May 29, 2025
TMIT 11: Worthiness
🎙️ Episode 11: Worthiness
In our newest episode— Worthiness —we’re continuing our journey through Brené Brown’s Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto .
📜 “I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness.”
🌱 Worthiness = A grounded feeling and core belief that says, “I deserve to take up space in this world.”
This one hits close to home.
We have a child who is easygoing, adaptable, the family peacemaker. And yet—we’re learning that those same qualities can lead her to shrink. To accommodate. To keep the peace and stifle her wants.
So this week we’re asking:
- How do we raise kids who believe they are worthy—without needing to be helpful, quiet, agreeable, or easy to love?
- How do we help them trust that it’s safe to rock the boat and still belong?
🎧 In this episode, we talk about:
- How worthiness differs from loved and lovable
- Why adaptable ≠low need
- The invisible ways some people learn to disappear—and how we as a family can support them in claiming space
Each person in our family deserves to know they don’t have to earn their place. They belong—not because they’re easy or exceptional—but simply because they’re here.
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Welcome to The Most Important
Thing.
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I'm Danielle DeMarco Neufeld.
And I'm Greg Neufeld, and
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together we're exploring how
ambitious busy families can
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build culture at home.
Because after all, family is the
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most important thing.
Hi, Greg.
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Hey, Danielle, how's it going?
It's going great, yes.
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So today we are talking about
worthiness, specifically from
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the second paragraph of Brene
Brown's Wholehearted Parenting
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Manifesto.
Would you like to read this
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part?
Sure.
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It goes.
I want you to engage with the
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world from a place of
worthiness.
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You will learn that you are
worthy of love and belonging and
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joy every time you see me.
Practice self compassion and
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embrace my own imperfections.
Beautiful.
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So last episode we talked about
loved and lovable and attempted
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to distinguish between them.
We talked about loved as a
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feeling coming towards me, a
feeling that someone is deeply
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here for me and sees me, and
then lovable as a feeling within
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me, part of my identity where I
believe I am worthy of love just
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as I am.
And so today we are introducing
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1/3 similar but distinguishable
concept of worthiness, which is
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a grounded feeling and core
belief that says I deserve to
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take up space in this world.
I think that lovable is at the
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heart of worthiness, but that
worthiness is more broad.
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It says I deserve it all to have
the full human experience.
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I'm worthy of love, belonging,
and joy and everything else in
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this world.
I am here to claim my place,
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starting with my place in my
family.
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And so today I want to talk
about worthiness as a way of
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engaging with the world.
Yeah, I really love this
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distinction because when we say
I want my kids to feel loved, we
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usually mean all three.
And I think the hardest one to
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show it's worthiness.
Worthiness is less about
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gestures.
That's more tone, consistency
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and space.
Especially space.
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Yeah, I keep coming back to this
idea of taking up space,
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claiming your space, which is
funny.
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Every time I think about that, I
think about the astronauts
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planting the US flag on the
moon.
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We are here, right?
I am here.
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I am worthy of taking up space
in this world, and I believe
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that the most important thing
about engaging with the world
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from a place of worthiness is
that each person in our family
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deserves to know that they don't
have to earn their place.
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It really comes down to
belonging.
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They know that they belong not
because they're easygoing or
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exceptional in some way, but
simply because they're here and
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that it is our job to show them
that belonging holds steady even
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when they make mistakes or have
big feelings.
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They have this inalienable right
to be here.
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So in thinking about how to
frame this episode and set the
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context window, if you will,
Greg, I started thinking about
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worthiness in our family.
And I would say that most of us
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have a very strong sense, a very
strong sense of I deserve to
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take up space in this world.
I will admit I do not have a
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problem here.
Yeah, Nope.
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Me either.
And neither do Hunter or
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Maverick or even Winston.
Would you agree?
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I would agree.
Winston is our 8 year old
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cockapoo, which I don't think
we've mentioned him before, but
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he is our first born love of our
life who typically sits at our
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feet while we are podcasting.
That's right, he's here right
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now.
And he is also not afraid to
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make himself known.
No, he's not.
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Yeah, but there's one person who
I think struggles with this a
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bit, and that is our middle
daughter, Jade.
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Yeah, Jade.
So let's talk about Jade for a
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little bit.
She's actually one of our
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favorite things to talk about
because she's magical.
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Truly.
She's silly and warm and playful
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in a way that I admire so
deeply.
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You and I both say that she is
our greatest inspiration.
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She is.
And her friends adore her.
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The feedback that I get from
Jade as a friend is unlike any
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I've received for myself or for
Hunter.
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And I don't know about you,
Greg, but I would imagine for
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you too.
It's not just because she's
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goofy, but because she's so
truly nice.
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Yeah, she really is truly nice,
and she's also really resilient.
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After she gets hurt, she'll come
over, she'll get a hug, but then
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she'll take that hug and say OK,
I'm done now and go back better
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than ever.
And when she's alone, her joyful
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determination is unparalleled.
I have never seen another human
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being, let alone a child, master
a skill like Jade.
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When she was working on the
monkey bars, she would do it so
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many times that she literally
had puncture wounds in both of
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her palms from the wood at
school.
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But she would just get back up
halfway through, fall down, get
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back up with a huge smile on her
face and go again for hours.
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This girl would practice, and
now she's a master, but she
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still loves to do it.
This.
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I keep calling it joyful
determination because I think
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I'm a pretty determined person,
but I would never call myself a
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joyfully determined person.
And that's that's a big part of
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why I think she's such an
inspiration.
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I watch her and think this kid
has so much to teach the world
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already, but within our family
dynamic, it's just different.
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Her big sister Hunter and her
little brother Maverick.
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They're intense, they demand
attention and there is no doubt
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that they fill their space.
But with Jade, you and I have to
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look twice.
We've had many a post bedtime
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conversation about how do we
make sure to not overlook Jade?
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And so I think this
conversation, framed with
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worthiness and taking up space,
will actually give us less
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abstract, more concrete ideas
for how to make sure that her
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claim within this family is
marked and is known.
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Yeah, I'm guessing we're not
alone here.
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With parenting Hunter and
Maverick, it's a very similar
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playbook so far.
But with Jade, it's hard to
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notice some of the things that
she definitely deeply feels
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because she doesn't appear to be
visibly upset.
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Instead, she's flexible.
Yeah, so let's give some
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examples.
So almost every morning I find
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her giving away the last bites
of her breakfast to either her
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brother or sister, both of whom
constantly ask her if they can
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finish her plate.
Many mornings her older sister
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wants to match with her, and I
can tell that she doesn't
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necessarily want to, but she
will come downstairs in an
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outfit matching Hunter just to
make the conflict go away.
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She doesn't complain, she just
does it and I think that can be
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a strength.
Yeah, but flexibility can really
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slide into invisibility and she
shouldn't have to ask to be
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seen.
Yeah, that's so true.
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And that's what I really wrestle
with as her mom.
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I want her to, as Brené Brown
says, engage with the world from
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a place of worthiness, including
in our family.
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And yet I don't want to force it
upon her either.
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So what I'm hoping that we can
come to is a way to allow her to
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step into the space that she is
so worthy of without me or you
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being another force in her life
that gives her an opinion about
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like, how to be worthy.
Yeah.
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It's tricky.
It is.
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And then the other aspect of
this is when she acts out.
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Yeah, with Hunter and Maverick,
acting out is big and loud.
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You know exactly what they're
feeling.
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But with Jade, it's like she's
watching us the whole time.
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She's much quieter.
She's wondering and feeling out
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if it's even OK to be upset.
Yeah, it's almost like she's
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ashamed of her own upset before
it even fully arrives, like
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she's half repressing the
outburst as it happens.
