Sometimes Adults Suck: Leading Our Kids Through Conflict With Grownups

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Hey everyone.
Welcome back to The Most

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Important Thing.
I'm Greg, joined here with

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Danielle, and I think we're
going to jump right into it.

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Today we got a topic about why
adults sometimes suck and what

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we can do about it as parents.
That's right, yeah.

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I don't know if it's really why
adults suck, it's just the fact

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that they do suck sometimes.
Yeah, I'm not going to get into

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why.
Exactly right.

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So, you know, just a stated fact
that adults sometimes suck and

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so how can we lead our kids
through conflict that they

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inevitably will have with other
grown-ups in their lives?

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Yeah, I think lead is the
operative word there because we

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really want to enable our
children to handle conflicts

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with people outside the family,
kids and adults.

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And adults is a really tricky
one.

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I know growing up my parents
mostly handled those situations

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for me.
And I think people today often

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times still do.
And that's why this was an

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episode that we sat on for a
little while because we're

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trying to figure out how to,
well, we really want to showcase

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what we've experimented with a
couple of times over the past

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few months.
And that really involves leading

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from the bench and not
intervening directly when our

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kids have conflict with adults.
And so we'd like to offer you

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something today that at the end
of this episode, you'll have a

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new path, a a different approach
to experiment with the next time

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your child comes home and says
that an adult in their life, but

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be it a teacher, a coach, or
even a person at the grocery

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store, has harmed them in some
way.

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Yep, Yeah, I think this is a
good time for this discussion.

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We're all back to school, right?
It's it's the time where new

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adults enter our children's
lives.

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And often times you know that
just is a a minefield for

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potential conflict and also
potential understanding.

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Yeah, one thing I can almost
guarantee is that each of our

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children will come home within
the next couple of weeks and say

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my new teacher misunderstood me
in X way, or I was sitting at

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circle and someone said I was
talking when I wasn't really.

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And so this is just an
opportunity to not just parents,

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to not stop with the parenting,
if you will.

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I think, you know, if you're
listening to this podcast,

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you're definitely trained in
gentle and empathetic parenting,

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of validating your child's
feelings and saying, yeah, that

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really wasn't cool.
And also being curious and

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working to empathize with the
way that they're really feeling.

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But what comes next, and I think
that to date, what I have seen

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is really you just do nothing
else and just kind of let the

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the opportunity settle, which is
sometimes the right course, but

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sometimes things happen with
kids that are a little bit more

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serious.
And rather than intervening

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ourselves and causing a
secondary conflict between two

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adults, we would like to propose
using this as a stretch

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assignment, as a leadership
opportunity for your child to

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assert their needs in a
responsible, humble way.

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Yeah, absolutely.
I mean, I know that it's so

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funny because growing up and and
still today I see parents, my

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parents did this would encourage
me to like say hello to

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everyone, right?
Like sure, like, hey, you know,

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make sure that you say hi to
your neighbor, make sure you say

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hi to the crossing guard, all
those things.

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But then if there was ever an
issue with an adult, it'd be

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like Nope, you're out of the
picture, move aside.

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I got this.
Yeah.

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And I think that that comes from
the most beautiful place, of

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course, right?
But I really like this when we

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talk about family as a team.
If I am the captain of the team,

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sometimes that means that I'm
leading on the field and

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sometimes that means that I'm
leading from the bench.

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And I think that if the
situation is right, if it's

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serious enough to do something
about, but not so serious that

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absolutely the kid has to be out
of the room, there's kind of

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this sweet spot that I'd like to
talk about today where we really

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can use it as an opportunity to
build confidence within our

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children.
Can I give an example?

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Yeah.
Yeah, OK, great.

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So true story, but I would love
for you to imagine that you are

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five years old and you are at
camp for the first time ever,

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full day camp that's not your
preschool and you're with your

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sister.
So that makes it a little bit

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easier.
But it's Day 2.

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So it's your second day of
summer tennis camp, let's say,

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and you're in the cafeteria at
lunchtime with the other kids in

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your cohort as well as your
coach.

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And things start to get a little
silly, a little loud, as they

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tend to do, and everybody's
having a lot of fun.

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And the next thing you know, a
man from the front desk you

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don't really know, don't know
his name, comes into the door

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and says, stop yelling.
Everybody be quiet.

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No yelling.
And it scares you a little bit.

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And so everything gets quiet for
for a few minutes.

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And then within the next 5 to 10
minutes, it's pretty loud again.

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We're having fun.
We're playing some silly game

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that really makes us all feel
together and bonded.

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And the next thing you know,
that same man walks back into

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the door, this time with a
flashing blue and red phone

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screaming into it.
That's it.

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The police are coming.
They're going to be here in 5

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minutes because you guys didn't
listen.

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How do you feel?
I feel scared.

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Hold me.
Yeah, and that's how Jade felt

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too.
She ran to her sister and

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started hysterically crying and
Hunter felt really scared as

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well, but she was the big sister
in that moment so held her and

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thankfully eventually some other
adults intervened and told Jade

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that it's OK that the guy was
joking.

