in my family of
origin.
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I was absolutely loved.
This idea that I am
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unconditionally lovable, I'm a
little embarrassed to say, isn't
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as strong as I would like it to
be at 39 years old.
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I think that it's I'm a bit
penetrable when it comes to
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that.
I want to believe that I'm
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lovable no matter what.
But I think that, I mean, I know
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that I still struggle with
receiving certain feedback from
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people in my life that are close
to me around that I'm too much,
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that I'm too, yeah, that I'm too
much can leave it at that.
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And I think that that is a
through line in my life that I'm
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still working on.
Honestly, I'm I'm still working
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on accepting that some people
perceive me as too much and that
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that is OK, and that I am still
OK and enough, even if I'm too
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much, to be lovable to some
folks.
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I mean, I know this about you
and I understand why.
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I also know that I was very
excited for us to land on the
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idea of this show, this
platform, Not only because I
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think it's a great outlet for a
lot of the conversations we're
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having anyway and experiments
we're doing anyway, but because
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you just haven't met enough of
the people out there that see
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you for who you are and for how
incredible you are and the
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feedback that I've gotten from
close friends about this show
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already.
It is.
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It is you.
I'm here to prop you up and help
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the world see you.
Thank you Goosy, I love you.
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I love you.
Say it just rolls off the
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tongue.
Whoops.
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Thank you for seeing me Goosey,
I really appreciate that.
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I love you.
Makes me feel love for you.
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Yeah.
I mean, that's for me.
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Love comes down to being seen.
That is the truest form of how
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someone can love me is to see me
for all of the shiny parts but
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the so many imperfections and
struggles too, and to and to say
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that I love you anyway.
Yeah.
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OK, I also think that I want to
teach our kids that everyone is
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lovable.
There's a quote I love from Mary
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Lou Konecki that says there
isn't anyone you couldn't love
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once you've heard their story.
And I think about that a lot in
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the context of, I would say I
think about a lot in the context
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of people I don't know that
well.
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When I feel as though they've
harmed me, I really try to
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remember that we may not be the
same in beliefs or mindset, but
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we're both beings who deserve to
be loved.
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And guess what?
I don't know their whole story
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and there's probably a reason
why they are this way.
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And I think that that's a really
important lesson to teach our
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kids as they are growing.
I see them getting into conflict
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and not understanding why
certain people, certain kids can
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be cruel.
And you don't know whether they
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had a good sleep last night.
You don't know if they had
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breakfast this morning.
That's right.
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So, yeah, so anyway, just just
to close the thought that I
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think that teaching our children
that everyone is lovable is a
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really important practice in
this space as well.
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I think I can teach our kids
that through a very simple yet
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powerful story.
And the story goes like this.
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We use to do it as our family's
operating system.
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Danielle here prays for one new
person every night and she
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writes down in to do it who she
prayed for that day.
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Because that is the kind of
person Danielle is and she broke
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to do it because she prayed for
too many people too many nights
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in a row and had to start a new
task with new subtasks of who
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she's praying for.
So our children will understand
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2 lessons from that.
One, yes, everyone is lovable,
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and two, mommy has a list of
everyone.
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No, it's a really good point
actually, because a lot of times
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I put people that I'm struggling
with on that list.
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You do like actually that is a
daily reminder to send positive
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vibes to pray for someone in my
life that we didn't get along or
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I feel harmed me or yeah or I
feel hurt by today to love them
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anyway.
It's such a cool thing and it's
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such a great practice.
Thank you.
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It's one of those things like
reading on the Kindle where I'm
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like, I do this, but my kids
don't know about it because it
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goes into the void.
Yeah, I think my take away from
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this episode so far, just in
terms of the applicability to
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other people listening is how
valuable it is just to have
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these kinds of conversations out
loud, talking through the idea
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that you are loved and also that
you are lovable.
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These are the open, honest
conversations that align us,
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show us that we're on the same
team, and really bring us closer
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together.