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And I don't know what's
happening in her head, but what
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I fear is happening is this seed
of shame taking root of.
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I'm only lovable when I'm good
and I don't belong when I take
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up too much space.
Yeah, she tries to take up as
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little space as possible when
it's clear that she's done
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something wrong.
And we mean physically.
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Covering her ears, backing.
Into.
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A corner.
She'll lean up against a wall
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she makes herself so small,
which is so different than her
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brother and sister who literally
suck the air out of the room and
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are flailing, limbs screaming,
kicking all over the place.
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I think that these this probably
does set the context window
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pretty well, and I want her to
see that worthiness doesn't come
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from disappearing or pleasing,
but that she can show up fully
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just as she is and that we
probably have to give her some
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scaffolding to get there.
So everybody, this is an episode
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for the Jades out there.
These highly adaptable, go with
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the flow individuals who don't
naturally take up a ton of
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space.
Maybe you have one of these
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kids, or maybe it's your
partner, or maybe it's you.
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And today we're going to talk
about how to support them and
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engaging with the world from a
place of worthiness because they
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belong here too.
They get to stake their claim
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and make their mark on the
world, even if it's in a
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different manner than some of
the rest of us.
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I was thinking of only in the
context of kids.
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Yeah, well, I always want to put
this in the context of the whole
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family because even though, you
know, this is called the
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Wholehearted Parenting
Manifesto, it is as much about
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re parenting yourself while you
are growing little people as it
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is about helping those little
people.
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Oh my God, yeah.
Every every section that we're
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covering has a desire for the
child and a reflection of the
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parent that the child will need
to see in order for that child
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to thrive.
Yeah, so let's get into it.
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Yeah, OK, great.
So I did some research on this
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topic and the most helpful cues
for me come primarily from a
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body of work from the 1970s on
temperaments, specifically by
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two researchers, Thomas and
Chess.
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They came up with something
called temperament theory in
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1977 where they identified 9
different temperament traits
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that appear early in life and
shape how children interact with
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the world, and these are
considered to be biologically
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based and relatively stable
throughout life.
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So it turns out that
adaptability is one of those
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traits, and I hypothesize that
unlike the rest of us, except
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maybe you to some degree, Jade
has a highly adaptable
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temperament.
Yeah, I would totally agree with
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that.
I think she's wired to adjust
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and that's beautiful, but it
also means that she is at times,
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and probably very often,
suppressing her own needs.
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And unfortunately, that's
because she can't.
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Yeah.
And so I think we need to look
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at it in a different way.
And thankfully, Thomas and Chess
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identified that being adaptable
does not equate to low need.
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So kids that are high in
adaptability tend to adjust to
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changes in demands more easily,
but it doesn't mean that they
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don't have strong preferences or
needs.
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It just means that they're more
likely to suppress them.
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Honestly, I get chills in my
body when I think about this
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because I think of Jade as
someone who actually, when it
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comes to her physical body, Jade
has a really strong sense of
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what she needs.
Not to get into it too deeply
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today, but Jade has
hypermobility and sensory
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processing differences where she
has had a lot of pain and
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discomfort throughout her life
and she has learned what she
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needs and to manage it really
well.
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This is a 5 year old who has a
freezer in her room for ice
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packs so that when she is in
pain she can get them herself.
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Yeah, so she's a freaking
resilient kid and she handles.
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You would never know, other than
the fact that she's able to move
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her legs and arms a bit more
flexibly than.
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She's quote UN quote double
jointed, yes, but when and when
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it even when it comes to things
like eating, I think that she
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has a much better full signal
than all of the rest of us
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actually.
So what she really does, I think
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the reason why I get chills is
because she really does have
219
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:41,520
these preferences and know what
she wants.
220
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:46,360
But in certain dynamics within
our family, it seems as though
221
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she is really suppressing them.
OK, so that so two things that I
222
00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:56,640
think are going on one is that
she's highly adaptable and that
223
00:13:56,640 --> 00:14:01,360
does not equate to low need.
And then two, it's this idea
224
00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:04,720
that actually comes from Brene
Brown's shame resilience theory
225
00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:10,600
that internalized shame often
arises in quote good kids.
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00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:19,200
So somehow I think that she has
encrypted this idea that love
227
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:23,440
and belonging in our family are
contingent upon being easy or
228
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:28,080
good.
And while I'm not going to blame
229
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:32,400
us too much because Hunter and
Maverick have not encrypted that
230
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:36,960
at all, I do think I often lean
hard on.
231
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:41,200
Thank you so much, Jade, for
going with the flow.
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00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:46,520
Even in the way that I
compliment her sometimes I tell
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00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:52,200
her that she's my gentle breeze,
and she is, but I don't want her
234
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:54,320
to think that I wouldn't love
her if she wasn't.
235
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:58,000
Yeah, it's a good notice.
I don't think that she thinks
236
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:00,360
that way.
I don't know.
237
00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:05,640
I think I think that she may,
but well, would you like to
238
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:07,040
share why you don't think she
thinks that way?
239
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:10,840
I think her sense of self is
getting stronger as she gets
240
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:15,280
older and as she sees other
people love her just for who she
241
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:18,960
is, like her friends.
I think in this family it's very
242
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tough to get a word in edgewise
with this personality.
243
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:28,200
But I see the way that other
parents talk about how much
244
00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:32,720
their kids love Jade, and I
think that is not the message
245
00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:35,600
that we've gotten about your
other children.
246
00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:39,680
It's true, but I think that
family dynamics and your place
247
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:43,200
in your family of origin really
have repercussions on your life,
248
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:46,560
even if you learn to be
different outside of your
249
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:48,960
family.
Like I think that the way that I
250
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:53,760
engage with the world outside of
my family of origin dynamic is
251
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:57,400
very different than the dynamic
that I currently have with my
252
00:15:57,400 --> 00:16:00,440
family of origin.
And so for me, that's not enough
253
00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:03,520
good points for me.
Knowing that she's doing great,
254
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:07,120
quote UN quote, with her friends
and her sense of self outside of
255
00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:10,280
this family.
That's helpful, but it's not
256
00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:12,080
enough.
I want to make sure that we have
257
00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:14,120
space for her here too.
Yeah, no.
258
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:16,360
So do I.
So what do we do here?
259
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,840
Yeah, so just to finish the
thought from Bernie Brown's
260
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:24,200
shame resilience theory, the
idea is that or the implication
261
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:27,440
from the research is that
parents must explicitly affirm
262
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:32,160
that big feelings and boundary
setting don't break connection,
263
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:35,520
they actually strengthen it.
OK, Yeah.
264
00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:41,920
So with these two findings, I
set out to talk with ChatGPT,
265
00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:45,120
fed it.
All of our research fed it the
266
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:48,080
things that I've noticed about
Jade and asked it to come up
267
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:51,880
with some grounded and
actionable experiments for us to
268
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:56,560
help her engage with the world
from a place of worthiness,
269
00:16:56,720 --> 00:17:01,760
starting with our family.
So after some chatting, because
270
00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:04,000
you know how it goes, iterate,
iterate.
271
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:09,079
We came up with three primary
takeaways.
272
00:17:10,119 --> 00:17:14,359
Name the subtle nose.
Give her a voice and language
273
00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:16,720
and celebrate when she takes up
space.
274
00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:19,040
So should we get into those
three?
275
00:17:19,119 --> 00:17:20,200
Yeah, please.
OK, great.
276
00:17:20,599 --> 00:17:24,280
And at the outset, I just want
to lay the foundation in by
277
00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:29,000
saying that Jade's adaptability
is not a problem.
278
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:33,120
It is a gift.
