TMIT 42: Storming & Transforming - A Roadmap for Periods of Transition

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Got to shake off the cobwebs.
Welcome back to The Most

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Important Thing.
I'm Danielle.

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And I'm Greg, and this is
Winston, and together we're

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exploring family, culture and
leadership at home.

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Yes, we are happy 2026
everybody.

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Happy 2026.
Yeah, it's been a while since we

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sat down here.
Almost a month actually.

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Yeah, we've been to New York and
back with mostly great outcomes.

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That's right.
Yeah, It was a lot of fun.

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We did all the things, all the
touristy things, went to

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Rockefeller Center, saw the
Radio City Music Hall,

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Rockettes, even did a horse
drawn carriage in Central Park,

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which I think part of me swore I
would never do such a tourist

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thing to do, but it was actually
really great.

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It was great.
I loved that.

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Saw friends and family, went
sledding, it was great.

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Seeing New York through the kids
eyes, right?

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That's like, it's very special.
Yes, and I loved how both Hunter

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and Jade really felt at home
there the first night.

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Jade was like, Mom, this feels
like home, right?

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So we'll be back.
We will and we came home to a

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neufeld only house.
That's right, for the first time

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ever in Delray Beach, it is just
the Neufeld, 5 humans and one

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dog.
That's right.

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So if you didn't catch some of
our December episodes, after

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four wonderful years with our
full time nanny, we made the

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decision to let her go in at the
end of the year because Maverick

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is in full time school now.
And well, as Greg said to me

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this morning, it was time for us
to grow up.

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Yeah.
Yeah, I, I feel like a, an adult

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finally at the age of 41, not
having anyone take care of the

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things for me, for us.
Yeah.

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But we're in the midst of a
really big transformation.

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Not to sound super privileged,
but it is.

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It's a big change for us
because, well, almost every one

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of our workflows has shifted.
Now.

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No longer am I saying this is
what the kids are having for

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lunch this week, but never
actually seeing what gets eaten.

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And not right now.
There's this like immediate

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feedback loop.
And it might seem small, but I'm

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just noticing all of these
different things that are

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changing.
Yeah, and I think the genesis of

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this episode is not about us not
having a nanny.

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That would be a pretty weak
material, but about what it

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means to be in a period of
transition, right?

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Yeah, I like to call it
transformation.

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Transformation.
Yeah, because it really is an

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upgrade, right, In the sense
that we are adulting now, you

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and me full time, and the kids
are no longer babies, right?

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They really are no longer babies
and they're able to take

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responsibility in our home.
If you're joining us for the

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first time in the new year, our
kids are 86 and 4, Hunter, Jade

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and Maverick, and we live in
Delray Beach, FL, though we came

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from New York and are making
this place our home.

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Yeah.
And so I've started to call

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these types of phases because
we've been here before our

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storming phase.
And today we wanted to unpack

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for you really what we're
thinking about during this

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storming phase.
And so that whether you're in

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the midst of a big family
transformation such as changing

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jobs or a new baby is coming or
maybe you just had a lot of

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friction over the holiday break
and want to reset in 2026.

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We want to invite you to lean
into the upgrade, the

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transformation and specifically
what we are thinking about as

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far as our true north in the
resiliency of the system during

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this time.
So even when there are messy

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moments, which there are plenty
of them, even more so right now

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that we can feel confident
knowing that the process is

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still sound.
Yeah, well said, Very well said.

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The process is sound.
We're just trying to figure out

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what that process is.
Yeah, exactly.

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And I love the quote from Arthur
Brooks that came up as a

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reminder on my phone this
morning, which is that every

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change of circumstance is an
opportunity to learn, grow, and

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create value.
For sure.

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Yeah, I mean, we've been here
before, right?

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Whether it was Jade's birth,
which we've talked about that

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where everything broke and the
two of us had to huddle

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together, I would say on our
back foot, right?

