TMIT 44: Equality ≠ Symmetry — Who Decides When We Disagree?

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Welcome back to The Most
Important Thing.

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I'm Danielle.
And I'm Greg, and together we're

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exploring family, culture and
leadership at home.

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And today, we're talking about
power.

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Power.
In particular, in a partnership

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of equals, what does it really
mean to hold the power and how

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did decisions get made?
Yeah.

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And so a few months back in
Episode 28, we talked about our

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shared systems, I believe we
called it, how we divide conquer

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and connect, right, stand up,
quarterly investment meeting,

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annual vision setting.
And so that's how we stay

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aligned in the day-to-day.
But today we wanted to go a

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layer deeper because it's
something that's coming up for

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us quite a bit.
And we're talking about when a

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real decision has to be made.
Who decides and why?

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Yeah.
Well, even though we're a

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partnership of equals, right, we
can't always have an equal say

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in things because one of us has
a lot more on the line than the

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other.
For sure.

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And I think especially as we are
in a period of transition right

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now where we have let go of her
nanny and absorbed a lot of the

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responsibilities that used to be
handled by her.

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Many things have been
redistributing.

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And so there have been kind of
there's been a power vacuum.

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I don't want to say power has
been up for grabs because it's

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not like I don't think either of
us are are chasing after more

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things to do around here.
Definitely not, but it's the,

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you know, the team has changed
it in composition and therefore

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some of us have to step into
different roles at times, right?

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Yeah, I like to think of a
baseball analogy, especially as

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it relates to the children and
really like our social life.

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I think that prior to this, you
and I were both the GMs and the

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Sky box, right?
And we were delegating a lot and

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really directing how activities
would happen.

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But now I have shifted to being
the manager on the field.

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I'm spending a lot more of my
time coaching and actually being

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in the game.
And sometimes being the janitor

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and.
Sometimes being the game, right?

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And in this time, the genesis of
this episode and how we really

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started thinking about the power
dynamics is because a couple

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weekends ago there was a
birthday party that you felt

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really strongly the day of that
we should not attend.

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And there was a lot of emotion
that you were carrying, right?

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It was the way that our child
acts around this person and

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whether she becomes that kids
energy mirrors.

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More than anything, a
relationship between our

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daughter and another child has
brought up feelings in me about

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a a relationship that felt
imbalanced when I was growing up

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and what I would have wanted to
know back then that I know now.

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And my simple heuristic was we
need to zoom out.

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We can't invest in this
relationship without seeing the

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world for so many other kids, so
many other potential

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friendships, even if they don't
go to this school.

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But that's not how you presented
right that morning.

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How I presented that morning was
I'm frustrated by the the way

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that you show up because of this
person and this person's energy

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is very confusing to this
household.

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And so therefore.
You're going, therefore you're

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not going.
And so, you know, we've had a

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couple of moments like this
before, but what I started to

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really get curious about, and
the reason why I think it's an

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important topic is because you
were adamant that we should,

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that we were not going, that we
should not go.

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And I disagreed, but also like
knew that like you weren't going

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to win this argument because I
have the power when it comes to

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ultimately deciding on what
social activities we're doing

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with the children right now.
And why is that right?

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And so it was a little bit
confusing for the kids, 'cause

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they're like, Daddy says we're
not going and he feels really

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strongly about it.
But Mommy's saying like, don't

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worry, Daddy's just having a lot
of feelings, like we're going,

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right?
And that it was confusing even

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to me in the moment.
I'm like, how do I hold space

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for Greg while ultimately making
a decision for our family that

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I, as the person who holds the
responsibility and can kind of

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see the whole system, may make a
different choice?

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Yeah.
And and I think after the fact,

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what I realized is that in that
moment, I wasn't so concerned

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about winning or losing that
decision, but I just wanted to

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know that I mattered, that my
voice mattered there.