And funny enough, being
279
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,640
adaptable is actually one of the
primary takeaways from our first
280
00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:37,960
eight episodes that the family
has to be adaptable.
281
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:39,960
That's right.
So she can lead the way.
282
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:43,280
Oh my God, I wish she would
teach that to the other two.
283
00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:46,560
And me too.
I'm getting better, but still.
284
00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:50,360
So our work is not to change her
naturally flexible demeanor.
285
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:53,640
It's to protect her from going
invisible inside of it.
286
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,520
OK, so number one, name the
subtle nose.
287
00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:02,040
Adoptable kids often don't wave
a flag when something feels off,
288
00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:05,080
but that just means that we need
to tune in more intently.
289
00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:08,600
I think that this is what you
and I mean by when we say that
290
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:12,480
you have to look twice at Jade.
And I think that there is some
291
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:17,720
specific language here that we
can use to help make sure that
292
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:22,960
when we do pause and look at her
deeply, we are actually
293
00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:27,520
nourishing this sense of coming
into her own wants and needs and
294
00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:32,520
taking up space.
So 2 examples.
295
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:38,480
Instead of complimenting her for
being so flexible, we can say
296
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:42,400
things like you're really good
at going with the flow, but what
297
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:47,000
you like matters too.
So rather than me just saying
298
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:48,960
again, it's play the tape all
the way through.
299
00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:52,760
Talk about the meaning instead
of just making the statement.
300
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:56,320
So instead of me saying thank
you Jade for being so flexible,
301
00:18:56,920 --> 00:19:02,280
it's noticing that you are so
flexible and acknowledging that
302
00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:06,960
what you want matters too.
And then the other aspect of
303
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:10,880
this is picking up on the quiet
nose, picking up on the subtle
304
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:15,200
nose, which sometimes come out
as a quiet yes.
305
00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:19,040
So it's Jade.
You said yes really quietly when
306
00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:21,200
Hunter asked you if she could
finish your pancake.
307
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:24,040
Are you sure that's what you
want?
308
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:28,560
And I think this language is
really important here because
309
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:33,040
it's not about are you OK with
that, which is where I've leaned
310
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,000
on in the past.
It is.
311
00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:40,440
Is this what you want?
It's a great shift.
312
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:44,960
It's like the I love you but
versus I love you therefore.
313
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,480
I still have to work on the I
love you but I'm trying.
314
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:50,200
Now this is cool.
I think that there's a lot of
315
00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:54,640
experimentation that people can
do with just this one question.
316
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:56,520
Are you sure that's what you
want?
317
00:19:56,520 --> 00:20:00,680
You said yes really quietly, or
I noticed that you weren't so
318
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:05,560
enthusiastic about that choice
that we voted on.
319
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:09,240
Can you say more?
I have a sad statement to make.
320
00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:11,880
Do you know that last night
before bed, Jade said to me,
321
00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:16,280
Mommy, I didn't get to go for
compliments and appreciation
322
00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:21,320
last night at the family meeting
at night, my heart fell and I
323
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:24,680
was like, I know that daddy
complimented her, but I guess
324
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:25,680
what she but.
She.
325
00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:27,880
She didn't say anything.
She didn't.
326
00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:30,800
And then I realized that she's
so right.
327
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:33,760
And she was like, I tried to say
something.
328
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:36,880
Oh, breaks my heart you guys.
She's like, I tried to say
329
00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:38,360
something but you didn't hear
me.
330
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,760
And granted, she was under the
table at this point.
331
00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:49,080
I know that I I heard her say it
to you and my recollection was
332
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:53,360
that she was disengaged at that
point, but I guess she wasn't.
333
00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:56,560
She was just.
Under the table, making herself
334
00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:57,760
small.
Yeah.
335
00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:03,760
OK, we're going to do better.
Yeah, honestly, have you ever
336
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:06,880
noticed with certain friends
that you can communicate better
337
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:10,960
with them via text or e-mail
then like phone or in person?
338
00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:14,440
I want Jade to be able to
communicate with us via in
339
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:17,040
person because that's all she's
really got right now.
340
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:21,320
But if this is a situation
that's coming up for you with
341
00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:27,200
family members or you can also
change the way that you connect
342
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:30,120
with people, I think the
changing the connection to
343
00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:33,160
giving people time to write and
express themselves can be a
344
00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,040
beautiful way to get their voice
heard.
345
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:37,680
And I've experienced this in my
own life with some of my own
346
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:41,520
relationships with Jade and with
our young children in general.
347
00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:46,000
We definitely want to work on
this so that they have this tool
348
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,160
in the toolkit.
But if it's a little bit later
349
00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:51,720
in life, you can see somebody
just by changing the way that
350
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:54,840
you, that you interact with them
and what the medium is.
351
00:21:56,120 --> 00:22:01,000
I totally hear you.
I would I absolutely 2nd that I
352
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:04,320
had a difficult conversation.
This is a little bit of a
353
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:07,040
sidebar but I had a difficult
conversation with a friend this
354
00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:11,720
week who for months has not been
able to pick up the phone and
355
00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:16,800
tell me how she feels.
But when I prompted her via text
356
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:24,000
message she unleashed because it
was easier and I hope I did a
357
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:25,800
good job.
I tried to just wait until she
358
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:31,200
was done until the messages came
and than just really try to
359
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:32,920
receive them in a different
medium.
360
00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:37,720
So it's a good point for adults.
In the meantime, I think that
361
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:41,200
we're just going to have to.
It's so funny because it's she's
362
00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:42,960
so different than Hunter and
Maverick.
363
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:46,520
They're sitting at the table, so
engaged, pounding the table.
364
00:22:47,120 --> 00:22:49,080
I shouldn't say so engaged.
They are sitting at the table,
365
00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:54,400
so present, making themselves
known, pounding the table to
366
00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:56,200
make their declarative
statements.
367
00:22:56,760 --> 00:23:01,160
And Jade, maybe we think she's
not engaged because she's under
368
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:08,080
the table sucking her thumb, but
she's taking it all in and she's
369
00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:12,800
wants her voice to be heard.
It just looks different than the
370
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:15,880
rest of us.
She's a remarkable child.
371
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:18,680
It's so fun having her as part
of our family.
372
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:24,440
It really is.
OK, so name the subtle nose.
373
00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:30,680
Yeah, if we're not careful,
invisibility can feel normal.
374
00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:36,280
So we need to give her the
explicit opportunity to engage
375
00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:40,400
and give her the questions that
she needs to voice, how she
376
00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:42,160
feels as opposed to going with
the flow.
377
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:45,800
Yeah, absolutely.
So that's why #2 is give her
378
00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:49,600
voice and language.
I think that she needs some
379
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:55,680
tools, some gentle opt out
phrases like I changed my mind
380
00:23:56,040 --> 00:24:00,600
or I don't want that.
That works for you, but not for
381
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:03,560
me to encourage her.
And The thing is that she's
382
00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:05,960
really great with language.
We've done this with kindness
383
00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:08,400
and respect, right?
One says, when you have a
384
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:11,040
moment, will you please get my
water better than Jade?
385
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:13,000
Nobody.
So I think that she's really
386
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:20,400
open to us giving her language
and then also to create low
387
00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:22,360
pressure moments where she
leads.
388
00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:25,880
I was so happy to hear today
when I said, Jade, would you
389
00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:27,920
like to choose your pancake
first?
390
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:31,880
Because they each have pancakes
for breakfast and they all,
391
00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:33,320
they're not always the same
size.
392
00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:35,800
Sometimes there's a little more
pancake on one plate than the
393
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:38,360
other.
And so today I don't think she
394
00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:40,640
chose the most, but that's
totally fine.
395
00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:44,720
But she did choose first.
