TMIT 29: Mindset Reset – What We Get Wrong About Growth Mindset

1
00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:01,920
Welcome back to The Most
Important Thing.

2
00:00:02,320 --> 00:00:05,840
I'm Danielle.
And I'm Greg, and we're

3
00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:09,240
continuing our exploration of
family, culture and leadership

4
00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:13,480
at home until we say otherwise.
Yes, we are.

5
00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:17,480
And I wanted to take a couple
minutes today and talk a bit

6
00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:21,200
about our unique value
proposition at the most

7
00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:23,080
important thing.
I think we've, you and I have

8
00:00:23,080 --> 00:00:27,640
started to put a finer point on
it, particularly in some of our

9
00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:31,240
more recent episodes around
parenting as management and

10
00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:34,600
family culture as leadership,
where we really pulled the

11
00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:38,760
thread on how what we're doing
here is different than

12
00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:42,120
parenting.
Parenting being so reactionary

13
00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:47,600
and one-on-one and really about
scripts and messages that really

14
00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:51,760
feel controlling.
Whereas we want the most

15
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:55,840
important thing to be a, a space
that is really more of a breath

16
00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:59,360
of fresh air.
Like it is here for you when you

17
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:04,680
want to lean in to connectedness
and joy and belonging.

18
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:07,640
But we know that you're already
great parents and having a

19
00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:10,400
wonderful time as a family.
So it's that coming from a place

20
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:15,600
of competence that I think is
the differentiator of what you

21
00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:19,520
can expect from us and hopefully
why you will want to listen,

22
00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:22,280
right?
Because as we said in our

23
00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:25,240
episode a couple of weeks ago
around parenting gurus and the

24
00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:29,320
business of anxiety Episode 27,
so much of today's parenting

25
00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:31,800
messages is coming from a
deficit.

26
00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:35,200
It's really talking about how
we're under equipped or this is

27
00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:39,080
too hard.
And I certainly don't ascribe to

28
00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:41,320
that, and I know you don't
either.

29
00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:44,080
And I think a lot of folks at
home don't either.

30
00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:49,040
We don't need to feel like we
are less than in order to want

31
00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:53,320
to lean into something.
So here at The Most Important

32
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:59,640
Thing, we like to think of it as
a vibe, a vitamin, something

33
00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:04,480
that, you know, we get to focus
on family, culture and

34
00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:07,960
connectedness.
Does that make sense?

35
00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:13,520
It does, and it really resonates
with me because I'm an Idiogram

36
00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:18,960
4 and the that means that I am
terminally unique, or at least I

37
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:21,200
think I am.
And if I'm doing something that

38
00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:23,800
is mainstream, it gives me the
ick.

39
00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:28,320
So that's true.
So I really don't like parenting

40
00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:30,640
and I don't even like being in
the parenting category.

41
00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:34,880
But the fact that we're doing
something different, it feels

42
00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:37,960
good on so many levels.
It feels good on this level of

43
00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:43,440
exploring what could be as
opposed to how to get out of the

44
00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:46,720
situation, how to get out of
this tantrum, how to get out of

45
00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:51,040
this, you know, creepy crawly
feeling that I'm being

46
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:53,520
suffocated by my family.
Like that's the message that

47
00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:56,360
we're being delivered.
Or I know that you are being

48
00:02:56,360 --> 00:03:00,400
delivered on Instagram as a as a
mom, and I know that lots of

49
00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,040
moms are being delivered that
message.

50
00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:05,480
As a dad, I'm being delivered
the message that my wife is not

51
00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:09,360
on my team and that in order to
get her on my team, I have to do

52
00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:13,640
certain things to appease her.
And I I just don't see that as

53
00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:15,600
being true at all.
I mean, I love you.

54
00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:20,000
My wife is absolutely on my team
and we're the best team when

55
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,440
we're working together.
So why wouldn't we start from

56
00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:24,600
that place?
You know, we don't get married

57
00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:28,600
and like get A and then have
kids and then all of a sudden

58
00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:32,360
it's, you know, me versus you.
Like, I don't understand why

59
00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:34,320
that's the message that's being
put out towards dad.

60
00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:37,280
So I have a bone to pick with
all the parenting content out

61
00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:38,680
there.
And I'm just really grateful

62
00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:41,880
that we're exploring.
Like, you know, this vitamin,

63
00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:45,480
it's called vitamin vitamin P,
right?

64
00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:51,720
Like what, what can be when you
feed and and nurture your soul

65
00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:55,760
and your family soul together.
Do it intentionally and do it

66
00:03:55,760 --> 00:04:00,960
with with with gusto.
Yeah, totally with gusto.

67
00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:02,640
I love that.
Yeah.

68
00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:05,520
And So what can you expect from
us?

69
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:09,920
We want to be that small, steady
nudge that shapes family

70
00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:14,400
culture, practical, doable,
repeatable, and just things.

71
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:17,480
We want to give you ideas that
you can have fun with and maybe

72
00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:20,640
spend a little bit more time
thinking about the things that

73
00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:25,200
are already on your mind and
giving you ways to.

74
00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:29,320
I think one of the most exciting
things that we have started

75
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:33,240
doing is really taking things
from business and leadership

76
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:37,000
culture and seeing just how
applicable, when we really dig

77
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:40,040
in, just how applicable these
things are to family culture.

78
00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:43,920
And so being able to share
takeaways with you from other

79
00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:47,320
realms, other domains about
organizations, 'cause that's

80
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:49,480
what we are at the end of the
day, right?

81
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:52,240
We are, we are, we are a family,
we are a team.

82
00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:55,640
And we are, you know, as I said
yesterday morning, when all five

83
00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:58,200
of us wanted to do different
things, one wanted to go in the

84
00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:00,360
pool, another a bike ride,
another to the beach.

85
00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:04,360
Like I was like, wow, we are 5
beings with five very different

86
00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:07,160
ideas of what to do on a Sunday
morning, right?

87
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:12,720
And so creating that team
cohesion and being intentional

88
00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:17,920
about that team culture, I think
is so translatable.

89
00:05:18,280 --> 00:05:21,280
And I would say there's so much
out there in the world around

90
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:24,400
business leadership and
organizational behavior and

91
00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:29,000
organizational leadership that
hasn't been applied yet to

92
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,280
family life.
Yep.

93
00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:35,160
Yeah, I mean, look, this is this
serves multiple purposes, right?

94
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:38,800
One, your superpower, guys,
Danielle's superpower is

95
00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:41,640
distilling information and
teaching it.

96
00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:45,280
So this is a great way, great
outlet for you to explore these

97
00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:48,280
types of things and bring them
not just into our home, but into

98
00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:52,080
many people's homes.
And two, for me, like I feel so

99
00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:56,040
lucky to have this as your
superpower that I kind of want

100
00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:58,320
to share it with other people
where I'm like, you know, more

101
00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:01,280
people deserve to have somebody
that's going to and if you're.

102
00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:03,560
Listening, a lot of you already
do, right?

103
00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:07,080
So absolutely, a lot of you have
already been on the other end of

104
00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:09,600
my, whether you've been in a
study group with me or taking a

105
00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:11,240
walk.
Like we.

106
00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:13,600
Yeah, we love to, we love to
learn.

107
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,600
That is the vibe.
Yeah.

108
00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:18,440
And so just on a final note, I
would say that like, so the most

109
00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:20,800
important thing, we are on a
journey together.

110
00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:24,120
This isn't about quick fixes or
viral hacks.

111
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:27,600
This is just something that Greg
and I really wanted to explore

112
00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:29,440
more.
It's just been, it's been a lot

113
00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:35,600
of fun and I love being able to
now find other realms of

114
00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:39,240
potential inspiration and apply
it to family culture.

115
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:42,240
Totally, Yeah.
In college, we every Friday

116
00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:46,600
would present to the class and
get dressed up and present to,

117
00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:50,760
it was either for a business
plan or an update on the

118
00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:52,840
business that we were building.
I went to Babson where it was

119
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:55,360
very entrepreneurship focused
and that's what we would do

120
00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:57,760
every Friday.
And I, I realized that ever

121
00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:00,800
since college, like I, I haven't
had that motion of learning

122
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:03,800
something, distilling it and
presenting it every week.

123
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:06,320
And it's such a great motion to
have so fun.

124
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:08,600
So I'm so glad that we have this
back in our lives.

125
00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:09,480
Cool.
Yeah.