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Or whether we were running from
COVID, from Manhattan to rural

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Connecticut to here in Delray,
multiple homes in the midst of

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growing a third baby in my
belly, right.

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We, it's, there's a term that I
like, which is AFGO, another

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effing growth opportunity.
That's a good one.

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And this is a, this is a +1.
This is one that we've been able

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to plan for and be proactive
about.

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But it doesn't mean that they're
let.

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There's still a lot of friction.
Totally.

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I think you have helped me
reframe the messiness, the

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turbulence, if you will.
It's not a sign that things are

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breaking, it's a sign that
things are changing and that we

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need to lean into that change,
lean into the turbulence, and

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that's really an opportunity for
leadership.

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Absolutely.
And I think you know this about

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me and share it as well, which
is that I am always going to ask

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us where can we upgrade next?
Where is the place of growth?

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And when things start to get
comfortable, that means we

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either need to have a new kid,
need to take on a new business,

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need to let go over a nanny, you
know, fill in the blank that I

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really do have a passion in this
life for continuous improvement

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and continuous growth.
And I love this time of learning

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how we can all upgrade and take
on more.

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Yeah, I I used to, I would say
not be so good with it.

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I think that my default is to go
and point out the problems with

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all the problems rather than the
opportunities with all the

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problems.
And now, just like business,

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just like work, falling in love
with the problem.

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If if you're not falling in love
with the problem, then you're,

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you're not going to last long,
right?

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Because there's always another
one.

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Yep, exactly.
And so I think that this is a

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wonderful opportunity for us to
grow as a family and really lean

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into the chaos that this
storming phase is creating for

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us.
Yeah, so if you're in a

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transition period at home, this
episode is for you.

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Yeah.
Or even if you just want to be

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in a transition period at home,
right?

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So specifically that we're going
to share 3 commitments that we

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are making right now in this
storming time when things are a

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bit messy and chaotic.
They're rooted in conscious

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leadership principles and my
favorite motto, making the

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implicit explicit, but they're
really all our own.

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And they're serving as our guide
right now as we really try to

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stay on course in the midst of a
lot of confusion, friction, lack

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of routine.
Fill in the blank, right?

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And so they are aligning
ourselves as leaders first,

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naming and embracing the chaos
and defining our expectations,

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but reality checking them first.
We need to lean into the messy

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and then we need to define what
good looks like yes.

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Absolutely.
And I think this is most

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important when we're in the
midst of transformation, because

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if we aren't making things
explicit, if we are relying on

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implicit assumptions, that means
that every tantrum, every dish

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in the sink, every mistake,
every conflict, it really feels

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like a failure of the system.
Yeah.

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Because the system is some
unsaid expectation.

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Whereas when we are doing the
work to make our culture

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explicit and naming that we are
in this messy storming phase

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right now.
And this is a crucial part of

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transformation.
This is where we can lean into

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the process and take stock of
things in an overarching way so

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that even when moments are
messy, we know that we have our

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true North.
Absolutely.

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Like what does that look like in
practice?

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How did you know?
We're we're in the middle of it.

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Take take us back maybe to where
we started.

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How how this got?
Started.

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For in this specific situation
with us not having a nanny.

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Yeah.
In this specific situation, I

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think we both noticed that there
were problems of success

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happening, growing pains
happening.

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So there was there were times
when our nanny didn't have

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anything to do, like consistent
long hours because the kids are

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at school and the house runs
relatively smoothly.

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And the children were showing us
needs for increased autonomy and

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responsibility that when you
have someone who you are paying

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to take care of your children
and take care of the house,

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we're going unmet.
For sure.

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And we we came together and and
made a mutual decision to make

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this break, if you will.
But I think what happened next

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is really like where the rubber
meets the road, right?