I like it, Greg.
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I like it a lot.
So to recap, I'll say it one
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more time.
Above all else, I want you to
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know that you are loved and
lovable.
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You will learn this from my
words and actions.
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The lessons on love are in how I
treat you and how I treat
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myself.
Powerful stuff.
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So the way that we are making
the distinction between loved
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and lovable is that to be loved
is a feeling that the members of
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your family give to you.
And I would like to try making
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00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:34,600
the implicit explicit in this
respect to try speaking a bit
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further, playing the tape all
the way through about.
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I love you, therefore I'm going
to care for you in this way.
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I love you therefore I promise
to keep you safe.
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I love you, therefore, even
though you're incredibly scared
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of having a spelling bee today,
I'm going to send you to school
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because I know that we have
practiced for the past five
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days.
Yeah, and I'll try pulling back
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on the I love you, but please
stop yelling in my face.
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Yeah, I'm so guilty of that too.
It's it's it's like an I love
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you.
But I think that both of us can
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start saying more behind the I
love yous when we mean them in a
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positive way and stop saying the
I love you butts.
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More therefore cut the butts.
I don't know if any of you all
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do that, but I would love to
hear.
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But I would love to hear.
OK, All right.
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I think I think that's it.
How's this feel?
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How's this feel to?
You.
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This feels great to me.
This feels like some deep stuff.
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00:22:47,120 --> 00:22:49,240
Let us know.
Let us know how you like it.
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00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:53,680
It's definitely, as I said
before, this is kind of the
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stuff that's harder to
photograph.
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It's the invisible part of the
house, if you will.
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But I think that it's all still
really important culture
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building conversation.
Me too, me too.
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I'm here for it and thanks for
bringing us all here.
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You guys, he really is here for
it.
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00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:17,440
Jade had her graduation today at
her preschool, and Greg's been
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00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:20,760
on that campus a dozen times
over the past four years, which
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00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:23,120
really isn't that much.
That's part of it.
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But for the first time, he
really saw it.
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He got misty eyed, and he was.
So I don't want to put words in
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your mouth, but it seemed as
though you felt gratitude.
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You were surrounded by feelings
of gratitude is what I saw in
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00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:43,720
you.
Maybe you can say more.
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Yes, definitely.
Feelings of gratitude.
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It is a very special place.
We'll have to go into it another
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time.
Well, tell us what you what you
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00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:57,960
told me in the car, which is
that it was the first time you
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00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:00,160
were able to allocate time.
Yeah.
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00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:07,840
Well, running a business that is
the primary and sole income
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stream for the family has lots
of pros and cons.
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00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:16,840
One of the cons is that it kind
of requires me to put blinders
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00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:22,200
on to make sure that I can give
my whole self to that effort to
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take care of my family because I
love my family, therefore I want
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to provide for them.
And even just having one hobby
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00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:36,320
or whatever this is in talking
about family culture and feeling
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more connected to not just our
community, but everyone out
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00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:42,160
there that's been listening and
we know there's a lot of people
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00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:47,160
that are listening.
It opens up my aperture to the
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00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:49,680
world a little bit where I'm
actually engaging with the
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00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:55,600
world, not just as Greg the
investor venture capitalist, but
368
00:24:55,800 --> 00:25:00,440
I'm Greg the dad, I'm Greg the
husband, I'm Greg the podcaster,
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00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:06,120
and that's kind of cool.
So I'm here for it.
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I'm so glad you are.
I love you, Goosey.
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I love you, Goosey.
Hey guys, if you're still here,
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you're definitely our kind of
person.
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Thanks for spending this time
with us on The Most Important
374
00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:22,320
Thing.
If this episode resonated with
375
00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:24,760
you, we'd love for you to follow
us wherever you get your
376
00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:26,960
podcasts and share it with
someone else.
377
00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:28,720
Building family culture on
purpose.
00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:02,800
Above all else, I want you to
know that you are loved and
2
00:00:02,800 --> 00:00:05,120
lovable.