126
00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:12,320
OK.
And so with that, let's segue

127
00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:16,480
into today's episode, which
we're calling a mindset reset

128
00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:22,400
and really exploring what we may
not know or currently get wrong

129
00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:25,840
about growth mindset, as well as
how to build a growth culture at

130
00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:28,200
home.
So I can personally say that

131
00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:31,880
this episode and preparing for
this episode has been very

132
00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:36,040
insightful for me because I
didn't realize just how mono

133
00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:42,200
faceted my understanding of
growth mindset really was prior

134
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:45,560
to digging in.
So what we're going to do today

135
00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:48,560
is we're going to take some
insights from Mary Murphy's

136
00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:53,280
book, The Culture of Growth,
which is really about teams and

137
00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:56,760
organizations, and apply them to
how we think about mindset in

138
00:07:56,760 --> 00:07:58,480
families.
Yep.

139
00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:02,920
We found that there is just so
much great information in this

140
00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:05,160
book, Cultures of Growth by Mary
Murphy, that we're going to

141
00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:08,960
split it up into two episodes.
And so Part 1, today, we're

142
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:12,040
going to introduce the idea of
fixed and growth mindsets, as

143
00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:14,560
well as what we tend to get
wrong about them in today's

144
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:19,560
culture, and go through the four
triggers of mindset.

145
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:23,000
And then on our next episode,
we'll go through what Mary

146
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:26,960
Murphy calls a culture of growth
and contrast that with a culture

147
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:31,440
of genius and talk about ways
that we can really, as leaders

148
00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:36,039
of our family, set the mindset
culture towards a culture of

149
00:08:36,039 --> 00:08:37,799
growth.
Yep, absolutely.

150
00:08:37,919 --> 00:08:40,000
Let's do it.
OK, great.

151
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:45,480
So growth mindset is something
that we hear a lot about, and I

152
00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:49,840
think that most of us often will
see this lovely image about

153
00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:54,040
growth mindset versus fixed
mindset and how you either have

154
00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:58,280
one or the other and you really
want to have a growth mindset.

155
00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:00,840
Like that is the goal.
The idea of growth mindset was

156
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:04,960
originally popularized in the
early 2000s by Carol Dweck.

157
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:09,200
You read her book, right?
But I think she started her

158
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:13,040
research even back as far as the
1970s, But it feels like in the

159
00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:17,280
early 2000s, the idea of growth
mindset versus fixed mindset

160
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:19,280
really started to gain
popularity.

161
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,160
And through that time, I think
there's been a real

162
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:25,720
oversimplification of what
growth mindset really is.

163
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:31,520
And So what we've learned
through Mary's work is a few

164
00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:34,720
things in order to get more
nuanced about growth mindset.

165
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:38,280
The first is that, you know,
despite what images online will

166
00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:42,760
show you, in reality, all of us
have both a fixed and a growth

167
00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:46,280
mindset.
They exist on a continuum and

168
00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:49,320
it's super contextual.
Totally.

169
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:52,120
It's, it's very environmental if
you will.

170
00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:56,080
And we'll get into what that
means.

171
00:09:56,080 --> 00:10:01,840
But like the, the awareness that
it's a continuum is huge because

172
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:05,400
it means that we all are
operating from one place or the

173
00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:08,360
other at any given time for any
given situation.

174
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:12,920
And if we just can notice where
we are, like it's almost this

175
00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:17,080
meta shift where we're all we're
talking about here is how to

176
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:20,240
change your mind about mindset,
where you don't just have a

177
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,320
fixed mindset about something
and you don't just have a growth

178
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:24,640
mindset about something.
It's every little thing

179
00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:28,560
throughout the day, right?
And you can move it like easily.

180
00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:31,400
You can shift it.
And this is the this is the aha

181
00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:33,640
moment.
This was the first time that I

182
00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:38,280
had ever really thought about
looking at myself and at our

183
00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:42,440
children really as having
different mindsets in different

184
00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:46,040
situations.
I think that I have been more

185
00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:49,040
apt to see, you know, one, to
have more of a growth mindset,

186
00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:54,080
one to have a fixed mindset.
And now I've already just in the

187
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,480
past week or so since we've
started researching this

188
00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:59,320
episode, started to see
different areas where each of

189
00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:02,120
them have fixed versus growth
mindsets.

190
00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:08,480
And it, it's insights like this
that give me so much breathing

191
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:10,600
room as a parent, if that makes
sense.

192
00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:15,360
Whereas I think I was like, oh,
gosh, Hunter really has a fixed

193
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:17,560
mindset.
Like we really need to work on

194
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:20,680
this.
And Jade, she's great.

195
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:23,200
She's got no problem.
She has a growth mindset across

196
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:24,840
the board.
When that's not necessarily

197
00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:26,760
true.
It's really about different

198
00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:29,960
situations and how they, how
they show up, right.

199
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:35,320
And so just this insight alone
has helped me feel like, OK, I

200
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:38,600
can pinpoint areas where I don't
even have to do anything.

201
00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:43,680
It's really just a notice and an
observation of certain triggers

202
00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:48,240
that are happening within our
home or at school, where one of

203
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:52,240
our children is more apt to
struggle with it, to stay in a

204
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:55,240
fixed mindset, if you will.
Yep, absolutely.

205
00:11:55,880 --> 00:11:58,120
Do you want to talk about some
of the triggers?

206
00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:02,080
And that can move us along that
continuum that Mary illuminates

207
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:03,320
in her book.
I'd love to.

208
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:10,000
So first, when we say triggers,
it's a word that can mean both

209
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:11,960
the negative and the positive,
right?

210
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:17,320
So I can be triggered negative
into a fixed mindset by somebody

211
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,480
springing a test on me and
saying that I'm going to be

212
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:25,160
graded and evaluated, you know,
just solely on this test and

213
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:27,360
this is going to determine my
future, right?

214
00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:31,240
That that's a big trigger.
At the same time, I can be

215
00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:35,680
triggered in a positive way
through mindset of my own or

216
00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:38,760
through other people around me
helping me to, you know, say

217
00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:41,720
this is something that I'm here
to help you with.

218
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,880
I'm here for you.
You can be triggered

219
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:45,920
environmentally towards a growth
mindset.

220
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:50,720
So these are really interesting.
It's a it's a term that I first

221
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,840
just took as like negative as
like I'm being triggered, but

222
00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:56,320
it's it's like a trigger finger
for both I'm.

223
00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:59,320
So glad that you read this book
because I definitely would have

224
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:00,640
thought that triggers were
negative too.

225
00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:04,160
But I can just in my own life, I
can think of a positive trigger

226
00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:08,880
every morning when I open up my
CrossFit app and I look at the

227
00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:14,040
workout for the day.
That is a trigger for a growth

228
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:19,600
mindset truly, because every day
I don't want to do whatever is

229
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:24,480
there and every day I'm like, Oh
my gosh, this looks so freaking

230
00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:26,360
hard.
Why did I sign up for this?

231
00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:29,640
But I'm just like, line them up,
knock them down, line them up,

232
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,240
knock them down, right?
And it's just I'm going to get

233
00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:34,560
through it.
This is the RX, this is the

234
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:37,120
prescription, and I'm going to
get her done.

235
00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:39,800
That's awesome.
That's a great notice for me.

236
00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,400
And obviously we have the same
workout and same workout app.

237
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:43,960
Yes, do.
I scale everything he does.

238
00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:48,560
I, I, I open it at night because
that's like when I find that I'm

239
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,680
weirdly inspired for the workout
the next day, I'm like, Oh yeah,

240
00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:54,360
tomorrow, no problem, I got
that.

241
00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:58,040
And then, and then going into it
in the morning, I'm like, do I

242
00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:00,600
really have to do this?
But at least like at some point

243
00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:03,120
I was telling myself, there you
go, there you go.

244
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:10,800
So, so there's 4, there's 4
predictable triggers in mindset

245
00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:15,120
and those are evaluative
situations, high effort

246
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:19,560
situations, critical feedback
and my favorite, the success of

247
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:23,360
others.
So evaluative situations really

248
00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:27,240
quickly, those are any place
where you can be evaluated.

249
00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:31,680
That could be your, your kid at
a tryout or recital, even just

250
00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:34,120
like being watched while
learning to read or reading

251
00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:37,200
aloud could be an, an evaluative
situation.

252
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:45,840
My, my, a couple of examples
here and then my takeaways on

253
00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:47,440
each is, is kind of how I want
to structure this.