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Yeah, well, I didn't sleep for
the next month, even after we

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made the decision that we were
going to be letting our nanny

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go.
Yeah, you, you did not sleep for

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a good four weeks.
And three of those weeks were

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before we told the nanny.
And then after that, I think it

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was about like, what's to come.
And I think I said on our last

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podcast that we released that
you were living our lives as if

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we didn't have a nanny when we
still had two or three weeks

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left.
Yeah, I tend to and I think we

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aligned with our heads first.
Like practically financially

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from the children's perspective,
this makes sense.

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But this is a human being who
have come to love and who's

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like, really an important person
in our home over the past four

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years.
And aligning our hearts with our

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heads and with one another also
took some time.

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And I don't want to undersell
that this was a real

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conversation between you and me
and how our relationship is

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going to change.
And so now has changed without

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that third parent.
And what are we at risk of if

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we're if we don't start with
aligning the leaders, if we're

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just like, OK, family decision,
we're doing this like do we risk

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resentment?
Do we like what are what are we

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risking here?
All of the things, right?

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We risk resentment.
We risk anxiety and confusion.

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Yeah, we risk loneliness and
isolation.

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Because in, in the, in the
business world, the thing that I

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think about is like this is
like, I don't know M&A event

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where a company gets acquired.
And so as soon as the company

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gets acquired, like what happens
next, what the management does

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next is really important.
But the company the, the acquire

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ease will know if the management
is not aligned, like they can

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feel it, right?
And our kids would certainly

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feel it, yes, if we weren't
aligned and we didn't set the

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expectation that you and I
needed to spend a lot of time

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talking before we involved the
kids.

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Which is exactly what we did.
And I would say that this is

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actually like, probably the
first time that we've done that.

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So we're learning, Yeah.
Because when Jade was born,

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thankfully, Hunter was too
little to really notice.

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She probably felt the friction,
right?

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But we definitely, this caught
us off guard, right?

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We didn't know that everything
in our house was going to break.

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Moving from one child to two.
Moving from one child to 2.

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And so now we've learned a bit
from our past failings and

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mistakes and said, you know
what, we need to really align on

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what this means, especially for
the two of us And everything

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from who's taking out the trash
and watering the plants to let's

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acknowledge that there's been
very little kind of resentment

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opportunities for us when
someone else is doing the bulk

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of the child rearing, the child
load, right?

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I would say more of the more of
the resentment opportunities

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were around the management of
the.

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Yes, I think we've always held
space for them emotionally, but

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things like the pick up and drop
off or who's cleaning their

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dishes, which now they are
cleaning their own.

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No, and I'm really glad that we
spent the time aligning here

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because like my go to is just to
like start doing.

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I'm not very I'm not great at
like communicating and and

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forecasting or like pointing in
a direction saying, Hey, this is

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what I'm going to take on.
I'll just like run and like do

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things.
And that's that's what I've

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really learned about this
experience is the stop, the

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pause, the discussion about how
we divide this.

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Like you did such a great job of
saying, OK, like this is where

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I'm going to show up and this is
where I do not want to show up.

227
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:30,240
You didn't say like this is
where you need to show up.

228
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:31,840
You were like this is where I do
not what?

229
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:33,760
Did I say I don't want to show
up?

230
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:37,160
On well like things like you
know, I do not want to do the

231
00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:39,960
morning drop off yes, as you
didn't say you do the morning

232
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:41,240
drop off.
You were like, I do not want to

233
00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:43,480
do the morning drop off.
Yes, like you were like I need

234
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:47,360
that space and same same thing.
What we realized what I realized

235
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:50,560
yesterday with jiu jitsu where
I'm like, I'm looking at you and

236
00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:54,640
I'm like this is not your happy
place to like be doing this

237
00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:56,720
chauffeuring to a child's
activity.

238
00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:58,280
Like you could use that space
back.

239
00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:00,320
I will take that on.
Yeah, and thank you.