So this idea of building the
396
00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:48,080
muscle for self advocacy and
staking her claim that she is
397
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:51,880
allowed to go first because
before she'd be like no way, no,
398
00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:53,680
I'm not going first, I'll go
last, I'll go last.
399
00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:55,160
Because she didn't want to cause
a fight.
400
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:57,000
She knew that the other two
would have a problem with that.
401
00:24:57,000 --> 00:25:02,600
And so it's not that she wants
to be last, it's that she's
402
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:04,840
reading the room and deciding
that it's not worth the
403
00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:08,920
friction.
That's right, nine eggs, 3
404
00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:13,880
bananas, cinnamon and salt in
the microwave for about 9
405
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:16,720
minutes.
Girls make it every morning and
406
00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:19,040
that's the kids breakfast in
case you were wondering what
407
00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:20,520
kind of pancakes we're feeding
our children.
408
00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:25,640
Sorry, it's in the microwave.
I do like the idea of practicing
409
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:28,440
when the stakes are low.
Even things like letting her
410
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:31,200
choose the music in the car,
although I probably won't let
411
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:33,200
her do that.
Or what game we play after a
412
00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:34,800
family meeting, I will let her
do that.
413
00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:37,560
Definitely doesn't have to be a
big moment to count.
414
00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:42,680
Giving her little wins to boost
her vocabulary, if you will, for
415
00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:44,320
opportunities to speak up.
I love it.
416
00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:48,600
Cool, and then #3 celebrate when
she takes up space.
417
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:52,480
It doesn't have to be this grand
celebration, obviously, because
418
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:54,520
the other two would not be
thrilled with that.
419
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:58,760
But when she does finally say
no, when her sister gets mad,
420
00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:05,360
quietly, kindly validating her
by saying I know that was hard,
421
00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:09,880
I saw you speak up for yourself.
Hunter doesn't have to like it.
422
00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:14,720
Yeah, she is a member of this
family and she deserves to have
423
00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:20,440
a voice and we should celebrate
her when she is doing the thing
424
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:23,520
that she's supposed to do.
Yeah, I think it's very true.
425
00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:27,440
And then when she acts out, I
think it's very important that
426
00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:33,280
we let her know that she is
allowed to take up space and
427
00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:36,880
rock the boat and she still
belongs in this family.
428
00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:40,640
I have a friend who gave me
language.
429
00:26:41,520 --> 00:26:45,880
She says to her kids, I can
handle your big feelings.
430
00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:50,960
I'm right here to make sure that
you're safe and I'll be here
431
00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:53,280
when you're ready to fill in the
blank.
432
00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:56,480
Tell me how you feel or what you
need or help you figure out what
433
00:26:56,560 --> 00:26:58,800
you need.
You are a good kid having a hard
434
00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:00,960
time, and that's a Doctor Becky
state.
435
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:02,800
That last one's a Doctor Becky
statement.
436
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:04,320
You're a good kid having a hard
time.
437
00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:09,480
But this idea that I can handle
your big feelings, and so can
438
00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:14,520
you, I think is a really
important one because so often
439
00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:17,160
it feels like she's cutting
herself off to have them.
440
00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:21,960
Her biggest way of showing us
that she's disgruntled is making
441
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:25,360
this God awful noise.
It's like this guttural noise,
442
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:29,560
Primal Scream.
If you will and but it's an
443
00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:31,080
internalized 1.
Internalized one.
444
00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:33,320
Yeah, she's.
I, we'll, we'll have to figure
445
00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:37,760
out an experiment for when she's
already in it because I think so
446
00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:42,760
far the only thing that we found
is just letting her be or really
447
00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:45,320
engaging with her when she's
like, that doesn't go anywhere.
448
00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:48,120
No, it happened yesterday.
She had an upset man with her
449
00:27:48,120 --> 00:27:51,160
tennis coach and she came home.
Of course, Hunter had to tell
450
00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:54,560
you and me immediately as soon
as it happened in front of Jade.
451
00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:57,560
But she was ashamed.
And that breaks my heart because
452
00:27:57,560 --> 00:28:00,520
I feel like I really grew up
with shame based parenting and I
453
00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:04,000
just don't want to put that on
our children.
454
00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:11,520
But somehow she has internalized
this shame based message and so
455
00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:12,600
I think we did.
An OK job.
456
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:16,600
Yesterday just telling her Jade,
we love you whatever happened,
457
00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:21,400
it's totally OK and we just let
her be and then eventually she
458
00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:29,200
came into the kitchen and she
said hi mommy, right and then I
459
00:28:29,200 --> 00:28:32,600
knew that she was ready to meet
me in the middle, which has been
460
00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:36,200
our new thing where she moves
forward and I meet new forward
461
00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:39,280
to to have a hug It's very.
Sweet.
462
00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:46,400
So taking up space might rock
the boat, but you still belong.
463
00:28:46,480 --> 00:28:47,760
Yeah.
So those are the three that I
464
00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:48,920
would.
Like to suggest that we
465
00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:52,840
experiment with to help her
engage in our family from a
466
00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:56,600
place of worthiness.
Name the subtle nose.
467
00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:01,040
Give her language and celebrate
it when she does take up space.
468
00:29:01,560 --> 00:29:05,600
Yeah, I hope this is helpful.
For a lot of you out there, let
469
00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:08,160
us know.
I would love to hear if you have
470
00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:10,640
one member of your family or you
have multiple members of your
471
00:29:10,640 --> 00:29:15,040
family that struggle with this
because honestly, Jade is
472
00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:18,240
different than the rest of us
and I'm so grateful that she is.
473
00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:23,720
And I'm really trying to figure
out how to.
474
00:29:23,960 --> 00:29:26,120
I think we both are really
trying to figure out how to
475
00:29:26,120 --> 00:29:28,480
parent her in a way that
supports her.
476
00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:33,800
We mess up all the time in
parenting Hunter and Maverick,
477
00:29:34,280 --> 00:29:37,520
but I feel like I know what they
need with Jade.
478
00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:40,880
It is.
It's much more of uncharted
479
00:29:40,880 --> 00:29:47,960
territory for both of us, yeah.
We see you, and we want for you
480
00:29:47,960 --> 00:29:51,920
to see you too.
I think she does see.
481
00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:55,120
Herself, she just doesn't.
She's just not as vote.
482
00:29:55,120 --> 00:29:57,400
It's like the whole idea of the
compliments and appreciation
483
00:29:57,400 --> 00:30:00,560
under the table.
I think we just have to look
484
00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:04,480
harder, look harder.
I'm committed.
485
00:30:04,480 --> 00:30:06,520
To looking harder, to looking
harder, Great.
486
00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:08,640
She's lucky.
To have us, yeah.
487
00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:10,280
And we are so lucky.
To have her.
488
00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:12,160
You're so lucky to have her.
Love you goosey.
489
00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:15,240
Love you goosey.
Hey, guys.
490
00:30:15,240 --> 00:30:17,840
If you're still here, you're
definitely our kind of person.
491
00:30:18,320 --> 00:30:20,840
Thanks for spending this time
with us on The Most Important
492
00:30:20,840 --> 00:30:23,360
Thing.
If this episode resonated with
493
00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:25,840
you, we'd love for you to follow
us wherever you get your
494
00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:28,000
podcasts and share it with
someone else.
495
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:29,760
Building family culture on
purpose.
00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:01,560
Welcome to The Most Important
Thing.
2
00:00:01,720 --> 00:00:04,760
I'm Danielle DeMarco Neufeld.
And I'm Greg Neufeld, and
3
00:00:04,760 --> 00:00:07,960
together we're exploring how
ambitious busy families can
4
00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:11,320
build culture at home.