254
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:53,480
So an example of a positive
trigger came from a Simon Sinek

255
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:59,480
group work project where Simon
Sinek said, here's the context,

256
00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:02,080
we're doing this group work.
You're going to have to come up

257
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:06,640
with 15 ideas in the next 24
hours and present them each of

258
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:09,200
you.
Now this is not a competition,

259
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:12,160
This is collaborative.
And in fact, I know that there

260
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:15,160
are many people in this room
that are going to come up with 0

261
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:19,800
good ideas, but that does not
matter to me because what I also

262
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:23,000
recognize is the people that are
having the best ideas probably

263
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:25,400
are not the best people to
execute on those ideas.

264
00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:29,880
So I love how he shifted people
in that room into a place of

265
00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:33,320
collaborative group work as
opposed to focusing on their

266
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:35,280
individual performance.
Right.

267
00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:37,360
Sure.
So can we unpack that a little

268
00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:40,560
bit?
So he had asked each person for

269
00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:45,920
15 of their own ideas and then
did he the next day say oh, but

270
00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:49,840
like, ha ha, just kidding.
Like this is actually about your

271
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:53,120
contributions.
Or did he immediately like as he

272
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,640
was giving the direction?
He he wasn't trying to like

273
00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:57,960
psych his team out.
He's like, that doesn't feel

274
00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:00,720
like it would work, but so he
said like I want everyone to

275
00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:04,760
come up with 15 ideas, but this
is about contribution to the

276
00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:07,680
team as a whole.
OK, so this is about like some

277
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:10,200
of you will have the idea, some
of you will be able to execute

278
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:10,920
on.
Any ideas?

279
00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:11,960
Yep.
And I don't care.

280
00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:13,800
And I don't care and I just want
to.

281
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:16,080
That makes me feel better just.
So much better, right?

282
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:19,280
Like if you're told, oh, you've
got 24 hours to come up with 15

283
00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:21,240
ideas about how we can change
our business.

284
00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:23,480
On like GPT and then they'll be
crap.

285
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,920
That's really scary.
So I really like that one.

286
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:31,080
The other one that I and I'm
trying to get positive examples

287
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:32,640
of positive triggers.
Sure.

288
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:34,440
Yeah.
That's a great positive.

289
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:36,600
Trigger.
Yeah, another positive trigger

290
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:42,160
can be applied to what Mary
calls the I know kid.

291
00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:46,040
So this is a kid that whenever
you tell them something, they're

292
00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:50,200
like, I know, I know, I know.
I've heard this from our

293
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:52,120
children before.
Heard this from.

294
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:56,640
Heard this from many children
growing up, you know, and what's

295
00:16:56,640 --> 00:17:01,080
interesting is that that I know
is a trigger towards a fixed

296
00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:05,119
mindset because it feels like
they're being in an evaluative

297
00:17:05,119 --> 00:17:06,880
situation.
So whatever they're

298
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:09,880
internalizing when you're like,
hey, you don't, you know, don't

299
00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:12,040
you know, you have to brush your
teeth or like you've got to put

300
00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:13,680
on your shoes.
And they're like, I know, I know

301
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:17,240
there's something that's
happening where they're feeling

302
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:19,520
like they're being put on
display where there's an

303
00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:23,560
evaluative situation.
And so their underlying concerns

304
00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:26,319
need to be addressed about how
how their ability will be

305
00:17:26,319 --> 00:17:28,840
perceived.
Or at least it's an opportunity.

306
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:33,800
Yeah, OK.
But my favorite of all is, is

307
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:36,680
just a take away here that I
think we can apply across the

308
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:40,640
board to our families, to our
work and everywhere we go, which

309
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:43,920
is when someone is overly
focused on performance,

310
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:46,800
typically they are under focused
on learning.

311
00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:52,960
So to put it another way, if I'm
in a performative state, I'm

312
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:56,120
probably like, right now in this
episode, I'm probably, this is

313
00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:58,920
probably not the best space to
teach me something because I'm

314
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:03,640
on camera, like, you know, yeah.
And same thing with, you know,

315
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:08,200
any of our children trying to
demonstrate competence, right?

316
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:11,480
Like any of them trying to
demonstrate competence and show

317
00:18:11,480 --> 00:18:14,240
us what they did at school or
what they learned at school,

318
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,800
they're probably not focused on
learning how to do that better.

319
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,480
So that's not an opportunity to
jump in and be like, oh, here,

320
00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:20,800
let me tweak, you know, tweak
this.

321
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:22,400
Right.
I see that a lot with like

322
00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:25,560
Hunter's dances.
If she just wants to show me her

323
00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:29,400
ballet dance, say, that is not
the time to critique because

324
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:34,040
she's focused on performing what
she has learned and that is not

325
00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:37,120
my opportunity to make her learn
more.

326
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,360
Exactly.
It also makes me think that

327
00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:43,640
maybe that's why on the Real
Housewives, they are not as

328
00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:46,840
interested in learning how to
say, apologize and take it take

329
00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:50,480
accountability before their
before their behavior, because

330
00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:53,600
when people are telling them to,
because they're on camera

331
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,520
totally.
And so they're focused, even

332
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:58,600
though it's reality, they're
focused on how they look and how

333
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:01,120
they'll be perceived.
And so they're not as able to

334
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:04,920
kind of integrate the the
language that that some of the

335
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:06,960
other housewives maybe that's
right supporting them with.

336
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:09,080
I love that.
I mean, isn't this such a great

337
00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:11,760
awareness though, because I can
think of so many situations

338
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:14,400
where someone is definitely in a
performative mindset, whether

339
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:17,720
that is like, you know, someone
with road rage, right?

340
00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:21,160
Like, you know, yelling at you
because you cut them off or

341
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,240
whatever.
Like that's not the time to like

342
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,760
be like, oh, like it was my
right of way.

343
00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:28,560
Like that is not a situation.
There, that's so true.

344
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:30,360
I have.
I have such a tendency to do

345
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:31,880
that with like our neighbors and
stuff.

346
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:34,120
I'm like, no, you need to know
right now what you did wrong.

347
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:38,440
Yeah, no, like or, you know,
just teaching our kids that

348
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:41,080
somebody who's showing up that
way that's trying to impress one

349
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:44,560
of their friends, like that is
not the time to interject and

350
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:47,080
and try to get them on side with
you about something else.

351
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:50,280
Like they're in a mindset.
Interesting.

352
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:53,760
I really think that this watch
out for people in performative

353
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,480
situations, present company
included, including yourself,

354
00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:58,360
because you're not going to be
able to teach them anything,

355
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,800
including yourself.
Yeah, it also reminds me when

356
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:05,040
one of us is getting on our
soapbox and trying to lecture

357
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:07,840
one of the children.
If the other one comes in and

358
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:09,640
says like, oh, that's not really
how I see it.

359
00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:11,160
Maybe like, this is how we do
it.

360
00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:14,160
I think both of us are guilt
guilty of getting a little bit.

361
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:16,920
Not a little bit quite irate,
you know what I mean?

362
00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:21,480
Because if we are kind of in our
performative state and trying to

363
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:23,960
lecture, which is never a good
idea, right?

364
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:27,760
But it's not one where we want
to learn new information.

365
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:30,360
Like, no, I'm just trying to get
this part out, you know?

366
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:32,160
Exactly.
Yeah, no, it's a really, it's a

367
00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:34,000
really good, it's a really good
learning.

368
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:37,960
So if someone is in their
performative state, they are

369
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:41,520
most likely not open to learning
at that time.

370
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:44,480
Exactly.
So whatever trigger is, whether

371
00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:47,960
it's a test or whether it's a
doctor's appointment or whether

372
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:51,720
whatever it is, that's not, you
know, that's not an opportunity

373
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,000
to teach somebody something.
If they're in that performative

374
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,080
state, you've got to get them
out of that performative state

375
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:59,200
by getting on sides with them
and saying, you know, I'm here,

376
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,680
this is not, this doesn't matter
in the grand scheme of things.

377
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:04,960
Like this is this is an
evaluation that the state cares

378
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:06,880
about, not that your teachers
care.

379
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:09,000
About right SO.
Kind of do a standardized test.

380
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,160
Being vulnerable.
So I think first, it's just like

381
00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:14,080
great to notice that if
someone's in that state, they

382
00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:16,920
probably aren't currently
looking to learn.