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But both of them came home that
day really feeling unsafe by

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what had happened in that
situation, and I don't think

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they were alone.
No.

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And so when Hunter told us right
after the second day of tennis

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camp this year, my first
reaction, of course, was, Oh my

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God, who's this guy I'm going to
call right now?

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I'm going to RIP him a new one.
These people have never seen the

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wrath like Danielle Neufeld.
How awful.

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How dare you violate my children
like that.

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And that lasted for like 7
minutes and then my second

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feeling was like I'm the worst
mom ever.

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So much shame.
Like how did I put my children

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in such an unsafe situation?
From now on, they are only going

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to camp at their schools or at
another place where I know that

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a teacher has been trained in
conscious discipline.

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And they will never experience
another adult like this ever

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again in their life.
Never again will they be

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violated or manipulated or given
fear tactics in order to obey.

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Because that's just not how I
think childhood should ever be.

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And I, as you know, like, I am
definitely a defender of

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childhood.
So this got all wrapped up in my

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sense of like, injustice, right?
And shame.

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So I was like, OK, that's it.
Pulling them out of camp.

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They're going to go to the camps
I know forever more till they're

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18.
Yeah, so first outrage, then let

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me put them in a box so that no
one can ever harm them again.

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Your move.
Actually, it's like no

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advertisements, black and white,
like, right, we're going to keep

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them safe, keep them in this
bubble.

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And then about an hour later, I
think I started to come down a

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bit, which is, you know, the
power of the pause.

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I do have to say that like,
something came over me.

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I don't know why I didn't call
them in that moment, but I'm

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really glad that I didn't.
And I think it's because we'd

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had a couple of situations like
this one, nothing as incredibly

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glaring at a place as outside
our home.

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They've been things that we
could brush off before, I think,

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But we used a framework that
we'd like to share with you

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today to really lead our family
in seeing this as a growth

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opportunity, seeing it as a way
to align with our values and

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potentially change others
behavior in the future.

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Maybe not, but definitely show
up the way that we want to.

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Not causing more drama in the
situation, but instead showing

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people what happens when they
treat us in a way that's not

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cool.
Yeah.

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And you know, we have a lot of
the people involved, or at least

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the adults that were in the room
on text.

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So it took a lot of strength and
pausing to not just immediately

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fire off an angry text being
like, how dare you?

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Because that's that's really
like the first line of defense

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in today's parenting is like
overreacting.

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And you have something right
there that can, can, can

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communicate with them.
You don't even have to pick up

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the phone and confront them.
You can just send an angry text

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like.
Having only heard one side of

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the story, yeah.
How it's and we've been on the

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receiving end of.
That from A to peer-to-peer

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conference.
Yeah, totally.

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But like, it took a lot and I
applaud you for thinking that

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there's probably another way to
handle this.

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Yeah, And this goes back to just
this idea again of family as a

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team or family as a democracy,
where I know that Jade in this

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moment is not capable yet of
necessarily standing up for

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herself in that environment
where she's only day 2 into a,

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into something that's not her
preschool, right.

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We spoke before about how Jade,
when having conflict with a

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peer, was able to do heart
repair in that situation.

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But this one a bit too far out
of her zone of proximal

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development, if you will.
But Hunter, I knew, was ready to

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do something about it.
Even the way that she told us

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the story, she felt that it was
unjust and not OK and was

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looking for a way to rectify the
situation.

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And we didn't want to step in.
And So what did we do?

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The first, I think, is this
mindset shift that we're talking

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about, which is we as the
parents don't always have to

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intervene.
Sometimes we can lead from the

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bench and this offers the
opportunity for one of the best

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drivers of leadership growth
that we know from research,

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which is called a stretch
assignment.

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So what is a stretch assignment?
A stretch assignment is

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something that is just beyond a
person's current capabilities,

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but when supported correctly can
really lead to optimal growth.

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Not only that, but success in
stretch assignments and offering

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stretch assignments in general
is the #1 driver of leadership

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growth.
We know that from leadership

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research through things like the
Center for Creative Leadership

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and others.
So why not try to offer her in

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this in this space where she's
been wronged and her sister has

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been wronged, but she's in a
relatively safe environment

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where she knows many of the
players to really step into that

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time where she can stand up for
not just herself, but her sister

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too.
So that's one.

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See this as a stretch
assignment.

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And then what do we do within
the stretch assignment?

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Two things.
The first one is to identify a

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trusted adult in the situation
that is not you or me.

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It is not mom or dad.
And so in this case, her coach

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was actually in the room in the
kitchen in the when the man came

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in both times.
And so he witnessed everything

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that happened and in that moment
didn't say anything, nor did he

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validate or empathize or the
things that we do as parents.

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And so he would have been the
person that I think in path A or

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old path, we would have gone to
right and yelled at.

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How could you not defend them or
whatever it is?

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But we know that that's going to
put him immediately on the

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defensive, that based on what we
know about him as a trusted

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individual, that he probably
does feel a certain kind of way

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tonight, right?
In that when this is happening

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and probably wasn't that proud
of the way he didn't show up for

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the kids already, right?
So we don't want to shame or

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further disrespect someone who
wasn't operating from their best

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self.
No.