240
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:05,240
Yeah, totally right.
And so aligning ourselves as

241
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:09,480
leaders first, I'm, I'm proud of
us for getting that right this

242
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:12,120
time.
And I think it's an incredibly

243
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:14,520
important first.
Skill I'm working on in the

244
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:18,520
workplace too, you know, to be
honest, like just saying, hey,

245
00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:22,640
we need more time to communicate
or we need more time to, you

246
00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:25,560
know, decide on these factors
like, you know, we have too much

247
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,560
process.
Let's remove some, let's delete

248
00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:30,320
some so that we can figure out
what actually matters like that.

249
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:31,640
That's really what we're doing
here.

250
00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:35,000
We don't know what 6 months from
now is going to look like, and

251
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,160
that's OK.
Right.

252
00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:39,760
But we do know that you and I
need to over communicate with

253
00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:43,920
each other with the kids and
started that starts with like

254
00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:46,880
making sure that our ducks are
in a row before we even signal

255
00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:48,240
to the kids that anything's
changing.

256
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:50,680
Yes, exactly.
But then you also are touching

257
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:53,600
upon the second one, which is
naming and embracing the chaos,

258
00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:58,000
So accepting between the two of
us and then communicating when

259
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:01,040
the time is right, right, that
we are in the storming phase.

260
00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:08,120
And so naming out loud to the
children that you outgrew the

261
00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:10,800
need for a manager or a nanny,
right?

262
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:15,040
And so you've been promoted is
the best way that I could figure

263
00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:19,040
out to kind of show them that
this is a growth opportunity

264
00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:20,520
not.
You see what she did there?

265
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:23,400
She said.
You've been promoted to our

266
00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:27,920
three little children and like
you do not need a nanny anymore.

267
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,440
Instead of we are getting rid of
our nanny, you have to do the

268
00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:32,800
chores right?
Because that's the first thing

269
00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:35,320
that I like want to say, but I
don't really think that that's,

270
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:38,160
that's not appropriate, right?
Like that's not how I want to

271
00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:39,840
think about it.
I really do want to think about

272
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:43,720
it as a growth opportunity.
This is like they are going to

273
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:48,240
continue to grow and I want to
prepare the child for the past,

274
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:50,720
not prepare the path for the
child, right?

275
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:52,840
That is, that is a commitment
that we have.

276
00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:57,360
And so things like we changed
the alarm code and we let the

277
00:15:57,360 --> 00:16:00,400
kids choose what it would be,
right?

278
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:03,880
Because, well, it's a new circle
of trust in the house.

279
00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:08,880
Also, I gave Maverick a can
opener and he was so excited.

280
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:11,760
He's now the only child that
knows how to use a can opener.

281
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:15,040
But this was another idea that
came to me around, like giving

282
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:18,160
them new skill sets and giving
them different tools that they

283
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:22,400
can master during this time of
growth, for sure.

284
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:23,880
Yeah.
He's so excited that he knows

285
00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:26,640
how to use the can opener.
Jade's like, what's a can?

286
00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:30,960
What's a con opener?
She couldn't understand what he

287
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:32,560
was saying.
That's so funny.

288
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:36,920
So funny.
And then also yesterday we all

289
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:39,440
rode our bikes to school.
That was awesome.

290
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:45,120
I, I mean, I like first thing in
the morning is not the best time

291
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:49,000
to catch me with like a new
tweak on a routine because I'm,

292
00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:55,180
but I realized in the midst of
the morning routine, quote UN

293
00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:58,080
quote, that I had, I was going
through the motions because that

294
00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:02,080
was the easy thing to do.
And now I'm like wait I don't

295
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,079
need to do this or I can add
this in or I could.

296
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:05,800
Yeah, you're embracing the
chaos.

297
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:08,359
There's more room.
For play and so we got to ride

298
00:17:08,359 --> 00:17:12,119
bikes to school, which I saw as
such a hack because it skipped

299
00:17:12,119 --> 00:17:13,839
the car line at Mavericks
school.

300
00:17:13,839 --> 00:17:15,119
That was amazing.
Just.