383
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:20,760
But if you do decide that that's
an opportunity where you want to

384
00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:23,840
shift the mindset, then the way
to do that is to get on side

385
00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:26,040
with them and be vulnerable.
Is that the idea?

386
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:30,160
OK, So I think that's actually
something in in marriages though

387
00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:34,000
in like our relationship too,
that I think can be helpful.

388
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:37,280
Like I know just in, you know,
just last week in working with

389
00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:43,160
you, we were on a call with one
of your partners and I think you

390
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:48,040
were talking about how you
wanted to basically perform with

391
00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:53,040
other corporates or peer GPS.
And what we did during that

392
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:57,160
meeting was ask you to be
vulnerable and what like say

393
00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:59,840
we're on your team and what is
it that you really need, Greg?

394
00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:04,600
You know, you know, in a work
setting, just giving a subtle

395
00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:08,520
nudge to your teammate and and
saying, Hey, you're really

396
00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:12,240
turning it on right now.
Like who are you turning this on

397
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:15,120
for?
I think is really the is really

398
00:22:15,120 --> 00:22:18,120
the big take away there.
And same thing with your family.

399
00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:21,480
Like, hey, like, who's watching?
Yeah, who are you trying to

400
00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:22,920
impress right now?
Totally.

401
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:28,400
It's it feels so good to know
that most of these triggers are

402
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:33,080
all about understanding where my
where your mindset is in the

403
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:35,400
moment and seeing if it needs a
shift.

404
00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:36,920
Interesting.
OK, right.

405
00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:38,480
That's like what this book is
about.

406
00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:41,520
It's like change your mind about
mindsets.

407
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:47,440
So the next trigger is what what
Mary calls high effort

408
00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:50,000
situations.
So this could be like learning

409
00:22:50,360 --> 00:22:54,920
to bike ride or cleaning up a
big mess that the child made or

410
00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:57,280
finishing a puzzle that's too
hard.

411
00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:00,920
And I love those examples
because those all happen inside

412
00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:03,280
this house on a regular basis,
right?

413
00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:09,040
The the mindset that we're
trying to flip is the idea that

414
00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:12,400
if I have to try hard, it means
I must not be good at it.

415
00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:18,040
If that is an underlying belief,
it needs to be cancelled, right?

416
00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:22,600
Hard work is a price worth
paying to grow.

417
00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:27,400
So what does this mean?
Well, you just talked a little

418
00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:30,080
bit about vulnerability and that
has a lot to do with it.

419
00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:35,920
So vulnerability in high effort
situations, it's about sharing.

420
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:39,240
Like I'm scared or I'm nervous
or I'm whatever.

421
00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:45,520
Because like a fixed mindset of,
of high effort basically means

422
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:48,000
that you're being knocked down,
right?

423
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:50,440
Like like that, you feel like
you're at the top.

424
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:55,840
And this is kind of another,
this is another point that that

425
00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:58,440
keeps coming up is like, if you
feel like you're at the top of

426
00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:03,560
your game, then of course you're
going to take a take like an

427
00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:07,680
insult, You know, too, too hard
when, whenever something comes

428
00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:10,840
up, whenever it's a high effort
situation and you fail or

429
00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:13,560
whether there's like critical
feedback that's given.

430
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:16,240
But if you are coming from a
place of vulnerability and like,

431
00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:21,160
I don't have this yet, I'm not
perfect at this yet, then that's

432
00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:24,360
really where the growth happens.
And my, my favorite part about

433
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:28,760
high effort situations is what
Mary pointed out saying you

434
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:32,200
don't see very many of these
triggers at the top of people's

435
00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:35,400
games.
So you don't see somebody, you

436
00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:37,800
know, that's competing at the
top of their game saying like

437
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:40,400
being triggered by a hard, high
effort situation.

438
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:42,400
In fact, it's quite the
opposite.

439
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:46,520
They are focused on, wow, what
can I do to learn?

440
00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:49,160
What can I do to grow?
Like I got to put in more work

441
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,960
because I'm already good at X,
right?

442
00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:56,240
So, so this is a trigger that I
think is definitely prevalent in

443
00:24:56,240 --> 00:25:01,440
our kids and is reinforced by,
by peers because what looks like

444
00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:05,120
it comes, you know, comes easy
to one kid and doesn't come so

445
00:25:05,120 --> 00:25:07,480
easily to another can be
extreme.

446
00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:10,120
It's, it's, it's a, it can shake
you up, right?

447
00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:14,720
Totally.
And so the the take away is

448
00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:18,600
actually if we can somehow get
our kids to understand that what

449
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:21,680
comes easy to them is not
necessarily going to be easier

450
00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:23,840
for them to learn.
In fact, it's probably going to

451
00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:26,640
be harder to learn because they
have this mindset that they're

452
00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:29,960
already good at it, whereas most
of the growth for them will

453
00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:33,120
actually come on the heart on
the things that don't come as

454
00:25:33,120 --> 00:25:34,040
easily.
Right.

455
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:37,440
No, that reminds me of my
favorite Bill Belichick quote

456
00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:40,640
that I often say here.
Talent sets the floor, character

457
00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:44,440
sets the ceiling, right?
Because so often the things that

458
00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:47,760
I have so many thoughts on this,
like so often the things that

459
00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:52,040
have come easily to me in life
are the things that I haven't

460
00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:55,960
worked hard to improve.
So maybe if I started at AI

461
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:59,680
don't know. 6 out of 10 in
swimming, which is like some the

462
00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:01,880
only sport that ever came
naturally to me.

463
00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:06,200
I never felt like I really
wanted to put a lot of effort in

464
00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:10,160
improving my form or learning
how to go faster because I felt

465
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:13,040
like I was already the fastest
swimmer of my friends growing up

466
00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:15,840
kind of thing.
But that's really that's the

467
00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:19,360
trick is that talent sets the
floor and that what you do with

468
00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:23,760
it, the character behind it, is
what sets the ceiling as far as

469
00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:27,000
how far you'll go.
And it also reminds me in Adam

470
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:30,120
Grant's latest book, Hidden
Potential, he talks about

471
00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:33,040
learning styles and how learning
styles are a myth.

472
00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:37,560
So at least for me growing up, I
was, they were like, oh, are you

473
00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:41,120
more of an auditory learner or a
visual learner or a kinesthetic

474
00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:41,760
learner?
Right.

475
00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:44,720
But according to Adam Grant,
there are no such thing as

476
00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:46,920
learning styles because
sometimes the mode that is

477
00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:51,400
hardest for you is actually the
mode where you will process most

478
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:52,520
deeply.
Yep.

479
00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:56,880
So learning is not always about
finding the right method, It's

480
00:26:56,880 --> 00:26:59,280
about finding the right method
for the task.

481
00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:02,280
Yep.
No, I, I mean, even in preparing

482
00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:07,200
for this episode, I, I realized
that I have like a speed reading

483
00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:12,160
kind of approach to most reading
in my adult life, just because

484
00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:15,800
I've got lots of information
thrown at me and I then I scan

485
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:19,520
it all and then like I kind of
internalize the things that I

486
00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:23,320
need to and discard the rest.
And that's doesn't work so well

487
00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:25,800
when I'm trying to teach
something to somebody.

488
00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:31,560
So, So what, what I, what I
realized was it's not that I'm

489
00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:33,040
bad at that.
It's just that I haven't

490
00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:35,560
practiced that.
And, and especially in a really

491
00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:38,760
long time.
So the muscles that are being

492
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:41,080
strengthened are like they're
there.

493
00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:44,160
It's just that they haven't been
really used.

494
00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:47,960
And so this is a, this is a
mindset that I shifted very

495
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:51,280
quickly into because I'm in a
meta way, reading this book,

496
00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:54,920
talking about these triggers.
I'm like, oh, I have a trigger

497
00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:59,280
about, you know, about reading
non fiction, where in non

498
00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:02,040
fiction I'm not very good at
distilling information.

499
00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:04,160
That is not true.
That is because I speed read

500
00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:06,600
everything and I just needed to
slow down a little bit.

501
00:28:06,640 --> 00:28:07,320
Yeah.
Right.

502
00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:09,520
How much of it do you also think
is because we've been together

503
00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:12,160
for a decade now and there's
this idea of comparative

504
00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:13,920
advantage.
Totally right.

505
00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:18,280
Because if if I do it better,
you tend to let me do it.