Because after all, family is the
5
00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:14,680
most important thing.
Hi, Greg.
6
00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:19,200
Hey, Danielle, how's it going?
It's going great, yes.
7
00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:24,360
So today we are talking about
worthiness, specifically from
8
00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:27,920
the second paragraph of Brene
Brown's Wholehearted Parenting
9
00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:29,560
Manifesto.
Would you like to read this
10
00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:31,000
part?
Sure.
11
00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:35,160
It goes.
I want you to engage with the
12
00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:37,760
world from a place of
worthiness.
13
00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:41,760
You will learn that you are
worthy of love and belonging and
14
00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:45,640
joy every time you see me.
Practice self compassion and
15
00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:49,480
embrace my own imperfections.
Beautiful.
16
00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:54,360
So last episode we talked about
loved and lovable and attempted
17
00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:58,720
to distinguish between them.
We talked about loved as a
18
00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:03,160
feeling coming towards me, a
feeling that someone is deeply
19
00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:08,600
here for me and sees me, and
then lovable as a feeling within
20
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:13,880
me, part of my identity where I
believe I am worthy of love just
21
00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:17,880
as I am.
And so today we are introducing
22
00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:24,760
1/3 similar but distinguishable
concept of worthiness, which is
23
00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:29,560
a grounded feeling and core
belief that says I deserve to
24
00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:33,640
take up space in this world.
I think that lovable is at the
25
00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:37,120
heart of worthiness, but that
worthiness is more broad.
26
00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:42,880
It says I deserve it all to have
the full human experience.
27
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:48,680
I'm worthy of love, belonging,
and joy and everything else in
28
00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:52,680
this world.
I am here to claim my place,
29
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:55,040
starting with my place in my
family.
30
00:01:56,560 --> 00:02:00,600
And so today I want to talk
about worthiness as a way of
31
00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:04,920
engaging with the world.
Yeah, I really love this
32
00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:09,840
distinction because when we say
I want my kids to feel loved, we
33
00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:13,760
usually mean all three.
And I think the hardest one to
34
00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:18,680
show it's worthiness.
Worthiness is less about
35
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:24,000
gestures.
That's more tone, consistency
36
00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:27,280
and space.
Especially space.
37
00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:31,560
Yeah, I keep coming back to this
idea of taking up space,
38
00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:34,400
claiming your space, which is
funny.
39
00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:36,600
Every time I think about that, I
think about the astronauts
40
00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:39,000
planting the US flag on the
moon.
41
00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:41,920
We are here, right?
I am here.
42
00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:46,400
I am worthy of taking up space
in this world, and I believe
43
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:49,160
that the most important thing
about engaging with the world
44
00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:52,440
from a place of worthiness is
that each person in our family
45
00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:54,840
deserves to know that they don't
have to earn their place.
46
00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:57,240
It really comes down to
belonging.
47
00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:01,520
They know that they belong not
because they're easygoing or
48
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:06,040
exceptional in some way, but
simply because they're here and
49
00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:12,760
that it is our job to show them
that belonging holds steady even
50
00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:16,280
when they make mistakes or have
big feelings.
51
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:20,240
They have this inalienable right
to be here.
52
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:24,760
So in thinking about how to
frame this episode and set the
53
00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:28,600
context window, if you will,
Greg, I started thinking about
54
00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:33,160
worthiness in our family.
And I would say that most of us
55
00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:39,200
have a very strong sense, a very
strong sense of I deserve to
56
00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:41,920
take up space in this world.
I will admit I do not have a
57
00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:43,520
problem here.
Yeah, Nope.
58
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:48,000
Me either.
And neither do Hunter or
59
00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:50,240
Maverick or even Winston.
Would you agree?
60
00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,040
I would agree.
Winston is our 8 year old
61
00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:54,840
cockapoo, which I don't think
we've mentioned him before, but
62
00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:59,560
he is our first born love of our
life who typically sits at our
63
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:03,640
feet while we are podcasting.
That's right, he's here right
64
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:06,520
now.
And he is also not afraid to
65
00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:09,080
make himself known.
No, he's not.
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00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:15,200
Yeah, but there's one person who
I think struggles with this a
67
00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:18,120
bit, and that is our middle
daughter, Jade.
68
00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:23,880
Yeah, Jade.
So let's talk about Jade for a
69
00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:25,880
little bit.
She's actually one of our
70
00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:28,320
favorite things to talk about
because she's magical.
71
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:31,920
Truly.
She's silly and warm and playful
72
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:34,120
in a way that I admire so
deeply.
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00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:37,920
You and I both say that she is
our greatest inspiration.
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00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:42,760
She is.
And her friends adore her.
75
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:46,880
The feedback that I get from
Jade as a friend is unlike any
76
00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:49,240
I've received for myself or for
Hunter.
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00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:51,760
And I don't know about you,
Greg, but I would imagine for
78
00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:54,280
you too.
It's not just because she's
79
00:04:54,280 --> 00:04:56,680
goofy, but because she's so
truly nice.
80
00:04:57,040 --> 00:05:01,000
Yeah, she really is truly nice,
and she's also really resilient.
81
00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:05,760
After she gets hurt, she'll come
over, she'll get a hug, but then
82
00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:09,480
she'll take that hug and say OK,
I'm done now and go back better
83
00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:11,280
than ever.
And when she's alone, her joyful
84
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:15,040
determination is unparalleled.
I have never seen another human
85
00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:17,440
being, let alone a child, master
a skill like Jade.
86
00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:21,800
When she was working on the
monkey bars, she would do it so
87
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:25,600
many times that she literally
had puncture wounds in both of
88
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:28,120
her palms from the wood at
school.
89
00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:33,720
But she would just get back up
halfway through, fall down, get
90
00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:37,400
back up with a huge smile on her
face and go again for hours.
91
00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:41,480
This girl would practice, and
now she's a master, but she
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00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:43,120
still loves to do it.
This.
93
00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:46,360
I keep calling it joyful
determination because I think
94
00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:49,280
I'm a pretty determined person,
but I would never call myself a
95
00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:52,400
joyfully determined person.
And that's that's a big part of
96
00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:54,280
why I think she's such an
inspiration.
97
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:57,880
I watch her and think this kid
has so much to teach the world
98
00:05:57,880 --> 00:06:01,080
already, but within our family
dynamic, it's just different.
99
00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:03,960
Her big sister Hunter and her
little brother Maverick.
100
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:08,280
They're intense, they demand
attention and there is no doubt
101
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:11,200
that they fill their space.
But with Jade, you and I have to
102
00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:14,040
look twice.
We've had many a post bedtime
103
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:19,760
conversation about how do we
make sure to not overlook Jade?
104
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:23,040
And so I think this
conversation, framed with
105
00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:29,760
worthiness and taking up space,
will actually give us less
106
00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:36,840
abstract, more concrete ideas
for how to make sure that her
107
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:41,080
claim within this family is
marked and is known.
108
00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:43,640
Yeah, I'm guessing we're not
alone here.
109
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:47,920
With parenting Hunter and
Maverick, it's a very similar
110
00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:53,840
playbook so far.
But with Jade, it's hard to
111
00:06:53,840 --> 00:06:59,840
notice some of the things that
she definitely deeply feels
112
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:03,280
because she doesn't appear to be
visibly upset.
113
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,680
Instead, she's flexible.
Yeah, so let's give some
114
00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:10,200
examples.
So almost every morning I find
115
00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:13,640
her giving away the last bites
of her breakfast to either her
116
00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:17,520
brother or sister, both of whom
constantly ask her if they can
117
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:21,880
finish her plate.