You will learn this from my
3
00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:08,320
words and actions.
The lessons on love are in how I
4
00:00:08,320 --> 00:00:10,280
treat you and how I treat
myself.
5
00:00:11,120 --> 00:00:13,120
I want you to engage with the
world from a place of
6
00:00:13,120 --> 00:00:15,520
worthiness.
You will learn that you are
7
00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:18,600
worthy of love, belonging, and
joy every time you see me.
8
00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:21,720
Practice self compassion and
embrace my own imperfections.
9
00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:26,480
We will practice courage in our
family by showing up, letting
10
00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:29,800
ourselves be seen, and honoring
vulnerability.
11
00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:33,480
We will share our stories of
struggle and strength.
12
00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:36,920
There will always be room in our
house for both.
13
00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:40,320
We will teach you compassion by
practicing compassion with
14
00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:42,480
ourselves first, then with each
other.
15
00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:44,800
We will set and respect
boundaries.
16
00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:48,640
We will honor hard work, hope,
and perseverance.
17
00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:51,920
Rest and play will be family
values as well as family
18
00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:54,680
practices.
You will learn accountability
19
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:58,960
and respect by watching me make
mistakes and make amends, and by
20
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:02,680
watching how I ask for what I
need and talk about how I feel.
21
00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:06,240
I want you to know joy, so
together we will practice
22
00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:09,160
gratitude.
I want you to feel joy, so
23
00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:11,440
together we will learn how to be
vulnerable.
24
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:15,840
When uncertainty and scarcity
visit, you will be able to draw
25
00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:19,040
from the spirit that is a part
of our everyday life.
26
00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:21,920
Together we will cry and face
fear and grief.
27
00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:25,920
I will want to take away your
pain, but instead I will sit
28
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:27,760
with you and teach you how to
feel it.
29
00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:31,360
We will laugh and sing and dance
and create.
30
00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:34,920
We will always have permission
to be ourselves with each other.
31
00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:37,840
No matter what, you will always
belong here.
32
00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:42,080
As you begin your wholehearted
journey, the greatest gift that
33
00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:46,480
I can give to you is to live and
love with my whole heart and to
34
00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:50,880
dare greatly.
I will not teach or love or show
35
00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:54,960
you anything perfectly, but I
will let you see me, and I will
36
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:57,480
always hold sacred the gift of
seeing you.
37
00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:04,640
Truly, deeply seeing you.
Welcome to the most important
38
00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:06,800
thing.
I'm Danielle DeMarco Neufeld.
39
00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:09,800
And I'm Greg Neufeld, and
together we're exploring how
40
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:12,040
ambitious busy families can
build culture at home.
41
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:15,040
Because after all, family is the
most important thing.
42
00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:20,520
Well, that was something new.
Yeah, cold open as you like to
43
00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:22,040
call.
It love me a cold open.
44
00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:25,560
So what we just read?
The Wholehearted Parenting
45
00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:30,720
Manifesto by Brené Brown.
Pretty cool, a lot of stuff in
46
00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:31,920
there.
Wow.
47
00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:37,120
Yeah, so she is a household name
around here, and maybe some of
48
00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:41,560
you know her from her books or
her Ted talk on vulnerability,
49
00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:44,600
but she's a grounded theory
researcher who I love.
50
00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:47,800
And this manifesto is her
personal commitment to parenting
51
00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:50,720
with intention.
It's also an invitation to us
52
00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:55,160
all to reflect on how our
behavior and self treatment
53
00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:58,440
influence others understanding
of love and belonging in our
54
00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:01,640
home.
And it's also been in our home
55
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:05,160
for about 5 years now on the
refrigerator.
56
00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:09,720
But I think this is the first
time that I've truly inspected
57
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:12,960
this piece of work, and I'm so
glad that you're bringing us
58
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,040
here.
Can you talk some more about
59
00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:17,480
where we're going?
Yeah, absolutely.