506
00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:20,720
And same with you.
I mean, yesterday when we had to

507
00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:23,520
change Jade's sheets, I was
like, you'll change Jade's

508
00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:26,720
sheets, right?
Because you do it better, you do

509
00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:28,520
it better.
Or there are just so many things

510
00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:30,360
that I think quote Greg does it
better.

511
00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:33,520
And I'm realizing like, no, I
can still do it though, right?

512
00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:35,960
No, it's, it's a great notice
and it's a great shift.

513
00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:41,800
And so I'm very grateful for for
just this awareness because now

514
00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:45,040
I'm looking out for it in my
life and in our kids lives.

515
00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:48,040
And you know, gracefully with
with you as well.

516
00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:51,240
Can I say one more thing about
high effort situations?

517
00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:55,520
I find this one in Maverick a
lot and it makes sense because

518
00:28:55,520 --> 00:28:59,000
he's the littlest and so it
actually requires more effort

519
00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:04,120
for him to do things like clean
up a big mess or learn how to

520
00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:07,400
ride his bike when his sisters
are already going so much

521
00:29:07,400 --> 00:29:09,360
faster.
Yeah, you did great yesterday

522
00:29:09,440 --> 00:29:13,240
with showing him how to wash the
dishes because Jade was doing it

523
00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:15,840
and he wanted to do it, too.
And I was like, buddy, you know,

524
00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:17,680
Jade just started doing this
last week.

525
00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:21,360
Like, you know, you're a lot
younger and you were like, you

526
00:29:21,360 --> 00:29:23,120
know what Maverick?
Like pull up your step stool.

527
00:29:23,120 --> 00:29:24,560
I'm going to give you a couple
things to wash.

528
00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:26,480
And I thought that was that was
really great.

529
00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:30,040
Yeah, I think that just
supporting him and saying that

530
00:29:30,280 --> 00:29:34,200
yes, you might not be as fast or
as proficient at it as your

531
00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:38,240
sisters are yet it doesn't mean
you're not good at it and it

532
00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:39,680
doesn't mean you can't be good
at it.

533
00:29:39,680 --> 00:29:40,880
It just means that you're
smaller.

534
00:29:40,880 --> 00:29:44,240
And A and a fixed mindset when
it comes to this.

535
00:29:45,480 --> 00:29:49,080
This idea of high effort
situations really shows up a lot

536
00:29:49,080 --> 00:29:53,160
in a few areas.
One is strength, another is

537
00:29:53,240 --> 00:29:55,240
talent, right?
So strength like, you know, I'm

538
00:29:55,640 --> 00:29:58,720
naturally stronger.
Another is talent like I Can

539
00:29:58,720 --> 00:30:01,000
Sing.
Yes, like I'm a bad singer

540
00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:04,360
quote.
I'm like, I identify as a bad

541
00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:07,000
singer.
Yep, 1 is entrepreneurship.

542
00:30:07,000 --> 00:30:09,520
Like these things just come
easier to me.

543
00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:13,320
And my favorite though is
passion.

544
00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:17,280
And so the idea with passion is
that passion is not like a

545
00:30:17,360 --> 00:30:21,280
manifest destiny.
This passion is bestowed upon

546
00:30:21,280 --> 00:30:24,200
you from the age of 4.
You had a tennis racket in your

547
00:30:24,200 --> 00:30:25,960
hand and therefore you were
destined to play tennis.

548
00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:29,000
Like that is not how it works.
In fact, passion should be

549
00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:31,840
something that you struggle to
find in a way.

550
00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:35,160
Like you need to work hard to
figure out what it is that

551
00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:38,640
you're interested in, not find
what comes easy to you and then

552
00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:42,040
lean into that because you're
going to learn it better is what

553
00:30:42,040 --> 00:30:44,440
we're learning.
Is it if it doesn't come

554
00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:47,960
naturally easy, easy to you.
But if you enjoy it, so things

555
00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:52,000
that you really enjoy, but that
don't come necessarily easy or

556
00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:56,800
innately could be this this
passion of yours as as you grow

557
00:30:56,800 --> 00:31:02,240
up or to think about it another
way, like always be searching

558
00:31:02,240 --> 00:31:04,520
for your passion as you're
learning.

559
00:31:04,880 --> 00:31:08,880
Don't be thinking that my
passion is, you know, gemstones

560
00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:12,920
because I like gemstones.
And you know, that's my favorite

561
00:31:12,920 --> 00:31:17,760
thing, right when I'm so anyway,
I, I think that passion has a

562
00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:21,680
has a fixed mindset shows up a
lot in our society in this idea

563
00:31:21,680 --> 00:31:24,080
like follow your passion.
Like lots of people are

564
00:31:24,080 --> 00:31:27,760
passionate about like, you know,
Netflix like that, you know?

565
00:31:28,320 --> 00:31:31,280
I'm passionate about the
housewives, Bravo housewives,

566
00:31:31,280 --> 00:31:33,800
but I'm not going to try to be 1
or.

567
00:31:33,800 --> 00:31:35,680
Yeah.
Spend all my time watching them.

568
00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:38,360
No, you're not going to try at
all to have a.

569
00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:41,360
You're not going to try at all
to have yourself on a video

570
00:31:41,360 --> 00:31:45,320
format where you talk about.
Thanks to.

571
00:31:45,400 --> 00:31:47,800
Share in the world, Yeah.
I'm also thinking about

572
00:31:47,800 --> 00:31:50,040
something that's come up over
the past couple of days

573
00:31:50,040 --> 00:31:55,240
repeatedly in our home, which is
that for whatever reason, Hunter

574
00:31:55,240 --> 00:32:00,000
is very triggered by the high
effort of going outside and

575
00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:04,120
moving her body, even though she
knows it will make her feel

576
00:32:04,120 --> 00:32:07,240
better.
So, and especially contrasting

577
00:32:07,240 --> 00:32:11,320
that with Jade, who loves to
like, cannot wait to get outside

578
00:32:11,320 --> 00:32:13,920
and move her body.
And so when our family goes to

579
00:32:13,920 --> 00:32:17,320
do things like go to the beach
and go swimming or go for a bike

580
00:32:17,320 --> 00:32:20,720
ride, it's very triggering for
Hunter.

581
00:32:21,240 --> 00:32:27,200
And it's, I think especially so
because it is so easy for her

582
00:32:27,200 --> 00:32:29,040
sister Jade.
And that's something that we've

583
00:32:29,040 --> 00:32:31,600
been talking about a lot more
recently.

584
00:32:31,600 --> 00:32:35,840
And I, I haven't, you know, I,
I, it was a miss on my part, but

585
00:32:35,840 --> 00:32:36,880
that's OK.
It doesn't matter.

586
00:32:36,920 --> 00:32:38,280
I'll think about it another
time.

587
00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:41,800
That it was actually like her
yesterday when she had a

588
00:32:41,800 --> 00:32:44,400
meltdown about going outside.
It was really her being in a

589
00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:49,560
fixed mindset about what it took
to get her out of the house.

590
00:32:49,600 --> 00:32:55,440
Yeah, yeah.
The it's just easier to do it

591
00:32:55,440 --> 00:32:58,000
when you're not alone and she's
not alone.

592
00:32:58,000 --> 00:33:01,480
And I think that's the big
awareness that she needs to come

593
00:33:01,480 --> 00:33:03,200
to is like she always has a
buddy.

594
00:33:03,600 --> 00:33:09,360
She's always got a a, a friend,
her sister that will lead the

595
00:33:09,360 --> 00:33:11,400
pack.
She just has to get her shoes on

596
00:33:11,400 --> 00:33:13,520
and follow along.
Yeah, and I think we'll get to

597
00:33:13,520 --> 00:33:16,480
this, but asking for help.
Yeah.

598
00:33:16,880 --> 00:33:19,760
And and learning how to pivot.
So like, what is that first

599
00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:21,320
step?
Just like put your shoes on or

600
00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:22,960
whatever it is.
We hear that in like running

601
00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:24,840
culture, right?
People are just like just tie

602
00:33:24,840 --> 00:33:27,680
your shoes and that'll get you
out the door kind of thing.

603
00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:29,320
Just taking that baby first
step.

604
00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:31,800
And I think that is something
that I understand from high

605
00:33:31,800 --> 00:33:38,120
effort situations is just break
it apart, ask for help and

606
00:33:38,680 --> 00:33:42,480
figure out what that what that
pivot might be.