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And we didn't know the the, the
rank and order of the

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organization.
Is he is it his boss?

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We don't know who this man is.
No, and I think that's

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intentional too.
Like we we knew that this was a

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person that who'd been the the
kids instructional coach for

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months on the weekends.
We put them in a safe enough

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space in tennis camp where we
knew some of the players.

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But to be honest, like we, we
aren't the types of helicopter

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parents that are going to go in
and audit the first day and make

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sure that everything is being
done by the rules 'cause that

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I'm climbing my own mountains.
People like I just don't.

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I'm making sure that they are
safe, that they are well taken

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care of.
And I trust the relationship

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that I have with my child that
they have been trained to

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recognize when things are awry
and to come and report it to me

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and resist in the moment.
So anyway, back to this idea of

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a trusted adult, there's this
concept called flash mentoring,

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00:13:57,040 --> 00:14:00,200
which has been more recently
studied in research, which is so

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Harvard's done a lot of research
on long term mentorship, right?

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00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:08,000
And how that builds increased
confidence and resilience in

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children.
But more recently, and this is

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00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:13,240
also something that we heard in
our book that we read recently

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called The Culture Code, there's
this idea of flash mentoring.

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00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:21,000
So it's this short term
opportunistic opportunities to

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00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:25,800
find a trusted ally or a mentor
to get through a challenging

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00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:30,440
situation that can also lead to
boosted confidence and

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00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:34,120
resilience.
And then the bigger point here

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00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:37,480
in finding a trusted mentor is
really what kind of community do

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00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:42,120
we want to create and what kind
of community are we really

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00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:44,640
sharing with our children?
What vision are we sharing with

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00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:46,680
our children for the outside
from the outside world?

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00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:50,840
Are we teaching them that the
only safe adults are your close

250
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:53,560
relatives or the people that you
spend time with every day?

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00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:56,720
Or are we, and this is the world
I want to live in.

252
00:14:56,920 --> 00:15:01,760
Most people are inherently good.
Most people will support you.

253
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And so trust your intuition in
finding those people.

254
00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:10,920
And that's, I think a key part
of this is like helping our

255
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:14,960
children develop strong
intuition and going with their

256
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:20,200
gut, but that if you feel like
you can rely on someone in your

257
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:23,760
community that's not your mom
and dad, you're probably right.

258
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:27,080
And I think this flies in the
face of so much that we are

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00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:30,960
being pushed today about how
unsafe people can be.

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And so for me, in the same way
that like Lenore Skonosy is like

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00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,720
free range kids and we want to
have kids more outside and

262
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:40,400
they'd have to be outside for
47,000 years before

263
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:42,880
statistically they would get
abducted.

264
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:47,480
I'm like, hey, let your kid
develop an intuition about who

265
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:50,440
in the community other than
their close family members or

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00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:53,240
the people that they see every
day can be trusted.

267
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:57,800
Can they go to?
Can they rely upon in situations

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00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:00,120
where we're not there?
For sure.

269
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That's the world I want to live
in.

270
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:06,680
Me too.
I don't know if this goes hand

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00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:10,480
in hand with that lesson, but
the mantra in our home that I

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00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:14,400
like to instill is you are the
customer and you have a

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00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:19,080
customer's Bill of Rights, which
is you should feel safe in the

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00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:21,240
place where we are paying good
money for you to go to camp.

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00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:22,960
You deserve to you.
Deserve to.

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00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:27,040
And if you're not, if something
disrupts or interrupts your

277
00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:29,720
feeling of safety, check
yourself.

278
00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:32,480
Did I do anything that was out
of line?

279
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:38,640
And then if the answer is no and
think, OK, now that I know that

280
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:42,960
I can sleep at night with the
actions that I did versus what

281
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:46,840
other people are bringing in,
I'm going to absolve myself

282
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,560
first and foremost.
Because even if that adult never

283
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:55,000
learns that like to do the right
thing, like I don't want our

284
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:58,520
kids to feel like they're doing
the wrong thing, right?

285
00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:02,120
Like especially when they're
being playful at camp with their

286
00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:06,160
friends.
So I think that the shame is the

287
00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:08,240
feeling that I really want to
put to bed 1st.

288
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:12,040
And then I want to talk about
resolving the conflict to make

289
00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:14,480
it feel safe to go back.
Yeah, absolutely.

290
00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:16,880
And I think that that's what a
lot of us do at home today,

291
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:19,359
which is the validating
something that really wasn't

292
00:17:19,359 --> 00:17:22,319
done in the 80s and 90s, at
least not in my home, not for

293
00:17:22,319 --> 00:17:24,160
better or for worse.
But there wasn't any sense of

294
00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:25,920
like, no, what happened to you
was not OK.

295
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:30,640
And I am so big on telling our
children what happened to you is

296
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:33,360
not OK.
And let me hear your feelings

297
00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:34,640
about it.
I'm here to support you.