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And so how do I accept the L
while still holding my my sense

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of dignity?
So that's what we're going to

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get into today.
Based on the research of John

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Gottman's Relationships and
Family Systems Theory, we are

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going to share 3 simple
principles that we are using in

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our marriage today to design
decision making in a way that

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keeps us aligned, hopefully
avoids resentment and makes us

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feel good in the moment.
So the three principles are

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equality does not equal
symmetry, learning how to accept

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influence and circle back, and
to recognize that roles are

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explicit today and yet must be
revisitable over time for sure.

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So shall we unpack them?
Let's do it.

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OK, great.
So the first one is equality

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does not mean symmetry.
And I think most of us in

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relationships know that, right,
that we can be a partnership of

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equals, but that our realms of
influence are different, right?

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And some just acknowledging that
sometimes, you know, there are

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areas of our marriage where you
hold more of the power.

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And key to this, though, what
we're realizing is that

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authority must live where
responsibility lives in order to

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have a healthy, stable system.
And what we mean by

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responsibility here is really
who's going to feel the weight

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of what happens next?
Who's the one that's tracking

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the variables?
Who's carrying the load?

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Who's really truly carrying the
load and absorbing the

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consequences, both in our family
and in the community?

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Right.
Yeah, it's a, it was a great

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awareness to to redefine power
and authority with the the

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consequence as opposed to the
like who's who cares about it

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more or who's got believability
in that domain or anything like

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that.
It's really about the

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consequence.
So you mean going back to the

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going back to the birthday party
example, you're saying that I

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would really bear the brunt of
the consequences of our family

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not showing?
Up.

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For that other family, right.
And so I but going back to our

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natural system, I do think that
we have like a pretty good

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natural system already where I
think travel's a great example,

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right?
Where I say, Greg, this is like

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the general time where the kids
are off of break, where I feel

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it's a lot of feel and emotion,
right, that we're going to need

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to take a vacation.
And here's the general area of

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the world that I want to go to.
And this is what I need the vibe

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to be.
And then you get to work.

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That's right.
And I so appreciate that.

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And you figure out what's our
budget and what's in our budget

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and the logistics of how we're
going to get there, where we're

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going to stay, what gear we're
going to bring, right?

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And it's this dynamic
conversation that unfolds around

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what might be within our budget
versus what's in our vibe,

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right?
And that's kind of the back and

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forth that we've naturally
landed upon.

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Yes.
And I would also say you are

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the, you're the final arbiter
when it comes to financial.

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Right.
Sure.

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How we're going to get there,
how we're going to, where we're

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going to stay?
How?

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How much it's going to cost?
How much?

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It's going to cost.
Yes, exactly.

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So that has been a really, I
think a a great opportunity for

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us to play to our own strengths,
right.

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But I think it's really social
is the one that's come up for

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us.
And maybe this is 1.

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I would think for a lot of
couples and a lot of families

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that maybe one of the partners
runs more of the social

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calendar, say it's the wife that
runs, but that the husband

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probably has a lot of opinions
as well.

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Or at least if you're anything
like my husband, you have a lot

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of opinions on who we spend our
time with.

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And rightfully so and rightfully
so.

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And so.
But if I am the one that

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ultimately absorbs the
consequences of where our family

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shows up and where we are
spending our time versus not,

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then this has to reside like I
have to have the final decision.

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But, and this is number 2, it's
equally as important to accept

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influence and to really hear
what you have to say about those

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decisions in order for us to
maintain the emotional integrity

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of the system.
Yeah.

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No, I in, in these
conversations, as long as I am

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feeling like my voice is heard,
I can accept that you have the

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final decision because you're
holding space for me in those

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conversations as you make the
decision and you're playing back

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what you heard, how it's
impacting the decision and where

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you're going as a result of that
or in, in the face of that.

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Right.
And so I think it's important to

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note that equal partners do not
make every decision together,

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but it is my hope that we can
design a system that takes both

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of us fully into account.
Yeah.

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I think we should talk, we
should double click, as they

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say, talk a little bit more
about how we can accept

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influence and make space for the
other person's feelings.

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Like, I know that you really
wanted to be taken seriously and

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to know that your inner world
mattered.

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And I think that this is the
most important thing that we do

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in front of our children, right?
Because it was very confusing

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for the girls, in particular
Mavericks kind of a little bit

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oblivious to these things at
four years old still.