301
00:17:15,119 --> 00:17:20,040
Like Rd., I saw it borderline
hazardous, risky play but so fun

302
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:23,960
and exhilarating also.
Well I I realize now if we do

303
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:27,079
that again I can ride him the
back way and it'll be much

304
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:28,560
safer.
Yeah, one day at a time.

305
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:31,320
We're figuring it out.
But that's that's the key.

306
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:37,040
I think one key aspect of naming
and embracing the chaos is doing

307
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:41,240
a lot of noticing and dare I say
documentation, which really

308
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:45,080
helps me personally.
I mean, our family meeting was

309
00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:48,640
long this weekend so much so
Hunter was like, mom, I think

310
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:50,800
this is getting getting a little
bit long.

311
00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:55,240
And I'm like, I agree with you.
And it's important because we do

312
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:58,800
have a big white piece of paper
right now talking about, you

313
00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:01,480
know, just in the spirit of
throwing a bunch of things

314
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,680
against the wall and seeing what
sticks.

315
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:08,160
We are documenting a lot of the
experiments that we're running

316
00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:12,040
and and seeking feedback from
the group on what we like and

317
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:17,280
what we don't like and what we
could possibly start adding into

318
00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:19,960
a potential routine down the
line.

319
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,960
So I don't know where she picked
this up, but my wife now has a

320
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:26,680
big poster board on our dining
room table that is split into

321
00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:31,960
quadrants of what is it?
Well, it's storming, forming and

322
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:33,640
norming and then the parking
lot.

323
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:37,240
What's the parking?
Lot The parking lot is something

324
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:40,080
that I learned from our
wonderful founder of Coco Plum,

325
00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:42,760
Melanie.
That is just, you know, when the

326
00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:46,120
people are talking about things
in Group discussion and we have

327
00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:49,600
no idea where this one point
should go, We put in the parking

328
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:51,240
lot for like.
I like that.

329
00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:55,400
Is that is that kind of like so?
Is that kind of like the too

330
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:57,760
hard pile?
Possibly cool?

331
00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:01,000
Possibly, but it's also not
necessarily too hard.

332
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,440
But probably just off topic,
right?

333
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:07,960
So I think I'm really annoying
right now in documenting, but

334
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:09,720
I'm doing a lot of experimenting
too.

335
00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:10,920
But.
That's what that's what over

336
00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:13,440
communication is.
Over communication is not just

337
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:16,160
talking, saying the same thing
over and over.

338
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:19,640
It's actually putting things in
place and referring to those

339
00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:21,600
artifacts, if you will.
Yes.

340
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:22,480
Right.
Yeah.

341
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:26,160
So we've made a half dozen
different recipes over the past

342
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:30,360
week, and I'm actively seeking
feedback on who likes them.

343
00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:33,600
How can we tweak them?
What do you like about them?

344
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:36,680
Speaking of which guys, if
you're interested, so Danielle

345
00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:42,080
used this as a hack to create an
on Christmas card where all of

346
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:45,320
the recipes that our family
makes meaning that mostly our

347
00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:47,960
nanny was making Danielle.
I started of course.

348
00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:50,800
So she was making it.
You came up with the recipes she

349
00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:53,240
was executing on it.
We had to remember how to do it.

350
00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:54,920
And you're like, here's an
opportunity.

351
00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:57,560
I'm going to make a Christmas
card that is our new Feld family

352
00:19:57,560 --> 00:19:59,600
recipe book.
So if anyone would like that

353
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:02,880
recipe book, please reach out,
e-mail us, text us, whatever.

354
00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:04,280
We'll send it to you.
It's pretty cool.

355
00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:06,240
Absolutely.
And I have no doubt with that.

356
00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:06,920
Thank you.
Yeah.

357
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:10,200
And I have no doubt that the
2026 edition will look very

358
00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:15,000
different.
Because AI will get better.

359
00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:17,440
Exactly.
That's it, yes.