298
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,680
But that is parenting.
And we're not here to talk about

299
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:39,600
parenting.
We assume that you're already

300
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:40,920
great parents.
I'm sure you are.

301
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:43,200
What we're here to talk about is
how to lead.

302
00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:46,640
And I think too often either the
script ends there with the

303
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:49,920
validation and the empathy.
And so as parents, we feel like

304
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:52,920
we have two choices, intervene
or say nothing.

305
00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:57,320
And I'm saying we are saying
there's a third choice.

306
00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:03,160
And that third choice is to
really empower your child to, in

307
00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:09,880
a respectful way, share with a
trusted adult what happened and

308
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:13,840
what they need from the in order
to resolve the situation both in

309
00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:18,640
the present and going forward.
Yeah, I want to circle back to

310
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:21,680
this idea of being a customer
'cause I think it's a really

311
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:26,920
useful framework that could very
easily be misinterpreted.

312
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:31,080
So when you say remember that
you're the customer, I think

313
00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:36,160
back to many of much of what was
modelled for me around being a

314
00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:39,920
customer, which was demanding my
needs get met.

315
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:44,760
And when I felt outraged about
injustice, we got, we didn't get

316
00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:48,560
the right hotel room.
This order is wrong, whatever it

317
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:53,600
may be, at a restaurant, at a
hotel, whatever it was, anger

318
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:58,360
and outrage.
And you must listen to me

319
00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:03,160
because I own you.
You're laughing, but it's true.

320
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:08,520
And so I think of yeah, I yeah,
I'm the customer.

321
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:11,480
And that is not who you are at
all.

322
00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:14,000
And so I think it's really
important to follow that thread

323
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,240
in what you mean by you are the
customer.

324
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:22,560
Yeah, I mean, when you're the
customer, you can walk away.

325
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:27,280
You have other options.
And for me personally, I like to

326
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:32,880
think of myself as like a warm
greeting and the best version of

327
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:35,440
the customer that anyone's ever
experienced.

328
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:35,640
I.
Mean.

329
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:39,000
That's an understatement because
you are so amazing at

330
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:42,480
ingratiating yourself with
whoever is on the other side of

331
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:44,440
the table.
It's like a work of art, people.

332
00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:47,240
It really is.
Well, I, I want people to feel

333
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,320
appreciated and I want to feel
appreciated.

334
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:52,680
So the best way to get
appreciation is to appreciate

335
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:56,000
others for the work that they're
doing and to let them know that

336
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:59,880
I know that you're trying your
best, but there's got to be

337
00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:03,960
another way for me to get the
thing that I need because I kind

338
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,640
of need that thing.
And that, I think is so

339
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:10,760
beautiful.
And your influence really has a

340
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:16,160
lot to do with the third step,
which is what should Hunter

341
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:19,360
actually be saying to her coach,
who we've identified as that

342
00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:22,120
trusted ally?
Because if she goes up to him

343
00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:25,400
and says, like, that was awful,
how did you not protect me?

344
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:26,720
Like, that's not going to be
good.

345
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,960
That might even be worse than a
parent saying it, right?

346
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:30,880
He's going to think, this kid's
a little shit.

347
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:37,320
And so how can we show up with
our best selves in a language

348
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:43,840
that really aligns with our
family's values and isn't trying

349
00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:47,360
to put someone on the defensive
or shame them in any way?

350
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:52,600
Isn't really about anger and
injustice, but is instead about

351
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:58,200
a way to build connection.
I think hand raised, I think

352
00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:02,080
it's about both in the situation
of being the customer I'm

353
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:05,160
putting this together, and in
the situation of getting what

354
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:07,960
you need out of a conflict
resolution statement.

355
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,280
The answer is make it about
yourself.

356
00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:12,240
Yeah.
Right.

357
00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:14,720
Totally.
It's not about what the other

358
00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:19,800
person did or didn't do.
It's not about what the fear

359
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:23,640
moment was and how that
shouldn't have never happened

360
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:25,280
and how could you let that
happen?

361
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,080
It's about how it made you feel.
For sure.

362
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:29,720
And that's the work to do at
home, right?

363
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:34,240
Because Hunter definitely was
like all of those things about,

364
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:36,360
you know, this shouldn't have
happened and that shouldn't have

365
00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:37,440
happened.
The injustice, right?

366
00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:41,520
She, like me, has a very tight
hold on anger and injustice

367
00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:43,520
together.
And so kind of breaking that

368
00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:48,040
apart and spending time with her
on know what, what was the real

369
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,560
feeling there?
You felt unsafe.

370
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:54,440
We as your family are going to
validate that that was unsafe

371
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:56,920
and validate your feelings
around that.

372
00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:59,640
We can't trust an ally or
otherwise.

373
00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:02,680
We, we are not going to expect
that from other people, right?

374
00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:07,080
What we are going to expect from
other people is for you to share

375
00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:11,280
the way that it made you feel
without a need for validation

376
00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:15,160
and what you need in the future.
So really leveraging these

377
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:19,440
research backed principles of
nonviolent communication, which

378
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:23,120
really involve the an
observation, so an internal

379
00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:27,800
observation of what happened for
you, identifying your feelings.