Many mornings her older sister
118
00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:27,000
wants to match with her, and I
can tell that she doesn't
119
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:30,840
necessarily want to, but she
will come downstairs in an
120
00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:34,760
outfit matching Hunter just to
make the conflict go away.
121
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:41,680
She doesn't complain, she just
does it and I think that can be
122
00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:45,120
a strength.
Yeah, but flexibility can really
123
00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:50,520
slide into invisibility and she
shouldn't have to ask to be
124
00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:52,240
seen.
Yeah, that's so true.
125
00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:54,440
And that's what I really wrestle
with as her mom.
126
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:58,440
I want her to, as Brené Brown
says, engage with the world from
127
00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:01,360
a place of worthiness, including
in our family.
128
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:05,960
And yet I don't want to force it
upon her either.
129
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:13,880
So what I'm hoping that we can
come to is a way to allow her to
130
00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:18,360
step into the space that she is
so worthy of without me or you
131
00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:21,480
being another force in her life
that gives her an opinion about
132
00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:24,520
like, how to be worthy.
Yeah.
133
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:27,200
It's tricky.
It is.
134
00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:30,720
And then the other aspect of
this is when she acts out.
135
00:08:32,159 --> 00:08:35,320
Yeah, with Hunter and Maverick,
acting out is big and loud.
136
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,679
You know exactly what they're
feeling.
137
00:08:38,159 --> 00:08:41,720
But with Jade, it's like she's
watching us the whole time.
138
00:08:41,799 --> 00:08:45,720
She's much quieter.
She's wondering and feeling out
139
00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:49,280
if it's even OK to be upset.
Yeah, it's almost like she's
140
00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:53,280
ashamed of her own upset before
it even fully arrives, like
141
00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:56,400
she's half repressing the
outburst as it happens.
142
00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:03,320
And I don't know what's
happening in her head, but what
143
00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:07,520
I fear is happening is this seed
of shame taking root of.
144
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:13,160
I'm only lovable when I'm good
and I don't belong when I take
145
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:17,320
up too much space.
Yeah, she tries to take up as
146
00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:21,200
little space as possible when
it's clear that she's done
147
00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:24,080
something wrong.
And we mean physically.
148
00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:26,880
Covering her ears, backing.
Into.
149
00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:30,480
A corner.
She'll lean up against a wall
150
00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:34,840
she makes herself so small,
which is so different than her
151
00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:37,800
brother and sister who literally
suck the air out of the room and
152
00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:41,760
are flailing, limbs screaming,
kicking all over the place.
153
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:45,960
I think that these this probably
does set the context window
154
00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:52,400
pretty well, and I want her to
see that worthiness doesn't come
155
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:55,720
from disappearing or pleasing,
but that she can show up fully
156
00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:59,280
just as she is and that we
probably have to give her some
157
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:03,880
scaffolding to get there.
So everybody, this is an episode
158
00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:08,200
for the Jades out there.
These highly adaptable, go with
159
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:11,400
the flow individuals who don't
naturally take up a ton of
160
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:13,960
space.
Maybe you have one of these
161
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:17,120
kids, or maybe it's your
partner, or maybe it's you.
162
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:20,240
And today we're going to talk
about how to support them and
163
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:24,000
engaging with the world from a
place of worthiness because they
164
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:27,440
belong here too.
They get to stake their claim
165
00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:31,240
and make their mark on the
world, even if it's in a
166
00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:33,400
different manner than some of
the rest of us.
167
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:37,560
I was thinking of only in the
context of kids.
168
00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:40,760
Yeah, well, I always want to put
this in the context of the whole
169
00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:43,080
family because even though, you
know, this is called the
170
00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:46,440
Wholehearted Parenting
Manifesto, it is as much about
171
00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:50,400
re parenting yourself while you
are growing little people as it
172
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,240
is about helping those little
people.
173
00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:56,480
Oh my God, yeah.
Every every section that we're
174
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covering has a desire for the
child and a reflection of the
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parent that the child will need
to see in order for that child
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to thrive.
Yeah, so let's get into it.
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Yeah, OK, great.
So I did some research on this
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topic and the most helpful cues
for me come primarily from a
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body of work from the 1970s on
temperaments, specifically by
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two researchers, Thomas and
Chess.
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They came up with something
called temperament theory in
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1977 where they identified 9
different temperament traits
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that appear early in life and
shape how children interact with
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the world, and these are
considered to be biologically
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based and relatively stable
throughout life.
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So it turns out that
adaptability is one of those
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traits, and I hypothesize that
unlike the rest of us, except
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maybe you to some degree, Jade
has a highly adaptable
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temperament.
Yeah, I would totally agree with
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that.
I think she's wired to adjust
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and that's beautiful, but it
also means that she is at times,
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and probably very often,
suppressing her own needs.
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And unfortunately, that's
because she can't.
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Yeah.
And so I think we need to look
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at it in a different way.
And thankfully, Thomas and Chess
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identified that being adaptable
does not equate to low need.
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So kids that are high in
adaptability tend to adjust to
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changes in demands more easily,
but it doesn't mean that they
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don't have strong preferences or
needs.
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It just means that they're more
likely to suppress them.
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Honestly, I get chills in my
body when I think about this
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because I think of Jade as
someone who actually, when it
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comes to her physical body, Jade
has a really strong sense of
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what she needs.
Not to get into it too deeply
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today, but Jade has
hypermobility and sensory
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processing differences where she
has had a lot of pain and
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discomfort throughout her life
and she has learned what she
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needs and to manage it really
well.
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This is a 5 year old who has a
freezer in her room for ice
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packs so that when she is in
pain she can get them herself.
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Yeah, so she's a freaking
resilient kid and she handles.
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You would never know, other than
the fact that she's able to move
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her legs and arms a bit more
flexibly than.
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She's quote UN quote double
jointed, yes, but when and when
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00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,600
it even when it comes to things
like eating, I think that she
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has a much better full signal
than all of the rest of us
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actually.
So what she really does, I think
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the reason why I get chills is
because she really does have
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these preferences and know what
she wants.
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But in certain dynamics within
our family, it seems as though
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she is really suppressing them.
OK, so that so two things that I
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think are going on one is that
she's highly adaptable and that
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does not equate to low need.
And then two, it's this idea
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that actually comes from Brene
Brown's shame resilience theory
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that internalized shame often
arises in quote good kids.
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So somehow I think that she has
encrypted this idea that love
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and belonging in our family are
contingent upon being easy or
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good.
And while I'm not going to blame
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us too much because Hunter and
Maverick have not encrypted that
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at all, I do think I often lean
hard on.
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Thank you so much, Jade, for
going with the flow.
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Even in the way that I
compliment her sometimes I tell
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her that she's my gentle breeze,
and she is, but I don't want her
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to think that I wouldn't love
her if she wasn't.
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Yeah, it's a good notice.
I don't think that she thinks
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that way.
I don't know.
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I think I think that she may,
but well, would you like to
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share why you don't think she
thinks that way?
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I think her sense of self is
getting stronger as she gets
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older and as she sees other
people love her just for who she
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is, like her friends.
I think in this family it's very
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tough to get a word in edgewise
with this personality.
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00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:28,200
But I see the way that other
parents talk about how much
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their kids love Jade, and I
think that is not the message
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00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:35,600
that we've gotten about your
other children.
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00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:39,680
It's true, but I think that
family dynamics and your place
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00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:43,200
in your family of origin really
have repercussions on your life,
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even if you learn to be
different outside of your
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family.
Like I think that the way that I
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engage with the world outside of
my family of origin dynamic is
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very different than the dynamic
that I currently have with my
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family of origin.
And so for me, that's not enough
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00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:03,520
good points for me.
Knowing that she's doing great,
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quote UN quote, with her friends
and her sense of self outside of
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this family.