607
00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:47,240
Yeah, I mean, look, you know,
for Hunter and for you and me,

608
00:33:47,800 --> 00:33:49,680
it's probably just getting
outside first thing in the

609
00:33:49,680 --> 00:33:52,440
morning, which is what we do.
That's what it is for me, for

610
00:33:52,480 --> 00:33:53,960
sure.
I mean, I, I tried to tell her

611
00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:57,880
that, you know, I'm 39 now and
it took me many, many years to

612
00:33:57,880 --> 00:34:00,720
want to move my body.
But now I've tightened that

613
00:34:00,720 --> 00:34:04,520
feedback loop enough that I
know, oh, I moved my body 12

614
00:34:04,520 --> 00:34:07,480
hours ago, right?
That it feels that good.

615
00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:10,400
And I don't let myself forget.
I mean, when she was working out

616
00:34:10,400 --> 00:34:13,320
with us before tennis camp, like
she, she loved getting out.

617
00:34:13,320 --> 00:34:15,920
There getting into that habit,
it just takes her a little extra

618
00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:18,960
time, but it's that it is that
high effort trigger is what it

619
00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:20,400
is.
Yes, well, she feels like the

620
00:34:20,400 --> 00:34:25,040
bar is really high as well to to
do that, like it built up in our

621
00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:27,560
brain.
That like the high effort, yeah,

622
00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:28,840
but that's what it is.
Yeah.

623
00:34:29,360 --> 00:34:32,199
OK.
So all right, so that's high

624
00:34:32,199 --> 00:34:34,760
effort situations.
And then what's the third one?

625
00:34:34,760 --> 00:34:36,800
The third trigger is critical
feedback.

626
00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:43,440
So this is seems pretty obvious
that feedback is going to plant

627
00:34:43,440 --> 00:34:46,120
in our minds no matter how old
or young we are.

628
00:34:46,880 --> 00:34:51,480
But actually critical feedback
can be a trigger in towards a

629
00:34:51,480 --> 00:34:55,440
growth mindset.
And bear with me because it's

630
00:34:55,440 --> 00:35:00,280
not intuitive, but if you
actually think about it, it

631
00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:04,640
becomes something that I am now
looking for, right?

632
00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:08,200
So if we're in a fixed mindset,
we're going to hear critical

633
00:35:08,200 --> 00:35:14,560
feedback like, oh, you know,
your backhand was too low.

634
00:35:14,720 --> 00:35:17,320
Like, you know, you got to
really kind of break the wrist

635
00:35:17,320 --> 00:35:20,800
and, and we're going to hear
that and we're going to say,

636
00:35:20,840 --> 00:35:25,320
well, I guess I'm no good
because back to this idea of us

637
00:35:25,320 --> 00:35:30,000
being at the top.
We had this idea that we were

638
00:35:30,320 --> 00:35:33,600
had such a good backhand and
someone knocked us down.

639
00:35:34,280 --> 00:35:36,440
And what does that do to our
self esteem and our ego?

640
00:35:37,040 --> 00:35:41,360
Ouch, right.
But what if you came into this

641
00:35:41,360 --> 00:35:44,240
not thinking anything about your
back end and you're just like

642
00:35:44,240 --> 00:35:47,600
looking to improve and someone's
like, you know, what you're what

643
00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:49,680
you're not doing is like you're
not breaking your wrist.

644
00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:54,160
And wow, thank you so much.
No one's ever told me that.

645
00:35:54,440 --> 00:35:56,560
That is so helpful.
Right.

646
00:35:57,320 --> 00:35:59,560
All of that takes the only thing
that happened there was the

647
00:35:59,560 --> 00:36:01,840
shift in your ego.
And so if you think your

648
00:36:01,840 --> 00:36:05,760
backhand is good and somebody
knocks it down, takes you down a

649
00:36:05,760 --> 00:36:08,800
notch, you're in, you know,
that's that's not a good place

650
00:36:08,800 --> 00:36:10,360
to be.
But if you're in a growth

651
00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:12,760
mindset, you're going to be
always looking for critical

652
00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:14,760
feedback.
And in fact, not just critical

653
00:36:14,760 --> 00:36:17,760
feedback, but very, very
specific critical feedback.

654
00:36:18,440 --> 00:36:21,520
So if someone says, hey,
Danielle, good job on that

655
00:36:21,520 --> 00:36:23,880
podcast, you're going to be
like, thanks.

656
00:36:23,920 --> 00:36:25,560
What did you like about it?
For sure.

657
00:36:25,720 --> 00:36:28,200
What did you like about it
specifically?

658
00:36:28,200 --> 00:36:31,840
Tell me like I need to know.
It's interesting because so much

659
00:36:31,840 --> 00:36:33,920
of these triggers, as you're
going through them and, and

660
00:36:34,040 --> 00:36:37,800
teaching me about them, remind
me of Buddhism straight up.

661
00:36:37,880 --> 00:36:40,760
Just like, and this idea that we
also hear in salesmanship that

662
00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:43,120
I've told you before about
wearing loose robes.

663
00:36:43,440 --> 00:36:48,120
So like basically anything that
we attach our identity to is

664
00:36:48,120 --> 00:36:51,240
ripe for a fixed mindset trigger
is what is what I'm hearing

665
00:36:51,320 --> 00:36:53,680
really is that like if I
identify as someone who has a

666
00:36:53,680 --> 00:36:57,000
great backhand, which I do by
the way, and then someone tells

667
00:36:57,000 --> 00:37:01,480
me something critical about it
that I'm like that I'm not

668
00:37:01,480 --> 00:37:03,680
expecting, right?
I'm like, wait a second, my

669
00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:05,480
backhand is my best stroke.
Like I don't really want

670
00:37:05,480 --> 00:37:08,040
feedback on that.
But you're so right that if I

671
00:37:08,040 --> 00:37:14,160
can see this as it's already at
my best stroke, what if this is

672
00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:16,360
giving me an opportunity to get
even better?

673
00:37:16,920 --> 00:37:19,360
Then that's a complete.
That's a complete shift, right?

674
00:37:19,360 --> 00:37:25,560
Yeah, it's a complete shift.
And so not only if you are in a

675
00:37:25,560 --> 00:37:27,720
growth mindset and you get
critical feedback, are you going

676
00:37:27,720 --> 00:37:32,120
to be craving more of it, but
you're going to be now weighing

677
00:37:32,120 --> 00:37:34,760
critical feedback on another
dimension, which I think is the

678
00:37:34,760 --> 00:37:37,280
most important thing about
critical feedback.

679
00:37:38,440 --> 00:37:42,160
Who is giving it?
What is their believability?

680
00:37:42,680 --> 00:37:45,400
Yes, well, this is like a life
lesson that I feel is so

681
00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:47,480
important.
When we talk about life skills,

682
00:37:47,720 --> 00:37:50,240
we were actually saying Greg and
I yesterday at our family

683
00:37:50,240 --> 00:37:52,000
meeting, we were like, you know
what, Maybe we should turn our

684
00:37:52,000 --> 00:37:57,280
family learning, do a little
like life skills module things

685
00:37:57,280 --> 00:37:58,960
like talent.
That's the floor character,

686
00:37:59,000 --> 00:38:02,400
that's the ceiling.
Or since we have girls like the

687
00:38:02,400 --> 00:38:07,440
menstrual cycle.
But learning to hold feedback in

688
00:38:07,440 --> 00:38:11,440
your hand and decide whether you
want to take it in based on

689
00:38:11,440 --> 00:38:16,200
someone's believability is like
a yes, such an important it's.

690
00:38:16,360 --> 00:38:20,360
Thing so important.
This is like basically what Ray

691
00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:23,040
Dalio wrote Yes principles all
about.

692
00:38:23,280 --> 00:38:25,280
Or at least that was our Yeah,
it's a big book.

693
00:38:25,520 --> 00:38:30,480
Yeah, it's a big book, but the
the big take away is have a have

694
00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:33,680
a culture of believability, not
of a hierarchy where the people

695
00:38:33,680 --> 00:38:36,480
with the most believability get
the most points in terms of

696
00:38:36,480 --> 00:38:40,200
decision making and weighing in.
So if you know, around the

697
00:38:40,200 --> 00:38:43,320
table, we're like, oh, you know,
we're going to make avocado

698
00:38:43,320 --> 00:38:46,760
brownies for, for a snack.
And Hunter's like, I think that

699
00:38:46,760 --> 00:38:50,520
we should put, you know,
mustard, mustard in it, right?