60
00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:22,320
So our last episode was called
back to base camp, and there we
61
00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:25,080
talked about the emotional
wiring of a home.
62
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And in thinking about it
further, this manifesto to me is
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exactly that.
It's not exhaustive, but it
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needs so many of these invisible
systems that make our family
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feel safe, seen, and worthy.
So while not perfect, I do
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believe that Brene is impeccable
with her words and I would like
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to propose that we break down
this manifesto together, one
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element at a time, starting with
today's episode on Loved and
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Lovable to better understand how
we can help each member of our
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family to feel safe, seen and
worthy in our home.
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What do you think?
It's a beautiful mission.
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I'm totally on board.
This is a great juxtaposition
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too, I think from our first
eight episodes, which are very
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crisp and have defined edges in
terms of experimentation and
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opportunities to connect through
action.
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I think we might find ourselves
sitting in feeling and
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observation.
But I think it's going to be
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worth it, and I'm excited to
take the plunge here as we enter
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what feels like our second set
of episodes.
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Yeah, let's see how it works
out.
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But in the last episode, I asked
us this question, what flows
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through the walls of our home.
And I do think that Renee says
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it well.
So we might as well start here.
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That's right.
Shall we dig in?
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Let's dig in.
OK great.
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So the first statements above
all else, I want you to know
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that you are loved and lovable.
You will learn this from my
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words and actions.
The lessons on love are in how I
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treat you and how I treat
myself.
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So at the outset, the first
thing that I hear is it's not
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just about how we treat one
another, but that it really does
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start with how we treat
ourselves.
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That's right, kids are are
mirrors and typically when we're
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seeing something we don't like
in them, it's something that we
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don't like in us.
So showing the world, especially
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our children, that we are loved
and lovable and believing that
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is a real opportunity.
Absolutely.
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I believe that she was specific
in her distinction between being
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loved and being lovable, and so
I would love to unpack that.
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I don't think anyone's ever
asked her the difference, but I
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did some contemplating and
researching on the difference
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and I've come up with something
that I'd love for us to
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consider.
So what this idea of being loved
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speaks to a feeling of something
done to you that the members of
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your family love you.
And I would never try to
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encapsulate the word love.
We'll leave that to the poets.
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But I do think that when it
comes to our family and we tell
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each other and our family, we
say we love each other all the
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time, maybe even too much,
honestly, maybe.
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But when I think about what I
mean by that, I think that it
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really is about nurturing one
another, protecting and caring
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for one another.
And I think that it would
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behoove us as a family to make
the implicit explicit here and
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to follow up with the words that
we say all the time, like I love
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you and say I love you.
Therefore, I promise when you're
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at the orthodontist today to
hold your hand.
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True story.
True story.
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Jade was a champ today.
I like where you're going with
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this.
It helps unpack on both sides
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what that emotion really means
in the moment.
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Yeah, I think that love is a
very complex thing.
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And so there's absolutely this
feeling of love that one can
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embody or that one can
experience from their family
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members.
Today I asked Jade.
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I said, do you know that I love
you?
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And she said yes.
And I said, do you love me?
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She said yeah.
And then I said, do you know
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what it means that I love you?
And she said no.
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And I said, well, what do you
mean when you say you love me?
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She said, I don't know.
And while on the one hand, I
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think that that's just fine
because we know we love each
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other deeply, you know, but I
think that it could be really
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helpful.
I guess I want to be more
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specific when I use the term I
love you because something that
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has come up for me as I've been
researching and reflecting upon
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this episode is that I often say
I love you when I just give
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someone a squeeze.
But I will also say I love you,
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but please don't touch that.
I love you, but please stop
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dancing when you're supposed to
be getting dressed.
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And I think I need a better term
for that.
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But until I come up with a
better term for that, I just
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want to stop saying I love you.
But it's.
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A great notice.
Thank you and I think that it
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will help me if I can start
saying I love you and therefore
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I promise to care for you in
this way.