380
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:30,960
So key, like you said, not about
how other people responded in

381
00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:33,760
the situation, but how it
actually made you feel.

382
00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:36,680
And then what are your needs and
what are your requests?

383
00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:41,120
And so a little bit later, we're
going to have a special guest to

384
00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:45,600
talk in detail about what she
actually did say to her coach.

385
00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:54,080
Yeah, so back to heart repair.
This is a a skill for life, and

386
00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:57,400
we're teaching our kids that
it's not just about pure

387
00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:00,280
conflict resolution, it's about
conflict resolution with

388
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:02,480
anybody.
Just as long as you say what you

389
00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:05,360
need and how things made you
feel, you cannot be in the

390
00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:07,240
wrong.
Absolutely.

391
00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:11,000
And so heart repair is the
developmentally appropriate name

392
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:13,280
for nonviolent communication,
right?

393
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:17,200
Yeah.
And with much more marketable

394
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,080
name as well.
I think so.

395
00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:24,080
I like it.
OK, so to recap, the next time

396
00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:28,080
that you feel like you want to
intervene for your child because

397
00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:31,760
something has happened, I
encourage you to experiment and

398
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:35,600
apply our three-step playbook.
The first one mindset shift.

399
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:38,520
See this as a stretch assignment
for your child.

400
00:23:39,480 --> 00:23:44,080
Know that that drives leadership
growth, which supports family as

401
00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:47,680
a team.
But in order to do that, it

402
00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:51,520
needs to be right outside their
comfort zone, so in that zone of

403
00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:55,360
proximal development, and it
needs to be supported by you in

404
00:23:55,360 --> 00:23:59,360
a way that can lead to a
positive outcome, maybe not

405
00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:01,800
always 100% success, but a
positive outcome.

406
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:04,720
So that's number one, the
mindset shift.

407
00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:06,680
And then how do we go about
that?

408
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:10,720
Find a trusted ally.
In almost every situation that

409
00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:13,000
we've encountered, which, you
know, the tennis assignment was

410
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:15,680
one, There were a couple that
happened at school as well.

411
00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:20,640
Hunter's been able to find a
trusted ally, so someone that

412
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:24,280
maybe was on the play scape or
was in the school environment

413
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:28,400
that was way closer to the
situation than we were, who we

414
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:36,720
knew was going to hear her and
advocate for her in some way and

415
00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:40,040
that she could really talk to
using this nonviolent

416
00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:44,760
communication language.
And sometimes if the person you

417
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:47,280
know, sometimes the person that
the child has conflict with may

418
00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:49,720
be the trusted ally, it must
might have just been a bad day

419
00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:51,800
for that person.
So sometimes they can be 1 and

420
00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:55,360
the same.
And then the third is really

421
00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:58,640
developing that language to
support the child on their

422
00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:01,480
stretch assignment as a family
that aligns with your values.

423
00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:04,560
So for us that is around
nonviolent communication,

424
00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:07,320
expressing your feelings and
what you observed in the

425
00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:12,400
situation, and then stating what
you need and requesting that it

426
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:14,000
get met.
Yep.

427
00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:19,360
What about witnesses to the
communication, to the heart

428
00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:22,600
repair to the NVC?
Do you think that it's

429
00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:25,120
necessary?
Helpful sometimes?

430
00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:27,880
Sure, sometimes.
It's situational.

431
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:29,920
Yeah.
I think it can be a little

432
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:33,400
intimidating to have a
one-on-one with a, even if with

433
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:37,920
a trusted adult to make sure
that because look, when you and

434
00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:41,680
I talk to one another, I'm going
to parrot back what I heard from

435
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:45,200
you so that we get very clear.
But with somebody that might not

436
00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:48,160
be familiar with this type of
kind of heart repair

437
00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:51,120
conversation, it could be
misconstrued.

438
00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:52,480
It could go one ear out the
other.

439
00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:55,040
The child could feel like it's
done as soon as they say their

440
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:57,280
words.
You know, I've seen kids go up

441
00:25:57,280 --> 00:26:00,520
to adults and be like, thank you
so much for blah, blah, blah,

442
00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:02,880
and then run away.
You know, when when a parent

443
00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:06,520
says go, thank, go thank them as
opposed to waiting for the

444
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:08,280
you're welcome or, you know, any
of that.

445
00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:13,640
So I'm just thinking like,
should the framework be when you

446
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:16,760
have, you know, should there,
should there always be a trusted

447
00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:20,800
third party in the room?
I wouldn't say necessarily

448
00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:22,360
honestly.
I mean, so I guess part of this

449
00:26:22,360 --> 00:26:25,000
is we practice nonviolent
communication and and heart

450
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:28,200
repair at home.
So Hunter knows what she's doing

451
00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:30,960
when she goes to an adult.
It doesn't always have to be.

452
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:34,480
I talk, then you talk, then I
talk, then you talk, then you

453
00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:35,920
talk then.
It doesn't have to always.