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But it was very confusing to the
girls as to how this was going

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to play out, given you had very
strong emotions.

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But I had the decision making
power.

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And so how can we, how can we
really make the accepting

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influence piece explicit within
our family?

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And what we did was that that
that birthday party happened

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over the weekend, but on Monday
morning, as soon as, you know,

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when we were you and I were
eating breakfast after the kids

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had gone on Monday morning, we
got out the whiteboard just for

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you and me, right?
And really tried and I really

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tried to understand what it is
that is bothering you.

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And I think some of it certainly
was like this child's energy

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rubbing off on our kids.
And and there's some of that.

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Yeah, sure.
But there was there was more and

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you want to share a bit more
about what came up for you then?

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For sure.
So first about the birthday

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party.
The feelings that came up for me

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were about my childhood.
I grew up in a small town and

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the impact on me about how big
the world was didn't show up

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until I really zoomed out much
later in life and saw that the

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kids that I was going to school
with we're not the end all be

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all of my existence.
And what I really want for

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Hunter.
Especially given that we live in

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such a an amazing multi faceted
community where there's lots of

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kids that are in the
neighborhood, but not all of

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them go to the same school.
Because there's for lots of

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reasons that zooming out on the
weekends and not spending all,

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all of her time with the same
six kids on the weekends is

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really going to be a benefit to
her.

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Because it's going to make her
feel more unbothered if things

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happen at school.
Because she knows that she has

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these friends in other places.
And I thought that was really

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important.
Yeah.

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So we made a decision that we're
going to start to emphasize

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hanging out with neighborhood
kids outside of school.

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Easy check.
Done.

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The other thing that I heard you
say in that conversation was

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that you felt as though your
parents kept you spending time

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with kids that were mean to you
because they were in the

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community.
Or maybe your parents liked

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their parents and that that
really didn't feel good to you

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looking back upon this.
Yeah, thanks for bringing that

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up.
I, I forgot about that.

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And that is very true.
What I didn't like growing up

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was how I was forced into into
time with kids that I didn't

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want to spend time with because
of either.

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We went to the, you know, not
only did we go to the same

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school where we were guaranteed
to spend time, but then it was

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after school sports, it was on
the weekends at the at the club

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or, you know, playing tennis or
at camps.

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And, and it was just the same
set of kids because of the same

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relationships.
And I just didn't want that for

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our family.
Can may I just ask like, did you

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00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:36,360
express this to your parents do
you think or you just didn't

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even know?
I didn't know.

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You didn't know that the world
was.

234
00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:40,480
Bigger I didn't know than the
set of.

235
00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:43,400
Kids that you socialized with
both in and out of school,

236
00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:46,040
correct.
And So what you're hoping is

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that we can Fast forward that
process a little bit for our

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kids and teach them earlier on
that the world is way bigger

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than the children in your class.
Yeah, for sure.

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I mean, not just bigger than the
kids in the class, but bigger

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00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:06,880
than this state, than this, you
know, country like you and I are

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00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:10,000
connecting with people all over
right now because of this

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00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:15,000
podcast that are living out
their values and that are

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structuring families differently
than we ever have thought about

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00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:23,920
before.
I also hear you wanting to help

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00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:27,440
our children avoid the pain that
you experienced.

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00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:31,480
Yeah, of course.
I know, and I don't know that

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that's possible, but I know that
that is a that's a beautiful

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00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:38,280
sentiment as their father.
I don't think it's it's as much

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00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:42,120
about avoiding the pain, but
it's being less bothered by it.

251
00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:47,600
Yeah, I see that you really
don't want them to be bothered

252
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,760
by the children they go to
school with.

253
00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:54,440
Because that will create a shift
in power.

254
00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:58,120
So This is why I know.
That's what you.

255
00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:02,800
Think if you show up as
unbothered in school you have

256
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:08,800
the power because someone that
is trying to get your goat is

257
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:12,600
not going to be able to anymore
because you don't care.