360
00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:21,120
OK, So naming and embracing the
chaos, which right now really is

361
00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:25,040
what we're calling the storming
phase, where just about

362
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:28,560
everything feels messy and it is
so important for us to

363
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,120
communicate.
I don't know about your kids,

364
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:34,200
but for our kids in particular
that we are just trying this for

365
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:36,400
today.
This is an experiment.

366
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,200
It doesn't mean it's going to
stay this way.

367
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:41,480
So whether you like it or you
don't like it, give us feedback.

368
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,520
But this is not the new routine,
no.

369
00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:47,440
Correct there is.
Our children do a routine yet.

370
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,480
Yes, and our children take one
data point and then think they

371
00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:53,560
are going to do it every single
day for the rest of their life

372
00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:57,480
if they like it, right.
So naming that we rode bikes to

373
00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:59,840
school yesterday, that was
exciting.

374
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:04,320
I'm so glad everybody liked it.
We didn't do it today is really

375
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:07,240
important.
Yes, yes.

376
00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:10,040
And nipping that in the bud,
it's really.

377
00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:12,600
Important.
SO yes, name and embrace the

378
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:15,240
chaos.
Say out loud what what phase we

379
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:18,960
are in over communicate and
notice and document and take

380
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:22,520
feedback, right.
And then the third one is

381
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:27,040
defining expectations.
I would say defining and reality

382
00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:33,280
checking expectations.
Well, life is full of

383
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:36,600
expectations that go unmet.
And I think that for the most

384
00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:40,320
part, as children, we probably
think to ourselves, well, what

385
00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:44,760
we do when we make mom and dad
happy is the best thing that we

386
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:48,280
can do, right?
And that is not achievable

387
00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:52,760
because like the bar for us,
being happy should not be the

388
00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:55,360
expectation.
What good looks like cannot be

389
00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:58,480
that subjective.
And it's a really unsafe place

390
00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:01,880
if we create this environment
where our kids think that making

391
00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:04,800
us happy is the goal.
Right, Right.

392
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:07,040
Yeah.
Especially because what makes me

393
00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:09,600
happy on day seven of my cycle
is very different than on day

394
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:11,200
21.
She said it, not me.

395
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:15,760
Right.
And and I think it goes the same

396
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:20,520
for between the two of us.
I mean, we had an example 2 days

397
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:26,800
ago where where you were like,
OK, I have to make this call.

398
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:29,240
Is it OK if I make this call
right now because it's like

399
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:32,640
43445 Yeah.
And I was like, and you're like,

400
00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:35,600
I think I can be done by 5.
And I'm like, Oh no, fine.

401
00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:40,000
Like 5/15, 5:30 whatever you
need.

402
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:41,480
I got the kids.
Don't worry.

403
00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:46,280
Go, go take your call.
And then when you came back at

404
00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:47,960
like 5, she's.
Like you really shouldn't be

405
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:50,560
doing calls this late.
And I'm like, I agree with you,

406
00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:54,520
however extenuating
circumstances and we talked

407
00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:55,800
about this and you're like,
you're right.

408
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:57,640
I shouldn't have said that.
Please don't let me say those

409
00:22:57,880 --> 00:22:59,160
things again.
Yeah.

410
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:01,560
And so, and that's true and
that's very fair.

411
00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:04,520
No, but let's just be clear.
What I said was I shouldn't have

412
00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:10,480
said, oh, no problem, go take
that call like I.

413
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:13,720
And so maybe that's fair as a
wife, maybe that's not.

414
00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:20,840
But what I was really saying is
don't let me overextend myself

415
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:23,120
right?
And I need to get better at this

416
00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:26,400
myself but I'm asking you adult
to adult like can you please

417
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:29,920
help me not overextend myself?
And you did.

418
00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:32,760
That's why you are taking jiu
jitsu when you saw me like so

419
00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:35,840
miserable yesterday.
Well, let me let me put it this

420
00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:42,040
way, like the making mom happy
is not just day 7 versus day 21

421
00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:45,480
of your cycle.
I asked you a question at 4:15

422
00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:49,800
when the kids had just come
home, and the answer to that

423
00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:52,520
question at 5:00 would have been
dramatically different.