454
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:38,800
Be that.
It can just be a way of of

455
00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:41,160
stating your needs clearly in a
way that doesn't put someone

456
00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:43,120
else on the defensive.
I think what I'm trying to get

457
00:26:43,120 --> 00:26:46,600
at is follow up and
documentation.

458
00:26:47,360 --> 00:26:52,360
I feel like is the way to to
make sure that things don't

459
00:26:52,360 --> 00:26:54,360
happen again so that there's no
repeat.

460
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:56,600
Yeah, I mean, I guess let's play
the story all the way through.

461
00:26:56,680 --> 00:27:00,640
So the next day, Hunter went up
to her coach, who again, was in

462
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:05,520
the lunchroom when this happened
and said, hey, coach, what

463
00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:09,280
happened yesterday made me and
Jade feel unsafe.

464
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:15,000
I need you to make sure that
doesn't ever happen again.

465
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:20,280
And to his credit, he did
validate her in the moment.

466
00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:23,160
He said, I agree, Hunter, what
happened yesterday was not OK.

467
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:27,680
I've already spoken with him and
it's not going to happen again.

468
00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:31,520
And I want to believe that
that's because she trusted her

469
00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:33,960
intuition that this was a
trustworthy person that she

470
00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:36,200
could go to.
So this is actually the part

471
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:42,280
that makes this story really
important is that I don't want

472
00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:45,360
to make too much of our, of our
family, you know, making waves.

473
00:27:45,360 --> 00:27:49,880
But I think this was a great
opportunity for someone to maybe

474
00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:54,400
even expect for us to call after
the way that Jade reacted, but

475
00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:58,280
to not experience that and
instead have have Hunter as a

476
00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:02,920
thoughtful child, really come up
to him and explain how she felt

477
00:28:02,920 --> 00:28:07,160
and what she needs from him.
Yeah, instead of us going to him

478
00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:08,920
and him immediately being on the
defensive.

479
00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:10,200
Totally.
So much better.

480
00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:12,840
I mean, like everybody gets
their needs met there.

481
00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:14,240
Yeah.
So I'm not saying there's a

482
00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:17,960
world where, you know, if this
was happening repeatedly or

483
00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:22,200
there was something more
significant with regards to, you

484
00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:24,800
know, something, something
really bad happening, of course

485
00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:27,240
we would intervene.
But I again, I do believe that

486
00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:31,600
there is this sweet spot where a
child really feels that they've

487
00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:35,160
been harmed, but it is not so
bad that parents need to

488
00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:39,040
immediately intervene, that
there's really this, this growth

489
00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:43,160
opportunity for both the child
and the adult who sucks at that

490
00:28:43,160 --> 00:28:48,520
moment to really make change.
I think when it comes to

491
00:28:49,320 --> 00:28:52,040
problems with peers and
definitely problems between

492
00:28:52,560 --> 00:28:56,320
children and trusted adults or
adults in one of their camps,

493
00:28:56,400 --> 00:28:59,280
schools, after school programs,
etcetera.

494
00:28:59,880 --> 00:29:02,800
Like it's like a inverted
dartboard, like it's all

495
00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:05,880
bullseye for things that the
children can probably handle

496
00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:08,680
with a little bit around the rim
where we should intervene.

497
00:29:09,440 --> 00:29:11,200
That's been our experience to
date, yeah.

498
00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:13,080
Yeah.
Cool.

499
00:29:13,320 --> 00:29:17,080
I also just want to say that I
believe that this is of the

500
00:29:17,080 --> 00:29:21,360
utmost importance because it is
on us, people of our generation,

501
00:29:21,360 --> 00:29:28,600
to really turn this tsunami that
is happening around immaturity

502
00:29:29,240 --> 00:29:32,840
in American culture today with
kids and Gen.

503
00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:37,680
Z Living with their parents in
their 30s, many of them not even

504
00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:39,400
not married, but not even
dating.

505
00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:44,800
These are the small stakes
opportunities that enable our

506
00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:49,680
children to build confidence so
that when they go out into the

507
00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:53,560
workplace, make friends, start
dating.

508
00:29:53,920 --> 00:30:00,320
They have language around what
they need, requests they can

509
00:30:00,320 --> 00:30:04,960
make and how they they can be
heard, they can be heard.

510
00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:08,080
And so I think this is
incredibly important because the

511
00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:11,720
way that our cultural trajectory
is going, it does not look good.

512
00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:17,360
And so it's really on us as this
generation of parents to begin

513
00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:21,920
early in leading our children
into these stretch assignments.

514
00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:26,640
Wow, it's that's a powerful
thought.

515
00:30:27,160 --> 00:30:33,200
Next time I you, any of you out
there, think about standing up

516
00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:35,120
for your kids before letting
them try.

517
00:30:35,120 --> 00:30:38,320
Think about your kid living in
your basement until they're 35.

518
00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:39,760
That's right.
And we don't even have a

519
00:30:39,760 --> 00:30:41,280
basement, so it would be right
next door.

520
00:30:43,400 --> 00:30:46,080
OK, And then one more thing,
because I've been reading this

521
00:30:46,080 --> 00:30:48,800
book, Family Dynamics about
sibling success.