258
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:16,560
Yeah, maybe.
I don't know, I never tried

259
00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:18,520
that.
I'm I'm still working on the

260
00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:22,760
unbothered aspect of things and
not reacting to everything that

261
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:25,480
I noticed.
And I definitely was very

262
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:29,000
bothered in elementary school,
so TBD.

263
00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:33,040
But I I hear you yearning for
that for our kids.

264
00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:35,320
And I think this is not our
first conversation about this

265
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:39,360
topic, but I also believe that
pain is the touchstone of

266
00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:45,920
spiritual growth and that we
have to let them get messy and

267
00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:49,560
learn things for themselves,
even if these are lessons that

268
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:54,080
we have already learned.
Yeah, I think that growing up is

269
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:58,920
so peer centered and the way to
show up with more confidence

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00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:02,560
wherever you, wherever you are
as a child is to have people

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00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:05,920
that you look forward to
spending time with that are not

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00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:08,040
people that are giving you
angst.

273
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:12,240
Yeah.
And that to me is the most

274
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:14,360
important thing about creating
friendships.

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00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:18,600
It's ones that even if you see
them once a year, that you look

276
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:21,360
forward to that, to that
interaction versus that you

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00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:25,160
dread what you might do in front
of them or what might happen or

278
00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:30,240
what they might say or who they
might gang up on you with, but

279
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:32,960
that you have no other choice.
And so you go throughout life

280
00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:37,920
with these children living rent
free in your head, and you're

281
00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:42,440
not able to study for, you know,
the test or focus on, you know,

282
00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:45,160
what's actually really good in
your life because these thoughts

283
00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:47,880
keep coming up.
Yeah, it's so hard.

284
00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:52,680
Can I be really honest?
Yeah, I think you're projecting

285
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:55,320
a bit.
I I don't think we're there yet.

286
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:58,080
And that's not to say that we
couldn't be.

287
00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:00,760
And I want to accept your
influence in this conversation

288
00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:03,560
as well and say like, great,
like let's look out for that.

289
00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:08,400
But I don't think that we are
currently there with our 86 or 4

290
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:11,200
year olds.
I think you and I have had

291
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:15,480
different experiences.
It sounds like yours was pretty

292
00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:22,640
pervasive and persistent.
Whereas I by and large, like the

293
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:27,480
same friends that I really felt
nourished by for many years of

294
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:33,720
my life also were brutal, bitter
enemies at other times of my

295
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:37,000
life.
And so it was really just

296
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:44,400
learning that relationships have
different seasons and that, I

297
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:47,440
mean, some of these girls are
still some of my best friends

298
00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:48,760
today.
I get like a little choked up

299
00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:50,720
thinking about it, you know, And
like, we've been through a lot,

300
00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:52,520
right?
We've been through a lot.

301
00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:55,560
So I think we both have
different perspectives.

302
00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:59,760
And it, it remains to be seen.
But this is what the accepting

303
00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:04,880
influence piece is all about.
Is that, like I, I think that

304
00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:07,800
we've taken Gottman's definition
and really expanded it for, for

305
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:09,760
what it's worth, I think
Gottman's definition of

306
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:14,480
accepting influence is primarily
about men hearing women's

307
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,760
opinions, is my understanding of
it truly.

308
00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:21,080
And it's really about allowing
them to have any type of say in

309
00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:24,720
the decision making.
But I'm, I'm leveraging the term

310
00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:30,480
and extending it here because in
the same way that we set aside

311
00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:34,800
time to intentionally hold space
for our children when something

312
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:38,720
is coming up, some coming coming
out sideways around the

313
00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:43,240
behavior, what you expressed the
other weekend really seemed so.

314
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:45,080
And there's just a lot wrapped
up into it.

315
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:50,400
And I do think that it's my job
as your partner to, you know,

316
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:53,600
not throw a grenade into our
community by saying new fields

317
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:57,720
are not doing this thing.
But to really hear where you're

318
00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:02,120
coming from, say, and I haven't
said this explicitly yet, but

319
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:04,160
I'm sorry that you went through
that.