424
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:54,000
If I was like, can I have 15
minutes?

425
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:56,880
You'd be like, no, I need help
now versus at 4:15 you're like,

426
00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:59,160
I got this.
I know so.

427
00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:05,480
I think, I think it's a great,
it's a great reminder to us that

428
00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:07,360
we need to define what good
looks like.

429
00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:10,840
Yes, well, and it goes right
back to the over communicating

430
00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:12,560
and just naming they were in the
storming.

431
00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:18,160
That was my first afternoon with
the kids without on a weekday,

432
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:20,240
right?
And so I really didn't know what

433
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:23,840
I needed.
And so I, I now know that when

434
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:27,440
someone offers me help, I should
probably take it, especially

435
00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:30,760
when it's you.
So the thing I want to think

436
00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:36,240
about around defining
expectations is that I know that

437
00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:40,720
it's ironic, but I guess not
that surprising because this has

438
00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:44,680
been my biggest blind spot, but
it also was my biggest trigger

439
00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:47,880
as a child.
So when we would have my parents

440
00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:51,720
had a lot of dinner parties
growing up and there was a lot

441
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:54,760
of trepidation and anxiety in
the home before a big dinner

442
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:56,560
party, which I think is is
pretty normal.

443
00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:03,000
And so I would be asked to do
things like set the table or

444
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:06,200
light the candles, put out the
placemats, things like that.

445
00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:10,480
But I wouldn't necessarily know
how it was supposed to be done.

446
00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:17,160
And a lot of times I would want
to help, but it would look like

447
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:20,840
I didn't because I didn't know
how to do it properly.

448
00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:24,320
And I would be, I would get
yelled at for not doing it

449
00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:28,360
properly.
And that was really hard for me

450
00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:29,840
as a kid.
And I think there was a real

451
00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:32,760
disconnect in skill building
there.

452
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:37,360
And yet especially, you know,
these past couple weeks, I

453
00:25:37,360 --> 00:25:41,240
realized that I have
particularly with Hunter as the

454
00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:44,760
oldest, but also with Jade and
not really at all with Maverick.

455
00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:49,280
It like expectations on how they
should remember to push in their

456
00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:52,840
chair and put their plates in
the dishwasher when I haven't

457
00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:57,080
set that expectation and set and
made time to skill build with

458
00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:59,000
that.
And with each of them, because

459
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:03,120
the way that each one does
something is going to be most

460
00:26:03,120 --> 00:26:05,640
likely at a different level.
Yes, absolutely.

461
00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:08,680
So what good looks like is not
about making mom and dad happy,

462
00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:11,920
it's about this is what good
looks like for you as an 8 year

463
00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:13,240
old, as a six year old, as a
four.

464
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:15,920
Year old.
And so we've been working more

465
00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:19,200
recently.
I have definitely apologized to

466
00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:23,040
Hunter and to Jade for not
making things more explicit, not

467
00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:25,400
making my expectations of them
more explicit.

468
00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:28,800
And we've been working on skill
building as far as what we

469
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:32,920
expect of them and that has come
alongside Allowance, right?

470
00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:36,040
And so this is something for
another episode and that we're

471
00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:39,480
very new to, but we are trying
Allowance again.

472
00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:41,640
Yeah.
I mean, it's low stakes, but

473
00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:45,280
it's good for them to feel like
they're getting something, at

474
00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:49,760
least when we talk about the
savings of not having full time.

475
00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:52,120
That's right.
That some of that we can pass

476
00:26:52,120 --> 00:26:54,840
along to them.
Yes, exactly.

477
00:26:54,960 --> 00:27:01,400
So yeah, I think making clear to
ourselves and then to the other

478
00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:04,920
members of our family what what
our expectations are in this

479
00:27:04,920 --> 00:27:08,560
time is really important.
And of course, especially with

480
00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:12,440
you and between you and me, they
can be subject to change, right?