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Sure.
When you think about the ways
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that you love our children, what
what comes up for you as far as
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promises like I love you,
therefore I promise to.
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Therefore, I promise to keep you
safe.
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00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:34,200
I promise to keep your evolving
needs in mind as a parent.
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I promise to see you and who you
are, not who I impose on you or
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project on you.
I love you and I'm present here
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listening to you.
Not I love you, meaning I'll
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love you later, but right now I
can't love you or right now I
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can't devote attention to you.
So I think it's that open
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chested stance, you know, arms
out, bent down at their level.
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00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,040
That's what I'm trying to
convey.
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That's what I think of.
So your presence and your
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openness, Yeah, that's
beautiful.
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What about you?
I think it's not dissimilar.
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I would say that I want our
children to know that actually,
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I want our children and you to
know that I love you and
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therefore I promise to take care
of you.
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00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:40,120
I promise to support you, and
even though inevitably we will
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have misunderstandings and hurt
feelings, I promise to
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acknowledge them and repair with
you.
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I love that this family is a
base camp and we're all climbing
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our own individual mountains,
but each of us have improved
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outcomes because of us being
together.
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So true.
So, so true.
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OK, great.
So that's loved.
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And I would bet that if you're
listening to this podcast, you
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are crushing it when it comes to
love.
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Crushing it.
So I don't think we have to say
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too much more about that.
Let's talk about being lovable.
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So the distinction here, from
what I understand, is that being
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lovable is part of your
identity.
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It is what you believe about
yourself.
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00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,960
There's a quote from one of my
favorite books, The Road Less
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Traveled by M Scott Peck, where
he says ultimately love is
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00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:48,200
everything.
The feeling of I am a valuable
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person is essential to mental
health and is a cornerstone of
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self-discipline.
So this idea of being lovable is
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one that to contrast it with
being loved, which is the way
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that those that care for you
show you how you are cared for.
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Being lovable is a belief that
you hold, a core belief about
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your identity, that you are
worthy of love.
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And I think this is a really
important message to play the
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tape all the way through because
it is.
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You are worthy of being loved
unconditionally.
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It's not about how you look on
the outside or what you perform,
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but it's about after you've had
a tantrum, or if you've made a
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00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:59,040
mistake or if you've lost a
spelling bee, that you are a
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whole person worthy of our love.
It's beautiful.
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00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:11,000
There's something that I heard
from Wellness Mama on this
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topic.
So she has, I think, 5 or 6
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kids.
She says that she tells her
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children, I love you
unconditionally.
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00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:21,560
There is nothing that you ever
have to do to earn that and
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there is nothing you ever could
do to take that away.
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00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:28,040
I really like that.
I think that's a pretty crisp,
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developmentally appropriate
statement that can help children
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00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:39,120
understand that no matter how
they behave, they are worthy of
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00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:41,720
love.
Yeah, which is a really hard
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thing for a lot of people, a lot
of adults.
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Yeah, I don't think that this is
a message that I got honestly
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growing up.
How about you?
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I got that I was loved by my
family for sure, but when it
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00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:59,200
comes to lovable from the
outside world, I think that was
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day by day.
Like some days I felt it, some
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00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:05,800
days I didn't.
And it's kind of noteworthy.
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I'm not a a very religious
person or even all that
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spiritual, but every night
before I go to bed, I don't know
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why I say this, but I say to the
universe.
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I say thank you for loving me,
for trusting me, and for
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00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:23,560
believing in me.
I love, trust and believe in you
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00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:28,200
and that is what I say.
And being lovable is really a
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00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,720
thing that I've always needed to
tell myself.
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00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:35,720
And once I saw it with this
family, I finally felt like I
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was lovable.
That's beautiful, Greg.
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Thank you for sharing.
Yeah, I'm here for it.
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Yeah, I think I struggle with
the concept of being lovable,
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honestly.
I was absolutely and still am
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loved growing up in my family of
origin.