700
00:38:50,520 --> 00:38:52,920
Like no.
Yes, exactly.

701
00:38:52,960 --> 00:38:55,400
No believability, very little
cooking experience.

702
00:38:55,760 --> 00:38:57,600
Yes.
No, it's such an important thing

703
00:38:57,600 --> 00:39:01,520
because I think especially here,
the critical feedback piece is

704
00:39:01,520 --> 00:39:04,200
what you're really asking
someone to do when you give them

705
00:39:04,200 --> 00:39:07,400
feedback is to change their
mental map of the world, right?

706
00:39:07,400 --> 00:39:10,840
To change their mental model.
And so that really should not be

707
00:39:10,840 --> 00:39:15,040
taken lightly, right?
And so if it is someone that

708
00:39:15,040 --> 00:39:18,640
does not have much believability
in your view, throw it away,

709
00:39:18,880 --> 00:39:21,280
right?
But if it is someone who does

710
00:39:21,280 --> 00:39:25,560
have believability and you want
to lean in, then I think that

711
00:39:25,560 --> 00:39:28,840
makes total sense, like you
said, to ask for more specifics.

712
00:39:28,880 --> 00:39:32,320
Exactly.
So that's critical feedback, and

713
00:39:32,320 --> 00:39:35,960
the final trigger is the success
of others.

714
00:39:37,640 --> 00:39:40,680
My very status forward husband.
I can't wait to hear what you

715
00:39:40,680 --> 00:39:44,520
have to say about this.
Well, yesterday I listened to a

716
00:39:44,520 --> 00:39:50,320
podcast with a peer friend of
mine, a peer manager, and I

717
00:39:50,640 --> 00:39:54,240
before I hit play, I was like,
I'm going to come to this from a

718
00:39:54,960 --> 00:40:00,320
space of learning and.
It's such a big deal, it yeah,

719
00:40:00,320 --> 00:40:01,400
'cause that's a hard thing to
do.

720
00:40:01,400 --> 00:40:02,360
It's.
A hard thing to do.

721
00:40:02,480 --> 00:40:05,480
I mean, I, you know, hear one of
my good friends on a podcast and

722
00:40:05,480 --> 00:40:08,400
I'm like, oh, like, I'm not
going to listen to that.

723
00:40:08,400 --> 00:40:10,400
I know everything that he said.
Like I've heard it all.

724
00:40:10,400 --> 00:40:11,440
Before.
Why would he have anything

725
00:40:11,440 --> 00:40:12,760
useful to say?
Exactly.

726
00:40:12,760 --> 00:40:14,440
And I'm like.
Probably what all of you think

727
00:40:14,440 --> 00:40:19,640
about us.
For all of you that only watch

728
00:40:19,640 --> 00:40:20,840
our reels.
I get it.

729
00:40:21,000 --> 00:40:26,880
We get it.
Of you peeping in the stories

730
00:40:26,920 --> 00:40:30,400
only.
Oh my gosh, that's so funny and

731
00:40:30,400 --> 00:40:33,160
so true.
It's and totally understandable.

732
00:40:33,160 --> 00:40:35,600
Yeah, which is why, if you've
never met us, thank you for

733
00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:38,520
listening because you know, this
will we're going to be, we're

734
00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:43,680
going to be long term friends.
But anyway, so I, I press play

735
00:40:43,680 --> 00:40:48,720
on this podcast after setting my
mindset and I was blown away

736
00:40:48,720 --> 00:40:53,920
with how eloquent he was.
Full stop.

737
00:40:53,960 --> 00:40:56,440
I was blown away with how
eloquent he was.

738
00:40:57,040 --> 00:41:00,640
I had heard a lot of it before,
but it sounded so good.

739
00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:06,160
And it made me excited to learn
more about him and the things

740
00:41:06,160 --> 00:41:09,160
that he was going on.
Like his storytelling abilities

741
00:41:09,160 --> 00:41:12,560
were beautiful.
And they're numerous examples,

742
00:41:12,560 --> 00:41:17,000
but my favorite one was where he
got me nodding my head about

743
00:41:17,000 --> 00:41:19,880
something that wasn't
necessarily true, but that

744
00:41:19,880 --> 00:41:24,880
sounded so good where he was
like, you know, if, if we don't

745
00:41:24,880 --> 00:41:27,520
do X, like then no one could do
X.

746
00:41:27,520 --> 00:41:28,920
It was basically a statement
like that.

747
00:41:28,920 --> 00:41:31,600
And I'm like, well, that sounded
really good.

748
00:41:31,600 --> 00:41:32,680
And I I.
Believed you.

749
00:41:32,680 --> 00:41:33,960
You were with him.
Yeah, I was with him.

750
00:41:34,000 --> 00:41:39,080
And so instead of like listening
to that podcast and being like,

751
00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:41,480
whatever, whatever, whatever.
And then that coming up and

752
00:41:41,480 --> 00:41:44,960
being like and shooting all over
him just for that one thing, I

753
00:41:45,040 --> 00:41:49,880
was like noticing where things
were really working and

754
00:41:49,880 --> 00:41:55,080
clicking.
And I see him as a worthy

755
00:41:55,200 --> 00:41:59,200
adversary in, in a way we're
like, we're kind of neck and

756
00:41:59,200 --> 00:42:05,440
neck in most things.
And, and what I took away from

757
00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:10,080
listening only 1015 minutes was
he's so good.

758
00:42:10,920 --> 00:42:17,320
And I can do that too.
As opposed to like my ego

759
00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:22,560
stepping in and a fixed mindset
being like, like, you know, no

760
00:42:22,560 --> 00:42:25,480
one's listening to that.
Like no one's buying what he's

761
00:42:25,480 --> 00:42:27,000
talking about.
No, none of that.

762
00:42:27,360 --> 00:42:29,720
So.
Yeah, and there's enough room in

763
00:42:29,720 --> 00:42:33,320
the world for both of us.
Yeah, and so as Simon Sinek

764
00:42:33,520 --> 00:42:37,200
defines it, a worthy rival is
someone who not only inspires

765
00:42:37,200 --> 00:42:40,200
you to up your game, but also
helps you do so because they are

766
00:42:40,200 --> 00:42:42,240
stronger in your less developed
areas.

767
00:42:42,320 --> 00:42:45,880
Yes.
And so my awareness of, hey, I

768
00:42:45,880 --> 00:42:48,680
can do this too.
And any questions I have, I get

769
00:42:48,680 --> 00:42:50,080
to go to this person who's good
at.

770
00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:51,720
It totally.
So cool.

771
00:42:51,920 --> 00:42:56,880
So what Mary Murphy points out
is that the biggest challenge in

772
00:42:56,880 --> 00:43:01,160
the success of others, mindset
or trigger rather, is

773
00:43:01,160 --> 00:43:06,720
acknowledging it is is seeing
where it shows up and holding it

774
00:43:06,720 --> 00:43:09,720
here and saying what's actually
happening in my brain.

775
00:43:10,640 --> 00:43:13,000
And I think that's going to be a
hard thing for all of us to

776
00:43:13,000 --> 00:43:15,920
teach our kids, too.
But you're modeling it.

777
00:43:15,920 --> 00:43:17,440
And you know what?
I think that's a great thing for

778
00:43:17,440 --> 00:43:21,120
you to share with the kids.
Yeah, because it isn't an easy

779
00:43:21,120 --> 00:43:27,360
thing to do and it's not one
that people see that often.

780
00:43:27,920 --> 00:43:31,240
So I think it would be a
wonderful thing to make a point

781
00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:34,520
of sharing as a family, sharing
with our family.

782
00:43:35,880 --> 00:43:39,520
Because.
Having some level of competition

783
00:43:39,560 --> 00:43:41,880
and some level it's totally
natural.

784
00:43:41,880 --> 00:43:45,680
And actually we'll talk about on
the next episode Mary's ideas

785
00:43:45,680 --> 00:43:50,080
for recasting competition, which
really does build upon the

786
00:43:50,080 --> 00:43:55,480
success of others trigger, which
is around recasting competition

787
00:43:55,480 --> 00:43:59,560
towards goals that move the
whole team forward, right.