That's helpful, but it's not
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00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:12,080
enough.
I want to make sure that we have
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space for her here too.
Yeah, no.
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00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:16,360
So do I.
So what do we do here?
259
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,840
Yeah, so just to finish the
thought from Bernie Brown's
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shame resilience theory, the
idea is that or the implication
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00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:27,440
from the research is that
parents must explicitly affirm
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00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:32,160
that big feelings and boundary
setting don't break connection,
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00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:35,520
they actually strengthen it.
OK, Yeah.
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00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:41,920
So with these two findings, I
set out to talk with ChatGPT,
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00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:45,120
fed it.
All of our research fed it the
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things that I've noticed about
Jade and asked it to come up
267
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:51,880
with some grounded and
actionable experiments for us to
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00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:56,560
help her engage with the world
from a place of worthiness,
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starting with our family.
So after some chatting, because
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you know how it goes, iterate,
iterate.
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We came up with three primary
takeaways.
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Name the subtle nose.
Give her a voice and language
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and celebrate when she takes up
space.
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So should we get into those
three?
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Yeah, please.
OK, great.
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And at the outset, I just want
to lay the foundation in by
277
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saying that Jade's adaptability
is not a problem.
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It is a gift.
And funny enough, being
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adaptable is actually one of the
primary takeaways from our first
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eight episodes that the family
has to be adaptable.
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That's right.
So she can lead the way.
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Oh my God, I wish she would
teach that to the other two.
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And me too.
I'm getting better, but still.
284
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So our work is not to change her
naturally flexible demeanor.
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It's to protect her from going
invisible inside of it.
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00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,520
OK, so number one, name the
subtle nose.
287
00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:02,040
Adoptable kids often don't wave
a flag when something feels off,
288
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but that just means that we need
to tune in more intently.
289
00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:08,600
I think that this is what you
and I mean by when we say that
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you have to look twice at Jade.
And I think that there is some
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specific language here that we
can use to help make sure that
292
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when we do pause and look at her
deeply, we are actually
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nourishing this sense of coming
into her own wants and needs and
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taking up space.
So 2 examples.
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Instead of complimenting her for
being so flexible, we can say
296
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things like you're really good
at going with the flow, but what
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00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:47,000
you like matters too.
So rather than me just saying
298
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again, it's play the tape all
the way through.
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Talk about the meaning instead
of just making the statement.
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So instead of me saying thank
you Jade for being so flexible,
301
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it's noticing that you are so
flexible and acknowledging that
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what you want matters too.
And then the other aspect of
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this is picking up on the quiet
nose, picking up on the subtle
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nose, which sometimes come out
as a quiet yes.
305
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So it's Jade.
You said yes really quietly when
306
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Hunter asked you if she could
finish your pancake.
307
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Are you sure that's what you
want?
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00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:28,560
And I think this language is
really important here because
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it's not about are you OK with
that, which is where I've leaned
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on in the past.
It is.
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Is this what you want?
It's a great shift.
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It's like the I love you but
versus I love you therefore.
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I still have to work on the I
love you but I'm trying.
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Now this is cool.
I think that there's a lot of
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00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:54,640
experimentation that people can
do with just this one question.
316
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Are you sure that's what you
want?
317
00:19:56,520 --> 00:20:00,680
You said yes really quietly, or
I noticed that you weren't so
318
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:05,560
enthusiastic about that choice
that we voted on.
319
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:09,240
Can you say more?
I have a sad statement to make.
320
00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:11,880
Do you know that last night
before bed, Jade said to me,
321
00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:16,280
Mommy, I didn't get to go for
compliments and appreciation
322
00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:21,320
last night at the family meeting
at night, my heart fell and I
323
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:24,680
was like, I know that daddy
complimented her, but I guess
324
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what she but.
She.
325
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She didn't say anything.
She didn't.
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And then I realized that she's
so right.
327
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And she was like, I tried to say
something.
328
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Oh, breaks my heart you guys.
She's like, I tried to say
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something but you didn't hear
me.
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And granted, she was under the
table at this point.
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I know that I I heard her say it
to you and my recollection was
332
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that she was disengaged at that
point, but I guess she wasn't.
333
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She was just.
Under the table, making herself
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small.
Yeah.
335
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OK, we're going to do better.
Yeah, honestly, have you ever
336
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:06,880
noticed with certain friends
that you can communicate better
337
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:10,960
with them via text or e-mail
then like phone or in person?
338
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I want Jade to be able to
communicate with us via in
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person because that's all she's
really got right now.
340
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:21,320
But if this is a situation
that's coming up for you with
341
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family members or you can also
change the way that you connect
342
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:30,120
with people, I think the
changing the connection to
343
00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:33,160
giving people time to write and
express themselves can be a
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00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,040
beautiful way to get their voice
heard.
345
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:37,680
And I've experienced this in my
own life with some of my own
346
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relationships with Jade and with
our young children in general.
347
00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:46,000
We definitely want to work on
this so that they have this tool
348
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in the toolkit.
But if it's a little bit later
349
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in life, you can see somebody
just by changing the way that
350
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you, that you interact with them
and what the medium is.
351
00:21:56,120 --> 00:22:01,000
I totally hear you.
I would I absolutely 2nd that I
352
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:04,320
had a difficult conversation.
This is a little bit of a
353
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:07,040
sidebar but I had a difficult
conversation with a friend this
354
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week who for months has not been
able to pick up the phone and
355
00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:16,800
tell me how she feels.
But when I prompted her via text
356
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:24,000
message she unleashed because it
was easier and I hope I did a
357
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:25,800
good job.
I tried to just wait until she
358
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:31,200
was done until the messages came
and than just really try to
359
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:32,920
receive them in a different
medium.
360
00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:37,720
So it's a good point for adults.
In the meantime, I think that
361
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:41,200
we're just going to have to.
It's so funny because it's she's
362
00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:42,960
so different than Hunter and
Maverick.
363
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:46,520
They're sitting at the table, so
engaged, pounding the table.
364
00:22:47,120 --> 00:22:49,080
I shouldn't say so engaged.
They are sitting at the table,
365
00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:54,400
so present, making themselves
known, pounding the table to
366
00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:56,200
make their declarative
statements.
367
00:22:56,760 --> 00:23:01,160
And Jade, maybe we think she's
not engaged because she's under
368
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:08,080
the table sucking her thumb, but
she's taking it all in and she's
369
00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:12,800
wants her voice to be heard.
It just looks different than the
370
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:15,880
rest of us.
She's a remarkable child.
371
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It's so fun having her as part
of our family.
372
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It really is.
OK, so name the subtle nose.
373
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Yeah, if we're not careful,
invisibility can feel normal.
374
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So we need to give her the
explicit opportunity to engage
375
00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:40,400
and give her the questions that
she needs to voice, how she
376
00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:42,160
feels as opposed to going with
the flow.
377
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:45,800
Yeah, absolutely.
So that's why #2 is give her
378
00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:49,600
voice and language.
I think that she needs some
379
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:55,680
tools, some gentle opt out
phrases like I changed my mind
380
00:23:56,040 --> 00:24:00,600
or I don't want that.
That works for you, but not for
381
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:03,560
me to encourage her.
And The thing is that she's
382
00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:05,960
really great with language.
We've done this with kindness
383
00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:08,400
and respect, right?
One says, when you have a
384
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:11,040
moment, will you please get my
water better than Jade?
385
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:13,000
Nobody.
So I think that she's really
386
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:20,400
open to us giving her language
and then also to create low
387
00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:22,360
pressure moments where she
leads.
388
00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:25,880
I was so happy to hear today
when I said, Jade, would you
389
00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:27,920
like to choose your pancake
first?