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I was absolutely loved.
This idea that I am
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unconditionally lovable, I'm a
little embarrassed to say, isn't
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as strong as I would like it to
be at 39 years old.
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I think that it's I'm a bit
penetrable when it comes to
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that.
I want to believe that I'm
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lovable no matter what.
But I think that, I mean, I know
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that I still struggle with
receiving certain feedback from
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people in my life that are close
to me around that I'm too much,
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that I'm too, yeah, that I'm too
much can leave it at that.
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And I think that that is a
through line in my life that I'm
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still working on.
Honestly, I'm I'm still working
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on accepting that some people
perceive me as too much and that
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that is OK, and that I am still
OK and enough, even if I'm too
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much, to be lovable to some
folks.
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00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:22,880
I mean, I know this about you
and I understand why.
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I also know that I was very
excited for us to land on the
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idea of this show, this
platform, Not only because I
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think it's a great outlet for a
lot of the conversations we're
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00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:41,560
having anyway and experiments
we're doing anyway, but because
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you just haven't met enough of
the people out there that see
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00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:51,640
you for who you are and for how
incredible you are and the
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feedback that I've gotten from
close friends about this show
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already.
It is.
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It is you.
I'm here to prop you up and help
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00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:05,440
the world see you.
Thank you Goosy, I love you.
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I love you.
Say it just rolls off the
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tongue.
Whoops.
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Thank you for seeing me Goosey,
I really appreciate that.
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I love you.
Makes me feel love for you.
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00:17:18,079 --> 00:17:19,800
Yeah.
I mean, that's for me.
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Love comes down to being seen.
That is the truest form of how
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00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:32,280
someone can love me is to see me
for all of the shiny parts but
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00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:37,120
the so many imperfections and
struggles too, and to and to say
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that I love you anyway.
Yeah.
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00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:48,840
OK, I also think that I want to
teach our kids that everyone is
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00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:55,560
lovable.
There's a quote I love from Mary
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00:17:55,560 --> 00:18:00,040
Lou Konecki that says there
isn't anyone you couldn't love
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00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:06,000
once you've heard their story.
And I think about that a lot in
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the context of, I would say I
think about a lot in the context
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of people I don't know that
well.
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When I feel as though they've
harmed me, I really try to
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remember that we may not be the
same in beliefs or mindset, but
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we're both beings who deserve to
be loved.
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And guess what?
I don't know their whole story
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and there's probably a reason
why they are this way.
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And I think that that's a really
important lesson to teach our
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kids as they are growing.
I see them getting into conflict
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00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:42,760
and not understanding why
certain people, certain kids can
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00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:46,520
be cruel.
And you don't know whether they
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00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:50,120
had a good sleep last night.
You don't know if they had
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00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:52,440
breakfast this morning.
That's right.
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00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:56,800
So, yeah, so anyway, just just
to close the thought that I
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think that teaching our children
that everyone is lovable is a
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00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:04,440
really important practice in
this space as well.
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I think I can teach our kids
that through a very simple yet
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00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:12,000
powerful story.
And the story goes like this.
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00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:15,120
We use to do it as our family's
operating system.
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Danielle here prays for one new
person every night and she
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00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:23,880
writes down in to do it who she
prayed for that day.
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Because that is the kind of
person Danielle is and she broke
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to do it because she prayed for
too many people too many nights
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in a row and had to start a new
task with new subtasks of who
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she's praying for.
So our children will understand
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2 lessons from that.
One, yes, everyone is lovable,
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and two, mommy has a list of
everyone.
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No, it's a really good point
actually, because a lot of times
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I put people that I'm struggling
with on that list.
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You do like actually that is a
daily reminder to send positive
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vibes to pray for someone in my
life that we didn't get along or
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I feel harmed me or yeah or I
feel hurt by today to love them
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anyway.
It's such a cool thing and it's
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such a great practice.
Thank you.