481
00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:16,400
I actively want to seek feedback
from you on whether or not my

482
00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:20,040
expectations are realistic and
vice versa.

483
00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:23,040
Yeah, totally.
They will have to submit all

484
00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:24,440
expenses by the end of the
month.

485
00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:28,000
I think I could do that for
them, unfortunately.

486
00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:30,760
OK, great.
So I think that's it.

487
00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:35,880
Those are those are really our
three places that we are staying

488
00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:39,880
rooted and focusing on during
this time of storming.

489
00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:43,840
So aligning ourselves as leaders
first, naming and embracing the

490
00:27:43,840 --> 00:27:48,520
chaos and defining and reality
checking our expectations.

491
00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:51,440
Yeah.
And when roles change, this is

492
00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:53,640
what every team is going to go
through, right?

493
00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:58,160
So we're here to support our
team, our family as a team and

494
00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:01,000
really think about what they
need in these moments.

495
00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:05,080
But being more than anything
observant and nimble and ready

496
00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:09,800
to write down new things in the
four quadrants as they show up,

497
00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:14,200
as opposed to this is what the
new normal looks like week two

498
00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:15,760
of nine.
Which we just can't do right

499
00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:17,280
now.
Exactly which we cannot do.

500
00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:22,400
So if you walk into our house
right now, you might see a sink

501
00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:26,560
that's full of dishes, right?
Or hear a debate about allowance

502
00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:28,840
because there's already been
some active ones.

503
00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:32,560
And honestly, you might catch us
in the middle of a storm, right?

504
00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:39,320
But I don't think that you will
see us panicking because we know

505
00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:44,440
that this turbulence is a sign
of a system, not one that's

506
00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:47,640
failing, but one that's priming
for growth.

507
00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:51,680
Right?
And ultimately, the storming is

508
00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:55,400
just a phase.
But like, soon enough, we'll

509
00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:57,280
have our routine set.
Yeah.

510
00:28:57,280 --> 00:29:02,400
But right now, we're building
the muscle for future times of

511
00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:05,920
transformation.
And it's so important to me that

512
00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:10,160
we work together and build
connection during this time,

513
00:29:12,560 --> 00:29:17,760
align our heads and hearts, name
the chaos and be realistic about

514
00:29:17,760 --> 00:29:22,920
our expectations so that we can
know when there is a future

515
00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:26,240
upgrade opportunity.
Whether that's because a loved

516
00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:32,480
one is falling ill or somebody's
going to college, you know that

517
00:29:33,040 --> 00:29:35,560
we know how to.
We know how to be in these

518
00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:40,600
moments and how to stay grounded
even when there's a lot of chaos

519
00:29:40,600 --> 00:29:42,600
around us.
If we follow what we've done

520
00:29:42,600 --> 00:29:45,280
here, we're going to be OK.
Yes, absolutely.

521
00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:48,040
So thank you everybody for
listening.

522
00:29:48,040 --> 00:29:52,880
We hope that you can take away
some ideas to put into practice

523
00:29:52,880 --> 00:29:57,920
in your home as you are
transforming and happy 2026.

524
00:29:57,920 --> 00:29:59,520
Yeah, it's.
Going to be a great year.

525
00:29:59,680 --> 00:30:00,760
That's right.
Love you, goosey.

526
00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:04,880
Love you, goosey.
Hey guys, if you're still here,

527
00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:06,560
you're definitely our kind of
person.

528
00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:09,560
Thanks for sending this time
with us on The Most Important

529
00:30:09,560 --> 00:30:12,080
Thing.
If this episode resonated with

530
00:30:12,080 --> 00:30:14,560
you, we'd love for you to follow
us wherever you get your

531
00:30:14,560 --> 00:30:16,720
podcasts and share it with
someone else.

532
00:30:16,720 --> 00:30:18,480
Building family culture on
purpose.