TMIT 09: Back to Base Camp

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Welcome to The Most Important
Thing.

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I'm Danielle DeMarco Neufeld.
And I'm Greg Neufeld, and

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together we're exploring how
ambitious busy families can

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build culture at home.
Because after all, family is the

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most important thing.
Hey, Danielle.

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Hi, Greg.
Happy whatever day of the week

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it is, we are here today to
reflect.

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Yes.
We've covered 8 topics so far,

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from family meetings to money
conversations, and we're

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thrilled with the feedback we're
getting and also the anecdotes.

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Yeah, you guys, people are
listening.

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It's not just us here.
Who knew?

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Who knew?
That's very exciting.

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Shall I share some of the
anecdotes that I've heard over

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the past couple of weeks?
Yes, please.

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OK, great.
One of my friends, one of our

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friends told us that she, after
listening to the Family Stories

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episode, now has the courage to
share some struggle stories with

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her kids, which is incredible
and I'm so thrilled.

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And quite a few family meetings
happened this week to varying

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degrees of success and hilarity.
Reminds me of the Elon Musk

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saying that success is uncertain
but entertainment is guaranteed.

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Keep it going, people.
Keep.

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It going.
And I heard about family meals

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that happened for the first time
in a while.

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But my absolute favorite
feedback has been from the kids.

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So not our kids.
Not our kids.

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They wouldn't listen.
They don't listen to us, but you

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know how that goes.
So we got to talk to a couple of

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kids who would listen to the
Family Stories episode and

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really enjoyed that and asked
their parents about Family

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Stories afterwards.
And then just today I heard

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about a boy who listened to Team
It with his mom in the car and

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suggested that they do family
movement after dinner.

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Love that.
Me too.

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Incredible, epic, so exciting.
We live for these little

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anecdotes, so please, please
share them.

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Yes.
Please share them.

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We have a newsletter, TMIT
pod.com.

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You can sign up for the
newsletter and we'll share our

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episode tip sheet for the 1st 8
episodes and that's where you'll

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be able to hear from us with
future episode announcements and

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more Easter eggs.
Yeah, and reply and let us know

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how things are going.
We want to hear there is no

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detail too small.
Yep, we're just high at

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tmitpod.com if you want to reach
out.

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Cool.
Cool.

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So today we're returning to
Basecamp to take stock and

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reflect on the 1st 8 episodes.
Yeah.

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So we're calling this episode
back to Basecamp because

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Basecamp is a really important
term in our family.

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It's a concept that I first read
about in M Scott Peck's The Road

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Less Travelled, where he talks
about marriage as a base camp,

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as a place where two people
commit to taking solace and

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resting up because life is about
climbing your own mountain.

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And so the base camp is really
where you can have an

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opportunity to reflect and rest
and gather supplies for your

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next journey.
So marriage is a base kid.

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I think that this applies to the
whole family as well.

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Yeah, because family isn't about
the summit, right?

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We are preparing each member to
climb their own mountain.

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But family is where we build our
emotional, spiritual, and

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relational muscles for the
outside world.

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It's the place that we get to
return to again and again to get

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clear, get connected, and
prepare for what's next.

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So today we're asking you to
join us at The Most Important

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Thing Base Camp, and we're glad
you're here.

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We really are.
Yeah.

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It's been really special.
Cool.

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So let's talk about our first
eight episodes, not the Cliff

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Notes.
You can see the tip sheet for

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that.
We'll send that to you if you

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sign up for the news.
But the consistent themes and

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through lines that we've
discovered along the way.

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So Greg and I spent a little bit
of time reflecting both

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individually and then together
we did a table read, if you

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will, on some of these themes.
And I think it really comes down

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to two overarching themes.
One is to keep it simple and the

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other is to make the implicit
explicit.

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That's right.
So let's get into it.

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Yeah, so I've got this saying
that I love.

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It's a little weird because I
throw it out at random people

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and they're like, what are you
talking?

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About this is true.
It's.

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Called floss one tooth.
So I'm a very intentional

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flosser and I believe oral
hygiene will keep you alive very

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long in life.
I'm a convert.

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Yep, but if you want to get
started in flossing your teeth,

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don't say tonight I'm going to
floss all my teeth.

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Just floss one tooth and then
floss 2:00 tomorrow.

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So the idea is that we start
with something small, right?

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I actually love this idea from
Doctor Becky, who says if the

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first step feels too hard, then
make it smaller.

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And obviously you really embody
that with your favorite model of

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floss one tooth.
That's.

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Right.
But weirdness aside, I think

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that what we've seen is that it
just starts with one small

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thing, right?
You know, I remember sharing

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some of my favorite birthday
stories with the girls while

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emptying the dishwasher a couple
mornings ago.

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That it doesn't have to be these
huge moments.

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It can just be these tiny
moments of magic.

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And like I think you said
earlier, Greg, is that they

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build upon themselves and
eventually it becomes like a

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ball rolling downhill.
Yeah, if you take the first

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step, it's not much time.
That small step builds inertia

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that makes me want to do more,
and the kids notice, which makes

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me want to find more to do.
Now we're all a lot closer

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already, and it's only been
three weeks.