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It's one of those things like
reading on the Kindle where I'm
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like, I do this, but my kids
don't know about it because it
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goes into the void.
Yeah, I think my take away from
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this episode so far, just in
terms of the applicability to
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other people listening is how
valuable it is just to have
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these kinds of conversations out
loud, talking through the idea
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that you are loved and also that
you are lovable.
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These are the open, honest
conversations that align us,
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show us that we're on the same
team, and really bring us closer
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together.
I like it, Greg.
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I like it a lot.
So to recap, I'll say it one
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more time.
Above all else, I want you to
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know that you are loved and
lovable.
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You will learn this from my
words and actions.
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The lessons on love are in how I
treat you and how I treat
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myself.
Powerful stuff.
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So the way that we are making
the distinction between loved
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and lovable is that to be loved
is a feeling that the members of
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your family give to you.
And I would like to try making
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the implicit explicit in this
respect to try speaking a bit
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further, playing the tape all
the way through about.
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I love you, therefore I'm going
to care for you in this way.
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I love you therefore I promise
to keep you safe.
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I love you, therefore, even
though you're incredibly scared
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of having a spelling bee today,
I'm going to send you to school
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because I know that we have
practiced for the past five
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days.
Yeah, and I'll try pulling back
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on the I love you, but please
stop yelling in my face.
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Yeah, I'm so guilty of that too.
It's it's it's like an I love
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you.
But I think that both of us can
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start saying more behind the I
love yous when we mean them in a
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positive way and stop saying the
I love you butts.
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More therefore cut the butts.
I don't know if any of you all
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do that, but I would love to
hear.
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But I would love to hear.
OK, All right.
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I think I think that's it.
How's this feel?
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How's this feel to?
You.
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This feels great to me.
This feels like some deep stuff.
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Let us know.
Let us know how you like it.
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It's definitely, as I said
before, this is kind of the
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stuff that's harder to
photograph.
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It's the invisible part of the
house, if you will.
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But I think that it's all still
really important culture
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building conversation.
Me too, me too.
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I'm here for it and thanks for
bringing us all here.
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You guys, he really is here for
it.
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Jade had her graduation today at
her preschool, and Greg's been
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on that campus a dozen times
over the past four years, which
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really isn't that much.
That's part of it.
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But for the first time, he
really saw it.
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He got misty eyed, and he was.
So I don't want to put words in
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your mouth, but it seemed as
though you felt gratitude.
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You were surrounded by feelings
of gratitude is what I saw in
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you.
Maybe you can say more.
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Yes, definitely.
Feelings of gratitude.
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It is a very special place.
We'll have to go into it another
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time.
Well, tell us what you what you
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told me in the car, which is
that it was the first time you
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00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:00,160
were able to allocate time.
Yeah.
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Well, running a business that is
the primary and sole income
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stream for the family has lots
of pros and cons.
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One of the cons is that it kind
of requires me to put blinders
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on to make sure that I can give
my whole self to that effort to
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take care of my family because I
love my family, therefore I want
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to provide for them.
And even just having one hobby
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or whatever this is in talking
about family culture and feeling
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more connected to not just our
community, but everyone out
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00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:42,160
there that's been listening and
we know there's a lot of people
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that are listening.
It opens up my aperture to the
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world a little bit where I'm
actually engaging with the
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world, not just as Greg the
investor venture capitalist, but
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00:24:55,800 --> 00:25:00,440
I'm Greg the dad, I'm Greg the
husband, I'm Greg the podcaster,
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00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:06,120
and that's kind of cool.
So I'm here for it.
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I'm so glad you are.
I love you, Goosey.
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I love you, Goosey.
Hey guys, if you're still here,
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you're definitely our kind of
person.
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Thanks for spending this time
with us on The Most Important
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00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:22,320
Thing.
If this episode resonated with
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00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:24,760
you, we'd love for you to follow
us wherever you get your
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00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:26,960
podcasts and share it with
someone else.
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00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:28,720
Building family culture on
purpose.