522
00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:56,280
And so I just cannot under score
enough how beautiful it is that

523
00:30:56,280 --> 00:31:02,800
Jade gets to watch Hunter assert
for our family and to not just

524
00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:06,040
protect Jade, but to stand up
for herself as well 'cause we

525
00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:09,360
know that Hunter was shaking in
her boots, even though she

526
00:31:09,360 --> 00:31:12,200
wasn't the one crying because
she was operating as the big

527
00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:14,200
sister.
But more and more research is

528
00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:18,560
showing that, well, parents have
some influence in setting values

529
00:31:18,560 --> 00:31:22,520
and expectations, but it's
really the sibling dynamic that

530
00:31:22,520 --> 00:31:25,640
is going to create that upward
spiral of confidence and

531
00:31:25,640 --> 00:31:29,360
resilience and success.
And so I think this is a

532
00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:35,200
beautiful example of Hunter
taking the lead and really

533
00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:39,200
demonstrating what good can look
like for Jade.

534
00:31:40,840 --> 00:31:43,680
Yeah, it's awesome.
It's awesome.

535
00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:46,880
And I want more of it.
Absolutely cool.

536
00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:49,640
Cool all.
Right, well, thanks everybody

537
00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:51,160
for listening.
I love you, goosey love.

538
00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:53,800
You goosey.
Hey Hunter.

539
00:31:53,800 --> 00:31:58,840
Hey Jade.
So mommy and I just recorded an

540
00:31:58,840 --> 00:32:07,080
episode about a number of things
really helping our family to

541
00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:11,040
have conversations, tough
conversations with other adults

542
00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:14,200
without mommy and daddy getting
involved.

543
00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:19,240
And the the episode talked a
little bit about an experience

544
00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:20,560
that you both had, a tennis
camp.

545
00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:25,280
And so rather than us putting
words in your mouth, just wanted

546
00:32:25,280 --> 00:32:29,160
to hear what happened in that
event and how it was resolved.

547
00:32:30,040 --> 00:32:37,200
We were doing like something and
then it made me feel scared,

548
00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:44,440
weird and I don't know.
So a guy came out with a police

549
00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:47,080
phone, is that what happened?
Well, it wasn't a real police

550
00:32:47,080 --> 00:32:49,840
phone.
It was just like a flashing.

551
00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:51,360
Light.
Do you think it was real at the

552
00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:52,160
moment?
Well.

553
00:32:53,120 --> 00:32:55,000
Maybe.
What kind of you didn't you

554
00:32:55,000 --> 00:32:56,720
didn't think it was fake?
Yeah.

555
00:32:56,920 --> 00:32:59,280
So you were a little bit
worried, right?

556
00:32:59,280 --> 00:33:03,240
That some man was going to call
the police on you, but he was

557
00:33:03,240 --> 00:33:05,880
just playing at prank.
Yikes.

558
00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:09,040
I bet that didn't feel good.
Jade, how did it feel?

559
00:33:10,880 --> 00:33:12,360
You were sad.
Were you a little scared?

560
00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:16,000
Yeah.
And so after you came home and

561
00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:19,760
told us about what had happened,
what did we say?

562
00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:25,080
What did we suggest that you do?
You said for a sit down coach.

563
00:33:25,080 --> 00:33:27,720
Uh huh.
Well, really for me to tell

564
00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:31,600
coach how he felt and what we
need.

565
00:33:32,160 --> 00:33:35,840
What did you need?
Well, we needed that not to

566
00:33:35,840 --> 00:33:38,760
happen again.
So were you able to say that to

567
00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:40,640
coach?
How did you say it?

568
00:33:41,240 --> 00:33:44,920
Well, I said, Coach, I need to
tell you something.

569
00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:54,920
And then I tell him, Coach I I
didn't feel good when when the

570
00:33:54,920 --> 00:34:01,080
guy came in the room flash with
the flashing light and pretended

571
00:34:01,160 --> 00:34:04,480
pranked us and said he was
calling the police.

572
00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:10,600
Yeah.
And I need you to make sure that

573
00:34:10,600 --> 00:34:14,040
does not happen again.
What did he say?

574
00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:18,520
He said.
I talked, yes, Center.

575
00:34:18,520 --> 00:34:24,120
I talked with the guy who came
in and he said he wouldn't do

576
00:34:24,120 --> 00:34:25,639
it.
OK.

577
00:34:26,000 --> 00:34:27,320
And did he say that he was
sorry?

578
00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:29,760
Yes.
And did he say that he should

579
00:34:29,760 --> 00:34:31,000
have said something?
No.

580
00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:33,040
Oh, OK.
Interesting.

581
00:34:34,040 --> 00:34:36,639
Well, did that resolve it for
you?

582
00:34:36,639 --> 00:34:39,639
Did that make it feel like you
need got what you needed?

583
00:34:39,639 --> 00:34:42,199
Well, yeah.
OK.

584
00:34:42,199 --> 00:34:44,080
And what about you, Jade?
Do you feel like you got what

585
00:34:44,080 --> 00:34:45,239
you needed when Hunter said
that?