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Beautifully, said Craig.
The other thing I like thinking

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about when it comes to keep it
simple is start small and see

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what sticks.
If we are starting small, we can

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throw a bunch of things against
the wall.

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And this goes back to this idea
of being open to being

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adaptable, like combining meals
with family movement.

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Last Friday was amazing.
And if we had been rigid about

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bedtime, which we usually are,
it wouldn't have happened that

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way.
But just accepting that, OK, we

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are allocating space and we are
going to provide some structure,

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but then we're going to let
inspiration strike within that

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container, I think is a really,
really important aspect of

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keeping it simple.
So setting some structure.

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I love this idea that Ed
Catmill, who's the Co founder of

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Pixar, talks about.
He says that creativity thrives

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within constraints.
So if we can just set up,

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allocate some time, whether it's
a family meal or a family

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meeting and be loose about the
agenda, then the members of our

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family will fill it beautifully.
But it is our job to to create

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that opportunity.
That said, it's only a short

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amount of time.
Yeah, it we're not talking about

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hours and hours, right.
Most of our, most of our

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experiments have been 25 to Max
50 minutes.

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Yeah, throughout the week.
That's right, you know, kids

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love the anticipation build.
Like they just like asking about

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when the next time that we're
going to do.

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Something at least our kids do
at.

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Least our kids and and when we
have a date and we're like, Oh

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yeah, we're going to do that
again this Friday.

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They're like wow, so cool.
Yeah, I think that's true.

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I think that they also
appreciate the ritual of it,

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right?
These rhythms that they can rely

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upon, that really have, that
really involve the whole family.

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That's right.
Yeah, so keep it simple, but

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just get going.
Floss one tooth and then the

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other is to name the invisible
forces.

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Play the tape all the way
through and make the implicit

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explicit.
So what do we mean by this?

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Well, I think it shows up a lot
in family stories where what we

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learned in the research is that
we don't want to stop at what

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happened, but really share what
it means to us individually.

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And then also, a big aha moment
for me was about sharing

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struggles too, not just
successes.

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That's not really something that
comes naturally to me.

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But once you tell me that, I'm
like, oh duh, of course.

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Yeah, we're all on the same team
and it's kind of weird that we

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would ever posture or hide
anything about the challenges in

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getting to the path, you know,
in getting to the place that

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we're at today.
So just think about it that way.

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Yeah, for me it's not about
posturing, it's just it would

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never even occur to me as being
relevant.

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Right.
And now, you know, three weeks

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into this experience and these
experiments, I am understanding

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why they make me more relatable
and more human and are the most

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relevant.
I love that you said that it

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would never occur to you because
most people out in the world it

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does occur to them and they hide
it.

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Well, that's just not me, but
yeah, so I think, I think those

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are the two things.
Yeah, those are the big three

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lines.
So keep it simple and make the

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implicit explicit.
And this actually our takeaways

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from our first eight experiments
remind me a lot of Bruce Filer's

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big three lessons from his book
The Secrets of Happy Families,

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which I read not too long ago.
And he says adapt all the time,

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talk a lot and have fun
together, go out and play right.

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And so I think that those are
also great keep it simple type

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of strategies for setting the
foundation of family culture.

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Right.
So we were doing the things.

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And and we're going to keep
doing things we're.

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Going to keep doing the things.
So this has been an excellent

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phase, one of the most important
thing.

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So where do we go next?
It's a great question.

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I feel like we've really laid a
solid foundation and as we take

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stock, I really, I feel like
we've really laid a solid

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foundation and that these first
eight episodes and eight

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experiments feel like a complete
set.

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The feeling I've been getting
lately is 1 of exhale, like take

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a pause, reflect on where you
are and keep these going.

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And so as I take stock of where
we've been and where we're

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going, I keep coming back to
this metaphor of building a

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house.
In our first eight episodes, I

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feel like we cleared the space,
we poured intention into the

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ground and we named that family
culture matters and deserves to

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be intentionally pursued.
I feel like we've raised the

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structure, the frame and the
beams, if you will.

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Like I feel like we have a
framed out house.

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We talked about practices that
shape our day-to-day.

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So the bones of the house have
taken shape and now we're moving

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into a different phase, not one
that's going to add more

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structure right away.
But when I think about what's

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next, I've been thinking about
the emotional wiring of the

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house and asking myself what
flows through the walls of our

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home.
And so that's where I'd like to

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focus our next journey on this
internal architecture, if you

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will, The invisible systems that
make our family feel safe, seen,

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and worthy.
It's the part of the house

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that's harder to visualize, but
I think it's impossible to live

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without.
I love where your heart is at

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with that.
Thank you.

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Yeah, no, I really do, and I'm
excited to keep going.

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Me too.
All right.

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Love you, goosey.
Love you, goosey.

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Hey guys, if you're still here,
you're definitely our kind of

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person.
Thanks for spending this time

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with us on The Most Important
Thing.

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If this episode resonated with
you, we'd love for you to follow

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us wherever you get your
podcasts and share it with

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someone else.
Building family culture on

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purpose.