320
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:08,120
And it hurts my heart for a
little, Greg, that that was your

321
00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:12,000
experience.
Thank you, Anna, and I promise

322
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:15,560
to work with you to look out for
our kids in that way.

323
00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:20,120
They're going to need it.
Maybe I don't.

324
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:27,320
Know being being precocious does
not get you friends, it gets you

325
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:32,360
attention and attention is what
sucks the air out of the room of

326
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:34,800
others that they try to get back
through other ways.

327
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:40,760
I think we make a great team.
I think that we will strike a

328
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:42,240
good balance.
Oh, totally.

329
00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:47,200
I am much more a prepare the
child for the path, not prepare

330
00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:51,480
the path for the child.
And so I'm, I really want to

331
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:56,560
believe that we can support the
kids as things come up and that

332
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:58,840
we can have strong enough
relationships that they can

333
00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:01,560
share things with us.
But what I don't want to do, and

334
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:05,400
the one thing I would caution US
against, given how strongly you

335
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:12,160
feel about this, is trying to
work overtime to protect them

336
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:19,280
from harm so that they never get
to have necessary experiences

337
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:24,800
and, and, and really grow.
Through them and and work

338
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:27,960
through them themselves.
Totally.

339
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:34,360
OK, so more to be revealed
around this one dynamic with as

340
00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:38,920
our children get older, how to
support them in skill building

341
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:42,080
without overprotecting them from
harm.

342
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:47,080
But between the two of us, I'm
happy to sit with you and spend

343
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:51,400
time holding space for you and,
and understanding why this is

344
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:55,240
triggering you so much.
And then together with me as the

345
00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:57,840
ultimate decision maker, we can
decide what gets filtered down

346
00:20:57,840 --> 00:20:59,280
to our children.
Absolutely right.

347
00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:03,560
So again, I believe that we are
really extending the John

348
00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:08,080
Gottman term of accepting
influence here, probably because

349
00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:11,680
I'm a woman and, and I really do
believe in holding space for

350
00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:13,520
emotions.
But I know that you and I have

351
00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:17,600
agreed upon this idea of
accepting influence and

352
00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:20,080
understanding each other's
emotions and then agreeing to

353
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:23,920
circle back, right?
And making sure that the

354
00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:30,520
decisions that I have ultimately
made with your influence work

355
00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:32,520
for you.
And if they don't like, how can

356
00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:36,760
we continue to calibrate so that
we are more aligned right?

357
00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:42,000
And so we set forth that you
want to, you want our family to

358
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:45,040
spend more time with people that
are not that don't go to school

359
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:47,960
with us so that we can really
zoom out as you say.

360
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:51,520
And I hope you feel like we've
been doing that subsequently.

361
00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:53,800
And I've been great.
And that's the way that I've

362
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:55,600
been accepting the influence.
Yes, right.

363
00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:59,800
Thank you.
It's really just mapping out who

364
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:01,320
those people are.
Felt so good.

365
00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:03,200
I know it did.
That's what the white board is

366
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:06,120
for and it's not, it's not a
perfect science.

367
00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:07,400
And we will continue to
calibrate.

368
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,000
And that doesn't mean we're
never going to spend time with

369
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:11,280
people that go to their school.
But I know that you just, you

370
00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:13,960
wanted an opportunity to
diversify and I hear you.

371
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:18,200
So accepting influence and
circling back to make sure that

372
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,760
we stay aligned and that we're
progressing in the right

373
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:23,640
direction.
And then the third one is that

374
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:27,720
roles must be explicit, but also
revisitable.

375
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:31,520
And so it's this balance right
between we know where we are

376
00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:38,040
today and we have to make sure
to occasionally revisit these

377
00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:41,760
ideas and make sure that we are
not locking ourselves into

378
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:44,280
permanent roles.
I started family meeting with

379
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:47,920
this story about don't make me
try to remember it, but it's

380
00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:51,160
about ancient Rome and how
during times of struggle, they

381
00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:54,040
put powerful people in that were
really good at particular

382
00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:55,320
things.
They would say, we're only

383
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:57,200
putting them in for a little bit
of time, we're going to pull

384
00:22:57,200 --> 00:22:59,160
them back.
And they never did because they

385
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:02,240
forgot how to do these things as
a society.