788
00:43:59,560 --> 00:44:02,840
And that's that I think is what
you're doing with you and your

789
00:44:02,840 --> 00:44:04,280
friend.
Is it like, no, there's room for

790
00:44:04,280 --> 00:44:07,520
both of us.
And I would love to ask him

791
00:44:07,520 --> 00:44:10,800
about some of the areas where I
need development that I notice

792
00:44:10,800 --> 00:44:13,440
that he's really strong.
And maybe that opens the door

793
00:44:13,440 --> 00:44:16,880
for him to ask you about things
that he's noticed in you where

794
00:44:16,880 --> 00:44:18,160
he wouldn't have done that
otherwise.

795
00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:19,680
Absolutely.
Yeah.

796
00:44:20,360 --> 00:44:25,080
Now this trigger is going to
show up in our kids in one other

797
00:44:25,080 --> 00:44:29,680
way that probably won't show up
so much in it with us as adults.

798
00:44:29,720 --> 00:44:34,760
But maybe as adults we are
coordinated.

799
00:44:34,920 --> 00:44:37,800
We have experience doing lots of
things.

800
00:44:37,800 --> 00:44:41,560
And so just walking around the
house and not tripping over our

801
00:44:41,720 --> 00:44:46,920
own feet, like we are kind of
hard to compete with versus the

802
00:44:46,920 --> 00:44:50,160
kids who are developing their
fine motor skills and bumping

803
00:44:50,160 --> 00:44:53,880
into things and, you know,
struggling to hold a fork the

804
00:44:53,880 --> 00:44:56,360
right way or a pencil.
And I'm not very good at being

805
00:44:56,360 --> 00:44:58,680
humble about that.
I'm like, ha, look at my

806
00:44:58,680 --> 00:45:00,880
cartwheel, ha, ha, watch my
handstand.

807
00:45:00,880 --> 00:45:05,880
That's true.
It's so true.

808
00:45:05,880 --> 00:45:09,120
It's so true.
So we just have to be, we just

809
00:45:09,120 --> 00:45:11,800
have to watch out because we
are, whether we're aware of it

810
00:45:11,800 --> 00:45:14,480
or not, triggering their fixed
mindsets all the time.

811
00:45:14,560 --> 00:45:15,760
Sure.
That's a good notice.

812
00:45:15,760 --> 00:45:18,320
Again, coming from a place of
competence, right?

813
00:45:18,320 --> 00:45:21,720
You don't necessarily have to do
anything about it, but I think

814
00:45:21,720 --> 00:45:26,000
it's a great notice and just
kind of 1 of humility, right?

815
00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:29,040
Like as you're saying this, I'm
like, yeah, maybe I don't need

816
00:45:29,040 --> 00:45:31,400
to beat them in every race.
Yeah, bingo.

817
00:45:31,720 --> 00:45:35,880
I like to right right and I can,
but maybe I don't need to.

818
00:45:35,920 --> 00:45:38,760
Well, yeah, I mean, you just
handicap yourself.

819
00:45:39,320 --> 00:45:41,880
Don't, don't, don't throw the
race.

820
00:45:43,120 --> 00:45:43,960
Yes, I do.
Usually.

821
00:45:43,960 --> 00:45:44,920
Sometimes they do that.
Yeah.

822
00:45:45,200 --> 00:45:47,040
OK, great.
Well, I think this has been a

823
00:45:47,040 --> 00:45:51,120
really great overview and
introduction to Mary Murphy's

824
00:45:51,120 --> 00:45:54,800
culture of growth and how we can
translate it into family life.

825
00:45:54,800 --> 00:45:57,600
If there's one thing that you
want our listeners to take away

826
00:45:57,600 --> 00:45:59,120
from this episode, what would it
be?

827
00:45:59,320 --> 00:46:03,320
Yeah, it's for me.
It's this idea that anyone who's

828
00:46:03,320 --> 00:46:06,000
in a performative state is not
in a space of learning.

829
00:46:06,720 --> 00:46:10,440
So that, that means me, that
means you, that means your

830
00:46:10,440 --> 00:46:13,400
neighbor, that means the, you
know, the kid next to you in

831
00:46:13,400 --> 00:46:17,200
class, your teacher, whatever it
is like we just have to be

832
00:46:17,200 --> 00:46:21,760
looking out for these things and
know that in order to get

833
00:46:21,760 --> 00:46:25,720
somebody to understand us or to,
for us to understand ourselves

834
00:46:26,080 --> 00:46:28,880
and to grow, we have to move out
of that performative state.

835
00:46:29,320 --> 00:46:31,520
That's such a nice notice.
It's also a great notice.

836
00:46:31,520 --> 00:46:34,520
I think I'm just realizing as
you're saying that like maybe

837
00:46:34,520 --> 00:46:38,240
the best time to talk to one of
our kids teachers isn't on back

838
00:46:38,240 --> 00:46:40,000
to school night.
No, it's not, you know.

839
00:46:40,240 --> 00:46:43,720
What I mean like maybe I
shouldn't be sharing ideas of

840
00:46:43,720 --> 00:46:48,120
things for them to do when they
are truly on their like peak

841
00:46:48,120 --> 00:46:50,640
performance evening.
Yeah, we we really need to step

842
00:46:50,640 --> 00:46:53,040
into other people's shoes and
understand what their mindset is

843
00:46:53,040 --> 00:46:55,520
likely to be in a situation.
That's a great point, yeah.

844
00:46:55,720 --> 00:46:57,680
So yeah.
That's and so we have a choice,

845
00:46:57,680 --> 00:46:59,200
right?
We can, especially with our

846
00:46:59,200 --> 00:47:02,720
children, if we see them being
performative, either we let it,

847
00:47:02,920 --> 00:47:06,160
let it ride and have have their
moment in in the spotlight,

848
00:47:06,480 --> 00:47:09,520
right?
Or if we think that it's an

849
00:47:09,520 --> 00:47:13,360
opportunity for growth, that's
when we can share our

850
00:47:13,360 --> 00:47:19,560
vulnerability, kind of get on
the same side and tap into a

851
00:47:19,560 --> 00:47:22,920
mindset shift where learning
becomes more possible.

852
00:47:23,000 --> 00:47:25,760
Yes, absolutely.
Basically, don't give notes on

853
00:47:25,760 --> 00:47:27,960
opening night if you.
Think about it that way.

854
00:47:29,520 --> 00:47:31,720
It is what it is at that point,
right?

855
00:47:32,080 --> 00:47:32,720
Totally.
Yeah.

856
00:47:33,400 --> 00:47:38,120
OK, so how about you?
Just this idea that a person

857
00:47:38,120 --> 00:47:40,040
doesn't have a fixed or a growth
mindset.

858
00:47:40,040 --> 00:47:42,640
I think I've been so black and
white about it and I won't fault

859
00:47:42,640 --> 00:47:46,520
myself too much because I do
think that it's been popularized

860
00:47:46,520 --> 00:47:50,120
in an oversimplified way that we
either have a fixed or a growth

861
00:47:50,120 --> 00:47:53,160
mindset.
But seeing myself and seeing

862
00:47:53,160 --> 00:47:57,360
every member of our family and
every member of our community as

863
00:47:57,360 --> 00:48:01,480
having both is really a huge
awareness for me.

864
00:48:01,840 --> 00:48:05,440
And so I would love, I'm just
happy to share that with

865
00:48:05,440 --> 00:48:07,120
everyone.
And you know, perhaps others

866
00:48:07,120 --> 00:48:10,320
will resonate with that as well.
Cool, cool.

867
00:48:10,840 --> 00:48:12,960
Well, thanks everybody so much
for being with us.

868
00:48:13,120 --> 00:48:17,080
We look forward to sharing with
you more takeaways on Mary

869
00:48:17,080 --> 00:48:21,720
Murphy's culture of growth in
Part 2, and we'll see you again

870
00:48:21,720 --> 00:48:22,840
soon.
OK, love you, goosey.

871
00:48:23,120 --> 00:48:27,480
Love you Goosey.
Hey guys, if you're still here,

872
00:48:27,480 --> 00:48:29,160
you're definitely our kind of
person.

873
00:48:29,640 --> 00:48:32,160
Thanks for spending this time
with us on The Most Important

874
00:48:32,160 --> 00:48:34,680
Thing.
If this episode resonated with

875
00:48:34,680 --> 00:48:37,160
you, we'd love for you to follow
us wherever you get your

876
00:48:37,160 --> 00:48:39,320
podcasts and share it with
someone else.

877
00:48:39,320 --> 00:48:41,080
Building family culture on
purpose.