390
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:31,880
Because they each have pancakes
for breakfast and they all,
391
00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:33,320
they're not always the same
size.
392
00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:35,800
Sometimes there's a little more
pancake on one plate than the
393
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:38,360
other.
And so today I don't think she
394
00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:40,640
chose the most, but that's
totally fine.
395
00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:44,720
But she did choose first.
So this idea of building the
396
00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:48,080
muscle for self advocacy and
staking her claim that she is
397
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:51,880
allowed to go first because
before she'd be like no way, no,
398
00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:53,680
I'm not going first, I'll go
last, I'll go last.
399
00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:55,160
Because she didn't want to cause
a fight.
400
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:57,000
She knew that the other two
would have a problem with that.
401
00:24:57,000 --> 00:25:02,600
And so it's not that she wants
to be last, it's that she's
402
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:04,840
reading the room and deciding
that it's not worth the
403
00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:08,920
friction.
That's right, nine eggs, 3
404
00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:13,880
bananas, cinnamon and salt in
the microwave for about 9
405
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:16,720
minutes.
Girls make it every morning and
406
00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:19,040
that's the kids breakfast in
case you were wondering what
407
00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:20,520
kind of pancakes we're feeding
our children.
408
00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:25,640
Sorry, it's in the microwave.
I do like the idea of practicing
409
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:28,440
when the stakes are low.
Even things like letting her
410
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:31,200
choose the music in the car,
although I probably won't let
411
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:33,200
her do that.
Or what game we play after a
412
00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:34,800
family meeting, I will let her
do that.
413
00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:37,560
Definitely doesn't have to be a
big moment to count.
414
00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:42,680
Giving her little wins to boost
her vocabulary, if you will, for
415
00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:44,320
opportunities to speak up.
I love it.
416
00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:48,600
Cool, and then #3 celebrate when
she takes up space.
417
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:52,480
It doesn't have to be this grand
celebration, obviously, because
418
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:54,520
the other two would not be
thrilled with that.
419
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:58,760
But when she does finally say
no, when her sister gets mad,
420
00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:05,360
quietly, kindly validating her
by saying I know that was hard,
421
00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:09,880
I saw you speak up for yourself.
Hunter doesn't have to like it.
422
00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:14,720
Yeah, she is a member of this
family and she deserves to have
423
00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:20,440
a voice and we should celebrate
her when she is doing the thing
424
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:23,520
that she's supposed to do.
Yeah, I think it's very true.
425
00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:27,440
And then when she acts out, I
think it's very important that
426
00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:33,280
we let her know that she is
allowed to take up space and
427
00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:36,880
rock the boat and she still
belongs in this family.
428
00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:40,640
I have a friend who gave me
language.
429
00:26:41,520 --> 00:26:45,880
She says to her kids, I can
handle your big feelings.
430
00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:50,960
I'm right here to make sure that
you're safe and I'll be here
431
00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:53,280
when you're ready to fill in the
blank.
432
00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:56,480
Tell me how you feel or what you
need or help you figure out what
433
00:26:56,560 --> 00:26:58,800
you need.
You are a good kid having a hard
434
00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:00,960
time, and that's a Doctor Becky
state.
435
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:02,800
That last one's a Doctor Becky
statement.
436
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:04,320
You're a good kid having a hard
time.
437
00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:09,480
But this idea that I can handle
your big feelings, and so can
438
00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:14,520
you, I think is a really
important one because so often
439
00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:17,160
it feels like she's cutting
herself off to have them.
440
00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:21,960
Her biggest way of showing us
that she's disgruntled is making
441
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:25,360
this God awful noise.
It's like this guttural noise,
442
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:29,560
Primal Scream.
If you will and but it's an
443
00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:31,080
internalized 1.
Internalized one.
444
00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:33,320
Yeah, she's.
I, we'll, we'll have to figure
445
00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:37,760
out an experiment for when she's
already in it because I think so
446
00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:42,760
far the only thing that we found
is just letting her be or really
447
00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:45,320
engaging with her when she's
like, that doesn't go anywhere.
448
00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:48,120
No, it happened yesterday.
She had an upset man with her
449
00:27:48,120 --> 00:27:51,160
tennis coach and she came home.
Of course, Hunter had to tell
450
00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:54,560
you and me immediately as soon
as it happened in front of Jade.
451
00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:57,560
But she was ashamed.
And that breaks my heart because
452
00:27:57,560 --> 00:28:00,520
I feel like I really grew up
with shame based parenting and I
453
00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:04,000
just don't want to put that on
our children.
454
00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:11,520
But somehow she has internalized
this shame based message and so
455
00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:12,600
I think we did.
An OK job.
456
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:16,600
Yesterday just telling her Jade,
we love you whatever happened,
457
00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:21,400
it's totally OK and we just let
her be and then eventually she
458
00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:29,200
came into the kitchen and she
said hi mommy, right and then I
459
00:28:29,200 --> 00:28:32,600
knew that she was ready to meet
me in the middle, which has been
460
00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:36,200
our new thing where she moves
forward and I meet new forward
461
00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:39,280
to to have a hug It's very.
Sweet.
462
00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:46,400
So taking up space might rock
the boat, but you still belong.
463
00:28:46,480 --> 00:28:47,760
Yeah.
So those are the three that I
464
00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:48,920
would.
Like to suggest that we
465
00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:52,840
experiment with to help her
engage in our family from a
466
00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:56,600
place of worthiness.
Name the subtle nose.
467
00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:01,040
Give her language and celebrate
it when she does take up space.
468
00:29:01,560 --> 00:29:05,600
Yeah, I hope this is helpful.
For a lot of you out there, let
469
00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:08,160
us know.
I would love to hear if you have
470
00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:10,640
one member of your family or you
have multiple members of your
471
00:29:10,640 --> 00:29:15,040
family that struggle with this
because honestly, Jade is
472
00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:18,240
different than the rest of us
and I'm so grateful that she is.
473
00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:23,720
And I'm really trying to figure
out how to.
474
00:29:23,960 --> 00:29:26,120
I think we both are really
trying to figure out how to
475
00:29:26,120 --> 00:29:28,480
parent her in a way that
supports her.
476
00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:33,800
We mess up all the time in
parenting Hunter and Maverick,
477
00:29:34,280 --> 00:29:37,520
but I feel like I know what they
need with Jade.
478
00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:40,880
It is.
It's much more of uncharted
479
00:29:40,880 --> 00:29:47,960
territory for both of us, yeah.
We see you, and we want for you
480
00:29:47,960 --> 00:29:51,920
to see you too.
I think she does see.
481
00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:55,120
Herself, she just doesn't.
She's just not as vote.
482
00:29:55,120 --> 00:29:57,400
It's like the whole idea of the
compliments and appreciation
483
00:29:57,400 --> 00:30:00,560
under the table.
I think we just have to look
484
00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:04,480
harder, look harder.
I'm committed.
485
00:30:04,480 --> 00:30:06,520
To looking harder, to looking
harder, Great.
486
00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:08,640
She's lucky.
To have us, yeah.
487
00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:10,280
And we are so lucky.
To have her.
488
00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:12,160
You're so lucky to have her.
Love you goosey.
489
00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:15,240
Love you goosey.
Hey, guys.
490
00:30:15,240 --> 00:30:17,840
If you're still here, you're
definitely our kind of person.
491
00:30:18,320 --> 00:30:20,840
Thanks for spending this time
with us on The Most Important
492
00:30:20,840 --> 00:30:23,360
Thing.
If this episode resonated with
493
00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:25,840
you, we'd love for you to follow
us wherever you get your
494
00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:28,000
podcasts and share it with
someone else.
495
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:29,760
Building family culture on
purpose.