386
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:06,920
And so we talked with the kids
just about like how people see

387
00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:11,080
you and what are the things that
you wish people would see more

388
00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:12,920
of like?
What are your current roles?

389
00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:17,320
And I thought that was a really
great exercise for for them all

390
00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:21,160
to name the ways that they
believe that they show up in the

391
00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:23,000
world that maybe people aren't
noticing.

392
00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:26,200
It was, it was great.
And then last weekend we did it

393
00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:31,320
for the two of us, right, which
was a great reminder from one of

394
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:33,240
my friends that we should
probably include the two of us

395
00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:36,200
there too.
And yeah, I think it's that's

396
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:37,840
actually a wonderful.
We haven't talked about

397
00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:41,080
experiments in a while, but if,
if I may offer our listeners an

398
00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:45,200
experiment, it was really fun to
really talk with each person

399
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:51,160
about what we notice about them
and what they wished we noticed

400
00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:52,840
more of.
Yeah.

401
00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:56,240
Right, so great.
Feel like I've been a little

402
00:23:56,240 --> 00:24:00,560
like somber on this topic and I,
I actually really like this.

403
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:06,360
I think that knowing that we
have a a way to have a

404
00:24:06,360 --> 00:24:12,760
conversation about anything,
Name whose decision it is, name

405
00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:16,800
for the other person to have
their voice heard, name that we

406
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:20,240
will hold space for that, talk
about how the decision gets made

407
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:25,280
and circle back and then revisit
these roles of authority over

408
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:28,400
time.
That feels like a huge win.

409
00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:30,680
Yeah, it does.
And that's why we're sharing it,

410
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:33,560
right?
So a partnership of equals, what

411
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:36,920
does it really mean?
Authority aligned with

412
00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:40,880
responsibility.
Emotional legitimacy for both

413
00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:44,280
people and roles that evolve as
life changes.

414
00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:50,280
We forgot one thing, a huge
thing, that when we have space

415
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:54,720
for hearing the other in a
position where authority is

416
00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:58,880
named and the other is held
space for, and we circle back,

417
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:04,000
we are in the best position of
all to disagree and commit.

418
00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:08,920
Ah yes, it's true.
When we hold the space and we

419
00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:12,080
circle back, that is what
creates the feelings of

420
00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:15,320
psychological safety.
And exactly and we are on the

421
00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:17,520
same team.
This person has my best

422
00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:20,720
interests at heart that allows
me to disagree and commit.

423
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:22,600
Bingo.
Yeah, that's.

424
00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:24,000
What it's all about.
Got to get those.

425
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:25,920
Hats, I will always disagree and
commit with you.

426
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:28,080
Me too.
Ditto.

427
00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:29,720
That's that's a good commitment
to.

428
00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:31,640
Me it is.
And if we're not willing to

429
00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:33,920
disagree and commit, then we
need to work on something.

430
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:36,160
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, it's a it's a good

431
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:38,920
harbinger.
If we disagree and commit, we

432
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:41,560
don't need to be keeping score.
There's no score to keep.

433
00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:42,880
Exactly.
Yeah, cuz we're on the same

434
00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:44,080
team.
That's right.

435
00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:45,280
Well said, Greg.
It's true.

436
00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:46,800
Thanks.
OK, great.

437
00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:51,360
So until next time, let us know
what you notice about your

438
00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:55,080
family members and what do you
wish that more people noticed in

439
00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:56,000
you.
Love you, goosey.

440
00:25:56,000 --> 00:26:00,160
Love you, goosey.
Hey guys, if you're still here,

441
00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:01,840
you're definitely our kind of
person.

442
00:26:02,320 --> 00:26:04,840
Thanks for spending this time
with us on The Most Important

443
00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:07,360
Thing.
If this episode resonated with

444
00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:09,840
you, we'd love for you to follow
us wherever you get your

445
00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:12,000
podcasts and share it with
someone else.

446
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:13,720
Building family culture on
purpose.