586
00:34:46,120 --> 00:34:48,280
Yes.
Yeah, that's great.

587
00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:53,440
Hunter, how did you and Jade
come to the conclusion that

588
00:34:53,440 --> 00:34:55,520
Coach was a safe person to talk
to?

589
00:34:55,520 --> 00:34:59,160
Well.
We didn't really, we just

590
00:34:59,200 --> 00:35:03,840
thought because we've been with
him for a long time.

591
00:35:04,120 --> 00:35:08,240
Yeah.
And like we thought maybe we

592
00:35:08,240 --> 00:35:12,400
should tell him.
But first, we told you right.

593
00:35:12,960 --> 00:35:16,200
Yeah.
Because we didn't know what to

594
00:35:16,200 --> 00:35:17,160
do at that.
Time, Right.

595
00:35:17,560 --> 00:35:22,720
But now when you trust people,
you don't need to trust them all

596
00:35:22,720 --> 00:35:27,040
the way, But if you trust them
enough to listen to you because

597
00:35:27,040 --> 00:35:30,840
they've been with you for some
time, you would feel comfortable

598
00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:35,240
in another scenario with another
adult doing something similar

599
00:35:35,240 --> 00:35:36,720
Now.
Yeah.

600
00:35:38,040 --> 00:35:39,040
Yeah.
How does that feel?

601
00:35:39,040 --> 00:35:42,840
To to know that you can take
this on yourself?

602
00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:45,280
Great.
Yeah.

603
00:35:45,440 --> 00:35:50,040
Tell us more about how it feels
to have mommy and daddy trust

604
00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:53,360
you to talk to other adults.
Tell us how it feels inside.

605
00:35:54,040 --> 00:36:01,520
Good and scary.
What's scary about it?

606
00:36:02,640 --> 00:36:09,280
Hold the microphone close.
First, like so it's scary

607
00:36:09,280 --> 00:36:14,200
because it's hard sometimes to
stand up for yourself and say it

608
00:36:14,200 --> 00:36:19,240
yourself.
It's the of having a per errant

609
00:36:19,240 --> 00:36:23,320
or person do it for you, but
it's better for you to do it.

610
00:36:24,640 --> 00:36:27,960
Yeah.
And it feels like it's more

611
00:36:27,960 --> 00:36:32,280
repeatable, right, that you
actually can take on these types

612
00:36:32,280 --> 00:36:36,680
of situations yourself versus
having to wait for someone else

613
00:36:36,680 --> 00:36:38,040
to do it.
Yeah.

614
00:36:38,960 --> 00:36:42,840
Anyway, because like, if Mama
would have said it or you would

615
00:36:42,840 --> 00:36:48,600
have said it, it would just make
it all different and I don't

616
00:36:48,600 --> 00:36:50,960
think Coach would say the same
things he said to me.

617
00:36:51,480 --> 00:36:56,520
Yeah, right, because then it's
not about you and him having a

618
00:36:56,520 --> 00:36:59,080
conversation.
So this is actually better.

619
00:36:59,080 --> 00:37:01,240
You bring up a good point where
this is actually better for the

620
00:37:01,240 --> 00:37:03,880
adult too.
It's not just better for the

621
00:37:03,880 --> 00:37:06,280
kids involved.
Yeah, because for the adult and

622
00:37:07,200 --> 00:37:10,600
person's relationship.
Yeah, totally love it.

623
00:37:10,920 --> 00:37:12,120
Well, thank you so much for
sharing.

624
00:37:12,120 --> 00:37:16,360
This is a beautiful reflection
on what sounds like started out

625
00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:18,720
as a hard experience, but now is
an empowering 1.

626
00:37:19,080 --> 00:37:23,080
And we hope that you don't run
into many of these, but we know

627
00:37:23,080 --> 00:37:25,400
that you will.
So we know that you're prepared.

628
00:37:25,400 --> 00:37:28,320
And that's what we're here to
help you do is prepare.

629
00:37:29,400 --> 00:37:32,720
Any parting words?
Well, I'd like to say thank you

630
00:37:32,880 --> 00:37:38,040
for helping me.
I cross my feelings.

631
00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:40,320
You're so welcome, Say my
feelings.

632
00:37:41,160 --> 00:37:45,320
You are so welcome.
Thanks for trusting us to share

633
00:37:45,320 --> 00:37:47,640
them.
You're welcome, Love you love.

634
00:37:48,320 --> 00:37:56,120
You too.
Hey guys, if you're still here,

635
00:37:56,120 --> 00:37:57,840
you're definitely our kind of
person.

636
00:37:58,320 --> 00:38:00,840
Thanks for spending this time
with us on The Most Important

637
00:38:00,840 --> 00:38:03,360
Thing.
If this episode resonated with

638
00:38:03,360 --> 00:38:05,840
you, we'd love for you to follow
us wherever you get your

639
00:38:05,840 --> 00:38:08,000
podcasts and share it with
someone else.

640
00:38:08,000 --> 00:38:09,760
Building family culture on
purpose.